I was definitely nervous before my first proper DMT trip.
We’d spent the last four hours working out how to make the little gem of a DMT pipe, ‘The Machine’. It’s basically a mini-alcohol bottle (50mL) with a hole punched in the bottom and steel wool crammed in the neck. You heat the DMT slightly so it gets stuck to the steel wool, then cook it while inhaling through the hole. If all goes well, you’re in space.
Our environment was pretty ideal – my room, incense burning, lights low, silence. The toker would sit on the bed, light The Machine, then usually get knocked back near instantly, chucking a black silk scarf over their eyes as they blasted off.
I’d experienced DMT once before, in the form of Changa, but it was only a threshold dose. Things rapidly degenerated into beautiful, amazing fractals, very much like an Alex Grey painting. It was a pleasant and euphoric experience, with only a hint of fear towards the end. I’d since watched The Spirit Molecule and was absolutely fascinated with this mystical substance.
I’ve got a bit of a background in meditation – having completed a 10 day Vipassanna retreat and meditating semi-regularly, focusing on breathing and presence. I used this experience to attempt to prepare myself for taking the spice. I went away for five to ten minutes before my trip, just focusing on the sensations created in my body through inhaling and exhaling, over and over, centering myself in my breath. When it was my turn, I returned to my room. I was a bit nervous, but I felt ready. Definitely excited.
I charged The Machine, with what, in retrospect, was probably too much. 80mg spice with probably another 30mg left over from my friends hitting it previously. My descent was extremely rapid, ‘Intense’ can’t even begin to describe the feelings I experienced. About twenty seconds after I exhaled the thick DMT vapour, my world dissolved. My memory of the whole trip is very vague, but I can grasp certain things and images from it. I closed my eyes… not that it mattered, I would have had no clue if my eyes were open or closed. I was thrust into a space where everything rapidly became abstract symbols, multi-coloured, small and detailed and nuanced. I began rushing through a tunnel that was made of them. My mind was trying to process what was happening, and almost categorize it so I could retell it in my head after the experience was over – except I knew I wasn’t able to, things were too fast, too intense, too much. I got confused, scared, and overwhelmed quickly, as I fully blast into space. I have faint memories of a black visionscape, with these flat, two dimensional, half-human bird-like creatures (who’s outlines were painted in stars) acting upon me somehow. They had talons for hands and beaks… I think. It felt like they were taking apart my being… I thought I may have been dead. I didn’t know where I was, or what was going on. I had absolutely zero link back to my real environment.
My sense of self had rapidly dissipated and was barely there at all – I just felt these beings acting on me, being in a totally foreign environment. It was terrifying. Possibly the scariest thing I had ever experienced in my life. This lasted around four minutes (but felt like a completely undefinable amount of time). At one point, I said “no, fuck this!”, and felt like I ripped part of myself open to expose a glowing red innard of me, which was my “fear”. It felt like I was being bombarded with some kind of cosmic energy and I wanted to show my vulnerability to it… except it was too late. I experienced that energy on my “fear” very briefly before I came to. I sat up, threw the scarf off, and trembled a little. I didn’t feel quite right. I felt something was amiss. I was confused, bewildered, I wasn’t sure what to take out of the experience – I wasn’t sure what happened.
I moved from the bed, chatted to my friends, got a hug – felt a little better. Just still not totally there.
My friends did their turns before we realized we had enough for round two. I contemplated whether I wanted to face that place again… and resolved, I did. I had to. I wanted to confront those entities. Fucking come at me. What can you do to me? I wanted to throw myself bare at them. I actually was quite impassioned at this point, probably around twenty or thirty minutes after I had come to from my first trip. I charged The Machine again, probably 25mg (I didn’t fully measure this dose as I found another rock on the floor after I had charged it) plus the significant residual amount left in The Machine. I toked, I inhaled, I held it in --- I couldn’t anymore, I exhaled, I blasted off.
The descent was similar, a rush of coloured, abstract symbols, except they almost made up beings set on two paths besides me. In retrospect, it reminds me a little of the Egyptian art on the walls of the tombs in the Valley of the Kings, except glowing and lit up and made of multi-coloured symbols. I, again, was trying to process and understand it, getting confused because I couldn’t, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to recollect what happened when I came to…I tried to hold on to some grip of reality and what just happened – I remember the word ‘DMT’ running through my mind, but I was struggling… the fear set in, and began to overcome me…
… I remembered what I had promised and said “fuck this! Throw what you’ve got at me! Come on!”. It felt like I exposed myself bare to these forces coming down on me, showing them the core of my being, and I was thrust into a whole new universe. The environment was utterly foreign. I’m still not totally lucid on my recollection of this, my memories are vague, but still more concrete than the first trip. There was an overwhelming theme of green – almost like an alien Amazon rainforest. Some entity that I remember was distinctly female – like a kind of otherworldly Amazon goddess began leading me through this environment, rapidly, rushing through everywhere. I couldn’t really comprehend what was going on, but remember it was mindblowing and amazing. My friends said I was just lying back, breathing heavily, saying “WOW!” over and over. It was almost like the environment could not be defined in our three dimensional world – it had qualities which I can’t describe or even properly conceptualize in my sober state that almost felt fourth-dimensional. Distinctly otherworldly. My Earthly being was totally dissolved, I had no connection to the real world which I had left from, I was totally immersed in this new state, this new world…
I can’t remember exactly how I came to, but I remember sitting up, coming to, and being thrust so abruptly back onto Earth. I was so confused, and for a minute I didn’t say anything. Sitting in the very familiar environment – the dark of my room, with my friends around me – felt as foreign as the DMT space. I looked at my body and struggled for a second to realize who I was…
It gelled, as I slowly, loudly, forcefully spoke…
“I am...------!” (censored)
Saying my own full name felt so utterly foreign to me.
“I’m… here… with my friends…”
I named them.
“This is my body...”
I looked at my hands, and clenched them. I touched my legs, I pulled at the hair on my chest. It all felt so real, but so bizarre, so foreign. I felt powerful. Energized.
“I am -------! People call me -----! I live in a house with my family. I am fucking ALIVE”, I shouted, triumphantly. I jumped off my bed, and hit my hand on a pillow. I felt so powerful, so energized. I felt like I had completely been reborn into my body. I shouted, a primal roar, in delight. One of my friends smiled and said “where do you live?”. I roared back my address, triumphantly. I got it right. Before jumping again, squeezing my hands, tugging at my skin again. It felt so odd… This was me? This is me? Who am I? What makes me? What am I?!
I was rapidly sobering up, but things were still visually odd – I looked out the window, seeing the streetlights falling on the tree in my front yard looked like a window into space.
I ripped off my grey t-shirt, ran into my brother’s room, and shouted, “you’re my brother, and I love you!” and gave him a huge hug. I ran outside to my balcony, feeling the crisp cold air on my skin, bringing me back to this reality, grounding me”. I wanted to shout and roar but was concerned about waking up the neighbors. I grabbed the edge of the balcony and let out a sigh of delight and relief. I was alive, and I felt so fucking alive.
I slowly made my way back to my room as I sobered further, feeling the cold, feeling liberated.
I spent the next few minutes retelling the events to my friends, before they had their second round otherworldly experiences. I still felt euphoric, elated. I still was confused about the experience… But I just felt good. And writing this has rekindled that feeling a bit again in me.
After a second round I tried to finish what was left in The Machine already pre-charged but it didn’t take me anywhere, just the room wobbled a bit and I felt a hint uneasy. I got greedy, probably was not the smartest move to try a third time. We finished the night by lighting a big J and gorging on nutella toast. Sublime!
I’m still processing what I can take out of it… When I say my name it still feels a hint foreign. I think I have a lot of self-discovery to do, to find out what really are the values, experiences, and defining things at the core of my being…
Definitely proud I confronted that primal, overpowering fear on my second trip.
There’s still some unresolved things in that space I want to confront and understand better, but I’ll be staying on this plane of existence for a bit – it’s not time to go back there yet.