As a few of you may know, I recently cleaned house of most of my social circle and also moved to a new home. My home is pretty out in the middle of nowhere, but I do have a few neighbors. Most of them are just far enough away that it's not really feasible to strike up conversation even though we see each other outdoors regularly. To make a long story short, I have gotten friendly with the closest neighbor, and was invited to a memorial day bonfire that took place yesterday evening. I worked until 10 and it's a 40 minute drive home, so it was almost 11pm by the time I arrived.

When I pulled in, the bonfire was about 30ft high. It had been a long time since I had been to a bonfire, and also a long time (2+ months) since I had any human interaction outside of the scope of co-workers and customers. That being said I was starving for genuine peer interaction. They are a very country bunch, which I kind of enjoy; it reminds me of home. Country music on the radio, 30 ft. fire, cornhole, beer, and a genuinely hilarious dynamic. I was really enjoying myself, so I had a few beers, played some cornhole, and joined in on the banter. At first everything was pretty cool. I was laughing, I was making others laugh, and the whole aesthetic was generally agreeable. As the night progressed, something was a bit off. Nothing super notable, but there was a feeling. At about 2am, I finished my game, and my last beer, and walked back to my house. My dog, as always was waiting for me with a wagging tail and sloppy doggy kisses; my favorite. I let him on his lead so he could go to the bathroom before bed, and walked into the house.

Upon entering the house, I felt an initial wave of relief, followed by a secondary wave of anxiety, then the purge of that anxiety followed by understanding, and an urge. The understanding was of why things felt off. I lost my confidence in myself during my time at the bonfire, largely because I saw myself reverting back to bits of my old self that I thought had died a long time ago. Namely, the fact that in social situations I can fall into this trapping of my personality and imagination. I find myself playing a character, and almost performing for people, because I feel that my own, normal personality is not likable enough. In the past I have fallen into this problem a lot; sometimes for months at a time. And the urge. The urge was to take a journey. It had been 6 months since I had done any spice, and I had a new batch made about 3 weeks ago.

Now I know what most of you are thinking, and I agree. Alcohol and spice do not compliment one another, but I felt like I needed to delve into this problem while it was fresh. I went upstairs and grabbed my pipe (a primitive, but effective chillum with a copper wool filter) and loaded it with roughly 35-50mg by eye, took three hits, and lay back in my bed. Before I did this I put on an hour and a half long recording of Icaros. The colors and fractals began shortly and folded in and out of themselves. The music and the trip were in the most beautiful synchronicity. It had been a while so I was reacquating myself with the scenery, but got distracted looking at the strangeness of my arm, and at some point, I realized I was avoiding the matter at hand. Once I came to this realization, I dropped my hands at my sides, closed my eyes and began to meditate. I was remembering that the only thing I truly need is to love myself, my family, and my dog (who is family, but mentioning him is relevant to the story). Right at that moment, he jumped up and wanted to play. He looked so different, but alive and happy like he always does. I told him we would play in a little bit and he laid his head down on my shoulder, and it hit me. It was like the spice was repeating a mantra in my head. Just BE. And love him. And BE. It repeated over and over again inside my head, and it was so simple, but so beautiful in its simplicity that I began to weep tears of joy. It's crazy how we get so caught up with our day to day that we just forget to be, and love, and be. It brought all of the weirdness of the earlier bits of the night into the most crisp clarity, and I know what I need to integrate.

This is one of the most simple, yet profound experiences the spice has ever given me. She usually likes to tell me things about other people, and the world. But this time, she told me about myself, and I couldn't be more grateful. I went with my instincts, and my instincts are correct. I'm sure I will go and hang with my neighbors again, as they seem to be a fun bunch, but I will go into the situation with a higher self awareness, and will strive not to get lost in the illusions and characters that I am prone to being fooled by.

If you're still reading this, thank you. I feel very blessed.

Thank you for sharing, the message is heart warming.

I honestly didn't know people fake their whole personality for months at a time. I've always been a weirdo, so that is useful information. Thanks for sharing.

I like the mantra "I am enough".

Thanks for reading, Fink.



It's weird. It's unconscious for me. It's almost like I'm doing a comedy bit, but the bit never ends, and it gets less and less funny as it goes on. By the time I realize it's happening it's been some time and it's hard to reel back in. I once talked in a thick southern accent for three months. I normally have a slight drawl, having spent a lot of time in the south as a teenager. This was not that; it was thick, think SC, AL, or TX. I noticed it during an LSD trip, and I woke up the next morning and reaffirmed that I hadn't heard my normal voice in months. It was devastating and I had a real existential crisis over it. So I wouldn't necessarily call it "faking", rather it's more of a lapse of self. I'm catching it sooner, and it's happened far more sparsely these days. The time it happened before this, it took me about 36 hours. This time, a few hours. So I'm making progress.


I like your mantra. And, yeah, I've always been a bit of a weirdo too. I feel like I am too much for most people. I'm really reserved, until I'm not. And once the dam breaks it's hard to stop the flow, but like I said, I'm getting better.

Oh, brother, so beautiful. You have no idea how reading this made me feel given the connection you and I have built. Tremendous joy on your behalf.

I feel like some of what you experience with your mutable personality could be classified as being a social chameleon. Granted, you've noticed a way in which it seems inauthentic to you and does not serve you. As we strive through life, we constantly discard parts of ourselves that we no longer need. It appears as if your chameleon persona has reached a point where it has become obsolete for you.

As for alcohol with DMT, I tend to steer people away from such a combination, but my best friend tends to somewhat regularly, and has yet to be deterred (other than the natural deterrence endemic to DMT).

And you know what I have to say about the message the DMT imparted upon you

Soham (I am that I am)

One love

I don't know why but it brought a tear to my eye to know that you felt joy on my behalf. I'd never heard of "social chameleon" before, and after doing some reading, am really taken aback. It's been like reading a book about me and one of my largest struggles in life, but it's written by a stranger. Another thing to be aware of. I'm very grateful that you mentioned it. It very much does not serve me and once I become aware of it; instant shame. I think that's a large part of my integration is to start actively weeding this behavior out. I have things that I am doing, and I have value. So why disguise that with old overcompensations that arose from not having much worth or contribution in society's eyes.


And yes, Soham

Great story. That sounds a lot like growth.

As an aside, I admire your nutsack for purposely jumping into the space to confront a personal issue. That's really not my M.O. I tend to wait until things are rosy on the outside before I take that leap, then (hopefully, anyway...) revel in the rosiness of it all (x 1,000,000,000). I don't knock on the door looking for trouble. It finds me often enough regardless.

But yeah, that's growth, right? You've found something that no longer serves you and you're ready to set it aside. I would just say maybe try and let go of the shame as well, if you can. We are, at any given time, who we are in the process of becoming. I think if you're able to internalize that and hold tight to the moment of your epiphany, maybe you won't feel the pull as much to fall back into it next time.

I've got nothing but love for you.

The social chameleon thing, like most things, isn't inherently bad. It can be very useful for us to adapt in different situations, but as with most things, necessitates an amalgam of balance. And while the sense of shame is natural, allow it to go away, because you're actively working on the thing that brings that shame about and there's no shame in that.



Some of my best journeys have been when I was already balling my eyes out and decided to go for it. I don't recommend it, but personally, it tends to pay off.

One love

I too know the social chameleon feeling all too well. Grew up in a military household, and moved about every 3 years up until I was graduated HS. Your story cuts pretty deep. It doesn't help that I have a job that reinforces the necessity for me to use it all the time and mirror energy of my customers...

This isn't about me however; I'm happy for you. It sounds like you had a beautifully reaffirming trip. Huge props for diving into it specifically looking for an immediate confrontation with a feeling.

Thanks for sharing.

Aww shucks, Bill I appreciate the kind words. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but it means a lot to me. I will try to let go of the shame, because as you mentioned, that no longer serves me either. It had been a good tool to motivate me to discontinue the behavior, so I see it as a good shame, but no longer necessary. I like the phrase "in the process of becoming". It reminds one that we are all still works-in-progress, and that it is okay to be incomplete because we still have growing to do. I will take your advice and hold onto the moment. I've already had a few wonderful moments of integration where it was almost as if the spice was still with me, feeding me with more nuggets of wisdom to help me continue making changes, which has been a new and interesting experience.





I've always been a person who moved from place to place rather frequently, and it did help me in those situations, as I could enter a social circle and instantly be like one of the crew. The difference, now, is that I am settling down, and I'm not moving around anymore, so it feels disengenuous, and it bothers my conscience because it's not necessarily the best representation of myself, which I understand now. Thanks for the kind words of advice, as always, I will heed them carefully.




You're welcome, and please don't feel like you need to stifle your own story just because this is my post, I actually really appreciate and enjoy everyones stories and anecdotes. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, so your stories are always welcome

Growing up in a military family must have been tough. My dad was a Navy man, but my mom won when she gave him the ultimatum; the military, or a family with her. So I dodged a bullet there. I can't imagine how that must have been as a child. As far as jobs reinforcing that behavior, I used to work in restaurants, and my last year I moved from the kitchen to the front-of-house to be a server. Having to match customers energies, and also each table having a different energy, requiring me to change my energy every 5 minutes was exhausting, and I didn't fare too well for too long in that position. That's why I left and got a job working with dogs and have never been happier in a workplace.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I truly am grateful for all of you