Hi friends,

I want to reach out to the people that are more into psychology and behavioral sciences. Recently and usually while on kratom or ketamine, I've been experiencing some rather unusual (for me) urges to contact emotionally significant people from my past and express either my gratitude or regrets. I will give two examples.

The first one would be my second to last girlfriend, with whom I was for around 6 years. It is important to note in advance that I attribute a large portion of my personal growth to the suffering I've been through, caused by the way our story unraveled. Long story short after we finally decided it's over for a period of about one year I did not care if I was alive or dead. I had multiple occasions where I could commit suicide, and a few times I almost did it.

Fast forward some years ahead, I am now extremely thankful to that woman for the pain and suffering she caused me made me grow and evolve into who I am today. Ever since we broke up our communication died away, but recently during some experiences with ketamine and kratom I've been getting the urge to contact her and just tell her how thankful I am for what she did to me, and how she is the reason I am so self-centered and happy right now.

The motifs behind that were far from boosting my ego and pretending I'm so much better off than her or whatever. I felt the genuine need to let her know that I am thankful to her. A bit weird, I know.

The second example would be the ex-boyfriend of my ex-girlfriend. Long story short, I popped up in her life at a time she was still in a relationship (albeit very unstable and unsatisfying) with said ex-boyfriend. My presence made her break up with him and get together with me. A few weeks later we accidentally met in front of a club and he attacked me in blind rage, at the time of which I felt it was very inappropriate, but later on put myself in his shoes and understood and forgave him. Currently I am not in a relationship with this woman anymore.

Recently during the aforementioned experiences I felt the urge to contact this guy and just say I'm sorry that I got between them in some way. Even though I am fully aware he most likely still believes that I am the reason she broke up with him, and is unable to see his own flaws and their weight on their relationship, I still wanted to express my regret and tell him that it was an inappropriate thing to do.


The reason I am sharing all this with you is that I am not that psychology-savvy, and I'm pretty sure that this science, along with behavioral science, has an explanation of this state of mind. If anyone knows why that happens, what triggers it and what does it mean for one's personal growth and development, I'll be very thankful!

Be well, Nexus.

I think making amends for past transgressions is a very noble deed. It really shows empathy and compassion towards those we may have hurt.

What triggered this? Maybe you expanded and now your view now includes a wider range. This is part of healing. It is all to easy to become self absorbed in this life and forget that we can and do affect others intentionally or not. When the smoke clears and we can see a bit more clearly these types of empathic thoughts will come in.

Psychologically speaking it sounds simply like guilt. Wanting to make amends will help to alleviate this feeling. This is a good thing to remember and do the best you can to not harm others in the future, or place yourself into negative situations or relationships. I mean it really sounds like you have become wiser to be sure!

You may very well get the chance to express your regret. Keep in mind that others may not be receptive. If this happens, let it go, move on knowing that you did your best to make things right. Sometimes we just have to live with the decisions we have made. Nothing to change. Only forward. Acceptance and gratitude... even for the ones that hurt us the most.

I certainly hope you can reconcile everything to your satisfaction. Sometimes things have a way of working out.

P.S. I found this article (link below) and thought you may find it interesting if anything considering the content of your post. Here is a snipit "Many group-living vertebrates, but particularly mammals, seem to use 'conciliatory gestures' as signals of their desire to end conflict and restore cooperative relationships with other individuals after aggressive conflict has occurred," McCullough said. "We seem to have a similar psychology as well."

https://www.sciencedaily...2014/07/140714213640.htm

DmnStr8 pretty much said it all, however allow me to offer a different pyschological view point, from the point of Transactional Analysis, a conceptual tool used by pschotherapists and invented by Eric Berne.

When we say hello to someone, and they dont respond, we feel something. We say "they have no manners." But that is a judgment, not an observation. A true observation is the following: What one feels is akin to being robbed, because one expected an outcome out of saying hello (for the other person to say hello back.)

Based on this premise, all interactions are transactions (because u get something out of it) and transactions form the building blocks for games. We humans play countless number of games because we are taught them from birth.

Berne defined games as:

“A game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome. Descriptively, it is a recurring set of transactions… with a concealed motivation… or gimmick."


For example, one writes an ex saying sorry for all the past hurts and inmature actions and thank you for all the joys and lessons. One can get many things out of this transaction: the feeling of repentance or whatever name...repentance is not a good word..., connecting with someone, entertainment, maybe she responds positivley and they can get back together, and so on.

So it is a game...weither unconciouss or conciouss, there is a desired outcome.

http://www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/

Based on these texts you may ask yourself some questions based on the current transactions (and subsequent games) you are involved with or intend to involve yourself and discover their roots and causes and meaning for yourself.

I do a terrible job explaining the whole thing, so if time and interest permit, read the original texts. This whole thing is very different from Freud in that Transactional Analysis feels, at least to me, more real, because its something you can actually see in life all the time.

The idea is that to the degree in which we avoid games and try to obtain true intimacy (which is what we really want) we will be happy and authentic.

I hope this was of interest to you. Bye!

Thank you both for the replies. To answer DmnStr8 - I have no idea what triggered this. But over the past 1.5 years ever since I was really introduced to psychedelics I changed completely. I believe that I am way more receptive, benevolent, stable, harmonious and generally a better person.

I truly believe that the almost insurmountable pain and suffering said breakup caused me combined with the healing and consciousness expansion properties of LSD really triggered a big change in me.

So much more to learn about myself... Be well, friends.

Much love and support wished to you Nydex!

I'll throw at it: we start to feel uncomfy of the thought to die with unfinished business as a result of procrastinating. Cleaning the conscience, I guess that's a good thing.