Hey guys,
During the day, I run and grow a business I set up around 17 months ago.
I spent every daylight moment strategising, plotting, dreaming and moving towards my goals and fulfilling my material, life ambitions.
And it's starting to go ok. I'm making ends meet. And every day I'm excited at the opportunities I can see in the future. The potential of the business. The direction everything is going in. I see success, abundance in the future, so long as maintain my course.
But around 2am.... 3am.... I often find myself on youtube... searching. Wandering.
I don't know exactly what I'm looking for... but it's always something spiritual.... something... deeper.
One youtube video leads to another... UFOs... alien abductions... 2012 prophecies... mayans... anukai... Alan Watts.... Ekhart Tolle... etc.
Somehow, I don't know how, I found myself watching a video about a substance called "DMT".
The "Spiritual Molecule".
Apparently if you take it, it opens up your third eye.
Well this definitely caught my attention.
I'd delved into nightclubbing culture when I went to university, which led me to experimenting with drugs for the first time. Ecstaci and MDMA were the preferred drug of choice for your average clubber, but I'd also experimented with Cocaine, Amphetamine and dabbled a bit with Ketamin (but never in high doses).
And although these drugs were fun, they were just 'recreational'. They gave you a nice feeling. A nice high... and made the musical experience a completely immersive, emotional experience.
But I'd never tried psychedelics before - club culture (at least the aspect I was part of) didn't do psychedelics.
But here was this youtube video talking about a drug called DMT...
Opened up your third eye?
Holy shit... this sounds... amazing.
I'd never been interested in trying LCD or Mushrooms because they seemed like more 'recreational' drugs.
Drugs you just did for kicks. To see some funky visions.
I'm 28 years old, and after starting to use Ecstaci and MDMA from the age of around 17 (and stopping around 24 - except the rare occasion), LCD and mushrooms just didn't (and still don't) appeal.
Its almost like I feel like I've had my kicks with drugs.
But DMT opens your third eye...
I felt drawn.
Like a seed had been planted... and I just couldn't forget.
And the more I researched, the more videos I watched, the more experiences I read about and listened to.... the more I just knew. I knew that I was going to take DMT.
But I have no idea when.
The last time I even knew anybody who had access to drugs was back when I was at university. Now, all my friends were entrepreneurs, coaches, marketers, and professionals.
I wasn't cool enough to know people who could get hold of DMT, and I had no where to even start.
So I 'shelved' the idea, and concentrated on my business.
Till last Friday.
I was out in a club in central London with some friends, having a good time.
Out of nowhere, my flat mate comes up to me and tells me our good friend Joe has DMT.
I look at Joe, confused.
DMT?
It doesn't register immediately... because my friend Joe, does not come across like the kind of guy who would take psychedelics. He didn't even drink that much.
DMT??
"You have DMT?"
He smiled with a knowing smile, and nodded slowly.
He told me he'd bought some a year ago, and had gone through about half of it, and there was loads left.
The conversation that followed, caused the club I was in to disappear.
The music seemed to fade into the background.
Every other person in that smoking area dropped from my attention, and I only saw and heard Joe, as he told me about his DMT experiences. How he'd been in regular contact with... beings. Gods. Divine angels.
I was excited.
Very excited.
By the time the night had ended, I had a date with John.
A DMT date, on Tuesday.
It's now Wednesday, 3:28am.
I went round his house tonight (Tuesday night), and I had the first ever psychedelic experience of my life.
I took DMT.
My flatmate joined me as we headed off for Joe's house. My flatmate Mike had done mushrooms before, and had told me all about his crazy experiences. But he didn't want to do DMT with me.... he just wanted to come along for support.
He has also been reading up on DMT, and wants to try it. But he said he feels like he just isn't in the right state of mind with everything in his life at the moment to attempt something as powerful as DMT. He didn't want to have a bad trip.
But I was glad he was coming with me.
I wasn't nervous... or even excited.... but then I never get excited about things until they are literally about to happen. If I'm going on holiday, it's only when I get to the airport that I start to get excited.
Well, I wasn't going to Norway. I wasn't heading to an airport. I was going to a spaceport. Destination hyperspace.
Joe's flat was a 20 minute tube journey away.
It kind of felt like a spiritual pilgrimage.
I knew I was on my way to an important... powerful experience... it felt a bit surreal.
But I wasn't nervous... Untill I arrived in his flat.
Then it all felt VERY real.
I was about to take DMT.
I started to feel VERY nervous.
The feeling reminded me of how I felt before I did Australasia's highest bunjee jump in New Zealand. That feeling of fear started rising within me.
"Does it matter that I'm feeling nervous Joe? Will that affect the trip?"
Joe put my mind at rest. He told me he's ALWAYS nervous before taking DMT. He said he was nervous right now. That it was perfectly normal.
He told me it's AMAZING and that I be ok.
He kept telling me, "trust me, you're going to be fine. You're going to love it"
It put my mind at rest.
A bit.
But then he got all his gear out - the pipe, the lighter, all that stuff, and explained the process.
I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.
Could I go through with this?
Do I have the courage?
He tells me that his usual dose is 30mcg.
Apparently you need 50 to make a serious breakthrough, but Joe says he's never had the courage, so far, to do that much, since he's had such powerful trips from 30mcg.
He asks me if I want to try a much smaller dose to start with, so I can just see what the sensation is like, so I kind of know what to expect. So it doesn't scare the crap out of me.
He proposes 5mcg.
I like the idea of being a hero and saying "naaah wack the whole 30mcg in there and let's do this".... but my courage failed me.
5mcg it is.
Joe operates the flame, and I breath in and hold my breath as instructed.
Almost immediately, I feel it.
A powerful sensation in my body.
A warmth on my forehead.
The outline of the sofas and desks in his room started to warp and move gently.
It felt very strange.
Strong... a bit like how you might feel after sniffing some poppers.
I got a feeling for what it 'might' be like to take 6 times the dose...
But this felt strong.
6 times the strength as this?
Oh man.
Once the feeling had faded, and I'd returned to normal, we talked more about the dosage, and agreed on a 25mcg dose.
I made the decision. No going back. Let's do this.
Joe told me he always put headphones on and listened to relaxing ambient music - he found that it always made his trips more beautiful and enjoyable, so I adorned his headphones and laid back on his couch as he prepared the 25mcg of DMT in the pipe.
He told me he could usually clear the whole amount in one inhalation, but if there was more left I should go for the second, or even the third if there was any left.
Ok.... here we go.
I breathed in slowly.
I kept breathing in.
I felt very strange.
I breathed in till I couldn't breath in anymore.
I held my breath.
Here it comes, like a train running through my body.
I eventually exhaled and Joe told me to take one more.
I put my lips on the end of what was now a multi-coloured tube and started inhaling.... but the pipe no longer was a pipe. It was a multi-coloured object without boundries. I didnt know was happening anymore.
Was I still breathing in?
I didn't know.
Something BIG was happening and I didn't know what it was.
I watched the smoke blow out infront of me, and I realised i was supposed to hold me breath.
Then Joe put the pipe to my mouth for one more inhalation, but the thought that I'd "done it wrong" but exhaling, now joined a deep confusion with what was going on.
There was no pipe. Just confusion.
What the hell is going on?
I felt Joe adjust my headphones, and I laid back and closed my eyes.
I don't know what started first, the music, or the visions. But I remember that it all seemed to be one and the same thing.
What I saw, WAS the music. It was all the same thing.
But I was confused.
Very confused.
I was charged through a dense world of patterns, bubbles, sheets, angles and geometry.... I felt like I was travelling through the corners... the folds... of some kind of space that is indescribable.
I was confused. Deeply lost and confused.
I was a consciousness falling through a maze of geometry. Lost. Trying to grasp onto something so I could make sense of what was happening to me.
What the hell happened?
Where am I?
How did I get here?
How do I get out?
I had no idea that I'd taken a DMT trip... it felt like I was searching for something in this experience. Meaning. Reason. Facts. Clarity. Like I was desperately trying to escape an indescribably complex hall of mirrors.
I wasn't panicking. I wasn't frightened.
I was just deeply deeply confused.
I felt tense. Frustrated.
I wanted to make sense of what was going on.
I was in a perlesceant white space brimming with vibrant pinks and purples.
I saw.... something...like a.... sphere.... a mouth... or openings, that was flowing, spewing, ejaculating smaller spheres... that were the same, spewing smaller versions. The process was geomeometrically brilliant. Impossible.
But this was all clouded with that deep deep confusion. What the hell was going on? Where am I? What am I?
Something... someone.... was it the sphere... was trying to tell me to look. To watch. But I was too caught up in the intensity of the confusion.
Above the room I seemed to be in... somehow above, outside the room, looking down on me... where.... beings. I don't know how many... but in a row above me, infront.
I couldn't look at them... my eyes were closed, but the experience didn't seem to let me look where I wanted.
I have no recollection of most of them, but the one on the left, was masculine. It was a he.
And for some reason, it looked him he had sunglassed on. That's how it looked in the periphery of my vision.
It's like, it felt like I was stuck inside the matrix, and he was somehow involved.
I remember he was gesturing towards me. He arm/hand coming towards me... like he was trying to tell me something, or show me something.
But it was impossible to take anything in because of the intense confusion and stress I was undergoing.
Then I felt femininity.
Beautiful, sexual, divine feminine energy coming from above and to the right.
I felt this being move over me.
I could see Her in my periphery above me.
Her energy felt sexual, and loving and warm.
I had the feeling.... the... knowing... the sense that I needed to... surrender. To let go. To stop fighting what was happening to me.
She told me it was alright.
She told me I was safe.
I let out a deep breath, and I surrendered to Her.
Suddenly all the fear, the confusion and the stress evaporated.
I remembered I was sitting on my friends couch. I remembered I had taken a DMT trip. I remembered that my friends were sat a few feet away.
I was safe now. I lay there beneath her, envelloped in Her love. In her femininity. In her sexuality. I wanted to move towards her. To experience more of her.
I smiled. I chuckled.
I thought "wait till I tell the guys about Her"
But she started slipping away.
Everything started slipping away.
I was knew that I was returning.
The room I was once in, was now gone, along with Her.
I opened my eyes. I saw my friends looking at me. I smiled, they smiled and I removed the headphones.
After describing what I'd experienced, Joe went next.
After taking one long big inhalation, he closed his eyes, laid down, and proceeded to smile and giggle for about 5 minutes.
When he came to, he told me that he had just experience the best DMT trip he'd ever experienced.
He told me that during the trip, I thought how much he wish I had experienced exactly what he had experienced.
He wanted me to do it again.
But my courage failed me. I will do DMT again... but I need to recharge my emotions. Recharge my courage. There was no way I could put myself through that again this soon.
We discussed my experience.
I realised that the initial confusion and bad feelings all started at the very beginning of the trip.
During the second inhalation, I exhaled straight away when I was supposed to hold my breath. I was becoming overwhelmed by the intense sensations that were driving through me, and I forgot exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
When I realised I'd "dont it wrong", this started a negative feeling of "this is wrong".
Coupled with that, Joe was trying to get me to do another hit, and I was already "on my way", so didn't really know exactly what was going on, or what I was supposed to do.... so this just compounded the "wrong" feeling.
And then I zapped into a confused world of "wrong", and it wasn't untill about 2/3rds through that this feminine being showed up and told me it was ok, and I needed to relax, to surrender, to let go.
And by the time this happened, the trip was nearly over... so I only got a small taste of what a full-on beautiful trip would be like.
On reflection, I realised that the reason I had a "bad" trip, was I was FIGHTING what was happening to me.
I was trying to 'get a hold of myself'. To make sense of it. I was trying to control everything.
I was stuck in a whirlwind and I was desperately trying to swim to safety.
It was only when I SURRENDERED, that everything changed. It was only when I LET GO, and put my trust in the experience that the experience turned positive.
Next time I do DMT, which will hopefully be next week, I will hold two thoughts, or feelings inside me.
Complete trust and surrender.
As I fall into the experience, I will completely relax and let go. I will call out to the experience and ask to be protected. I will ask to take care of me. I will give myself 100% to it.
I will surrender completely.
That is what I have learnt from my first ever psychedelic experience.
It wasn't a completely positive one - but in the midst of the confusion, I saw something. I felt something. Something that I know if I had given myself o it completely, I would have experienced and seen things that would have left me in awe.
I was to go back to Her. I want to surrender to Her.
And I will again.
Thank you for reading, and thanks for welcoming me into this new and exciting journey.
- Alyosha.