We've Moved! Visit our NEW FORUM to join the latest discussions. This is an archive of our previous conversations...

You can find the login page for the old forum here.
CHATPRIVACYDONATELOGINREGISTER
DMT-Nexus
FAQWIKIHEALTH & SAFETYARTATTITUDEACTIVE TOPICS
First Try Since First Breakthrough! So Grateful! Options
 
Teamleary
#1 Posted : 11/30/2020 4:10:22 PM

DMT-Nexus member


Posts: 160
Joined: 30-Jun-2019
Last visit: 20-Dec-2022

Hello everyone,

So, quick recap before I try to tell you about that amazing time I had, thanks to the spice : )

This summer, I had started to feel a stronger pull towards faith-related questions and feelings. Especially because of a book I was reading, Miracle of love, (stories about Neem Karoli Baba). I could see that I was envisioning a life that would give a role to God and that was very new to me. One night, at my folks, in the country side, in the garden, toying with changa, I lived my first breakthrough. My head was paralyzed and my eyes commanded to stare, immobilized, at what felt like the kingdom of God revealed before me. Understanding that this is all around us constantly. I cried immediately for the beauty and the gratefulness. I write « cried ». I was sobbing! Amazing.

I felt the desire to do more psychedelics, after such an amazing experience. But at the same time, I knew deep down I had to integrate first. And so, actually, weeks went by without doing any sacred substance. I could see my life change. I doubled the amount of time spent meditating per day. I stopped smoking weed each night before going to bed. My diet improved even more. I felt even more connected to my « spiritual self ». It’s like I knew something very important, very beautiful and reassuring, and that was now accompanying me.

Lately, I have been having doubts regarding my material life (mainly: where I live and my job). I thought that maybe I could start thinking about trying to go back to the countryside and try to find a way to stop working, so I could have the simplest life possible. Just being preoccupied by the essential. Also, because I’m a philosophy teacher, and because that brings a lot of « intellectual drive », you know, a desire for truth which can be tiring and counterproductive for the spiritual seeker. So I was also wondering: shouldn’t I stop « looking for more knowledge? ». A question that I knew directly concerned my psychedelic journey as well. Should I be trying to push towards more intense experiences, or should I try to feel contented with less? Meditation, sometimes, seems to imply that we need, in order to obtain enlightenment, more « boredom » in a way, less thrill.

Anyway, I had planned a « full meditation » day, which is not exactly what it sounds like: I’m just « not allowed » to work, use my computer or my phone, write anything but poetry if I feel like it, nor read anything. And so I do meditate most of the time. But I also can cook, do the dishes, vacuum, etc. Just, I try to make a meditation out of all these activities. So my day started well, like pretty much every day, stretching, cold shower, green tea, zen meditation… I have to say that I was microdosing this day (I started microdosing LSD in September).

I felt that it would be a good day to do DMT after almost 4 months off. Also, I didn’t think the 8 micrograms of LSD were gonna change much but I thought it could give it an extra kick.

I didn’t really think about it, but I was wondering if, in a way, this trip was gonna answer my question (about working/seeking). Like, would it be something that tells me « stop chasing mystical experiences » or, on the contrary, « yes, keep going! »

When the sun was setting, I started a little ceremony, burning some white sauge and palo alto wood. Did one last mantra-meditation/prayer and lied down on my bed. Also, I now have a light that produces colored and moving shapes. I prepared 30mg of freebase. I use the e-mesh technique as I have explained already a bunch of time, so I won’t bother you with the details now but if you want to know, ask and I’ll answer : ) Just basic info : 34yo male, 6ft tall and 163 lbs. Just had a bowl of rice and a couple of apples.

For the first time I managed to take the whole 30 mg in one hit. I knew that I took it all and so for a split second, I felt confident but only for a split second, because, the next split second, I knew something went wrong. I wasn’t being overwhelmed as I usually am. Nothing was « really » happening. I closed my eyes « to help the trip », but barely saw some very light CEV. A voice inside my head said « no no, keep your eyes opened, nothing going in here ». So I opened my eyes, but no OEV either (which is especially surprising, considering this moving light I have).

The only thing that did happen was that I felt a mild to strong body load. Pretty pleasant but, to be honest, I couldn’t really enjoy it I was assaulted by a bunch of questions of the « what’s going on? » type!

So I ended up wondering if I had actually failed to take the whole thing as I thought I did. But I checked and it wasn’t that. I wondered if the LSD, when microdosed could, maybe, counter the effect… Anyway, in order to answer these questions, 30 mins after, I tried 12mg of FB from « another source » let’s say.

Immediately recognized the usual feeling. And by the way, there’s often something intensely threatening about it. But as I never feel personally threaten, it’s never unpleasant. I wonder if others experience that also. It’s like « TA-DA! The powerful Spirits are here and they’re very serious, they’re not fucking around, so don’t you dare do anything bad or disrespectful » but at the same time, it’s like I, personally, don’t risk anything, also cause I deeply feel that « there’s nothing I can do anyway ». So I don't feel super concerned by the threat. I’m a bit impressed but I’m not scared. I closed my eyes and the visuals were pretty beautiful yet a little blurry. Also, it was full of joy and humor.

So I wonder about that « batch ». Can FB go « bad » and just lose a lot of its potency, like that? Cause this one used to work very well!

Anyway, I waited another 30 mins and took 25mg this time. Once again, all in one hit. And then… well… My mind froze, I don’t think I could tell if my eyes were opened or closed (tho, now that I think about it, I know they were open at first and closed after a min or two). I was projected in another reality. Beyond words, of course! Kinda felt like I was leaving my body. Things were moving but they were extremely clear, accurate, like the highest definition screen ever.

At some point, I saw this big, « ball », but kinda like a ball of wool, I mean something made of a big number of ribbons, in a way. And all the ribbons were full of symbols/signs. I was getting closer to the center symbol, the most important one, in a different color. Most ribbons were green. The center symbol was grey, in a red and blue square. I think everything made sense even tho I wouldn’t have been able to verbalize it. At that point, it felt like the « realest » thing I’ve ever encountered: I burst into laughter and tears of joy. Laughter at the idea that someone would/could doubt the existence of God. Tears of joy because… well, you get it. It was just « full » of reality/being. How could anyone ever experience « more » ?

The sound of my laughter surprised me a lot. I couldn’t really understand where it came from, like « from what body », from what pan of reality? I opened my eyes and discovered my room, and it was like I had totally forgotten about earth! So I closed my eyes again, and in this white room, I think I was a giant child was showing me the ball. But as I kept laughing of joy, it made me « come back down » a bit more and I opened my eyes for good. The room was filled with geometric veils that reminded me of what I saw this summer in my parents’ garden. This « it’s all around us » feeling. I watched my hand and it was a very intense vision. I could see the flesh so vividly and, at the same time, some kind of pale veil that wrapped it. Like a spiritual body being all around my material body. I said thank you a couple of times again, as I was feeling extremely grateful for the most (or close second) most amazing experience of my life. I checked the time then : only 10 mins.

I kept going « woaw, that was intense » for another 15 mins I think, as I was coming back down. As I got back to « normal », a slightly bitter feeling started to grow. I thought of one of the first things I’ve ever read here « the experience raises more questions than it gives answers ». And yes, I think, the part of my mind that remains stubbornly western-philosophical ans wants « positive knowledge » starts to doubt everything once it realizes that no, there won’t be any clear cut conclusion to be drawn from this experience.

I have yet to see machine elves, domes, or the birth of the universe… I’m half kidding when I say that. I mean, I’ve stopped reading reports because they build expectations that, I think, are troubling, in my journey. I understand that they’re helpful for others, and I think it’s really great that so many of us want to share. But I also think they put pressure on my shoulders for now. It seems like I’ll be capable of reading them once I have a few more experiences on my own.

I don’t know if everyone actually go through these archetypes breakthrough. I just know that these are the ones I heard of most often. And that, because I heard of them, I have a desire for. But I also know I should and will welcome any experience that comes towards me, without judgement or preference. So I’m trying to silence the voice of said desire. It’s a tough but interesting paradox that’s implied in any spiritual journey: you seek something but you have to learn not to let the images surrounding the desire who’s at the source of that quest define the journey. In the end, you always live what you need to live. And each time I came down from a DMT experience, it felt like I had gone through what I needed to go through.

Anyway, it was magnificent and I’m gonna take time to integrate that. Since then (it was Thursday) I’ve flet pretty happier and even more in love with my girlfriend. My faith has strengthen and I feel grateful for existing. My journey is my journey and I’m just happy I get to live it.

Thanks for reading. I hope it was helpful/interesting for some of you.

Love to you all, and be safe. I hope these times are not too hard on your and your loved ones.
"How Small A Thought It Takes To Fill A Whole Life"
Wittgenstein
 

STS is a community for people interested in growing, preserving and researching botanical species, particularly those with remarkable therapeutic and/or psychoactive properties.
 
 
Users browsing this forum
Guest

DMT-Nexus theme created by The Traveler
This page was generated in 0.031 seconds.