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Creative, open person but neurotic/hard time letting go. IS DMT for me? Options
 
bosharpe
#1 Posted : 8/27/2017 4:47:59 PM
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Hiya folks!

So I'm creative person, I'm introverted and shy yet open but suffer from neuroticism and I have a hard time fully surrendering to myself and to situations, especially social ones. I like the feeling, or have have gotten very comfortable with the idea of staying in control. It took me a while to enjoy taking rollercoaster rides for example and I really have an acute awareness of my mortality. Yet I really want to break free of myself, my anxiety and habits and have a yearning for a profound spiritual experience.

I have a bad time with weed. I don't smoke it anymore, and I've never taken anything to make me trip.

I read about DMT ages ago but it's surfaced recently and regained my attention through watching some lectures. I'm currently on a mission to free myself from my habits, to better myself and I was wondering if a) I'm a good candidate for DMT. b) should I try other things first.

I'm not someone who is tempted/drawn to mindlessly 'trip balls' and 'zone out', I'd rather 'tune in' as I am a daydreamer by nature so my unconscious feeds me pictures all the time anyway. I'm looking for personal growth. The headspace I'm currently in: Broken up from a 10 year relationship in May, still live with my parents, kind of been a drifter for the past 5 years until now, am shy/don't do well with crowds of people, am lazy, suffer from social anxiety, seeking to build confidence and strengthen myself - mentally and physically, I'm sensitive and I'm also a thinker.

Any advice would be great and very much appreciated.



 

Good quality Syrian rue (Peganum harmala) for an incredible price!
 
strtman
#2 Posted : 8/27/2017 5:07:55 PM

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Sounds like you are ready for an ayahuasca trip.

If I were you I would book a ceremony. It can be mind-blowing and gives you what you need.

Quiet the mind and the soul will speak
 
Jees
#3 Posted : 8/27/2017 5:36:10 PM

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Nobody can tax you on a pixel screen Neutral
I wish you well Love
 
Wolfnippletip
#4 Posted : 8/27/2017 6:24:20 PM

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Welcome to the Nexus! You sound like a good candidate for a 40 mile bike ride followed by a stiff dose of cactus tea. Very happy
My flesh moves, like liquid. My mind is cut loose.
 
null24
#5 Posted : 8/27/2017 7:30:56 PM

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Lol, I'd say don't listen to those guys, but they are right!

Pot and psychs are two vastly different things. Folks that find themselves more anxious with pot will not necessarily have that reaction with psychedelics. Pot just makes people paranoid, period, if they aren't used to it. I'd wager that you'd find a very different reaction to, oh say, a little psilocybin. Very happy (we all have our faves!)

Welcome, you sound like you are just the kind of person that fits in well here. Not that we are about fitting in, but...
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*
 
bosharpe
#6 Posted : 8/27/2017 8:49:46 PM
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strtman wrote:
Sounds like you are ready for an ayahuasca trip.

If I were you I would book a ceremony. It can be mind-blowing and gives you what you need.


Cheers, thanks for the suggestion. Any tips of finding a decent shaman or administrator? I heard you poop and hurl when you take it... although that was according to Graham Hancock, back when I read his book Supernatural. Hehe.

Wolfnippletip wrote:
Welcome to the Nexus! You sound like a good candidate for a 40 mile bike ride followed by a stiff dose of cactus tea. Very happy


Sound good Smile thanks for replying.

null24 wrote:
Lol, I'd say don't listen to those guys, but they are right!

Pot and psychs are two vastly different things. Folks that find themselves more anxious with pot will not necessarily have that reaction with psychedelics. Pot just makes people paranoid, period, if they aren't used to it. I'd wager that you'd find a very different reaction to, oh say, a little psilocybin. Very happy (we all have our faves!)

Welcome, you sound like you are just the kind of person that fits in well here. Not that we are about fitting in, but...



Thanks! I know a little about psilocybin. Any protocols or types you could recommend for me? Smile

 
werver
#7 Posted : 8/27/2017 8:56:55 PM

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You remind me of myself! And I did go and find a shaman who introduced me to Aya. You don't have to break free from your habits, you can develop other ones and shift your attention to those. I will gladly admit that this is easier to recognize when you're not all curled up in your headspace. I was interested in Aya ages ago but also super scared. It was worth overcoming the fear. And the ceremony wasn't even expensive. I liked the group setting and the overall calm atmosphere.

Also, you're not necessarily lazy if you don't play all those games people play if you can already see the endgame and it isn't worth the struggle. But you are probably not living your life to the fullest if you think of yourself as being lazy.
...but it all looked so real! It's not just imagination! Here is why.
 
null24
#8 Posted : 8/27/2017 10:33:28 PM

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Quote:
Thanks! I know a little about psilocybin. Any protocols or types you could recommend for me? Smile


Protocols? No, not really. I prefer tea, alone, at night, outside. With cannabis. But that's me.

Types? I'm partial to wild ps. cyanescens, because they grow in my area. I really don't know enough about strains to know the difference, but recently became attuned to the fact that there are characteristics between them.
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*
 
bosharpe
#9 Posted : 8/27/2017 10:44:55 PM
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werver wrote:
You remind me of myself! And I did go and find a shaman who introduced me to Aya. You don't have to break free from your habits, you can develop other ones and shift your attention to those. I will gladly admit that this is easier to recognize when you're not all curled up in your headspace. I was interested in Aya ages ago but also super scared. It was worth overcoming the fear. And the ceremony wasn't even expensive. I liked the group setting and the overall calm atmosphere.

Also, you're not necessarily lazy if you don't play all those games people play if you can already see the endgame and it isn't worth the struggle. But you are probably not living your life to the fullest if you think of yourself as being lazy.


Hey Werver, thanks for your reply!

Yeah that's a good point and I agree, it's what's going on behind the laziness and you summed it up pretty well. It's like you know me, haha. Although of course it's more complicated than that.

Can I ask you what change you experienced after your first time taking Aya?
 
Zilsk
#10 Posted : 8/28/2017 1:51:42 AM

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Welcome!
There is some great advice in this thread already and I wanted to add my 2c. I also have trouble with social anxiety at times, I don't react well to people trying to 'be my friend' too quickly when I don't feel comfortable around them yet. I have found this can make a DMT trip just that little bit more overwhelming when there multiple strange entities approaching and interacting with you. They aren't afraid to get right up in your face that's for sure.
 
blue.magic
#11 Posted : 8/28/2017 11:55:06 AM

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A friend of mine helped me tremendously with San Pedro cactus ceremony. DMT would be too much for me at that time in any form, incl. Ayahuasca.

But everyone is different.
 
#12 Posted : 8/28/2017 12:16:57 PM
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Go for it. Smile
 
werver
#13 Posted : 8/28/2017 1:15:29 PM

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bosharpe wrote:


Can I ask you what change you experienced after your first time taking Aya?


Sure thing! But to make it undertstandable I think I have to write quite a bit.
My first ayahuasca experience might be unlike other people's experience. It certainly was different from what I expected. I started with conventional therapy and was reading a lot about self improvement and so on. But at some point I decided that just wouldn't cut it. So I managed to get an invitation to a ceremony. After that I took the dieting really seriously. They handed out a sheet with info, basically what you can read here about food interactions with MAOIs.

The very moment I clicked to the button for participating online I started purging. I was totally sober, so it wasn't induced by booze or something. It may have come from something I ate or whatever, but to me it doesn't really matter. The way I understood it I made a decision to do things differently from now on. And that really is a difference to the desire of being someone else. It doesn't change you. But if you are open minded the experience allows you to look at yourself and decide to act differently.

So at the day of the ceremony I travelled by bus to the place about a hundred miles away. In the bus I talked to a girl sitting next to me. She told me a friend of hers did it and had an increased amount of awareness afterwards, faced his deamons and stuff like that. It got me worried again. But then I remembered that was the reason for me to go there in the first place. So I managed to improve my mind set before the ceremony even started. Like "Inner deamons? Bring 'em on, I'm ready!"

The shaman showed up two hours late, but everybody in the room was content with him-/ herself and nobody complained. I guess everybody was aware that it was about working on your inner self and therefore it would be useless to shout at the world around you. Now that kind of atmosphere might not be there in your experience if you decide to have one. But I think it's vital to remember that you don't necessarily have influence on the things that go on around you and you have to accept the flow as it is. Whatever the set up may be, just roll with it.

The ayahuascero had a western background which was very nice for me, because his introduction speech was rooted in a culture I can perfectly understand. About toxicity he said there are maybe a dozen people dying from Ayahuasca each year. Mostly because they were confusedly walking close to a cliff and fell off or the ayahuascero would use too much mapacho in the brew which contains nicotine. But there are thousands of people dying from painkillers taken as prescribed every year. Remember that nicotine is potentially deadly if you eat as much as one cigarette. Then again, forget about that, because maybe your ayahuascero might use some in his brew. Some pre flight jitters are fine, but I don't want to set up your mind in a way that you are scared of dying. If you have the feeling of dying during the experience, again: There are some things in the world around that you cannot change. Just roll with it. It's no use fighting against it. If youdie, you die. That's not a bad thing to happen. It's actually very natural to do so sooner or later.
And he used a very powerful mindset to distinguish the specific qualities of ayahuasca from what we usually think of as a drug. A drug in the western mindset usually makes you feel good instantly and on the day after you have a hangover and feel bad. With Ayahuasca you instantly have a hangover, purge and feel bad. But if you let the experience happen you might over time feel better afterwards.

As I said, I had a good mindset to start from. So at the time the medicine kicked in I knew what to do. In the beginning I had a vision of alien surveillance cameras checking me out. And I was like: "Come on, pot makes me paranoid! This image has the potential to scare me!" And with that thought the image instantly changed to something still alien checking me out but without any paranoid connotation. Fine! So there are things I can control! And that is how I see the world (I didn't think that in the moment, but afterwards. What people call "integrating the experience)".
I heard other people purging without feeling the need to chime in. As I said I had done the purging way before, like two weeks or so. In retrospect I find this the most amazing thing about the experience.
Then I saw like a spirit guide or something. It had an orange outline against a brownish background. Maybe it was an image of the shaman, maybe something not rationally explainable. The next thing I felt was fingers going up my spine and reaching my brain. A very tactile hallucination of the medicine seeping into my body. I felt the fingers reaching my forehead from the inside and starting to pick and discard little black shards from inside my brain, mostly the prefrontal cortex. I guess this could be interpreted as a very unpleasant thing to happen but to me it felt like a nice massage.

After that there wasn't really too much going on. I mean yes there were strange unknown landscapes and three dimensionally shifting wall patterns that would make me a famous artist or architect if I could rebuild those. But there was no meaning attached to it. It was a very nice ride from there on. I even took a second glass of medicine thinking I would have to face my deamons in order to have a full aya experience. Well, there were none present. I translate that as a consequence of me sticking to the diet very strictly. I usually don't stick to things very strictly. And it was kind of hard to quit the coffee in the morning. Took me a while to realize that black tea wasn't a fitting substitute either. But maybe the gradual refraining from caffeine was a good idea after all.

Integrating the experience: I had a beautiful afterglow the day after and felt like I was hugged the whole night by somebody who really loved me. It took me months to realize that this person was probably me. Because I was laying on an sleeping mat quite uncomfortably on the side with my arms crossed. Only without the discomfort because I had catlike sleeping skills. But I also have the feeling that I didn't get the whole spectrum of the aya experience. Because I wasn't being authentic with myself. Ayahuasca is a very bodily experience and with the MAOIs/ RIMAs heavily related to your eating/ drinking behaviour. As I said earlier. In the preparation I acted differently than normal. I guess smoking DMT can't offer you that part of consumerism criticism. But what I learned is there is always somebody who loves you. And that is yourself. I think this a good basis for doing more ayahuasca work. Because from there on one can experience that your surrounding family and their love might be toxic. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe they don't know any better. And there is still somebody who loves you. Yourself. And even if interdependency is ubiquitous, codependency is not the only way to go. And two steps ahead and one step back may look as a step back, but it's also the simplest dance on earth. You decide how you look upon it.

I should add that I picked up smoking during this time again after five years of having quit. But the motivation for quitting was externally, not internally. So what mother aya tought me was to be authentic with myself and not judge myself by other people's standards. What I have left open on my to-do list is an experience without dieting first so I can move through my everyday behaviour with substance dependencies and their correlation with unhappiness. Don't expect it to be the medicine you want, but the one you need. And dance!

The shaman was very open about possible side effects, too: Not believing in god anymore, suddenly believing in god, quitting your job (moving out of you parents' home Pleased),... The whole setting was very open, too. On the morning after the ceremony everybody was invited to share the experience with anybody, but nobody was forced to.

So I think you see how much you remind me of myself. I didn't live with my parents anymore, though. I hope whatever experience ayahusca will offer you benefit from it as much as I did. Maybe it is a good idea to go somewhere where it isn't illegal to take the substance. Just to make sure your subconscious doesn't bother you with a man made set of rules that are basically arbitrary. Maybe it's not necessary. You have to decide.
And keep in mind to go with the flow. If there is a snake that seems to want to bite you, tell it to swallow you whole! Even if it doesn't, accept it! That also means you are not neurotic. You may act in a neurotic way. But don't let other people's standards define what or who you are and what not! And acting is a interdependent thing to do. It is also susceptible to the will to change. It might be beneficial to remove yourself from your environment in order to change your way of acting. It might be unnessecary.
If you really want to improve your situation I advise you to not only trust in an effect from the outer world (no, not even ayahuasca does this trick for you), but to take your improvement into your own hands. I read "The Tools" by Phil Stutz and Barry Micheals around the time I went to the ceremony. Not during the ceremony, mind you. Pleased I also began to love talks from Alan Watts. He's all over youtube...
...but it all looked so real! It's not just imagination! Here is why.
 
Daft Monkey
#14 Posted : 8/30/2017 11:51:59 AM

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Reading your first paragraph I'd say don't do DMT just now. From everything I've read and my own limited experience this is a substance where you don't have control and many people feel like they've died or are dying. At least coming up.

Reading the rest of your post, sounds like you would benefit greatly from meditation. Maybe some light exercise as well. Meditation and exercise melt stress and anxiety, you'll naturally build confidence and a bonus is you'll likely find that creativity receives a boost as well.

After becoming competent at meditation you may find the desire to load the universe into a gun and blast your brain with it might not be so strong as it is now.

But if you decide to take the trip you will have done alot groundwork in getting the correct set & setting.

Below, this guy has the most positive first time experience anyone can hope for. Looking at his youtube channel he's heavily into bodybuilding, probably eats a good diet, doesn't drink too much. Generally is in a good state of mental health thanks to exercise. Which is why I don't think it's a coincidence that he's had such a good first time experience.

https://www.youtube.com/...v=QqBRb0ujleE&t=641s

His follow up videos are amazing too.
 
Jees
#15 Posted : 8/30/2017 11:59:33 AM

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bosharpe wrote:
...I have a bad time with weed...
How so?
I ask because I knew a guy who could not deal with weed's intensity he'd freak out, go figure such a person should not be encouraged to simply jump in whatever-can-go-wrong. Serious guidance at the very least in such cases imho.
How did weed trouble you please?

This was also the reason I said first: nobody can tax you over some screen pixels. When I read someone had trouble with weed, I'd be on the prudent side to advise stronger stuff. Unless we know what that trouble exactly was.

*

On a second note:
If people here advise to jump in, it's mainly because they believe and know about the therapeutically values of the products. However, embarking on such route involves more than this center of gravity, there's a whole shebang coming with it. It is generally estimated that this would be no problem and thus left out of the scope of advise given. The automatic reassurance (that people do their home work properly and private/sociological environment would be in favor) make that these factors are considered obvious and so no part of the question. Yet it all matters. The peripheral circumstances can easily become more of an issue than the matter at hand. Relationships can deteriorate rapidly when these components, their sourcing/making/storing etc etc, become a center fold of your psychology. Sometimes they enhance relationships, sometimes neutral, sometimes detrimental. These factors cannot be read in a post about you and your issue.

Most people here would lean toward the idea that a non supportive relationship/environment is better to end anyway. While that might hold truth, this could be an extra process to cope with on top of your healing-endeavor. IIRC a non supportive friend-of-partner (once here at nexus) called in the cops. I'm not trying to think negative, but embarking this route involves a whole approach, and then checking if all/most factors play in favor or at least not predictable in opposite, that's all. You're in a vulnerable position, just know that.

Payed guided experiences at another address gives more headroom toward personal life, but that has drawbacks too. Could be an good introduction though, or a bad one, all depends.

God speed on you.
Love
 
bosharpe
#16 Posted : 11/4/2017 3:48:24 PM
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Hey folks! Really sorry for the delayed reply as I got some really good responses when posting here.

Daft Monkey - I 100% agree with you on meditation it's something I don't enough of. A lot of the time I'm in my own head. I'm a daydreamer, thinker and actually a worrier too, so I spend way too much time up in my skull and not with the experience of being alive - my surroundings, sitting with my emotions and breath.

I've just joined a gym for the pilates/yoga/body-combat classes and I'm taking long monthly hikes which I think will help with this.

I definitely need to lay the foundation and groundwork before I'm in the right space for the kind of experience DMT and suchlike offer. But that could be sooner than I may have initially thought. I'm going through lots of growth spurts at the moment. I'm taking classes, meeting new people and have just put my first consultation for Jungian Analysis down in the calendar.

Jees - I went through a period of smoking weed often. Once me and a friend baked some weed cookies with an 8th bag of oldish weed. The recipe went wrong and the cookies were burnt but we ate them regardless. We went out and about 45 minutes later they kicked in. I felt a deep uneasiness and had increased pronounced heartbeat which caused me to 'lose' it. It was very embarrassing as I flipped out and was in this kind of frenzy of fear. Ever since I've tried smoking weed and I feel that same panicky feeling come back which I why I avoid.

Werver - Thank you for your indepth description I appreciate it. I think for me taking Aya isn't quite the right time. Maybe in the future. Yeah I like Alan Watts. I'm watching a lot of lectures on Jung too at the moment which I'm finding fascinating. The two people who introduced me to Jung were my acting teacher and a psychology professor in Toronto which happened to coincide at the same time in Feb earlier this year.

I read a bit about micro-dosing recently too and I'm wondering if I make a bit of space/time and prepare mentally that this could be beneficial to me.

Many thanks.
 
 
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