While death is the ultimate trip, this post otherwise has no reference to psychs. And if this post is not very cogent, I blame it on lack of sleep. All this went down after a long work day and I've still not slept at 6:00 am being off and on the phone all night giving permissions and talking to doctors. And I'm not taking today off. It's gonna be a fun day. Thank god for caffeine.

So I'm driving home last night, when a call comes in, seeing the number I pick it up and pull into a parking lot to take the call. It's for the case manager of my dear friend Heidi and she tells me that Heidi had "an accident" and was in hospital, but stable. Oh great, I think and decide to continue home and call from there. The phone rings again and this time it's the nurse staff and I'm informed that Heidi is on life support after having choked on a sandwich and was in cardiac arrest for 45 minutes, but they had her intubated and on a breathing machine. I was suddenly tasked with giving the order-or not- to allow her to die.

I am the closest person to her and the only contact she has listed. We talked about this. If I had not been able to do that for her, the doctor planned to put her (body) thru a procedure in which it's cooled down over the course of several hours, kept on ice for 24, then warmed back up and then they wait and see if she wakes up and what she's like then.

It angers me-I think, right now I'm in shock and not feeling anything- that this is considered. Let my friend die in peace. Which she did, last night at 11 pm PST. I went home and prayed for her to find her way through the bardos to the light. I know she wouldn't want to suffer another round of karma. But knowing the burden she had, I'm sure she will face another incarnation. I just hope it's more pleasant than her last stay on this fucking rock.

She had D. I. D. - otherwise known as "split personality" popularly. A controversial diagnosis, I never doubted her veracity. She had suffered sever trauma in her childhood at the hands of abusive parents and was bullied, and her adult life was marked by severe depression, PTSD and suicidal ideation. She made a valiant fight to survive, but succumbed to her main vice- food. I will honor her life by letting y'all know that a beautiful soul has passed the veil and will keep her name on my lips.

So what do I do now? I have to make funeral arrangements, and she had no money, living on SSI with a payee, I have no clue how to proceed and the hospital doesn't have much information. I haven't slept yet, I just got off the phone with the tissue donation people answering questions so that her eyes can be used to hopefully give another two people sight, and have just been up thinking.

Man, I hadn't seen her for six months and just recently gained access to a car and went down to her place 50 miles south a couple weeks ago to get in touch since I'd list her number. That's why the hospital had my good contact info. I'm so glad I got to see her again, and just two days ago I called her just to say hi and that I loved her, so...that's better than my last friend who passed to whom my last words were "leave me alone!" Even if it was not said in anger.

Oh jeez y'all. This is so heavy, but she's at peace. I haven't been this close to death for a long time. This time I feel like death's ally, and I'm glad I could be of service to her this one final time.

You just don't ever know, y'all.

http://www.holybooks.com...tan-Book-of-the-Dead.pdf

Tibetan book of living and dying (book of the dead) PDF .

Much sympathy, stay positive.

-eg

Thoughts go out to you brother.

Thanks y'all, but I'm good. Tired and yes, a little in shock, but honestly Heidi wasn't long for the world and her pain was severe. She's at peace now.

No I have to stumble through the process of making arrangements. I have no idea how to proceed, really know where to get a base hospital in the only contact I have for them is the chaplain.

Thank you for the link eg, I think I'm going to put it to practice

Sorry to hear that about your friend Null.

It sounds like it will be a rough day and I will be sending thoughts and prayers your way today to help give you the strength to fulfill your last service to her, which I can't imagine how hard that will be.

It's sounds like she has had a rough go this time around and I hope she is at peace now.

Be strong friend and my deepest sympathy to you.


SO2

I'm glad the hear that your friend is at peace. I'm sorry of the strain the whole situation is putting on you. My father died almost a year ago from a sudden heart attack and I will say the most tiring part of the whole process was making the arrangements, the bearucracy, the legal issues, it can be intimidating. Perserverence was the key to my sanity, knowing that there was a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I don't know what part of the process you are in, nor do I know about the particulars.

If a decision hasn't been made with what to do with the body, contacting a funeral home would be the first thing to do. I will warn you if you have to be the one to deal with the funeral business, they were in my experience, a slimy group of people. Sure they made the appropriate facial expressions, but their bottom line was money, and they treated me like a car salesmen on the lot shopping for the best way to dispose of my father. If I could have I would have dragged his body in the woods, set him on a pyre and lit him on fire, but alas the legal system had what was his flesh and bones captive so I had to play by their rules, much to my dismay. In the end I had him cremated in a cardboard box, the cheapest option available, because it was what he wanted. A dead body in a fancy expensive box is still a dead body.

I don't know if that helps or not, I hope it does. Just know that my heart goes out to you, and that there is a peace to this for you, it's just that one step at a time, pereserverence.

Psych, thank you, that does help. I'm no where in the process. Only spoken to her doctors and got off the phone at 4:30 this morning with the tissue donation people making sure that she'll be able to gift her eyes to somebody. I have the slightest idea how any of this is going to be paid for I sure as hell don't have the money and she lived off of SSI payments I doubt she has any money in the bank.

Any advice along those lines very much appreciated. The hospital hasnt really been able to tell me anything and the only person they been able to get me in touch with is the chaplain and I'm waiting to talk to him.

You know, my definition of normal is whatever it is that you used to, and obviously the doctors in an ER are used to death on a daily basis but good Lord the way they just dropped all this in my lap unceremoniously and frankly with very little compassion is just a startling as the whole incident. It doesn't make it any easier.

I'm so happy that I have people in my life but I can talk to you both here and person.

As far as paying for such an endeavor, I've read of people to use crowd funding in similar situations like a GoFundMe site and their friends helped pitch in. But honestly I know nothing about that, just an idea. I remember it wasn't that much to cremate my father, but still it did cost, and the time it took was its own burden. Nevertheless I stress preservance. I'm sure there will be a way through this. Peace and Love.

Sending love your way null. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. My family went through something similar when my uncle passed several years ago, and we collectively had to make the decision to end life support. He had been sick for a very long time though, so we were emotionally prepared when it finally did happen and that made a huge difference.


You sound like an incredible friend to have. I swear it's things like this that really make me wonder if the universe has an agenda of some sort.

As far as funding, maybe start a gofundme or something? (EDIT looks like Psychelectric beat me) I'm not sure how comfortable you are in churches and other religious institutions, but you may have some luck asking for donations there as well.

You're a beautiful person. Best of luck to you in this moment of your life, and know that the nexus is always here if you need support.

Wow, thank you. I talked to a friend, and he says that a cremation costs around $300, and that since she was on Social Security they will cover two thirds of it. So that's not such a burden. This isn't straight from the horses mouth though so it may or may not be true we will see.

I really appreciate the support. Thank you.

I don't know if this means anything to you, but please keep in mind she's in the most peaceful and blissful place now. The place we all came from, place we will all return to.

Peace and love to you, my fellow being of light. Be a strong ship on this rough sea which is the life. <3

My sincere condolences. You're a good man. She was fortunate to have such a friend.

..heart from here null24...<3

at least you feel she's in peace now, and I hope you can find some too in that place of love which is timeless..
you're a caring person as we know here..so you're not alone..

God Bless You null for doing right by your friend. I'm a critcal care nurse and have seen many cases similar to yours. So many times it ends up causing a lot of suffering while the family tries to 'give them every chance.' Some don't want the chance and some are beyond it. That cooling procedure can work but it's not a magic bullet.

Sometimes it's best not to delay the inevitable. I'm sure your friend is up there thanking you for making a clear headed decision under difficult circumstances.

Hugs.

be strong brother ,

We feel you brother ... what about her apartment n' stuff, running contracts...etc? We have done that before - it was a lot of work. The landlord demanded 3 full months pay (as per contract) and a complete renovation - we was lucky in that we found a new tenant within two weeks, but we still had to do the refurbishing. Sometimes we just sat there - empty of everything

Yeah, I'm figuring all that out. Luckily, she had already filled out papers to allow me access to her apt. She has a SSI payee, who doles money out, so I'm guessing that person will be responsible for the finances. Heidi didn't have a lot of money, so I hope that the expenses won't be too large. This had to happen on a weekend, it's hard to find people.

Man, I fell out yesterday and just crashed for like 12 hours. Exhausted.

@pinkoyd: thank you. A couple folks told me I jumped the gun, but I knew Heidi well and we'd had that conversation. I believe I did right by her.

@biawak, nen, jen, et al. Your well wishes mean a lot to me. Thank all of you for your compassion and kindness.


Man, I just pulled out of a really bad depression episode that had me paralyzed in bed when I wasn't working. I'm thankful that my head is clear. I'm still in shock, death always takes a while before I feel the pain of loss- before I really start MISSING someone and that ache sets in. There's been a lot of tears, but mainly I'm agonizing over the circumstance of her death. I can't imagine the fear and panic that choking to death would incur. Actually, I can, a little. I almost died from an asthma attack and the panic of not being able to breathe...

She tought me a lot, and I'm glad I got to know her. She tought me how to hold space for someone, being there for them free of condition, judgement or expectation- long before is ever heard the term. She tought me how to see through tough exteriors and witness the pure light inside someone. She showed me how to persevere , the difference between shame and guilt... And how to be a friend.

Thank you Heidi, you're never a burden, thank you for allowing me to do this for you.

Again, I'm thankful for community. Without y'all and the great friends I've made in the local community, I'd be lost. Y'all are all my brothers and sisters, your endless love and support can never be fully expressed in words. To all I reach out for a great big hug.

I'm reminded of how every moment is precious, through the pain and through the joy, and how we are all made of love, even when it's been thoroughly abused. And that those who let it shine through are the good ones. Peace to you Heidi and peace to all of y'all.

I went down to Heidi's apartment to gather up her belongings yesterday, accompanied by my beautiful friend who held space for me while I did something that was very difficult.

I stood outside Heidi's door for a full minute, unable to turn the knob, but upon going inside I began to feel lighter. I don't know why or what happened, but I was given some "closure". That makes this a little less difficult.

All of her financial obligations have been sewn up (including cremation costs) and taken care of thru her payee, and I'm glad someone else can do that.

Spoke to the only other friend of hers and he is going to come up to Portland from SF, and together, we're going to the beach with Heidi's cremated remains where we are going to blast some Joy Division (her favorite) and put her ashes in the great pacific.

It gets easier.

I'm really sorry for your loss, null. I'll echo what everyone else here is saying, though - you are a warm and compassionate person, and you're undoubtedly doing right by your friend.

Sounds like a very appropriate, lovely way to say farewell...

Hugs, prayers, love & light going out to you up there in the Pacific North West from down here in NorCal.

As difficult as a death of a loved one can be, it can bring a certain type of clarity to the mind & soul that cannot really be attained by other means.

May peace be in your heart null...Much love.