I decide I’m going to do DMT. Not my first time (ninth or tenth?). I feel the same butterflies I normally feel, and my gut asks me if I’m sure this is something I want to do. It is, and it isn’t. I’m asked again. I say no. I say yes. I say kind of. Then I decide it is, in spite of being unsure. Then a voice says okay, and a feminine presence comes before me and purifies me with water and then shrouds me with a kind of holiness. She then says I’m ready.

I have approximately 50 mg loaded into a pipe. I use a bic lighter. It melts and I inhale. Almost immediately it takes effect. I exhale and take another pull from the pipe, set it down, and lay down. It comes on really quickly. The visuals are what I’ve come to expect, only this time is the first time I’ve used this much. I’m bombarded with colours and visuals, but these quickly take a backstage to the revelation that hits me really, really hard: my mom sexually molested me when I was a baby. It comes in fragments of understanding. I hear a kind of sorrowful almost-yelling “she did it! She really did it! Oh god, she did it!”.

My dad told me a story a couple of years ago about when I was a year old, and coming to my mom for attention, and her pushing me away. He remembers thinking, “how could you do that to your own son?” The vision lets makes me understand that she pushed me away because she was so disgusted with herself, and with me. I hear another voice saying, “Oh Chris (not my real name), I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out this way.” The invisible face behind it is in tears. I feel sorrow and compassion wrap around me, but the DMT keeps hitting me really hard in waves.

I think, “this is just part of the trip. It didn’t really happen. I’m just high”. The voice says, “no, Chris, she really did it. She really did it.” Another wave hits like a hammer, and with it the understanding that this act shattered my entire life before it had even barely begun. My mom was sexually abused by her father, and another wave of understanding comes that she did this to me to understand her own sexual abuse. She’s spent the majority of her life sitting on the couch withdrawn and feeling sorry for herself. I wonder if this is because she never got over her own trauma, or if she’s recoiled from life from what she did to me.

I don’t want to accept this, but the experience keeps insisting it’s real. I’m also reminded of my last DMT experience where the same thing communicated to me, but I dismissed it as a drug-induced hallucination. This experience cannot be ignored anymore.

The peak starts to wane, and I’m able to see my life’s events line up in a row. It all makes sense now in light of this. I’ve gone through several diagnoses, including schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD, chronic depression, anxiety – the latter two of which have been confirmed and PTSD extremely likely though not confirmed by a medical professional, and the former two being misdiagnoses confirmed by medical professionals. I even explored an asperger’s diagnoses, but PTSD and aspergers overlap quite a bit, and PTSD is the more likely diagnosis. I see now that the diagnoses which fit can be readily explained by being sexually molested. It explains why I was an angry child, why I’ve lived with this hole inside me, why I deal with back pain, chronic headaches, why I’m an Incel (33 years old and still a virgin), why touch makes me cringe, why I go through life detached from everything. There are many more things which fit. It also explains why none of my attempts at healing have been successful, if I’ve been truly blind to this crucial event.

As I was coming out, I felt, among anger and hurt, a growing sense of peace. The anger and hurt were there, but not necessarily what I was feeling; a kind of knowing that it will be coming in the future. Peace and wholeness were what I felt the most, a kind of acceptance that finally explained everything that didn’t make sense in my life. I hear a voice say, “Your life is never going to be the same now.” I’d been searching for healing from some unknown trauma, and now the proverbial gears seemed to come together and spin collectively rather than individually.

I ask if I’m guilty of molesting someone else and if I’m repressing the memory, and the voice tells me “no”. I’m still unsure, like how can I know if this, too, is repressed. The voice remains a gentle but firm “no”.

Our pasts don't need to haunt us. Oftentimes, just starting fresh in a better place with better intentions can work wonders. Whatever happened in the past is over and only useful as a lesson for how to live in THIS moment. I may be out of line, but I would let go of the whole molestation idea entirely, as it is A) unprovable one way or another B) irrelevant to your current issues & C) not the most valuable thing you could be focused on in terms of making yourself a more joyous and satisfied human.

Regardless of all this ranting, I do think it is a good idea to speak to a counselor about all of this and these feelings. No need to mention a DMT trip. You can say it was a dream or something similar. Clearly there are themes of childhood trauma, feelings of abuse, neglect, feelings of incomplete memory, etc. Maybe it would make sense to talk to someone about all of this.

Repressed memories, past lifetimes, alternate versions of reality... these things are all fairly common in trip reports.

Are they real? Hard to say.

Is anything real?

I am afraid that we humans are stuck in a vast and barely knowable mystery... Our CNS's are like feeble single-LED penlights trying to make out megalithic undersea cities in brief flashes.

Our pasts don't need to haunt us. Oftentimes, just starting fresh in a better place with better intentions can work wonders. Whatever happened in the past is over and only useful as a lesson for how to live in THIS moment. I may be out of line, but I would let go of the whole molestation idea entirely, as it is A) unprovable one way or another B) irrelevant to your current issues & C) not the most valuable thing you could be focused on in terms of making yourself a more joyous and satisfied human.

A mother and her child are asked the question: imagine you are in a den of hungry lions; what do you do?

The mother is distressed, saying, “I... I don’t know what I would do.”

The child responds, “I’d stop imagining.”

If whatever I said makes any sense to you... cool. Feel free to regard it as the burbling of some deep sea creature's entrails... if it makes you feel better. Whatever you do, try to have some fun.

Peace be with you.

Regardless of all this ranting, I do think it is a good idea to speak to a counselor about all of this and these feelings. No need to mention a DMT trip. You can say it was a dream or something similar. Clearly there are themes of childhood trauma, feelings of abuse, neglect, feelings of incomplete memory, etc. Maybe it would make sense to talk to someone about all of this.

I sincerely hope you find some answers and some peace in your quest.

It took me a long time to actually accept this as truth. Modern western society would have us think intense treatment administered with dedicated assistance of a therapist and such is the way to go, and it was the way I went for the first 10 years of my struggling with anxiety/depression/repressed memories&emotions/PTSD. I think it has it's uses, especially if you can find the right person to counsel you. However, all my learning/growing didn't begin until I started putting all of my effort into growing and understanding myself. I took it into my own hands. I began using mushrooms, researching unorthodox healing methods, and learning how to heal myself. This is when my life changed COMPLETELY, and I was no longer "feeling" the weight of the past. While it can be beneficial to understand how the past shapes us, even in specific situations, in my HONEST experience, the majority of understanding past trauma is mostly irrelevant.

I sometimes reflect on here and with other friends who help me understand from different perspectives, but I believe strongly (in my experience) that you can do for yourself whatever good health insurance and therapists can do for you. You just have to want it, which it seems you do. With that said, we're all different and I'm only speaking from experience. You're welcome to PM me and ask about specifics if you would like to quantify the validity of my viewpoint. Still, please know that existence unconditionally accepts you for who you are, and as such, you should feel free to explore all the odd and strange ways you might have avoided in the past toward healing.

Finally, your articulation is superb and as someone who gets their jollies from articulation, I commend you, sir

Blessings