I want to hit a few high-points herein that have come to define who I am at this juncture of my life, as well as briefly comment on my future trajectory.
My dad is an alcoholic. I saw him struggle through most of my childhood - saw him steal money from my mom, lose multiple jobs, stash bottles all over the house, get a couple DUIs, wreck 3 cars, go through various rehabs, deny being drunk when he could barely walk or speak (among other things). Things have improve immensely since then. He still snags an occasional drink should the chance arise, but he functions normally now. Seeing my mom hold the family together through those years really just blows my mind when I stop and think about it.
My dad really started to improve when I was 19/20 years old and away at college (I'm currently 22 and a senior).
During my freshman year of college the family really seemed to fracture; the relationship between my two younger brothers (1.5 and 4 years younger than me) suffered. The older of the two was drinking and smoking (mj and cigs) and just being your typical teenager. I had always been pretty focused on school, and, in the wake of all my dad's problems, had maintained a clean life as far as substances go. I didn't really approve of his lifestyle, but I acted like I didn't know what he was up to.
Again, things drastically improved in this realm of my life during the end of my sophomore year. I was introduced to mj for the first time, and had used it approximately ten times when I mentioned to the older of my brothers and one of our close mutual friends the idea that we should all get high sometime (this occurred during the first time me and my brother drank together). (I forgot to mention I also started drinking soon after starting mj use.) I should also mention that my youngest brother had also tried mj independently with one of his friends, so he knew of our use and didn't disapprove. Though, he only partook on exceedingly rare occasions and has always proven to be the most 'responsible' drug user of us all.
The summer after my sophomore year is what I like to term the summer of love. The oldest of my two brothers and I began spending a lot of time with one of our old friends from high school who had been a frequent (i.e. daily) user of grass since we had known him back then. We were smoking daily, multiple times. There was a phase where we hardly even ever drove anywhere without hitting a bowl in the car on the way. The novelty of the experience quickly diminished, but I kept using anyway - mainly because of the people I was around, not because I found it difficult to quit.
Anway, during the summer of love, my brother and I went to several parties, and we were always the most gone of anyone there - and I had such an awesome time just being that high and drunk with nothing to worry or care about. Goddamn the nostalgia.
I should also note that I had had an interest in psychedelics since middle school, with the intention of possibly trying LSD once in my life. This is relevant because I started trying to find shrooms toward the end of that summer, but didn't succeed for a couple months. This is also the summer when I first heard about DMT.
So then my junior year began; I was able to quit smoking cold turkey - no problem. When I went home for breaks and the like, my brother would always be stocked up (and if he wasn't, we were always quick to find some), and we'd pick up right where we left off. A bit of the novelty was restored after my time of abstinence at school. I didn't feel like such a dazed waste like I had toward the end of summer. To put things into perspective, it took me 3 or 4 time watching The Big Lebowski that previous summer before I could finally piece together the plot. (Not in spite of this, but rather partly because of it, this film is among my favorites, lol).
Anyway, during the aforementioned 2010-2011 school year my brother was high essentially all the time. My youngest brother said he was high every time they saw each other. He was worried about him, but I reassured him everything would be okay and that it was just a phase that would work itself out (which it did).
Come October 2010 when we finally found shrooms. My brother and I split a little less than a quarter. Couldn't have asked for a more perfect first trip. I can only relate the euphoria during the come-up and peak to opening Christmas presents during childhood. I'll never forget my surprise at my inability to contemplate the day-to-day activities that awaited me back in my life prior to the trip. I would later come to realize that this was my first mild taste of more severe ego death to come.
Since that first shroom experience I've tripped 14 times. Most of these occurred during the summer of 2011 on 2c-e and shrooms (as well as one mild LSD trip in November 2010). I was using psychedelics essentially entirely for recreation at this point; I didn't feel like I had gotten anything significant from the experience, save for some euphoric hilarity, some unusual thoughts, and appealing psychedelic imagery.
I then had my initial significantly-ego shattering experience on bridgesii. This put several things into perspective, illustrating, on a practical level, that this is what I wanted to achieve through psychedelics, and that I would be satisfied for several months after doing so. I found (and still find) losing one's sense of individual identity to be therapeutic and comforting when considering the grand scheme of things.
So several months later I had another milder cactus trip, followed a couple months later by my most intense trip to date (which happened to be on LSD). I still wouldn't say I've experienced complete ego-death, but this was noticeably more severe than even that first cactus trip. I felt like I had dissolved into an abyss. It required great effort to engage my brother (who was trip-sitting, as he doesn't fancy psychedelics too much these days after an unpleasant shroom trip) and re-establish a connection, albeit tenuous, to reality.
Just before the New Year, I engaged in DMT for the fourth time (I opted not to mention the first 3, as they were beautiful, but much less intense). This is the only trip on any substance where I have felt significant anxiety. The issues I alluded to earlier concerning my grades and my relationship with my parents were the focus of my angst. This manifested as fear during the experience, preventing me from fully surrendering to the experience. The time dilation further intensified these feelings, as did the sheer rapidity of the visions.
Looking back on this trip, I have recently decided to abstain from psychedelics at least until I graduate in 2 months, after which point much of the stresses I've been facing will be removed. I plan to break the fast with 5 g of shrooms and hopefully some DMT if I can manage it (after first reacquainting myself with DMT while sober).
As of now I foresee myself tripping every few months in the years to come.
I just had a sudden urge to write this, but I think that sums up what I wanted to address. Sorry some of it is a bit awkward to read; I just wanted to get it down.