Good morning ( cuz that's what it is here). A little backstory for those unfamiliar with the continuing story of bungling null. For years, I have dealt with depression. I don't know the cause, but it has been a lifelong companion. I am unable to tolerate SSRI meds since they seem to cause a really bad reaction- I have encountered unfounded rage from several different ones and am scared to take them.

At a young age, 18, I suffered a terribly traumatic event- a burglar in my home that I stumbled upon attempted to murder me but fortunately the gun misfired and I lived. However, the trauma of that event sent me to heroin to ameliorate the pain. For two decades I remained in that place. It led eventually to a complete breakdown of my life, I became criminal and eventually homeless.

Late last summer I finally secured both a home and weaned myself from methadone, which I've been off of since then, the longest opiate-free period of my life since 1999. My rediscovery of psychs, especially DMT , is what I credit with being able to do this. That, and the community here as well as the one in my hometown.

Okay, here's where I am now. I have a decent job, a nice little place all my own, am part of an active entheogenic community and keep myself otherwise occupied by writing and soon, public ally speaking in this topic. Things are....good. I have friends I can count on.

I'm really depressed. Why? Apparently there is a serious chemical imbalance in my head that seems related to serotonin. When I smoke DMT or take mushrooms, something I do VERY infrequently, it seems to "dial me in" for a time. My mood is lifted, I become more productive for a time and don't seem tobe filled with angst and ennui as much.

So, I'm looking at a nice fat Pyrex of my favorite kind of ACRB-goo/wax and trying to bring myself to smoalk. While I've done it before in bad head spaces and felt relief, all those times it was easy to point my finger at a causative agent for my feel-bad. If you curl up on a sidewalk to sleep at night, it's pretty understandable that one would feel shite emotionally.

Ive been quite frustrated and err, depressed, over how I've been feeling of late. Yeah, I have problems, I'm owed a bunch of money I desperately need for example, but none of these should cause me to flash on suicide as an out, which I often do. ( NOTE:I WILL NOT act on those thoughts, it's hard to understand but that is a " emotional safety valve " for me. When it gets bad, I go to suicide and it relieves me of some pressure somehow. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. )

So, I've never smoalked like this and dammit I'll say it, I'm scared. I feel a sense of guilt over my dissatisfaction, I feel ungrateful, and am afraid my guides will perceive my shortcomings and slap the shit out of me for it. In fact, I've decided not to travel without a sitter this time, when I'm usually a solo launch kinda guy.

I haven't tripped since I've been off the 'done, nor since I became ex-homeless. Give me some advice, folks, does anyone at all relate to any of this and can give some good info on their experience?

I healed my depression about 8 years ago with the aid of psychedelics. Hasnt been back. Took me about 3 years of really focused work on myself. I bet I could have done it way quicker if I had the help of someone more experienced with helping people in those kinds of things, but at the time I didnt know any.

In my experience San Pedro is probably the best go-to for healing depression. Really teaches you to love yourself. I think microdosing mushrooms or microdosing Salvia would be other good options.

Substances wont do all the work for you though... If they show you something in your life that is holding you back - get it out of your life. If they show you something your heart wants in your life - get it in your life. Surround yourself with good people. Eat well, sleep enough and get exercise. Spend time in nature. Take the time to relax but also do work you are proud of.

If you do all of the above and stay dedicated to your own happiness I think you will figure it out. You can go it alone if you dont mind the harder and longer road, but getting help from someone who knows how to heal depression can make the experience a bit easier and faster (as long as they are good at what they do).

SSRIs are garbage, way too long half life time, and they meddle with the areas in the brain which are responsible for love(feelings). That's why they dysfunct your sexual abilities. Have you tried different anti-depressants? e.g. Ketamine, or something reliable from the doc?

Personally I'd aim at a substance that is cheap, reliable & obtainable, less in side effects & legal. If it's healing but illegal, then f' the police or pretentious guides.

SSRI's are garbage.... Kill a lot of people. They also block some of the effects of many psychedelics.

I dont think I would recommend ketamine though - too addictive and dangerous. Ruins a lot of lives. I think there are better options - Salvia Divinorum works similar to ketamine but isnt addictive or dangerous like ketamine is. An Australian doctor gave Salvia to a few treatment resistant clients and they all saw great benefits before Aussie made the plant illegal.... They were just microdosing it too - didnt do any full doses. Luckily Salvia is legal many other places.

Ayahuasca vine by itself is also an anti-depressant. Microdosing can help some people, and in some countries the vine is legal but only the DMT is illegal so you can make it legally without any DMT added.

There are also some helpful herbs.... St Johns Wort, Maca, Ashwaganda, Tumeric, Gota Kola.... Some studies suggested certain people get better results from St. Johns Wort then modern anti-depressants even (way less side effects too!).

But this nothing for the summer. SJW is toxic for the skin and eyes in concert with UV radiation. Also it's very mild, it never worked for me.

Another idea: improve your gut flora, since it's linked to wellbeing. And cannabis only in moderation, too much and it adds up to your depressive state. Mushrooms were _the_ thing against MJ haze for me back in the days, until I caught too many bad trips. These days I only trip with quantifiable psychedelics & benzos to keep the fake guides at bay.

hmmmmm.

its something we can all relate to on some level.

i get around it by not eating grains, avoiding milk and dairy,
and limiting trips to short bursts/ binges.

me and maid eat enormous amounts of fresh fruits and veggies,
to compensate for vitamin loss.

im never taking an SSRI no matter what, period.

id suggest there is always gonna be a added buzzkill / depression,
just based on the fact were all rogues in a drug war zone.

sometimes, realism is enough to be depressing.
we remain calm and carry on though.

Not totally relevant to the OP, but the SSRI talk makes me think of a great series of papers by Irving Kirsch: anyone interested in such things should check out The Emperor's New Drugs. Very nice science.

Blessings
~ND

I've had some experience in microdosing shrooms for a few months 3 times a week and i have to say i'm really glad i did.
Everyone is different of course but it had some very positive effects on me:
-suppression of negative train of thoughts early on
-a "newer", "fresher" point of view on any given situation
-rediscovery of the beauty in the world, like a kids state of mind
-better focus, more motivation
-a feeling of coherence within my being

I don't think you have much to lose by trying it out, except a few grams. So there you go, i wish you the best.

I've bern managing my depression with DMT ayahuasca vine leaf and mushrooms for almost 11 years now . Ssri's are a disaster . It's the collective therapeutic use of these things in combination with a stable home life diet
excercise & intention.
Staying proactive during moods dips etc.
Having creative projects that you can really get behind with passion is also good

First of all Null, you should be proud of yourself. I have a friend who was raped as a teenager and still in her 40's she deals with anxiety and stress and is unable to work etc.

I don't have advice for you. I am not in your shoes. You likely know better than anyone else what is going to be best for yourself.

I can say that for myself, personally, the best thing for me has been to stop trying to search for something...I spent 30 years of my life trying to find something, but it never was anything that can be found. It was never lost or hidden. It was just life. Life just is. It's always been right here. For whatever reason I take comfort in that.

I have been depressed in my life on and off, and dealt with pretty bad anxiety since childhood that has made creating real social connections in the past difficult and left me feeling alone and isolated for long periods of time. I am thankful however for all the time I have spent with myself.

Yes psychedelics have helped me in so many facets of my life, and continue to. What for me has really brought that to a whole new level though, is living a life more balanced in general, with yoga and meditation as daily events. It has been essential for me in maintaining some level of the experience as both an inward and outward expression. While perfection is not something I am concerned with, I do want to become a more compassionate, grounded and warm person in this life. Charity, and the act of giving I think are some of the highest human ideals. I do know some people who give everything for others, literally living in cars at times etc while neglecting they're own well being. I do not see this as grounded in life, which I feel is essential for myself. There must be balance, and I will admit that I am no one to be teaching balance to others atm. I always have gotten from your writings here however, that you have realized some kind of deep longing for something else. I think this is something many mystics experience, and it is a blessing, but can also seem at times like a curse. Perhaps that longing is just for life itself, unmitigated and unbound from prescription and logic. Logic is imperative, but it is not necessarily empirical. The longing remains.

When I began making a real effort to experience myself in this way, while for the first time really letting go of whatever ideas or agendas I was holding onto, things slowly began to just fall into place. I find that more and more I can follow gut feelings rather than get stuck in the endless narratives the mind generates about everything. I am only really glimpsing it but that gap becomes wider and wider, and I realize that under everything, at the core, is nothing. love, is not like hate, or fear or anger. the kind of love I am talking about is not born from triggers. It is not a response to anything, but intrinsic to the nothing itself. I don't know the why, or the how.

I found new friends..like really great real friends who I can share these things with.

I started going to meditations at a buddhist temple with my gf, and kundalini yoga classes on weekend mornings etc and reading old esoteric literature. I find that lifes struggles are nothing new to humanity, and it's a common theme throughout the mystical traditions. Rumi can be your best friend through hard times.

Now, DMT is like something else altogether. Mushrooms and LSD are just fantastic. Ecstatic dance, yoga, meditation, psychedelics..these things all work complimentary for myself. Perhaps if you don't already have any of these as a daily practice they might help you.

I met an old alchemist recently(literally he spent years in france studying with old french alchemists after he left his life as a chemical engineer) who lost everything at one point and had to flea the country with almost nothing for reasons I wont go into here. I can see a hint of wisdom is these types of people who have really seen some shit in this life and hit rock bottom, and at this point I want to spend time and learn from these types of people. It's a rare thing when people show up like that. Life is not easy, and god knows a teacher to just help push us off the right cliff or two helps

You can find, within many old esoteric traditions, pretty complete systems of diet and nutrition as well that support the whole body/mind/spirit complex.

Best of luck, Null!

<3

I think travsha's posts are spot on, as usual. Several sessions with Mescalito would be my first recommendation.

And then try regular doses of harmine.

My friend, I feel you, I used to have some very toxic thoughts towards myself, as well as those of suicidal thoughts, what you said resonated with me . It is possible to clear these things, it just takes a lot of work which many of us aren't really willing to do because we're still holding onto our identity.

I've found the best thing to treat depression is lifestyle choices. Happiness is a lifestyle, you've got to create a lifestyle which evokes a long lasting happiness. You see, many of us get addicted to the highs and lows of life, and all the drama in-between. We ignore the fact that if we get high, then we will have a low. This is simply the truth to life, that all things have their opposite. So those whom choose to go out on a weekend and get loaded, can only expect to then feel completely drained for the next few days after it, its just people with depression tend to fixate on the lows a lot more than those without it.

So what do we do to go beyond the highs and lows? I'd say lifestyle choices. Creating a lifestyle of non-attachment. Ultimately attaining that through things such as yoga, meditation etc. Healthy eating is essential, as they say, you are what you eat, and also exercise. I've noticed many people with depression are just extremely sensitive to their surroundings, so they pick up on a lot of the negative consciousness that humanity shares because they haven't learnt to direct their awareness to a more positive outlook.

An example of being effected by this sensitivity could be eating produce such as caged chickens which have been pumped up with hormones, if everything is energy and therefore a vibration, the chicken is of a low vibration because of the torturous life and death it experienced, you then induce that vibration, it becomes part of you (because we're all one ) and so you begin to feel like that chicken you ate, not happy Jan are we hehe.

Also I recommend just having little reminders around you, such as if you have Facebook, follow pages of inspiration which post quotes from enlightened masters who point to truth, over time, they begin to sink in as they evoke the thing in you which isn't depressed. Just create a life where you're constantly reminded of TRUTH rather than the superficial qualities of reality which we can take as absolute reality.

Remind yourself to take the path of least resistance, just honour yourself in every moment, and Trust yourself and be your highest truth, its quite simple really, its just a lot of us don't want to drop our identity and belief systems because we're afraid of losing everything we have, its totally irrational but its just the human condition that we're all a part of.

I also find personally, sometimes its best to just go "Fuck you know what, I am flawed, I am angry, I am afraid." Just be totally honest with yourself, be honest with where you are in your own journey, HONOUR YOUR INCARNATION! If you're angry in that moment, then fuck bro, just be honest with yourself and admit thats where you're at in the moment. I think total honesty with yourself is the key for psychological development, with healthy lifestyle changes. Just be totally honest with yourself in every moment, follow the path of least resistance, and honour your incarnation.

Blessings brother, this too shall pass, my love ~~MC~~

P.S. I forgot to talk about tryptamines, I think they're a great way to break those negative thought patterns, but they're also playing a game with your consciousness, I used them to get me out of depression (they ultimately made me make the huge lifestyle changes necessary), but recognised that this was a life or death game I was going into, I was either going to become free from the depressions of life, or I was going to kill myself through entering the deepest and darkest parts of my psyche through psychedelics and getting caught in the dark. Maybe theres a safer option, but psychedelics, especially Ayahuasca, are the quickest way to clear our karma.

I knew I'd receive nothing but rational, intelligent, and compassionate advice from y'all.

I cannot but resonate with all the thoughts given so far, they are all sound words. I will come back to address some, I'm still digesting all this for now.

I'd like to say a couple things tho, for one, pharmaceutical meds are absolutely out of the question. I believe them to be killers as well, of souls, of intellects, of love and of life. However, a pharmacological approach using plant medicines has proven effective. It was 5 meo DMT that put me on this path and my allies since have been acacia, psilocybin, cannabis and kratom. I am planning to work with unenhanced salvia leaf in the near future, reflecting travsha's (always good) advice, it has lifted my mood in the past in a way that felt completely detached from the harrowing trip I had on it.

As for some of the other things, mescaline also heavily interests me and seems to be on a slowly intersecting path with my life, I may attend a ceremony this spring. Many friends have related amazing results from it.

As far as there not being a magic pill, oh yes, of that I'm aware. It's been a LOT of work to get here. I've just been helped along the way and that's why I call these things my allies.

Thank you all, from my heart, I love you all and this whole amazing one of a kind community, and I'm so grateful to be accepted here. Couldn't do any of this without YOU!

I didn't suffer from depression, but I had intense existential nihilism during my early uni days before I took psychs. I would get suicidal thoughts, but not from sadness. It was just "what's the point? We're all gonna die anyway. Might as well ease a load off the planet". I've seen some really fucked up shit as a youth. I witnessed executions in front of my eyes, straight up murder and being present in a bomb blast. This definitely had an impact on me.

After I started taking psychs (ganja at age 17, LSD and mushrooms age 18 ), I completely relinquished those feelings. I used to be a misanthrope in high school. I hated humanity as a whole, but not individuals. I saw humans as a parasite of the earth. If someone were to give me a remote and said "if you press this button, all of humanity will be wiped out", I would have pressed it in a heartbeat. "Humans are undeserving". After psychs, I realised that all the problems in the world are started by humans, and they need to be fixed by them. What's the point in jumping a sinking ship? Why not work hard to plug all the holes and set sail again?

I changed my entire lifes attitude in a matter of days. I love all of humanity for the same reason that I used to hate them. They are killing themselves slowly, and I want to help. That set me on a path of love, compassion, empathy and altruism.

The best way to cope with any mental problems is to give your life purpose. I implement kaizen in my daily life. I use it for everything, great or small. It constantly reminds me of my purpose, and why I should never give up.

I don't know if my little life story was helpful, but it represents something that we all face at some point.


I highly recommend watching this video. Stress and depression are both endocrine disorders.


https://www.ted.com/talk..._your_friend?language=en

First of all, I just wanted to say that truly, you have made it man. I don't know the exact details of your whole story, and I am sure you are already sufficiently aware, but overcoming that sort of traumatic experience and 20 years of heroin addiction and getting to where you are at now, is an incredible feat. Sometimes it is easy to sell yourself short, even on great accomplishments you have made and acknowledge.

While I have never had any sort of trauma close to what you experienced, I too have been unbelievably depressed for as long as I can remember. I was always the "black sheep" of not only my family, but my entire network of peers as well. Growing up, I was isolated. My parents were very emotionally (and very occasionally physically) abusive. They both had/have addiction problems. My little brothers were the complete opposite of me, and frequently made fun of me and isolated me further. I tried desperately to make friends throughout elementary and middle school but for some reason, I just couldn't connect with anybody. I would spend my days isolated in my room, wondering what was so wrong with me. What was I not getting? Why did nobody like me, not even my own brothers?

In 3rd grade, I was put on stimulant medication for "ADD". It wasn't working too well (maybe I just had other things on my mind in 3rd grade besides multiplication!) so they kept upping the doses. Then, because I started having sleep problems from the overstimulation, switched me to an antidepressant based one (can't remember the name). Over the period of 3 years, I gradually became suicidally depressed. By 6th grade, I had an entire plan worked out in my head, and much like you describe, would fantasize about doing it, to end the perpetual bummer that was my life. Much like you describe, it was a sort of emotional catharsis; it was comforting to know that I wasn't just stuck, there was an emergency ejection seat.

My depression wasn't this sharp, intensely emotional pain that some people describe. It was more apathetic than anything. NOTHING gave me pleasure anymore, I was devoid of emotion. All of my emotion had run away, partially due to the meds, partially due to the fact that my emotions had just been crushed so many times. I almost feel like it was a defense mechanism. I feel that while my case is less severe than your incredible trauma, our depressions could possibly be parallel in this sort of causation. Music helped a lot, for sure, but I had nothing I enjoyed or looked forward to. Over time, this apathy grew and grew exponentially. Every day it became harder and harder to motivate myself to do ANYTHING. I didn't get satisfaction from anything, what was the point?

Around this time, I told my parents how depressed I was, and was put back on the stimulants, started going to psychologists and therapists.

---

By freshman year of high school, I was well versed with weed, and had the chance to try mushrooms. It was a dark experience. It made me realize with crystalline clarity that these drugs were destroying my life. Within a week, I was starting to taper off the meds. Unfortunately, there was a lot more depression (and UNREAL anxiety) while my brain tried to sort itself out, for roughly 2 years.

Weed was always an ally, and it helped out a lot over this period of time. However, it was clear that it was just a crutch. But hey, a pretty benign crutch at that....

Sophomore year, after a few more sessions with mushrooms and also salvia, I had the opportunity to do some LSD. This was the game changer.

Within an hour after dosing, I was in complete and total awe. For the first time since early childhood, things looked BEAUTIFUL. It was a beauty that I had forgotten existed; all of the beauty in my life had been sapped out of me and replaced by a desire to just sleep forever. Truly, as cliche as it sounds, I WOKE UP. I actually could not believe how incredible everything was, and realized it had always been this way, if only I looked at it through these lenses. I worked out almost all of my major life problems in 6 hours flat.

The important part of the experience was mainly two-fold, in terms of helping my depression. First, they gave me a new way to look at why I am the way that I am. I saw that I had trouble making friends because I was not very socially adept, I didn't talk very much, and I didn't really have much in common with the people I was trying to hang out with. I realized that there was nothing wrong with me; it was just the way things were. I realized my brothers were bullies for much the same reason I had such low self confidence; emotional abuse from my parents. And I began to realize that this was nothing personal on us kids, it was baggage they had been carrying around because of their own rough childhoods and personal addiction problems. It was so liberating.

But I really believe that the most important quality this tryptamine experience had on my depression was just the raw beauty of it. I saw things as if I was seeing them for the first time. Even now, with a whooooole bunch of LSD and other psychedelic experiences, the beauty remains. It isn't as "magical" as it was the first time, every time, but it never fails to help me see things in a more positive light. Every single time, acid reminds me of important truths that the non-tripping self neglects, and I am always better for it. Sometimes it is tough love, but a lot of the time it is just a reminder how fortunate I am to be alive right now. To see the intrinsic beauty in almost everything.

Trying to adopt this mindset was CRUCIAL in building a better life for myself. I started to have goals again. I started making like-minded friends.

Everybody has negative forces in their life. I don't believe this to necessarily be a bad thing; if there weren't negative forces in our life, how could we appreciate the positive? However, I think it is all too easy to fixate on the PROBLEMS we have in our life instead of focus on the good. Back in our caveman days, this was probably an evolutionary mechanism to keep us from starving to death. But we have come a long way since then! I try to take AT LEAST 10 minutes a day, at the end of the day, to eat delicious food of some sort, and write down in a journal everything that makes my life awesome. On bad days, everything that I would be heartbroken to lose.

I still struggle with depression, although it is much, much, MUCH more manageable nowadays. I believe it to be due to poor lifestyle habits, that fluctuate, and also there is definitely something wrong with my brain. Sometimes I still don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, I just want to do nothing. And there is the guilt. The key for me is realizing that life is still beautiful. And maybe try keeping a journal writing down lifestyle habits/life events that are going on. Sometimes, it will help point you on what your triggers are.




Now, ketamine has been incredibly beneficial to me when I have had the opportunity to use it. However, your past of opiate addiction scares me and I could see someone in your shoes becoming addicted to it. The problem with ketamine treatment for depression is that the effects only last two weeks tops, usually. You have to keep using it. I'm not going to give you advice on whether or not it is right for you, but it is something to be VERY careful with in a position like yours.

You mention trauma, and there is a rapidly growing body of evidence that MDMA can help treat PTSD pretty effectively. I don't know if you are familiar with this chemical, but I could definitely see it being of some use to you, especially if you take it with some intention to work out that particular trauma.


And when the going gets rough,

just listen to this song Throbbing Gristle - Hamburger Lady

And google pictures of severe burn patients.

And remember that compared to these people, you probably have it pretty well off. It could always be worse.


With MUCH LOVE

Youre doing great null, to be here now is actually a remarkable achievement after all you have been through. Ive used a number of different entheogens to remedy and/or reduce depression. Whereas DMT LSD and Cacti worked I found them short lasting. Ketamine is excellent for it but bad for the body and could also be habit forming whereas a crude extract of syrian rue was great, easy to prepare cheap and easy to obtain and was very effective. It was a freebase extract that I smoked in a bong.
Like others have said cannabis is a delicate balance and can easily tip me into a depression either by biochemical ways or simply having too deep and constant thought processes.
My freind is also chronically depressed I am going to introduce him to mushrooms once he has tapered off the ssri I've read many good reports of them helping. I will start him on half a gram maybe followed by a spliff or two of passionflower if things get a bit rough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKGuSqIionA

If you plan on using salvia, I would suggest the traditional method of holding a bunch of plain leaves in your mouth and chewing. An intense trip through salvia-hypospace might not be as beneficial for depression as a gentler version of the experience.

That was my plan, but thanks. My line of thinking is the same, I actually have on hand a whole bunch of pretty spice, freshly extracted, but I'm reluctant to smoke it right now.

That was my plan, but thanks. My line of thinking is the same, I actually have on hand a whole bunch of pretty spice, freshly extracted, but I'm reluctant to smoke it right now for the same reasons,

Damn... Perfectly said, sir. That's good stuff.