Hello all, my first post here and I hope it is in the right place...
Background: I am a highly visual person in life, an artist and jeweller. I have a strong connection to plants and animals, and have always felt more at home in the world of nature than the man-made monstrosity humans have created. I have lucid dreamed on and off for many years and experimented with drugs and hallucinogens infrequently for the past 10 years or so. Four years ago my father died, who was an exceptional being with whom I have an incredible connection… this loss affects my life and my being massively.
I took DMT for the first time a couple of days ago. Obviously nothing I have ever experienced in my life can compare to this, my perception of reality has been altered … in an indescribable way. I am amazingly happy but equally scared and overwhelmed. I am forever humbled.
I took DMT with a sitter who had tried the DMT we were about to use three times previously, with success. I have no idea of the tech used as we bought it in capsules – I ingested around 35 micrograms jungle spice using a large bong. We used ash to protect the spice - as I am an experienced bong smoker and my sitter had advised me to do it all in one big hit, I did so. Immediately I saw the room around me dissolve into pattern and colour, I closed my eyes and lay back.
I can only pinpoint what happened to me next by ‘remembering with my being’ – I had no concept of what was going on at the time as this was completely different to anything I have ever known. I was instantly being uplifted through everything and nothing, I had no body, my consciousness existed and was engulfed by colour, and a billion grids of moving pictures and images flowed through me and were me. I heard and felt noises of every description, voices, singing and a lot of laughing, eyes all around me and inside me. I was being breathed as if my conscious was the air inside a huge and powerful set of lungs, which were made of everything in the universe. Everything felt clearly defined; hard and bright and clean and cold – like someone dousing your mind with menthol.
I was being merged into the colourful grids and lights and yet nothingness at the same time. I could feel that I was being played with by an entity (it was not a formed ‘body’ or image that I could see or touch but an overall being which could think inside me, communicate in a way above words or language, and was me but was so much bigger than I could ever be).
This entity was laughing with cheekiness, and the knowledge of its own power and the experience it was giving me. It was ecstatic with the glee of knowing that it was showing me for the first time a millionth of what it could do. It was everything and it found it very funny that it was already blowing my mind by dissolving my existence into its existence. This was so frightening and awe-inspiring, as it held me in its palm it could do anything to me, I was at its complete mercy and so scared yet I loved every moment and wanted it all forever.
Everything was jerky and my mind was yawned into and smiled outwards so that I was engulfed, opened up into all of the colour, lights, eyes, symbols, faces and images around me. It was far beyond what I can describe with mere human words.
This rush of everything through and into me while the entity played and laughed and revelled in me seemed to happen faster, louder, more intensely. I existed in every dimension, expanding suddenly and extremely frighteningly, whilst also at the same time being incredibly sexual – I felt all the energy build up inside and all around me and had the most intense orgasm of the mind and the body that I have ever had, it was like nothing else! It was completely outside my control and was happening both mentally and physically, in two different realms at the same time. However it was too much for me to handle, I opened my eyes and suddenly I was lost, I realised I had a body, that I was me, I was in a 3D room but I was also there.
I became extremely and acutely aware that I was lying on the floor and that my sitter could see me, I was embarrassed at my orgasm and thought I must have wet myself on his floor. This freaked me out greatly – I wanted it all to stop, I didn’t understand what was happening to me – all these thoughts happened at once and at the same time I could feel a huge cord of existence stretching out from inside me and shooting off straight into the walls. It felt like my life force – orgasm, urine, blood was pouring out from inside me, as I moved I could see the cord moving it and splattering across the walls/ceiling – which I realised was terrible and had to stop. I became aware I was kneeling up; shouting, confused and upset (my sitter broke their silence to calm me and assure me that I was OK and it would pass – I don’t remember him speaking at all). I curled like a foetus on the ground, hugging my knees and once I started to breathe and felt that I had my body was back and I was me, relief flooded through me.
I looked around me and realised the incredible beauty which surrounded me. I could see the walls, furniture etc. but transposed over the top were layers and layers of beautiful swirling rainbow smoke, mutating and moving, ebbing and flowing. The layers stretched out to infinity with me at the centre of this beautiful and mesmerising moment – as I breathed in and out I could breathe this ‘life-force’ in and out, I could move it with my hands, feel it touch my inner being in an inexplicable way. I felt the universe talk to me in the images I could see; skulls and death, my life, a billion mirrors of my face and my father’s face. I was watching all my feelings and memories all happening at once.
I knew my Father’s presence, beside me and inside me, giving me the ultimate assurance that everything I felt about him was ok, but that this was the truth – he is everything and everywhere because we all are, and life was enveloping me in this realisation to help me, to give me understanding, to make me happy and at peace with life and death and myself.
The visuals and this feeling of communication slowly dissipated leaving me with a beautiful serenity, a giddy excited happiness that I was alive, a weight of guilt lifted from me, an enormous amount of love for my sitter and an intrinsic knowledge that my life would never be the same again.
Having had this experience I am transformed. I will definitely take DMT again when I feel ready and have done more research and contemplation on what has happened. I feel so respectful of whatever this is… and unbelievably grateful and thankful of the personal message it gave me. We are so beyond lucky to be able to experience this, whatever it may be. I have so many questions! Both regarding this trip and the much wider implications this has on ‘reality’.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, any thoughts you may have on my experience would be most gratefully received.
My questions in outline are:
1. I did not hear the barrier wave or reach some ‘other side’ where I had control of my consciousness. Did I basically inhale way too much too quickly? Or did the entity that is everything in some way eject me from hyperspace?
2. Has anyone experienced a physical orgasm whilst travelling as I described?! Looking back I think because this happened to me I opened my eyes… this pulled me some way out of hyperspace?
How glad I am to have found this forum, a place to discuss something for which there are no words. The fact that DMT Nexus exists makes me feel right, and I am so grateful to get the chance to learn from you. I am now a part of something much bigger than myself. So thank you all.
'even as the strings of the lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music'