So I have this weird thing where I don't like to read what I write unless I'm super confident in how I laid out my ideas. Well, I typed up a couple posts here a few months ago and read them for the first time since then this morning. I didn't like what I read, realized I couldn't delete them entirely so I "edited" them.
Don't really know why I did that, it was sort of impulsive. I'm a little strange. Anywho, I'll make this my new introduction. Howdy ya'll
In the last several months, I don't know if I reeeeeally need a new tripping buddy or what but I haven't had a strong desire to trip on anything but DMT, however, I've been too chicken to do it. I want and need so badly to get my head to other places, I need out once in a good while but I can't seem to just make myself take the leap. Now, there are some changes going on outside my head that are of course affecting me and I need to admit that I don't know how to handle them. I really don't. I get anxious just thinking about things not being the same. I feel so weak for this. Such a weak minded person who can't even handle the little changes in life. I feel so fragile. The one person I feel comfortable enough with to lean on for support (my boyfriend) doesn't know necessarily how to handle me and my fragility although he does try when he isn't exploiting my weaknesses and using them against me. But I excuse all of it of course because when it comes down to it, if you reeeeeally love someone at their core, you take their bad with their good. This is all good and cute, but at the end of the day I still don't know how to cope and love/patience only stretches so far when that's all you can offer, and only some of the time.
Growing up is intense. Life in general is intense. Scary even. I'm at a point right now, I want to do so much. I want to love other people in ways that they need, I'm a people pleaser at my core and nothing excites me more than when I'm able to make someone happy. However, I've been hardened in my life. The toughest thing for me is to let people in. I'm very difficult, I scare people away. That scares me. I WANT to build relationships with people, be them small or not I want them. I just feel like such a scary monster who no one understands, who no one can really ever understand. I don't feel like anyone could ever grasp what it's like for ME, because the sad truth is I know that I can't really grasp ANYONE else's pain and personal sorrow.
Sometimes I cry for other people's pain because I know I CAN'T understand what they're going through. This makes it worse, I know we really are alone in our feelings and thoughts even though we're really NOT alone. So near, yet so far away. Sometimes I'll be so low in my head, my boyfriend will notice and give me an amazing warm hug (more like embrace) and I'll just cry....cry because he'll never understand and all he can do is what is being done at that moment. My pain can't be taken away.
Anywho, just some depressing drug jibber-jabber. I could really use some Minute Maid Tropical Punch right about now....mmmmmmm. And a long walk on a cold beach at night with a blanket, some courage (liquid and mental), some DMT/smoking device, and a warm body
My boyfriend won't do a walk on the beach, especially at night...*sigh
He can be great, but he isn't what I NEED. He doesn't and can't fulfill me in certain ways that are needed for a person like me. I need so much more than he can give...not in the sac, mind you. We rule that department. Just sayin'
Anywho Nexians, stop by the Chat. Get to know me best there. It's super fun...sometimes.
Carlinesque