I suppose it's about time to create an introduction essay: as much to let you guys know a bit about myself as it is to remind myself of myself. Pour yourself a glass of water, grab a bit of fruit, and get comfortable, because I need to start from the earliest relevant times in my life to the present: it's not my being here that needs explanation, it's the 'How?' of it all. Perhaps after reading all of this my being here won't seem all that out of the ordinary. It's a long one, but I'll begin...
I've always been somewhat of a curiosity- according to my parents further back than I can recall. I did much of what babies generally do: defecating oneself, crying when hungry, and the obligatory Peeing-In-the-Face-of-the-Diaper-Changer. In other words, I had to learn how to feed myself and how not to soil myself, as every newborn does. What was unusual was that I wasn't much of a crier for attention nor one out of fright. Loud noises raised no reaction out of me and I was generally fine on my own for hours at a time.
As a child throughout grade school my unusual-ness became even more apparent, though I wasn't so quick to embrace it. I preferred to sit and absorb information rather than blurt out unfinished thoughts or half-baked ideas. I spent most of the time keeping to myself, lost in thought. Even during recess I preferred to wander around on my own, still entangled in thought. Numerous times I attempted to 'fit in' with the rest of the kids, usually by playing tag. I was always quick to point out the bs that many of the players engaged in, which in itself didn't make me particularly popular. Furthermore, I realised the injustice by their lack of acceptance of their transgressions and repeatedly pointed them out to the effect of, had I the vocabulary then that I do now, 'Dude, quit being a dick.' This of course made me even more unpopular and eventually lead to the continual rejection at any further requests for me to play. Eventually I stopped trying to 'fit in' and went back to wandering and thinking since I no longer cared to deal with that nonsense.
High school was two-faced: on the one hand it was better because it was shorter, on the other worse because all the nonsense was condensed to fit within the four years you were there. I still wasn't immune to it, just like in grade school. I tried to fit in every now and then, and I was quite a prick to a few people. Were happenstance to give me even the briefest amount of personal time with those people, I would hug them, apologise for my crassness, and wish them happiness. The last two and one-half years of high school I stopped trying again and did my own thing. I saw the inability of the popular to cope with even the simplest of hurdles and their unwillingness to put forth any effort. I saw this behavior tolerated by those around them, even by teachers. I saw those that genuinely tried scrape by while those that continually presented uninspired work sail by. I started to become cynical. Compounding this were the standardised tests, in particular the writing sections. Even from the outset you're told that it's not the quality of work you put in, but the quantity. That didn't, and still doesn't, work for me. I need time to consider what I feel strongly enough about to write about, and of those, which I can find the words for. By the time these portions finished I'd be left with perhaps two or three well thought out and worded paragraphs, and given a little more time I might've ended up with something I was happy with. But was there reward for that? No. If you filled up a couple pages with nonsense you were better, plain and simple. Once I acknowledged that I was not a socialite and that they were not for me and by and large ignored them, it was incredibly easy. The last two years of high school were the best. I took classes if I had interest in them so I could further my knowledge: I did work that satisfied me and not others, and I came out with some useful skills, information, and experiences.
I had decided midway through high school that I did not want to attend college. I still don't, and not for entirely different reasons. Initially it was because I knew that I wanted to be a trucker. I've always been interested in trucks and I enjoy long driving trips. I wanted to do that and there was no doubt. Undoubtedly influencing my decision was the fact that nobody else wanted to not attend college. Even people that had no clue as to what they wanted to do for a career, still wanted to go. Conversations concerning the matter would generally start off with me telling someone what I wanted to do, receiving incredulous responses, and then I would ask that person if they were going to college or if they knew what they wanted to do as a career. Some of the answers were incredible. Some said they were going to college because they had to, or because that's what was expected of them. Some said they didn't know what they wanted to do but were still going to college and couldn't tell me why. Those people expressed the most disbelief at my decision and wouldn't wrap their minds around the possibility of not going. The people that showed the least disbelief or none at all were the people that knew what they wanted to do and what they needed to do to get there. Another reason I did not want to attend college was that I refused to burden myself with so much debt, regardless of whether or not payments were deferred until graduation. I have the same mentality concerning funds today: if there's something I want and I can afford to pay for it in full and not screw up my budget then I'll have it, but if not then I don't.
After high school I went on to take a four week CDL training course in which I learned not only how to drive trucks, but also how all the systems worked. At the end of it all I had a rather nice skill set and a class A CDL; I could drive anything anywhere. Or so I thought. It turns out that although federal regulations do say that 18 is the age limit for commercial intrastate transport, no companies want to hire at that age due to a lack of experience and insurance costs. Unless you have connections somewhere, you'll be waiting a few years until you're 21 when you can do commercial interstate transport.
So, being somewhat dismayed but not put off entirely, I looked for something to tide me over until then. I applied to retail and manual labour jobs all over. Nobody bit. Nobody wanted to hire without experience even for the simplest mind-numbing jobs. After a few months somebody I once knew pointed me toward a part-time maintenance job at a place out in the suburbs, twelve miles out from the city center. This ended up being a landscaping job and I put up with it for a little over two years. There was so much brown-nosing between department heads and executives that nothing ever changed. One departments in maintenance received preferential treatment over the one I was in because the supervisor and my boss were buddies. Pay was never above minimum wage in our department for part-time employees. No benefits of any sort were offered. Hard work was never rewarded. Even bringing this up with my boss on numerous occasions just had him saying things like 'Oh I've been trying to change things for years, but the board of trustees won't approve wage increases' while feigning genuine interest in my well-being. So much crud spewing from the mouths of those that can actually make a difference. My supervisor was a very cool guy, however. He knew about all the nonsense and understood when I'd complain about the poor pay and working environment. I wasn't the only one to complain to him about it, even the full-time guys complained. The horrid pay and ungrateful suits were only part of it. There wasn't even a single bit of recognition (except from my supervisor!) that after the first three months of working there, I biked to and from work every day. Shine, rain, snow, ice, it didn't matter. I did it because I thought it would eventually pay off.
About the time I started that job is when I started to change a little more, or perhaps as allowing my true self to flower. I began cycling out of necessity as owning a car was far too expensive and stressful to justify. I came to enjoy cycling because it was exercise, and I felt good after seven and one half miles of riding, and I found it humorous (thought not surprising since I live in a city) that I was if at all, ten to fifteen minutes later getting home versus driving. About that time I started rekindling my recognition and appreciation of nature, which really made landscaping drag. Being a plant lover, spending my work day killing plants isn't exactly enjoyable, particularly since it's not useful, but because somebody thinks it otherwise doesn't look nice.
Sometime toward the end of high school I had been introduced to Shpongle by a user on another forum in a thread for psy-trance recommendations. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it at first, but I didn't dislike it, and so Shpongle stayed in my collection until I eventually purchased the CD's for myself. At that time I had no idea about Simon Posford or Raja Ram, nor was I even lightly versed in psychedelics, their possible effects on cultures, and the wonderful communities that surround them. It was with the release of both Ineffable Mysteries and the live DVD that I really began to listen to Shpongle. Ineffable Mysteries brought tears of happiness to my eyes several times, with how beautiful the music was. With the live DVD, seeing all the people enjoying themselves at the show, Raja and Simon's interview, and in particular Raja's video monologue, I became very interested in psychedelics. If they can help create music so beautiful and emotional, and the people involved with them are often so happy and loving, how can they be bad and how can can psychedelics be grouped in the same category as meth and heroine?
So I began reading basic information regarding psychedelics and the history of them, their uses, their effects, and eventually I found the Nexus. For about a year and one half I lurked and soaked in more information. I started reading books about them, listening to archives of McKenna audio, just absorbing myself in everything I could. I found that the social and political stances that psychedelic users had generally synched with my own. I've been introduced to new ideas from some of you here, and some of you here have, despite you not knowing it, helped change ones I had and even flesh some of them out more than they were. So thank each and every one of you time and a thousand times again for existing!
Seeing all the happiness around communities like this, and in general, ones that don't revolve around materialism and monetary exchange, has shown me that not everyone is a consumption machine. It's quite a nice change from being cynical about everything and everyone because of what I normally see. I'm still that way concerning anyone involved in politics, but I really do hope that people like us can overcome and change it. There are so many of us! All these guys in positions of power and the people that support them have to pass away some day, so I'd like to think it's only a matter of time. But learning and sometimes seeing in action some of the crud governments pull on people is saddening and angering. I try to look beyond it, but it can be rough going at times.
At the moment I'm unemployed and since then have been volunteering at a local no-kill, open cat shelter and giving as much love as I can to cats, and it makes me very happy to do it. I might be houseless in about half a year if I don't find a job, or if things start getting far out of hand, I might be houseless in another country, but I am satisfied with what I've done. What I am doing now is much more satisfying than the drudgery of what I was. Part of it's my own way of thinking, part of it's finding this community, and part of it's my experiences with psychedelics. I can't say I regret doing what I've done yet.
Thanks for reading and if you made it this far, kudos to you. As long as this essay is, it's only a brief summary of my general experiences and thoughts. Hopefully it will be possible for me to stick around and know more of you, and you know more of me.
Hello!
