Greetings fellow Earthling, what a pleasure to meet you

My name means 'Tiny Titan' in Greek. It's a handle I've used for a decade, and I think it describes DMT quite nicely. I like Eastern philosophies, Western psychology, Speculative Fiction literature and I think they overlap very satisfyingly. I consider myself a Bhuddist: What a gentle and loving religion.

Like yourself, I am the result of a series of accidents. I am love, joy, loss and anger, but mostly curiosity. About you, the rest of the conscious universe, what we all are, and what we can be. I think we could be amazingly good at optimizing outcomes for each newborn to reach their potential in a sustainable relationship with our environment.

But first the western world needs to heal, reconnect with spirit, and reconcile with profound and ongoing injustices to it's beleaguered and conquered, including the environment which sustains us and our fellow life-forms. I believe we will soon have an opportunity to choose this direction, as the vast false global economy collapses under the weight of demands from it's elite. Western Laissez-faire vulture-capitalism has no need of real people: just zombie workers. Having said that, pure, consciously directed capitalism is built-in to any replicating energy system. 'Seed' capital has been working beautifully for aeons

We must re-unite with our parent civilizations (One of the obvious grandfather civilizations, still extant, is 2500 generations of the First People's of Australia, who brought several sacred plants with them from South America, via the Phillipines - Acacia's). Then we will hopefully take our rightful place as the baby civilization to the old, wise ones.

My brain phenotype is currently labelled 'Bipolar' in this culture. A label I once received as a curse, but now realize as an amazing gift, as anyone's brain must be. The pain my 'illness' has caused myself and those around me has, at times, been immense. However, the 'forced learning', while resented almost as much as homework in high-school, has been enormously valuable to my - and their - growth as conscious entities. I now recognize psychosis not as a 'split' with reality, but a cosmic re-perception of it, almost at a cellular level. Madness indeed. I suffered delusions such as the interconnectedness of all things, that we are all, at some level, precisely the same person. Love was the guiding principle of the universe. Enter western medicine. Sorry mate, it's just not true.

Didn't continue past 1st year chem or zoology - my first episode intervened and I never took them up again. I studied electronics, computers and social psych, eventually.... Worked as an engineer on mobile phone infrastructure, handset development, then electronic election systems before my 3rd 'episode' put paid to that after I attended a consciousness workshop. Flipped me back into a psychotic, delusional state. Lost family, house etc. 90% of relationships don't survive a psychotic episode, sad but that's the stats.

Long hospitalisation, suicidal depression, 12 sessions of ECT, 13 long, long years of recovery. At last I had a proper diagnosis: 'genetic' predisposition(father was/is a hopeless alcohol addict, and pretty much every male relative). Bipolar, not 'drug-induced'. Unsurprisingly, I self-medicated, but not with alcohol(Sooooo much more dignified to be a pot-head ). I HAD wondered why none of my friends who took WAY, way more and varied drugs than me seemed to go 'psychotic'. Depression I was used to.

Jeez this is getting off beam. I don't feel sorry for myself, anymore. I have wanted to die but not been allowed to for a long, long time. I couldn't do that to my child: whatever suffering a parent must endure to protect their progeny from avoidable harm, just must be endured, no matter what. I continued self-medicating; without cannabis, my life wasn't worth living - it got me through with some inspiration, where pharmaceuticals just gave baseline survival. However, cannabis renders me mentally stupid and it makes me uncomfortable to know I'm dependent. Hopefully not for much longer....

My daughter's nearly full grown, old enough to get to know the parts of me I have necessarily hidden from her. We do coffee and she is a beautiful young woman. I feel it's time for me to continue my journey, have new adventures. I am not afraid of death. Death is my warm friend and constant companion, and I am grateful for her company. One day we will meet at her place, and it will be a great day.

But not today. A wonderful thing happened. Over the last 6 months I have assembled a modest chemistry set, to follow an interest in essential oils. Amazing what you can get for almost nix on ebay and aliexpress. Last week, I somehow wound up at a strange website while searching for chemical solvent properties. There were seriously intelligent and enlightened people there, all talking about something I'd never heard of in over 40 years of existence.

My next search was 'What is DMT?', and then straight back to the magic site: DMT-nexus.

It has been 10 days - I performed my first extraction last week and learned so, so, so much. I will write it up when the entire experience has crystalized in my mind. No, I still haven't tried DMT - someone was looking out for me and may have stopped me killing myself accidentally(a truly ironic tragedy if it had happened). I have taken many, many deep breaths and many steps back and am determined to do this properly. Whoever that was, thank you from the bottom of my soul.

Because if I can have 20 years of feeling the way I now know I can feel, and be, then every second of every day will be a joy and a delight, and I want to be able to share that with my daughter, if not the entire community of sentient beings, and in particular, you

My Salmon of Doubt lays slain, finally. The cosmos has answered my prayers and delivered me my answer in a box. On the box is a label: DMT. Just like in Pulp Fiction, the answers are more questions, which is as it should be. I don't HAVE to open the box, now. I feel my faith in the existence of the greater universe is now titanium-coated and I could live calmly and quietly through the rest of my days.

But like Bruce Lee in 'Enter the Dragon', I just have to peek inside Yes there are dangers, but I feel I have been led here for a purpose. The psychosis has somehow integrated with whatever other selves are in here. I'm not, I think, in danger of 'freaking out' again and upsetting those around me by babbling incoherently about things that make no sense to others.

If I'm not ready, then I'm ready to be. May life bring you every happiness

Hi MeecroHyperion,

Welcome to the Nexus! You sound very much like you will fit in here well, and I really enjoyed your story, more so because despite some of the dark colours you are clearly now in what sounds like a positive place.

I cannot however let this moment pass without suggesting that you do NOT try DMT. Ultimately the choice is yours, but I have read at least 2 reports on here of people who have developed what in my opinion (I'm no psychiatrist) sounds like psychosis after using DMT.

I would imagine that your mind is far stronger than mine, you have gone through things which I cannot even imagine and come out the other side with what sounds like deep wisdom. But if you have any (even the most remotest fear) that an episode could be instigated by DMT then you must avoid it unless you are willing and ready to take that risk. In all my research I have not heard of it offering a definitive cure to any condition, although there are always anecdotes - DMT just helps you see the universe as it truly is, although in my case this was not a fast process. Aya is often thought of as the healer, I am yet to go there.

I am sure you have researched well, so please forgive me for saying these things - but much of the web glorifies this substance, and makes it out to be a great healer, and an amazing trip into other universes - it can be these things. But in some cases it can also be the destroyer. and those with no previous sensitivity to such things have been known to be thrown into paranoia, PTSD or psychosis. (often its considered that they must have had some sensitivity to this prior to use, but that's a circular argument)

Many more experienced members here will probably have more wise advice, or differ in opinion. But I could not just read your story and not say this.

Your post however does hint that you know this, and that you are making the adult choice which is only yours to make. If this is the case I hope all goes well, and please stay in touch with us all here.

Thanks so much for your enthusiastic welcome, and gentle and compassionate advice, upwaysidedown. Very comforting, and yes, I feel very much at home here.

You make a very good point, and I would be a fool not to listen to you carefully. First off, though, your mind is as strong as any - it may be the same mind, just reflected/refracted/diffracted over a different set of surfaces

It was apparent to me immediately that this was not to be trifled with. I tried mushrooms (blue meanies)in my 20's, had only 1 good trip(but what a trip), and quit after about 5 sessions. Still went picking with my friends, just didn't imbibe. I had a lot more fun, on average, picking than tripping. But they kept chasing me. I was inadvertently dosed 3 times more by accident, the worst in Bali where they got the omelettes mixed-up (ok I guess an omelette is supposed to be mixed-up but you get what I mean) - OMG I was seeing piles of rotting skulls when I closed my eyes, so I didn't, and then the power got cut off(it was night). The next day my travelling companions had a great time at my expense, and I was feeling like death warmed up. Then there were the curry puffs at the party I almost didn't go to. When the edges of my vision turned pink, I knew I was in for a rough night. Then the slightly strange-tasting cup of tea(another mix-up). Totally hilarious, years later *lol*

I always felt FANTASTIC, the next day. But mushrooms didn't send me psychotic, just intensely disturbed at times. The one good trip was just sheer magic, though. Interestingly, my only OBE was my first cannabis bong. Reality dissolved and I was alone in a pinkly translucent capsule, speeding upwards in a black void. In every direction, at 50 meter intervals, was a capsule just like mine, with a person inside. I wasn't scared, but utterly fascinated. Where was I? That was nearly 30 years ago. From the DMT-lexicon, I now recognise this as 'the elevator'.

I know myself an awful lot better now than I did then. My ego today is a very much reduced version of itself. I meditate every day. I remember exactly how it feels to be 'delusional' - it's how I feel now. Same delusions, but now I know where they go, because they're not delusions, they're true. All things are interconnected. Love is the guiding principle. Not only is our astonishing 11D universe(as far as physics currently speculates) stranger than we imagine in the 'mundane' world of mortgages and tax-returns, it is stranger than we CAN imagine, and that's where plants that can recombine our thoughts in novel ways can help, perhaps.

It's probably very lucky that I did not encounter DMT before now. But now I know about it, the genie just will not be squeezed back in that bottle. I will be having a very frank and honest discussion with my doctor, and organise a close friend to sit me through it. I don't necesarily expect it to be pleasant, although that would be nice. Similarly, I am ready to be disappointed, but I have so many layers, now, of self-witness machinery that I am pretty confident I'll be able to keep a foot on both sides of reality. I don't want to escape into hyperspace as I did(instinctively) in my 3 episodes. I don't need to squeal my delight at discovering a 'new' way to be to all and sundry.

This time I take it in my stride; I have a continuum to work with now, not just islands of revelation.

Thank you so much for caring, upwaysidedown

HEY M.H.

Thanks for your beautiful story! The synchronicity of life never ceases to amaze. I am glad you have found your way here and it sounds like you've had a life full of experience and in turn, wisdom. I really also enjoy your writing style too as it is fun and easy to read



I would have to agree with upwaysidedown in airing on the side of caution. DMT is an extremely POWERFUL and UNPREDICTABLE substance (as I'm sure you've gathered). Every experience is different and you never really know what is going to happen. It has a profound effect on your psyche. I am no doctor nor psychologist, but the majority of information out there advises against psychedelic use when one has a mental illness.

I also don't believe in calling these states "mental illness". Additionally, I believe in the power of these substances to heal when used in the right way, set, setting, intent etc.. So as unpredictable as it may be, it may be just the right surprise you're looking for. As with anything, the choice is yours.

I would say when you begin experimenting start small and slow, get a feel for the head space, and prepare yourself mentally. I highly recommend practicing some sort of meditation/mindfulness before you embark and setting a clear intention. Respect is of the utmost importance.

Anyways, thats my 2 cents! I wish you the best in life and the safest of exploration in this consciousness. May your spirit grow and heal at the perfect pace.

Peace and Love, SM

Really enjoyed your story welcome to the Nexus!!!

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I like you already MeecroHyperion...

Welcome to the nexus.

I have a feeling you'll fit in quite well here.

Peace.

@smoothmonkey: Hey!! Thanks mate, I will do as you suggest. It seems likely I may be more sensitive to the effects. After I've dotted my i's and cross my t's, I'll proceed in 5mg steps. Next month sometime, I'm thinking. Thanks also for your flattering compliment *writers ego straining against it's bonds*

@marz: Cheers mate

@nikhaz I feel your pain, nik. It's ghastly to realize your dad would rather hang out with a bunch of wasted strangers than his own kid. And you just can't understand it until you grow up. Haven't seen him since I was 15; don't even know if he's dead or alive. Ack pharmaceuticals. We have everything we need growing in our collective garden, if only we would stop burning the garden before we see what's there. The destruction of rainforests everywhere makes me weep. Depression is so zombie-fying, but a completely understandable and rational reaction to wanton destruction by madmen of our world, our cultures, our spirits, all for nothing but the aggrandisement of their own twisted ego's. Ach it makes me so mad. Hang in there mate. Meditation helped me enormously - if you can't make yourself do it alone(it is very hard, as the point is dissolution of the ego-self, which resists vociferously), join a class - yoga is even better. A very knowledgeable Buddhist friend of mine says yoga is the body catching up with the mind - very good integration. Grieving for your losses and especially crying is also very important. Helping others, as you evidently do, is also great chicken-soup for the soul. Thanks so much for your warm welcome!

@Doc Buxin: And I like you already I feel it too. Looking forward to a long and fruitful dalliance...

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Glad to hear it, nikhaz. I enjoy playing with my air-sacs, too! Got some links to share? It's weird to realize we are almost completely comprised of gasses, and process over 40,000L every single day. The lungs are our central energy hub, with a long and distinguished evolutionary history stretching all the way back to the first proto-amphibians. No food: 3 months, No water: 3 days, No air: 3 minutes.....

If spirituality exists, and we co-evolved with other plants and animals to take advantage of it over aeons in the Darwinian slaughterhouse, then the lungs couldn't possibly NOT be a powerful spiritual centre! Yeah, I've been meaning to do yoga for years - dang there's no excuses these days, with the internet. I'm all talk on that one

The only way, it seems to me, to halt the ongoing environmental catastrophe is to utterly discredit the modern monetary system through witnessing it's self-destruction. Global overheating will hit(badly) around the same time. You're spot-on when you say "As long as you can raise your family in no harm, what needs to change?", and there'll be PLENTY of harm to nearly every family on the planet. At that stage all we have to do to find out who did this to us is merely to observe who's children AREN'T harmed by it. I say forgive them, but make 'the desire to be rich' a diagnosable mental illness and treated accordingly.

Then we recover, join hands with the survivors, consolidate the tech from the new with the wisdom of the old, unchain consciousness, and the not even the sky's the limit.

I insist, whoever I am.... Have you read 'Childhoods End' by Arthur.C.Clarke? It'll send a shiver down your spine....

Saw this and thought of you: https://vimeo.com/138198860 Its about Ayahuasca as a potential treatment to bipolar.

Thanks heaps upways, I'll check it out.