This trip was undertaken with a pleading for healing from me to the Cactus spirit. I have been struggling with the physical effects of a short but damaging Ketamine addiction that ended about 14 months ago. Although it is better than it was right after quitting I would not say my bladder has returned to a level of living I feel is manageable. Details of the addiction are in this thread Your Honest Feelings Regarding Ketamine

At this point I was coming to a really dark place as all my efforts to change diet and lifestyle to accommodate healing were not seeming to amount to much change. Some will say I should look into medical options but this is something I really want to avoid as when I spoke with a doctor he warned me that the drugs provided for this condition have SEVERE side effects [loss of hair, constant nausea, hard on kidneys/liver, cognitive changes including decline of brain function!] I have the body as a temple attitude after all this and I don't want to poison it in order to just mask my symptoms.

When I first was recovering from the addiction I was using classical psychs like LSD, mushrooms, DMT pretty often [weekly or biweekly] They were helping me recover mentally and seemed to be engaging some healing. But I was still using them for fun or to escape mostly. A stupid accident 6 months ago where I drank a quantity of lemon juice for a Mushroom Lemon Tek and Cactus Tea burnt my bladder just as bad as if I would have tried Ketamine again.

After this incident I found myself unable to enjoy tripping as I became super conscious of the bodily damage I had incurred upon myself and my trips would spin out into self-loathing for having injured myself with the addiction and lemon juice mistake.

So for a few months I took a break from tripping and even pot, mostly to see if these drugs were slowing the healing process for me. I ended up tripping on Mescaline, then LSD, then a threshold dose of mushrooms at a 3 day festival in July and while my bladder still annoyed me I only had one small misstep where I spun out into a bad trip and then fully recovered. I blamed this on the distractions of a festival and their way of making a trip less about self consciousness and more about "out there."

So, being burnt out from that festival tripping and fed up with my bladder, I took a 2 month break from all drugs. No mind altering vitamins, uppers, downers, psychs, nothing. This break taught me some things and helped me catch up on hobbies and life-stuff that I had been missing out on. But, something felt like it was missing, I began to have thoughts and feelings that the entheogenic path was my path and I had somehow gone astray and got lost in a path that was not my own. I began to get a bit of ego about hyper health consciousness and my lack of substance use. I tried to think that "I nor anyone needs them, When you get the message hang up the phone....etc."

But deep inside I knew I was missing out on a big part of my life. I also was becoming more anxious, irritable, and even angry. Turning into a person I didn't want to be. And in all of this my bladder seemed like it was getting WORSE from abstaining from entheogens and more relaxing drugs. I began to think that a large part of this condition was psychosomatic and that I should take atleast one more trip to test that theory.

THE TRIP

I got 2 feet of frozen achuma from my girlfriend and brewed tea. I woke up at 6am, made a playlist on my iPod, and slugged it. I performed a mental backflip meditation as described by Hyperspace Fool and got some distance and control over my mind. I asked the cactus for healing rather than, "To be able to have fun again." like my earlier failed trips. Intentions made a difference it seemed.

At around the 30 minute mark I puked up the tea. I was pissed....I debated dropping LSD to strengthen the trip, but came to the conclusion that would be hedonistic and I should take what it gave me. Good thing I didn't drop L I began tripping very hard shortly after throwing up.[had empty stomach and fasted for 12 hours so I likely absorbed a good bit of it]

I tripped under my blankets with ambient music and began to see some of the visuals of cactus. Since they were better in the dark I vowed to take cactus at night next time. They reminded me of Aztec imagery and architecture and Mexican Blanket patterns. My bladder was constantly coming back into mind but I ended up riding the wave and telling myself it would be OK while constantly begging Mescalito spirit for healing. As the visions started to get REALLY intense I almost felt like I was going to breakthrough. My bladder went into alert from the impending bodyload and I knew I had to change settings.

When I came out of under the covers the visuals I was having were plastered around the room and were undulating and changing, though they quickly faded. I ran out back of my house into a wooded field and watched the Sun and clouds. Messages about my life and the healing path came to me in packets and made intrinsic sense once I realized them.

Related to the best of my ability...

I needed to believe in my own healing power and the healing power of the earth's medicines. I needed to choose to be healthy; not just be miserable but hoping for some recovery in the future. Taking these medicines with respect and intent for healing will give one what one needs. They will not give you a miracle quick fix, but rather, will give you the energy and will to heal. The humility the medicine bring will get the self out of the way and invite self-healing. I could either, give up and live a half-life kept afloat by western medicine, or, I could go all the way and dissolve the ego, intend to change reality, allow spirit to overcome matter in order to heal. DMT provides the most energy for physical healing and the greatest power to overcome psychosomatic ills. You are in a bind where you must dissolve the ego and dive into entheogens headfirst in order to heal yourself.

Before the trip when meditating I begged the spirit for help and said I would follow whatever insights it begot upon me. I was ready to quit entheogens for good, seek medical help, be ready to live with the condition for life, all that sad giving up stuff.

The answer I most feared was the one I got, that this healing was up to me and could be done with the dissolving of the ego and communing with higher energies. A part of me was deeply resisting the entheogens maybe even because my ego is holding onto the self-image as a sufferer of this condition, and deep-down my ego knows that entheogen use will loosen the grip this condition has on my life, and hence, the grip the ego has on my life.

Looks like I am back in the game and in it for the long haul. I got some serious work to do, but I feel more alive than I have felt in a LONG TIME. I feel empowered and loved by the universe.

Today [trip was yesterday]my bladder feels ALOT better than it did before the trip. Not recovered fully by any means, but much more livable than it was. An honest intention for healing and openness to any message seemed to work out.

Back on the path and happy to be there.

:3

we love you~!

you have the answers and are ready

spread light

These are the stories I love to read. You are a strong person. So glad to hear that cactus was able to help you in anyway; It really is a great healer (my preferred). I have heard other stories about ketamine being a tough addiction and you overcame it. I can only imagine how nasty of an addiction it might be. Plus the urinary problems it causes after repeated abuse and use.

Proud of you for blazing a path into the clarity of the mind with the sacred cactus at your side.

Only love from this direction.