I will keep this short so as to not bore anyone with the details and also as the details are quite personal.
All my life, I have seen nothing but darkness in the world, Every day I asked myself "Why keep this up any longer?", "Why do I keep going on when every day is as dark as the last?"
I had hit rock bottom. I was at a point where I could not go on anymore.
At that point, I came across a video online about how someone managed to work through some roadblocks in their life with the aid of psychedelics and started doing some research.
After a month of spending every free hour doing research about risks, what to expect, and reading other people's stories, I decided I would give it a try. I mean, what could it hurt at that point, I had already hit rock bottom. I had already given up and had nothing left to lose.
So I went on with my first extraction, following the tek I had chosen to the "t" and was left with a result I felt was worthwhile of the effort I put in.
At first I was scared beyond belief. I had read quite a bit and knew that what I was getting into was intense and impossible to prepare for.
My first journeys led to a slight shift in perspective. I wanted desperately to see more, to glean something of the experience that would somehow give my life meaning, that would give it purpose.
I pushed hard for this, too hard in fact which led me to a shutout. I was devastated. Right when I felt I was close to finding something, the gates were closed to me. It felt as if all meaning was locked away from me. I pushed hard to get back in, I beat on the doors but they refused to open so I beat upon them harder. At this point a force met me and tore me apart, showed me how unworthy I was of the wisdom behind those very doors and made it very clear to not come back until I had made amends and would not take it for granted. For two long months, I did not try again, I was never going to try again as I felt I was truly not worthy, that I had my chance and blew it.
Then one night, I felt a pull back. I was extremely hesitant, fully expecting the same results. To be deemed not worthy of that which I sought due to having taken it for granted before.
Instead I was greeted with an energy, the same energy from before and tested. I was torn down again and shown flaws, shown that there was much I needed to change and then torn down, leaving nothing but a core behind. I was stricken with grief from having all this before me and treating it like a distraction, a way to forget the corporeal world. I vowed to never take it for granted again and was allowed to have the gates before me open up and welcome me in.
It was then I decided I would go in with no expectations and with an open mind and I would do everything I could to use what wisdom I was shown to improve my life.
It started with giving up caffeine. I was dependent on it and can now see it was clouding my judgement. This was but the first step in many to come.
A few more journeys in and I was given an urgent message that I needed to change my ways immediately and see family before I ended up regretting not doing so before it was too late. The next day, I called my father to see when he would have a day off to see about doing something. I then found out my grandfather's cancer had come back aggressively and my family was taking a trip to see him quite possibly for the last time. I dropped everything including work to take that trip knowing full well that I would die regretting not having done so otherwise.
Somehow, that being of energy knew what it would have done to me had I not gotten that opportunity and made it a point to make sure I knew I should see my family at that time.
From this point on, all my journeys were met with little things I needed to improve if I were to be happy in life and find my place and I did everything I could to put the wisdom I gained to use as best I can towards that goal but in the end something was still missing, something I couldn't define, something I did not know was even missing but I could feel the void from the missing piece.
My next journey was significantly different than the rest had been. I was shown love. I was shown that love was the piece of me that was missing, the piece that was keeping me in the dark. The piece that would complete me and allow me to find my purpose in life. I was in awe and yet saddened at the same time. Love had no place in my life and neither did I want it to.
At this point I had to take another break. I could only think, "Is this being playing a trick on me?" "It must be, I did something wrong to get an impossible task such as this. "How could I find love when I did not desire to seek it out?" "This must be a test to see how I handle myself when given a challenge that cannot be completed."
I gave up again at this point. Unwilling to go back having failed to find a means to this impossible task. Months went by, I wanted to go back, to ask what was meant of this but I could not do so.
Then one day, when I had given up hope, by chance, I discovered someone who I feel could complete me and I her. I was ecstatic, I had finally solved the challenge before me without intending to. I realized that part of the challenge laid out before me was understanding that some things in life can not be sought out, only happened upon by chance.
Shortly afterwards, I again felt it was time to go back to seek out what was beyond those doors once more.
I arrived and instead of the usual challenges and feelings of something that needed changed, I was shown nothing. At first, I got a feeling that I had not solved the task before me and this was to be my punishment, to be locked away from that which I had begun to hold so dear. Then I felt the energy again and one thing reverberated throughout me, that it was time I showed what I had learned in solving that final challenge. And so I did, I let the feeling I feel for this wonderful woman fill all that existed. In return, It was made clear I had gotten the lesson when those same feelings were sent back infinitely amplified. This feeling was pure. Nothing else mattered. It filled that last void within me and showed me I could become whole once more so long as I stayed on the path that was before me.
This concludes my story and brings me to where I am now, typing this as I fight back tears from the humbling journey I went through to find my purpose, my reason to go on.
I type this hoping it is a worthwhile contribution to the nexus and can in some way help someone the way I have been helped. In the hope that someone at the ragged edge can see this and not give up and instead have hope.
This is my offering to the nexus.
This will be the conclusion of my journeys with psychedelics. It has truly been a humbling journey, and one that will continue to define me until the end of my days, however going forward, these amazing substances can't have a part in my life.