Last trip (3 years ago)

Me, drunk, alone, wanting to get more messed up. Been in the DMT space more than a few times, have some stories to tell, feel like a pro but not really respecting it at this point. Enjoy how bizarre it is. Empty tins of shitty booze around me, wonder what the next thing in DMT land will be. Load up a bong, hit it hard, portal opens up above me like I'm looking up from inside a manhole. Three demons are laughing at me from the top edges of the manhole, telling me I'm not getting in, because I've come in drunk before and it's not a playground (which is true. I went in drunk once and ended up in a nursery and was escorted out. Bad place to be when you aren't respectful). I get annoyed and the main one laughs again, then ROOOOAAARs in my face "PISS YOURSELF". And I do. I piss myself in terror. The three demons laugh hard, delighted that I pissed myself, the portal closes. I change my clothes and mop up my own piss.

(fast forward 3 years)

Me, on ketamine (to be in the otherness with none of the judgement), still thinking about the Blue Family from years ago, wondering if God is in the DMT, still have the DMT from years ago on a shelf in a cupboard. Miss the unbelievableness but still terrified of the gatekeepers. I am gifted a prayer from a friend to guide me through the fear and just go for it, I am back! The first face I see is letting me know not to be terrified. It is kind and warm and pushing its love into me and I am filling up with it and it is so, so funny. I keep snorting out of one of my nostrils and the sillyness and the fun are determining how my body moves, but the waves of pure love are telling me it's not a joke and I feel it so hard, the love, but it's so funny and I can't stop the snorting noise. I recompose myself and go back in about 45 mins to an hour after and the vision I meet is a child creature in a womb, right up against my face, pawing at me, moving the membrane of the sac with its hand and smiling. I smile back at it and it goes back about its business, floating around in its pastel shaded amniotic sac, so pure and full of love and wonder. I am in awe.

Next journey, I am more inspired and want more, I recite the Shaman's prayer over and over to make sure I am ready and respectful. I go in and the pastel/neon/whatever that magical shade of green and blue is, the joy and wonder has me giggling like an idiot and I’m drooling on myself. I drop my e-cig device and oddly the glass part doesn't smash. Thank you for that. With spirits revived and a good state of mind, I go back in but this time I'm not with the face of love and wonder, I'm in a massive collection of people, not unlike the pool party. All fun and wonder until a heavy force/presence comes into the space and everyone moves when he/it arrives. I say he/it because I didn't get to see it, it came from behind me, but it felt like a male, like the powerful leader of the spirits who were there. 'It' grabs me by the back of the neck and lifts me high in the air, then dunks me down hard into the water like a swimming pool bomb, only as soon as I go below the surface of the water, I am now in an amniotic sac, with peachy membrane and veins and claustrophobia. I have hooves. I feel a massive push and swell and trauma and I feel like I'm being crushed, but then the sac bursts and the fluid shoots out and hits the floor in a rush and I land on the floor with it, hooves all over the place, trying to find my feet. I can't walk properly, stumbling about and I am traumatised. I'm covered in sac fluid and snot and blood and whatever else thick viscous substance was there. I remember that I was inserted into the sac while I was sat upright, inserted into myself, into my own womb, and I remember pushing myself out of my own hips and pelvis into a heaving wet lump on the floor. I was seriously freaked out at this point. My dad is a minister and is strong with his faith, which I always thought was bullshit and idealism and make believe. I paced around the house for about half an hour, I had put my coat on and I had my phone in my hand, I was ready to call him to come and get me. I wanted to go to him and say "Okay, you were right and I was wrong, I am really sorry, what do I do now?". I felt like I was going to explode but I stayed in the house and cried myself to sleep.

Next journey I was ready for it. I was feeling the love and could feel the love in me, it was an energy that made me full of joy, curiosity, warmth and goodwill, and I was starting to feel a bit like Jesus. I had been using ketamine to feel the energy when DMT had been taken away years ago, so I kept the sensations that I had felt before in me with this, and it stayed this time. My ritual was a glass of wine and a line of ket, enough until I could feel myself existing in the liminal space, when the candle flame is alive, the vibratory border that lets you know you are tuned in and ready. The less than 24hr period between trips, I was full of the spirit of the DMT. When I was crying and the visions were slipping away, I asked it "let me be this way all the time. Fill me up. Work through me. This is what I want". And it did stay with me.

The next day was just pure wonder and I continued on seeing that wonder and prophecy fulfilled just by me being alive – wildly delusional I know, but it did teach me a neat trick. When I'd think "Oh lord, that's what Jesus would have done, I must be Jesus", I was able to hold my fingers up in the air and use them to shove away this massively hubristic idea. Like it was on a sushi train. You put your fingers on the side of the idea and push/swipe it to the left, and the grandiose idea is gone and you are humble again. I could feel the physical weight of it lift off me, I felt lighter after. The idea or thought was manifested into a form I could manipulate, and I could dispose of it if it wasn't worth dwelling on.

Next trip while being Jesus in the flesh, I hit the vape hard and meet a deity that I don't know the name of. I don't know any of their names. I've been listening to the Mahabrahta and reciting the Green Tara mantra, so maybe that's why all the heavenly creatures/people/gods/entities are Indian or Hindu to me, but the main one (who I have forgotten now) took me to a temple, a large hall and in the corner there was the kindest, most beautiful, sensual sweet goddess. She was translucent blue and I could see through her, but her form captivated me. She was floating on a cushion, reclining and not looking my way, but she slowly moved around to see me, looked me up and down and seemed pleased, but then everything changed. They wanted to see my soul. I hadn't thought about my soul much, but they were examining it hard. They gave me a shield to defend myself because there was a war coming and I was going to be in it, I was ready for the war. They bored into me and told me there would be a great battle and I would be needed. I was ready.

I took another hit and just as I reached my spiritual might, the gods/spirits/entities pored over my soul and found that it was lacking. Right now, I do my best to be kind and humble, but as a younger person, I was a dick. I thought (I enjoyed) telling people the brutal truth was the right thing. I was also very vain. I thought the "short sharp shock" approach would work. Sort of. Mainly I was being a dick, pointing out other people's shortcomings. I also did things and acted in ways that I powerfully regret. You wonder if the 'you' at 15 is the same as the 'you' at 35... You know you are the same person, but that person before, it’s hard to recognise them and you feel they needed to be punched in the head and shown the way.

Well, the gods examined my soul, and they saw all the massive failings in it, and they turned away from me. It felt like all the worst things about me were being brought to the surface to be exposed and when the perfect celestial beings saw how flawed I was, how rotten, they were not interested in me anymore. They just turned away from me and when they did, I felt every good thing in me drain out of me, I felt like a jug with a big hole in the bottom, leaking out all the good stuff. I felt the gift I had been given being taken away and all the joy and inspiration draining away into a numb feeling. I was still using ketamine, and noticed that after it got me in that liminal state, a huge weight landed on my left hand shoulder and I could feel it draining me, gnawing on me and the more empty I felt, the more I felt this lump chewing on me. Prior to this in other ketamine journeys I had been able to wrestle and expel such things with the aid of white sage, but it's hard to try shaking off something negative when you feel that way in yourself. I still feel it now. But the worst thing is having known that perfect joy and feeling that I can never have it again. I want it back so much. I wish I was better. I'm trying.

So I spent a long time, days, confronted with my actions and forced to look at them, because they weren't going anywhere. Not even the sushi thought trick shifted it, and even if it had, it would have just been buried again and returned later. It was bleak, walking around with "YOU DID THIS" over my head for days, and all I could do was sit and work through my actions and see exactly what I had done, who I had hurt, how I was now because of it, and slowly, veeeery slowly, kind of sort of came to terms with things in my past. They still exist and they are still a part of who I am/was, but in breaking them down, I saw that, awful as they were - they weren't nearly as bad as I had thought. The buried memories of my past actions had festered into a poisonous infection that had dogged me whole life because i hadn't addressed them. In facing up to them, I was able to see them in fine detail and work through them, which in turn allowed me to move on from them. They are still there, but I feel like the wound has been cauterised now and can move forward without it dragging along behind me.

I took out the DMT vape again. I knew I couldn't go in since the last time with my failings at the front of my mind, but I could now hopefully, humbly return and say "Yes, I am that person. But I want to be better than I am, and I'm trying, and I need your help. This is me. Here I am". The presence on this last journey greeted me like a teenage friend/old lover helping me through a bad patch, and the feeling that came from it was "I know that was hard, but you had to go through that. I'm still here, and you are okay". More tears. I'm crying so often now that I'm starting to wonder if being moist is my face's natural state. As the spirit of the DMT starts to fade, I look up at it through wet eyes and ask it to never leave me again. I hope it never does.

I'll update/edit this soon/shortly if needs be. I’m still learning. x

Thank you for being so honest in your post. I can relate to some of the feelings here.

I don't have a whole lot to say, it seems to me you're on your path.

One thing about finding yourself in the position of Cosmically Good and Cosmically Foul... I would try not to mind it too much when it does come up. It seems to switch around. The old truth of nothing being permanent applies here too I think, and best not to linger on "am I good or bad?" and rather just keep moving and learn your lessons. You don't really know what you are from your limited vantage point, eh? Just what you're thinking about yourself and if somebody (even entities of the spirit world) relates judgement to you.

This is an invitation to improve as well, I don't mean to say that it doesn't matter if you do 'bad' things, just that it's best not to linger on judgement for more time than its worth.

These are just some thoughts, not sure if they'll relate to you entirely, but it's what I had in the brainspace. Take care, nathanielle

I know how you feel. Back in Nov 2011 my brain was "re-programmed" by "someone(s)" and I went from being zero artistic, to becoming an extremely successful artist within 1 year (something that others strive their whole lives for, and most never succeed). I knew it was a gift, because things fell into place with an almost unnatural pace (gift arrived after I finally fixed my health after 10 years of problems by cutting down processed foods, sugar, and flours of any kind).

But in 2016, the gift drained. I felt that it was taken back. Not only the ideas drained, but I encountered business problems that I didn't have before. Basically, "someone" cut the cord. Things went from unnaturally favorable, to unnaturally unfavorable.

I believe that was because I never managed to go the extra step that I knew I had to do (in a lucid dream, I had promised them daily exercise, near-vegetarianism, sleep more, and going out more). I didn't want to do that, I just wanted to sit in front of a computer for many hours, eat ice cream, and watch lots of TV.

So they took the gift back. I know they did.

The line of communication was also cut around that time too. If you go back into my older posts, you'd see more lucid dream reports. Haven't had anything since late 2016. They took their bags and left.

I dunno... I think if a person has acted regrettably it's good for them to recognise it, and it's good to deal with it, whichever way that may pan out. I think if a person knows what it's like to be hurt then knowing that you too have inflicted that hurt will make them regret being the perpetrator in some way. You're right - lingering on it isn't helpful to anyone, but not addressing is the same as lingering on it, even if it isn't in the front of you're mind, and it will eat you (me) up if you leave it to fester.

I guess that depends on having some sort of moral compass too - if you kick a cat on the way home and don't really care, nothing to deal with emotionally I suppose, no real mental dilemma. The benefits of being a sociopath

But I do agree with "This is an invitation to improve". It most certainly is. It's not where I was expecting DMT to take me, but I'm glad it did. There's healing in there along with all the crazy stuff. And thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate them <3



Funny you should mention that - I've found myself not eating farmed meat or drinking cow's milk or eating battery eggs. Wasn't a promise I made (so hopefully I won't be beholden to it if I slip up), more that I have some new sense of compassion towards thier conditions. Born again hippy But I can relate to sitting by a computer eating ice-cream (or drinking red wine in my case). I want the treat stuff as much as anyone.

Do you think there'd be any way to reopen the line of communication? But yes, I know what you mean - it's a terrible thing to know you've been given something special then to have it taken away again. Big hearts to you <3

>Do you think there'd be any way to reopen the line of communication?

If I start doing what I'm "supposed" to do, I'm quite positive they'll reopen the line. Just a feeling.

I reckon you're right ;P