I've been stalking the forums here and the introduction section. It seems I got here a bit differently than most which is a good thing as my method is usually a one way trip. (pun intended)

One thing I do share in common with many here, is that I was a avid user of drugs until it all turned poisonous and dark full of negative energy and hopeless addiction. I was no stranger to trying to elevate consciousness but I had no concept of ways to do that non-destructively for many years. Long story short, my addiction spiraled to the very bottom. I was mixing lethal cocktails of sedative hypnotics and stimulants on a nightly basis. The last night of my life was Aug 31st, 2009. I wasn't really -trying- to kill myself, I had just reached such a dark place that I was ambivalent about whether I lived or died. I had come across a great deal of both drugs and decided to try to take myself farther and I did, I "broke through" completely. Utterly. The stimulants I took had a very odd effect of keeping me conscious right up until the moment of death. It is impossible for me to articulate with words the feeling of terror when you can feel your spirit lifting away from your body. Many have described unspeakable terror in some of their journeys, I'd say times that by a 100 to 1000. I have no words. I had dialed up 911 just a few moments earlier because I knew I had gone too far.

What happened next, well, I can't tell you for certain actually even happened. None of the chemicals I was mixing were particularly hallucinogenic though so that is what even brought me to this place. The sedative hypnotics I overdosed on are profound amnesiacs so technically, I shouldn't have remembered anything at 40X the recommended dose. But I did... I felt that terror and coldness, I had overdosed. What came next, again, hallucination, maybe? For me, it doesn't really matter because it was the most profound spiritual experience I have ever had. I was in a place I can only describe as brilliant. White or bright are such weak words to use, but it more like the radiance of 1000 suns all at once. And in contrast to the utter terror I had been in a moment before my breathing stopped, I had the most overwhelming sense of peace and calm I had ever experienced. The irony of my story is, I had spent years chasing euphoria through chemicals and had felt in the past what I thought to be "closer to heaven" with chemical cocktails. Compared to what happened to me that night, those seem like a raindrop as compared to an ocean. If you can imagine that all at once everything is just "right" in all places and all times, even outside of time itself. I was "myself" my consciousness but also connected to everything else too that ever is, was, or will be. Yes, it was THAT profound. I never wanted to leave, why would you?

Then a presence there, my father who had just died not 90 days prior. I experienced him more I think, as a "face" that an entity knew I was tied with and still grieving over. Two words, "not yet". And just like that... I was gone from that place. As I was told much later the next day, the EMTs had resuscitated my lifeless body and restored my heartbeat.

That was the last day I ever mixed drugs as a hobby, over 3 years ago. But that feeling, that place... I craved it greatly and intensely. When you had been where I had been and seen what I'd seen, all this, the rest of it was like a joke to me. I remember feeling a little resentful that I was "brought back" and for a while I really just contemplated purposefully ending myself because when you have had an experience 100,000 times beyond anything you could ever know. What then, is left to do here? I started doing research about other people who had had near death experiences and eventually all that led me here.

Another odd side effect of that night was that my dreaming, which was always vivid, became lucid in the past few years. It doesn't always happen but it happens QUITE frequently and I started reading on that as well. I was conscious of my dream state initially, and then I found I could change it in real time instead of just being a passive observer. I actively worked at this and I am at the point now where I can manipulate the dream world many times. I read some methods on lucid dreaming sites about how to do this that were QUITE effective, I can change things, not always exactly as I want them but I am aware I'm there and manipulating it. I also get that sensation that many people describe here on DMT of "oh yes, I remember this one now...". I go to the same places many times, I forget them while waking but they are recurring over many years and I always have an old familiar feeling when I'm back.

I've seen people say that DMT is not 100% linked to Near Death Experience or Dreaming, but there is some anecdotal and empirical evidence I'm seeing that certainly appear to show some links.

I seek that contact outside of self in a way that doesn't require me to physically lose connection in a MOST permanent way. My ability to lucid dream frequently makes me think DMT could be a reconnect gateway of sorts.

Welcome to the forum.
You didn't really care if you lived or died, Not to get personal...
So what urged you to call 911? fear?
What drove you to this point of making and taking these chem cocktails?

Welcome to the Nexus AstralFlyer. Your introduction essay sounds very similar to mine https://www.dmt-nexus.me...m=394027&#post394027

I have learned so much through dmt and the amazing people in this forum. I encourage you to keep keeping on. Dmt has helped me breakthrough my old destructive patterns. I can't put into words what it has helped me to work through, but it's been a miracle for me.

[]Deace

AstralFlyer,

Welcome to the Nexus. Thank you for sharing your intense story with us. I'm so glad you survived that harrowing experience.

I wonder if Nexus member Dan will see this - although his story involved an IED in Iraq rather than drug OD, I feel his story is very similar to yours.

I, too enjoy lucid dreaming. Ironically, my DMT tripping skillset allowed me to identify my first lucid dream

Again, a very warm welcome.

Wow, quite the scary experience but thanks so much for sharing AstralFlyer, I value your honesty and am glad you made it through!

What then is left to do indeed...

I've been feeling this exact sentiment after my first few trips with the DMT, to where it is really starting to permeate my life. A totally new paradigm shift I wasn't expecting and had me quite apathetic and depressed for awhile.

What I'm finding is that after the initial apathy and depression had passed, I'm starting to see life as saturated with possibilty. The barriers that kept me from reaching out to others, kept me from forgiving and from loving, seem to be naturally falling away. At some point I was feeling that since I'm alive at this point, and coming from a place where my life doesn't seem to matter one way or the other, I might as well do the things I've always wanted to do and see what happens. Namely the things that I know will be good for me and for my happiness, but where before I was giving into fear, anger, and anxiety (though wasn't even really aware of this) and so would never do them.

So for me the question of what is left to do? is turning into something wonderfully profound. I'm wondering what is not left to do in this life... with openess, love, and forgiveness as my allies it almost seems possible to bring that unexplicable joy of peace/oneness into this utterly perplexing waking dream I call life.

Thanks again for sharing, be well and be safe.

Damn... thanks for the replies and the email (you know who you are)!!

I can relate to the stories of addiction so much, and as for what brought me to press 3 buttons on my mobile phone, it is interesting. I was "ambivalent" like many people are who have never been at Death's Door, literally. We just think we don't care until that icy hand comes and touches us. Again, I FELT the life slipping out of me, I could no longer control my respiration. All Eastern Philosophies agree on one thing, control your Breath. Breath (Air) is life. I couldn't anymore. It was stopping and I felt myself slipping away. I had just enough left in this world for 911, I never locked my door. (Thankfully). My respiration ceased not soon after but thankfully, they arrived quick enough or perhaps as I said, not thankfully? Maybe that was my time to rejoin the Great Unknown. I feel that something like DMT only reveals a "few" other layers of the Celestial Onion. Don't think I'm being stupid. It could be 10, 100, 1000, a billion layers deep. If you are an enlightened mind, you understand what I mean. My experience, I feel, was in the deepest layer, but it requires death, which is NOT ideal. I think we can experience an amazing amount of layers in DMT without having to expire this biological form we are cursed/blessed with.

I also had a near death experience, but from what you describe i think you´ve been further than i have been (a deeper layer, as you call it). My experience hasn´t cured me from the fear of dying though. The fear for that icy hand, as you call it, is something that´s just part of being alive. I look at it like this: it´s like we have to crawl through something as small as the eye of a needle. And everything we´ve come to identify ourselves with, doesn´t fit through that thing. And as long as we´re in this body, we won´t fit through it and we will fear having to go through something that small.

In my view, DMT has something in common with a near death experience but it is hard to exactly put my finger on it. It is the emotional vibe, i guess. In another thread (also in the open discussion section) i called it a light sort of seriousness. I don´t think i can expres it any better than that. I think you will find the DMT (in every form) as well as the iboga experience very interesting.

DMT will also show you that being alive is a definite blessing and not a curse. Maybe all of what you experienced was meant to be. Who knows? Maybe there is a part of you that has deliberately kept you from locking your door because it knew that you´ve still got stuff to do here on earth.