My most difficult emotional experience Options
#1 Posted : 8/4/2019 12:53:25 PM

DMT-Nexus member

Posts: 611
Joined: 02-Dec-2017
Last visit: 30-Sep-2023
Location: The unfeeling, dark chrysalis of matter
Mindset: Excellent, prepared to cleanse and heal;
Physical condition: Good;
Setting (location): my apartment, followed by a hike to the nearby forest;
Time of day: Noon;
Recent drug use: Kratom and edibles, 2-3 days ago;
Last meal: Crackers and ljutenica

Gender: M
Body weight: 102kg
Known sensitivities: None;
History of use: A dozen times;

Substance(s): LSD;
Dose(s): ~300μg;
Method of administration: Oral;

Administration time: T=12:00
Duration: T=12:00
First effects: T=12:20
Peak: T=14:30
Come down: T=22:30-24:00
Baseline: T=02:00

Pleasantness: 3/5 - blissful and divine on one hand;
Unpleasantness: 3/5 - soul-crushing and utterly devastating at the other;
Visual Intensity: 2/5 - definitely not as visually intense as other instances, but this time I didn't pay that much attention to visuals anyway;
Intensity (overall): 3,5/5 - emotionally draining, but cleansing;

Hangover: 0/5;
Afterglow: 0/5;


Hello friends,

It's been a while since I've posted. The daily routine consumed me completely and between work and reading books I haven't allocated time to much else, including participation in the discussions herein.

By good fortune or not, several supposedly 150μg tabs of LSD found their way to me some time ago. I had been actively searching for an appropriate place in nature to trip, but after a few failed expeditions to the surrounding area, I concluded that my expectations are set way too high. In a way, I was being a perfectionist regarding the place of the trip itself, mainly because I've experienced the hampering effect of a bad set and setting during a stronger trip before, and I wanted to avoid that.

Ultimately, I felt that maybe tripping at home is the way, because it didn't seem I was finding the right place, and I needed the experience because I had let negative thought patterns entrench themselves upon my mind again, enforced by the stressful and unsatisfying environment that represents my work, and augmented by the magnitude and weight of what I have accepted as my path in life.

So yesterday I woke up at around 10 am, cleaned and tidied up the apartment, grabbed some fresh vegetables, coffee, and 99% cocoa chocolate from the nearby shop, took a cold shower and consumed a couple of those tabs. As the acid gradually kicked in, I put on some Shpongle in the background and just chilled on my bed.

As time progressed, I observed yet again the familiar pattern by which LSD works on the human mind. At first, it saturates your mind with great vibes, makes you laugh and admire at the perfection of Nature and lays upon you a warm blanket of positivity and cheerfulness. During that blissful period, I most likely presented a rather peculiar sight to an 'outsider'. My Bō staff was not with me, so I had a broomstick in my hands, and I was pacing back and forth around my apartment spinning it, occasionally stopping at my desk to spritz myself with a spray bottle filled with water and Syzygium aromaticum with the aim of regulating the rollercoaster of temperature fluctuations currently happening in my body. I frequently switched from the staff to the fantastic pair of Taiwanese Kali sticks I recently won from a US-based martial arts instructor's giveaway.

The visuals intensified, and I was going deeper and deeper. At one point my apartment started feeling small and encapsulating, and I could see storm clouds forming outside. I have a built-in affinity for storms, so I decided I'll take a hike to the nearby park, which was more a forest than a park. I knew the rain would drive people off too, which was good given the state I was in. I readied my backpack with water, some fruit and a towel, slapped on my earbuds and took off.

As soon as I entered the vast greenness of the forest I was engulfed in its beauty and enchanted by the wildness therein. My phone was supplying a steady stream of Carbon Based Lifeforms to my ears, which blended in with the lush greenery around me and fused into a breathtaking amalgamation of mysterious and utterly captivating magic, innate to a landscape full of life I couldn't see, but I could feel. I strode forward, deeper and deeper both into the forest and in my mind.

In a couple of hours, I felt that I had taken all the energy I needed from the forest, and I apperceived the desire to go back to my apartment. On the way back, the skies tore apart and rain poured down from the ashy clouds to cleanse the earth. It is at that moment when I once again recognized the LSD pattern in effect. The fun and games were over, it was time to go deep into my mind and pull up to the surface what was weakening me, so I could deal with it.

The cold droplets from above washed my tears down, and the bare earth below soaked them. I looked at the silvery, boiling mass of clouds with a tortured cry for help and answers, but deep down I knew there was no help, and I was not ready for the answers yet. For those of you that don't know, in 5 months I am leaving my life and family behind and am traveling 15,000 kilometers away, to Peru and the Amazon rainforest, with no date of return.

The source of most pain that was rotting me from the inside was the fact that I will have to leave my dear, older brother and his beautiful family here. Over the past few years, I like to believe we bonded a lot and compensated for the 8 years of difference we have that had temporarily ripped a big gap between us. He went through some incredibly difficult times that nearly tore him apart, and I was witness to it all. With or without my help, he overcame it and withstood the blows of fortune with fortitude and endurance I wish I had right now as I stand face to face with the challenge that lays ahead. His adversity-saturated path taught me an important lesson that you never really know what life has in store for you, and that no matter how strongly you feel you got it all under control, you need to always be prepared for a curveball coming at you from a direction you expected the least. He also taught me the importance of remaining a good human being in the face of circumstances that would turn an otherwise tame person into a mindless, cruel beast. For all this, he has my eternal gratitude.

Having walked that path alongside him, and now being forced to leave him behind and go so far away was the price I had to pay if I undertook this journey. Not only that, but my parents were also in the picture. All of this laid an excruciatingly heavy load upon me, and I usually kept the boiling cauldron of pain this caused at bay. However LSD forcefully obliterated my line of defense, and I was left exposed, bare as the earth below me and disturbed as the sky above me. I just let the tears flow, and the trees and all forest dwellers around me soaked some of my grief. I remembered what Estas Tonne said after a live performance he had here in Sofia a year ago:
Estas Tonne wrote:
"When you go out in Nature, give your pain and your sorrows to a tree, or a stone, or Mother Earth herself. They will take it from you. That's why they are here. Don't hold it in, just let them take it from you."

So that's what I did. I kept thinking about how we are both cursed and gifted the ability to feel emotion. I remembered Terence McKenna's words of wisdom:
Terence McKenna wrote:
This is a general law of the universe, overlooked by science, that out of complexity emerges greater complexity. We could almost say that the universe, nature, is a novelty-conserving, or complexity-conserving engine.

The more I dwelt on that, the more it made sense. We as a species didn't seem to serve any other purpose than adding to the complexity of the universe. Eons ago the entire universe was just a dense cloud of electrons. Then it expanded, and stars emerged within galaxies. Countless planets formed, and the simplest, eukaryotic organisms emerged. Eternities of cosmic wind shuffled around the gene pool of all life, creating more and more, ever so complex and unique varieties of life. Soon the earliest aquatic amphibians came. Then the universe made an even greater leap in complexity and made them crawl onto the land and evolve into land creatures. Therefrom, after millions upon millions of years of evolution, our ancestry came. At this point, the universe was gathering more and more speed. In a way, it was getting better at creating complexity, and building upon existing complexity. At some point, the human brain evolved enough to carry on that increase of complexity. Art was created. Technology started appearing. With faster and faster rates the complexity was increasing. Look at the world now - we are basically living in a technological, almost artificial plane of existence. In a matter of a few thousand years, we transformed the planet. Imagine what it would look like in another hundred...

This made me realize even further that humanity's only purpose is to keep the engine going, and add exponentially to the complexity. But for some reason, this didn't provide as much relief as I expected it to. Terence believes we are in the shadow of the Omega point - the moment where we reach such incredible levels of complexity, and the rate at which the universe gets even more complex will be so high, that we will ultimately hit a point of all-encompassing super connectivity - we all will be one, as realities will merge into a single, incomprehensibly complex unit. What that would look like evades even the most developed imagination. We're a moment away from dawn, and the Sun is just above the event horizon. We see only the dim, ethereal glow of what even the wildest dreams cannot dress into a comprehensible image or concept.

And this brought me back to the solidification of my journey's purpose. If there is one kind of human that can go deep enough into the mind and its sacred connection to consciousness, that is the indigenous shaman of the Amazon. They are the seers. They are the linguists that know how to communicate with the beyond. They are the ones who have access to the missing part of the map that leads to transcendence. And they know how to navigate the realms of the unknown. My journey, my quest, my purpose - to learn from them. Why? Because I want to take a peek over the event horizon and ascend to the eye of the storm. I want to stare right into the Sun beyond, and if what I see hollows my being and burns me to a crisp - then so be it. I need to believe that whatever happens to me, it will be worth paying the price I will have to pay. Embarking on this path allows for no cowardice and flimsiness. With a stout heart and a desire to learn, I will face all the obstacles that lay ahead, because there is no other way.
Terence McKenna wrote:
“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.”

Even if what I find below is far from a feather bed, I still like to believe it will be worth landing on, for if my irresolution leads me away from this path and anchors me firmly to the shallow existence I pertain to currently, I shall add nothing to the complexity of the universe, and this will be a disservice to the grandeur of all creation.

I frequently recollect the opening paragraph of H.P.Lovecraft's timeless The Call of Cthulhu:
H.P.Lovecraft wrote:
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

That is ultimately what I am after - piecing together of the dissociated knowledge that makes the human existence so puzzling and incomprehensible to most of us. I may go mad, but I shall never flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new or the same dark age.

As all this was developing in my mind, the painful vices slowly weakened their grip upon me and there were no more tears to be washed away by the rain, so it slowly came to a peaceful halt. I shakily returned to my apartment, and soothed my pain with some old Terence lectures, further reminding myself of how beautiful and creative his mind was. Some proclaim that being so undoubting and confident in someone else's theories is unhealthy and obsessive, and they may be right. But I won't turn my back to what Terence devoted his life to until someone provides a more reasonable explanation as to what the purpose of humankind is. Until then, I shall follow my path and if a La Chorrera-esque experience is meant to happen, then so be it. If there is one thing I am certain of, it's that the Amazon has secrets worth unveiling at nearly any price.

It is with a humbled heart and boundless gratitude that I hug you all, my dear friends. May the light be bright upon your paths, and may all the adversities you stumble upon be worth the final destination. I love you all. Love



Live plants. Sustainable, ethically sourced, native American owned.
Users browsing this forum

DMT-Nexus theme created by The Traveler
This page was generated in 0.044 seconds.