Don't read this if you've read it before! It just needed some serious editing

Hey all, I'm new here and I want to apologize if my posts seem self-absorbed. If you’re interested feel free to scroll to the last paragraph for my question.

This is my second attempt at an essay and I know I'm just talking about myself and my problems. I just feel I've got to get help for myself before I can be of any help to anyone else and my hope is that spice can facilitate that self-help process.

My hope is that when I’m better I’ll be able to reach my full potential and have friends like the people on here. This network of people is so dynamic and everyone seems to try to take people’s feelings into consideration. How can becoming part of something like that not improve a persons life?

I've always been pessimistic. Typically I lean towards doubt, the negative side of things. I want to apply spice in a way that will help me wire my brain toward the positive.

So I asked it to. My favorite opinion is that spice is a window to the spirit realm. But because this is hard for me to trust, part of me assumed the reports I had read were just exaggerated projections of the individual writing.

However, the fact I do tend to ask for growth from it shows me how greatly I wanted to believe in the spiritual aspect of spice.

The three experiences I've had with Spice have been like as follows. (Prior to each description is the thing I asked of it.)

I would like to find a form of spirituality that I can hold onto.

1st was a message sent through emotion. It's very hard to remember now and at times it seems clearer but how I remember explaining it to my girlfriend was reassurance that there's a point to life. A strong sense of connectedness and unity, so strong that I now worry it will take more understanding than I currently have for me to completely trust. A slight fear arose afterwards though.

My fear was that this was just a taste of something that will never be clear to me unless I chose growth over hiding which I almost never do. The fear was wholly founded in self-doubt. Doubt and foregone conclusions that maybe all of this was my subconscious telling me something it's always been telling me.

So now that I "knew" my subconscious always wanted the best for me, I believed I was finally able to see how truly capable I was of sabotaging my own best intentions. If that’s how it’s always been that’s how it’ll always be.

I now believe this interpretation was the most negative possible way to see this, and for that reason and only that reason is my way of integration “wrong.”

Knowing my subconscious wants the best for me is a powerful tool when trying to aim for the positive, and I'm trying to realize this now.

I need a reminder of what you told me last time.

2nd was in my opinion at the time a result of that fear. It was 25mg and It had been about a week since my first trip. This was a much louder and very vague feeling. I didn't get any of the positive reassuring messages I got the first time.

It was equivalent in feeling to the look a parent gives a child when they're disappointed in them. I'm fairly convinced that usually when I hear a voice on spice, even though it doesn’t sound like me it is in fact my own. The foreign feeling of my voice is simply the drastic change in the nature of the things I was telling myself.

I mean when I'm gone I criticize myself, but constructively.

So I spoke to myself in response to an incredible weight my body steadily seemed to be gaining. Inner dialogue was as follows: "Feel that? That's your body, something that's meant to be a powerful tool in this life has become a burden to you.” I admitted to my sedentary lifestyle. My voice explained to myself that unless I could feel good about myself, like I'm ready to come back, that I probably shouldn't come back.

Since then I can't meditate in the way I used to be able to. Where it used to be very easy for me to bring my heart rate down with some deep breathing it lately takes all my concentration to find calm. Maybe because the benefits of meditation for me are so noticeable from my normal state.

Because they have always only lasted while I was meditating and could therefore be used to "cheat" my way into feeling I was ready in the way the experienced suggest one should be for a spice trip.

So I tell myself "oh well, guess I’m not doing DMT for a while cause I never feel good about myself."

Once again, I now believe that because I interpreted this trip with negative light, that this interpretation and therefore my process of integration is “wrong.”

I should try to consider feeling good about myself a choice not a destination.

I want to be an optimist.
3rd was the most important thing to happen to me yet. A couple days previous I'd taken MDMA with my girlfriend following a fight we had. This was a really good idea because the lessons of the resolve we came to which were surprisingly constructive, now feel almost concreted in my memory.

My 3rd experience was with 35mg and was hoped to be the "one" that would show me the best method how to basically completely rewire my brain with a positive outlook.

I didn't care how the spice accomplished this nor did I care if it was just me under this influence, doing all the things people tend to credit Spice doing for them.

Results definitely came from my first two experiences no matter how much doubt I had, while usually shed in negative light, self-reflection feels natural for me.

Those negative assumptions about how my other two experiences had affected me. This shattered those assumptions.

My fear that my negativity would always be the one leading the show had been relieved. Once again the effects began with feelings. And the inner dialogue was me talking to myself.
I remember thinking “what would happen if I could experience all this without constantly talking to myself.” So I tried to be quiet and that’s when something weird happened. I had a thought that I couldn’t understand!

The feeling of it was the same one I get when there’s something on the tip of my tongue that’s important. In that instant I lost the connection and said aloud “holy crap, that was NOT me.” Meaning I was not me.

I continued the typical inner dialogue with myself and pretty soon what seemed to be a smaller inner voice than usual whispered “you know you’re only letting yourself talk now, so why not try letting someone elses voice come through.” So I tried very hard to reach out to the thing I felt earlier but my trip was reaching its end.

My interpretation of this was that I met a consciousness that simply did not collaborate well with mine, or that I simply was incapable of letting it in. Maybe I was on the edge of breaking through I duno. In no way had the concept of “Entities” been a part of my meditation, nor did the majority of the trip up until that point seem to apply to the “spirit realm.”
I cannot say that I’m all of a sudden a positive person and I know to think that could be accomplished with a DMT trip is impractical. But I do think that if I can believe that my consciousness can meld with another, things aren’t as black as white as I tend to make them. And that’s a big step in the right direction.

My question is has anyone ever had this problem, the inability to quiet the mind. Could be called ADD/ADHD. Especially while exploring other realms. I feel as though I’m talking to myself so much I’m missing half of it. How did you overcome it?

The inability to quiet the mind is a problem of most of the human race. Using a mantra can help in this regard. When you find your mind start to wander, you can think the mantra in your head to avoid distraction. When the Dalai Lama was asked how to have a mind without racing thoughts in meditation, he replied something of the extent as 'I'm the Dalai Lama, and after a lifetime of practicing meditation, I still have to deal with racing thoughts.' So don't feel too discouraged.

In terms of talking to yourself during the experience, you'll want to try and take a different role in how you approach these experiences. Be the observer, not the analyzer. Analysis is great for right after the experience especially in trying to consolidate it into memory for integration. When you're in the experience, simply watch. Pay attention without thinking. While you're in hyperspace try not to concern yourself with how much you wish it was like a better experience, or what it all means, or what you could be doing right now to enhance the experience. Internal dialogue running is natural, but you can treat it more as mental "sounds" than information to be paid attention to. Also consider meditating for 15 minutes before entering hyperspace. This could help focus and quiet the mind considerably.

I have not

I've been mentally hyperactive since I was a kid, and stepping out of this continuous train of thoughts is not easy.

Global makes lots of sense. You have to find your own tricks... as for me, things that do help:

- I followed an introduction to zen buddhist meditation, and it has been helpful in order to become an observer of thoughts and emotions. Watch them come and go, let them fall at your feet and look at them, recognize them instead of letting them be in charge.

- Breathing is key. To me, it is the most useful place to focus my attention in. Follow your breathing, and when something distracts you out of it and you realize, gently move your attention back to it.

- Reduce external stimuli. Low lights (candles, or darkness) and some sound to cover the humming of your surroundings can be a great help. I play ambient sounds, or slow meditation frequencies. I have this marshland recording mixed with theta waves and I love where it takes me. Find your thing.

And just keep trying, don't force it, and be patient. I don't think you will transcend that flow of thoughts completely, but you might turn it into something you can switch on or off at will.

Shoot. Well it is nice to know how universal this problem is. Meditation is something I'm pretty new at so I'm sure it'll take practice to get it down. Though from what it sounds like you never completely quiet the mind which is good to have realistic expectations.

I really like "Be the observer, not the analyzer." Having a way to look at it that's easy to meditate on and remain aware of is very handy. That whole paragraph you put into words a lot of the obstacles I face in learning new things and that puts it into good perspective. Thanks Global.

Yep I think you're right Vodsel. I definitely have work to do in learning what works for me in meditation. I'm a worrier so It's hard.

Switching it on or off at will would be awesome good point! I guess I tend to try and then If I feel like it's not working I give up.

For meditation a mantra can be your best friend for quieting the mind. Also bear in mind that through meditation, one can potentially achieve "silence" which is the goal, but the Dalai Lama case was to illustrate that even for him, it takes some significant work to move effectively towards the goal.

I might also add the suggestion of daily exercise. It's been shown that a short, 20 minute, workout consisting of 1 minute full-on sprinting (stretch the limits of the body), followed by 1 minute walking, and so on, is just as effective for improving health as a longer traditional jog. This type of work-out simulates the sort of exercising our ancestors would have done, say in hunting animals, so we're genetically adopted to exercising ourselves this way. I've found that doing this helps slow down my mental voice and allows me to be in the moment. I bet having a healthy sex life would have a similarly positive effect.

That's a good workout to start with too since how much endurance is needed is entirely up to me. Hehe ya sex life needs a boost too. A person certainly seems to have less worries when they're regularly getting laid.

Instead of trying to quiet the mind, make music instead of listening to voices.

Pick up an instrument in your head and play it, or play back songs from memory, or make stuff up, or make up instruments that can't exist on earth... or if you are smoking DMT, tune into the neuroelectric buzz . .

This is just an idea and a technique that I use. I have a pretty intense mind at times and when it gets too absurd I just switch focus onto music and the jabber goes away [almost].

I don't think quieting the mind is really that important of a goal imo, but I guess thats because personally I enjoy the weirdness of it all.

I also really enjoy the rapid pace of vaporized DMT, and find that after using it I am a little more chilled out for a couple days than "normal".

I'm starting to agree with you that trying to quiet the mind while exploring probably isn't my problem.

Starting to think the biggest benefits to the answers previous are most beneficial to enduring racing thoughts of negativity, and also changing the nature of them. Which is pretty important. Serotonin and endorphins and whatnot.

I took a day and tried to do a couple small doses and just meditate in that state. Crazy hard, and I quickly felt like I wanted to try a "medium" dose of 20mg that resulted in just pure confusion.

Probably a result of trying to concentrate too hard, or trying to gain too much too fast depends on how you see it.

You know...

Doing something physically exertive, like dancing, exercise, or yoga, stretching out and moving around BEFORE meditating makes it tremendously "easier."

Since it seems our minds stem and are a kind of projection of our bodies, it would make sense to first tune up physically before mentally.

Yep I think it's time to get on a bicycle. But I bet just listening to some good dancing music and just getting crazy with it would fit into the same kind of weird heart rate changes like the workout Lysergify was talking about.

That should probably be number one on curing depression pretty much. Diet and exercise.