Well, I had an unsuccessful first attempt due to improper smoking (just a slight body high), but the friend I got it from suggested I try it again with him present, since he was more experienced with the device used. The second attempt was another miss, although I could vaguely make out "swirled" patterns when my eyes were closed. Third - definitely something, saw moving, shifting fractals, almost like "gears", with music morphing into long, almost infinite metallic "grinding" sounds. Certainly intense, but not a breakthrough.

The fourth was the strongest trip. Before smoking, I noticed that it was getting late, and in the back of my mind I was a little worried about the work I had to get done that night. But, I still decided to go for it. Almost immediately after the effects started to hit, I thought for a second "I shouldn't have done this one", and with DMT being as fast as it was, that thought carried into the trip, and I felt such an impending sense of doom and loss of control - I felt as if I was dying. I saw, with my eyes closed, a massive, fractal-like black "tentacle" reaching to a point that seemed to be an infinite distance away. I saw red/black forms that reminded me of, but did not necessarily resemble, skulls. Despite all of this intense fear, I managed to calm myself down, and the trip took on a much more pleasant demeanor. I saw human(?) figures moving around, trailing a rainbow of colors behind them, and a deity that resembled the one on the cover of Axis Bold as Love (this is likely because there was a poster with that artwork on the wall), however it had multiple faces, all of which contorted and melted constantly. Shortly after this, I started to see a "tunnel" of rings of different colors, and I knew that I had to go through here to completely leave my body. I tried, but it was quickly fading, as the trip was over. I opened my eyes, amazed, due to both what I saw and the afterglow from the experience. However, I was disappointed in myself for fighting it at first, and not doing it with the right mindset. I am sure that had I not panicked at first, and just "let go" sooner, my experience would be far more powerful than what I am describing here, and I would definitely have broken through. But I do plan on doing it again.

I find it interesting that although the fear and panic I felt at the beginning of this experience was immense, I enjoyed the experience.

Learning to let go is critical, but it's a learned experience. It can be very difficult when it feels like you're getting dissolved into nothingness! It seems like you have a good mindset though so I'm sure you'll get there. Do you have experience with any other psychedelics? These can be good tools for learning to stay calm during the ride.

I have done mushrooms several times, and smoke daily, but that's it. I don't know for sure if it was the intensity of the trip that caused me to fight at first, or the initial "shouldn't have done this" part which I eventually got over that stopped me from just letting go. I feel that it was the doubt that caused the problem, as I had no problem just riding with it the previous two tries (my 2nd and 3rd attempts), but then again, those doses may not have been completely used, so I am not entirely sure.

The need to let go comes with most psychedelics in higher dosages, it's the approaching ego death. I believe that this a natural defense mechanism, your brain attempts to repell the drug-induced effects in order to remain "unharmed".

I believe that with this particular "event", you'll only prolong the conflict with a poorly prepared approach, prepare to DIE and prepare to be a blank slate.

I've found that regardless of prior mumbo-jumbo upon taking the spice I always experience some seconds of anxiety due to the minds futile attempt to set anchor in reality and foremost, sanity.

Even though I no longer experience this as uncomfortable as I did on my first journeys, it's still not a pleasant feeling, but the sooner you accept your own choice the sooner you'll adapt to your new reality.

The more you resist the more it persists.