Peoples of the Nexus,

Since this is such a long story, please let me know if anything I have posted is bad for the best interests of this community or myself. I know a lot of people use SWIM/other syntax when talking about experiences but this story is just too personal for that I think.



Let me start off by saying im about to get pretty personal right off the bat here, and I know this is a really awesome community (I've been poking around awhile), but I'm not sure anyone will care haha. This is a really long post. I think it will just be easier than trying to beat around the bush with you guys. I just need some unbiased opinions from people who are accepting. The first part of the story is background and you can probably skip it, just kind of a chronicle of my experimentation. I'll put a marker where I think the most important part comes in.

I'll begin where I like to think my psychedelic travels started. It started with a group of friends from my high school who I grew up with, lets call them S, M and T.

S had been smoking pot and had been around drugs because his older brother was a huge hippie in high school. We knew S had been smoking for awhile and me and M tried to get him to stop, we were athletes back then and super edge. Eventually, S, M, and T got into smoking pot together, and didn't tell me. This is probably all going down sophmore-junior year. I never had any exposure to drugs, until S and M approached me one day and asked me to smoke. I had started drinking my junior year so was more open to trying it, but was still very reluctant. After many many many months of peer pressure S and M finally got me to smoke. I was having the worst night ever. I had just been rejected by this girl, and was driving aimlessly and was like an hour away when they called me. It ended up being one of the best nights of my life. We just sat around and made the stupidest jokes but laughed for 3 hours straight. S M and T and I started smoking more frequently, and they introduced me to J and DP. I knew J from playing football, and he was super cool. DP was a new addition to our friends, him and J were really close.

As we started hanging more and drinking/smoking more eventually M came up with this new plan for us. We embarked on what we called the "Dark Path". It was never a very well defined concept, and I'm sure it means something different to all of us. Back then it was mostly about getting messed up and having fun doing illegal things. Now a days, to me it means taking any experience I feel comfortable doing using my own rational thought, no matter whether if society or anyone looks down on it. It was always a somewhat loose thing for the other 4 but me and M took it pretty seriously. We talked about it a lot and what it meant to us.

Because of the path, I ended up trying some acid (it was a super low dose, but I realize now after taking a lot more that I was actually feeling something from it), and some shrooms that were bunk, but never really had any good experiences. We mostly just smoked a boatload of pot. The group of us hung out constantly, literally every day at least part of the group was together. S lived far away (>45 min) so he wasn't around as much during the school year.

As my travels continued I kept meeting more and more people who experimented with drugs and meeting new connections (I sold pot for both the summer before college and the next, so I ended up meeting some people who could get some heavier stuff). LSD was always the easiest to get so I would grab it when I could, I probably took it a total of 5 or 6 times before this year. I never really had a good trip though. I'm not sure what it is, but in general I trip less hard than the people around me on the same dose. I don't know if its because I'm a big guy, or my slow metabolism, or what, but I never really had a strong experience. While experimenting, I met this other kid, J2, who was big into the rave scene and liked to get messed up and go to shows. He convinced me to go with him to Deadmau5 last summer near my town, and he was raving about how we were going to candy flip and have a great time. That night was the night I realized I actually really like to dance haha. Regardless, I had an amazing time and my first really good acid trip. I remember being at my friend's place that night trying to rip bongs down cause I couldn't sleep (first time I had ever encountered that haha), and I was just tripping more and more (didn't know weed potentiated the trip), and I sware that the mortar in the wall (she had exposed brick in her living room) was forming into words and sentences and I could read them just not understand what they were trying to tell me. It was then I really realized the nature of psychadellics. I like to call it “the universe dumping information on you.” Call it what you want but I had never realized how profound they are. I always did them to try to get visuals cause I couldn't believe that stuff actually happened.





THE MORE RELEVANT STUFF





That was the summer before my sophomore year of college (last summer). At school I had already made a good group of smoking buddies, super legit guys I met in my fraternity who were always there to lend a hand if needed. They were always generous and would smoke me up too. We were getting along really well so I thought I'd bring up the acid topic. None of them had done psychedelics before, and two were really interested. We met some guys through picking up weed who said they had some acid, so we bought some, and took it together along with our buddy R, who is also super chill. That trip was incredible. After that point in my life some stuff was really starting to get messed up though. I was pretty depressed, and not doing very well in school. I hated what I was studying. I couldn't see the purpose of life, and was getting very existential. I kept thinking that since, fundamentally, we are all just a bunch of subatomic particles interacting, it makes no difference to the universe whether I am dead or alive, and I didn't plan on being someone important or having a family, so what was the point of suffering through life? About two weeks after I was starting to go through these lines of thinking, M comitted suicide. Obviously, I was devistated. My mentor on the path had left me, and I had so many unanswered questions. He didn't leave a note or say anything to anyone, so we have no idea what was going on in his head. Now that it has been almost a year, and the pain and suffering for most of the people has subsided, I can see all the positive things that have come out of his passing (I know that sounds messed up but it really is true). It, along with psychadellics, has really shown me the beauty in life, and that all life and all things are beautiful. Also I have learned that you can turn anything positive, that everything is just perspective. Literally you can just approach something from a different angle and make it good. It's not always 'right' in the moral sense (serial killers, rapists, etc.), but it always works.

Lets go back to college now. As me and the group of guys here got closer we started taking more psychs and eventually the one guy, lets just call him Fred (I think hes a member of the nexus too haha), started getting fed up with the inconsistency of getting acid. He decided he wanted to start making his own stuff, so that we could all trip together and not worry about purity. I still think his search is that for the perfect trip. To experiment to the point he knows the optimal setting for his trip. He got on this form, and we got the supplies, and extracted some DMT. We had a crazy trip together where we took 5 really strong doses and went to this natural preserve by us, we had a friend drive, and that was what I think really solidified our friendship. We had a goddamn meltdown that day when we got back. When I got up in the morning we had 50 plastic cups covering the tables, all with a tiny amount of water in the bottom or empty. I think I just kept forgetting what cup was mine and kept pulling off new ones. That was the most intense acid trip I've ever had.

Anyways, it was getting really close to the end of the school year, and I knew I wouldn't really have time or be comfortable to trip on something this powerful and profound around finals. Fred had already tried it once he had gotten some to make sure it was good. It was. I'll be honest, I don't even really remember the first trip. That was a Tuesday. I was somewhat under impressed (not sure if I roasted the bowl down all the way, its always hard to do something for the first time). We decided we wanted to try to do the oral administration on Friday. We were trying to extract MAOI from harmala vine so we could just do a shot of water with all the powers in it, but ended up having to drink a bunch of the harmala root powder still in the water. We could NOT get that stuff to separate out, and we were out of time. That was the nastiest thing I've ever drank, literally every gulp I took down I had to gag down. I was gagging before the stuff even got in my mouth. I ended up purging about an hour later and then I started getting CRAZY fractals in the bathroom. One of Fred's roommates was around, and he doesn’t really do anything like this, so I felt like I was stuck in the bathroom cause I didn't want him judging me/imposing on my trip (little did I realize I was letting him do that by staying in the bathroom haha). I couldn't even get up, not sure if it was because I was still sick, or just that my mind was going insane. Kind of like an acid trip when I cant figure out what to do in social situations, so I didn't leave for awhile. I stopped tripping as hard and came out, and Fred still wasn’t tripping very much at all. I think we just didn’t get enough inhibition. Anyways this girl came over from across the hall and we had a really deep conversation about social networking and that kind of stuff. It was awesome. After she left me and Fred went in his room and smoked about 70mg. That was the most mind blowing trip. I am pretty sure I came in contact with M's spirit. I was in an entirely dark space, it was finite, but I couldn't perceive the end of it. In the middle, in front of me, was a huge object, I wish I could draw it. I felt an unbelievable wave of happiness and beauty. I came back from that place to my body and literally every nerve ending in my body was firing with pleasure. My crotch felt so weird I thought I had pissed myself. Then I started gagging and he brought the garbage can to me, and I got lost in another world in the garbage can. I remembered him saying something from the time we did 5 hits when he was breaking through. He said “This is it man, this is it!” That was playing on repeat in my head over and over and I know I was smiling bigger than I've ever smiled before.


I guess I will wrap this up now. I have definitely learned some things, mostly about myself, and some about the nature of the universe, from doing psychedelics. One of the main things I realized is that everything is connected, through consciousness energy, whether directly or through other things. If you can follow those connections, and put them all together, you can understand anything. Also, I learned there are infinitely many perspectives, which lead me to the realization that there is at least one good perspective for every situation. I've learned that I am just the sum of the things I have experienced, and if I can make all of my experiences good (see perspective argument), then I will be good and whole and at peace. I also realize that there IS an answer to THE QUESTION, but it will not be easy to find.

The most pressing question to me currently is: “What is happiness?” and, similarly “What will make me truly happy?” Once I am happy and have my needs attended to I think I can start to tackle the bigger questions like, “What is the purpose of all this?”




The question I have for this form is: Can psychedelics, along with the right mindset, some willpower, some determination, and some meditation, show me what I need to be happy? Can I use them, as a tool, to bring me to the answers I seek? Or should I look elsewhere? I know there are no true shortcuts in life, and I know drugs don't tend to solve problems. Obviously DMT is a sacred chemical. It and the other psychedelics are very very different from other intoxicants.

Thanks for those who read. I'm excited to start this journey. I guess this is me officially stating I'm ready to go down the rabbit hole. I never knew if I wanted to know or not the answer to the big questions. Only one way to know :-P

Peace and love.

-psych0naut (I really am pscyho, you know).

"Can psychedelics, along with the right mindset, some willpower, some determination, and some meditation, show me what I need to be happy? Can I use them, as a tool, to bring me to the answers I seek? Or should I look elsewhere?"

Someone to love, something to do, know yourself, know your inherent value towards society. You can go on living a social outcast, without a woman, without babies, without societies acceptance, without material wealth, without a life involved with other people, and without other people's love, but I much more respect life under the pretense that I owe it to nobody other than myself to get to know what I love, what I do that makes me happy, and to not hinge my happiness upon any social norms, nor to get caught up in the perceived expectations society imposes. Once you are free from feeling obligated to anyone/thing other than your own goals you envision, you will be unstoppable so far as you allow yourself to achieve greatness. I know that my place of happiness is a combination of inner peace, self actualization (which psychedelics can come in handy for sparingly every so often) as well as a bit of fortitude, but not too much, otherwise you get hung up on little things, and are incapable of appreciating life's little beauties and nuances. mindset will come as you understand more about awareness, and that requires discipline and fortitude in learning new things in order to constantly advance your horizons.

As humans, we often get so much information, that we overlook applying the simplest of lessons. There in lies the beauty of the psychedelic mindset (for myself personally) because time and time again it's given me the ability to look/(feel through) at myself objectively without harboring judgement, or resentment after my past actions, reasoning, or history & simply change (By being/ outshining the light) accordingly. The white light of spirit can be truly transformational once the initiate (you the initiate towards bettering yourself by your own free will) learns how to work within their subtle body. (where the energetic neurological learning of one's own brain and body can lead to healing and strengthening of the mind and help overcome various illness) All & all the important thing I believe is to find a balancing point of challenging your personal creativity, curiosity, learn & grow + do what you have to do in order to get there (school) without worrying about the impressions of others and retaining your will power at the same time while not over analyzing things or forcing things so that minimum effort is required. This will require a combination of events in your life one of which it seems for you is psychedelics. =)

& Yes they will help you achieve things faster based upon the "base of understanding" you currently have. It seems the more the subconscious mind has in depth questions about the meaning of life, the more fruit there is to bare from a psychedelic experience! (At least for me personally)

I bootlegged my enlightenment (3TB of information online) from self help, meditation, hypnosis, health information, NLP, mind control, religious texts, mystery school texts, various works throughout history, magic books, spiritual music, inspirational writings, inspirational speakers, audiobooks galore, personal experience in real life, and playing with the forces of human psychology; applying them to business in real life! Psychedelics are a side venture towards abandoning all this towards Zen beliefs at the end, but I designed my self training course in order that it would unlock my fullest potential, and different substances (DMT as the graduating last step) helped me to achieve it all.

May your legacy be as much by your actions as by your offspring that is assuming you choose to bring them into this world. I would hope one would want offspring out of a genuine loving compulsion to bring to new life a better quality of life than what fate has handed you so far and thus it is up to you to decide if such action is conscionable. To each their own when it comes to giving up on raising a family, or staying single, but to allot of people whom have remained single, they have all told me at least that it gave them more time and financial freedom to pursue the meaning behind this grand mystery that is life. Happiness is not something you attain, its a state of being that comes about. Attaining this is as much an intimate task as running a relationship with the opposite sex. This is hinged upon a few things, but if you were to hinge your happiness based upon a substance, I would rather you hinge it upon the grander outlook and perspective reached through it, and work to internalize it (and make it eternal) more so than to glorify the substance alone as a path towards happiness. It's personal for every person. Perhaps if you share the more personal happy revelations that come in due time, (or better examine them) then there will be something of value but really it's the feeling of freedom one finds in autonomy which has as much to do with happiness as does feeling the reciprocation of love and appreciation from others/peers gives you.

Moment to moment realize that you are nothing more than what you're meant to be (even when doing homework or arduous tasks) in so far as a knowing-ness that you will advance personally at a pace that is faster and better than other people in areas of life (which might not be directly relative to homework at this time) however, because you are choosing the psychedelic experience in life are afforded the luxury of seeing things as they really are opposed to the way society intends you to accept them as being, and with that will come a little feeling of alienation. The trick is to show others the amazement there is to be found in your thoughts and perspectives from a completely free place of being while retaining enough of yourself to fully function in the normal tasks of every day life. (Hope I don't sound like I'm repeating myself)

It's belief in one's self with a strong will (Towards self inquiry at first, and later the intention to become omnipotent towards one's self) that is the key (for me) of harnessing the psychedelic experience towards self enlightenment. I set goals I intend to accomplish internally each time I have a trip I will partake upon. The stronger the will, (The launching point is intention) the farther the purpose, the more you will accomplish. Imagine multiple steps. Things I sought out to accomplish personally in the past:

Awaken energy body.
Open third eye.
Activate the chakras.
Become the godhead.
Have instant recall.
Experience a Near Death Experience.
Experience a Out of Body Experience.
Unlock inner perception of my nervous system.
Blast out white light from my top chakra in order to cleanse it.

(Different substances for each of these) (Or each in different degrees)

The list is infinite. Sometimes I explore complex math, or mysteries of the universe / physics. Other times it might be to get in touch with my heart and heal it, other times to re-balance myself. I tend to do all these + more simultaneously. To each their own by their abilities however, as to rush such things is sometimes not good, as it's always important to start out letting the experience naturally roll through you, (Until you have a complete understanding of the substance, and yourself) and then plan to launch off in towards something greater!

If you pay attention to setting it is fine, but to partake in any psychedelic substance recreationaly shows your higher self an unorganized and lazy mind and those are some pretty important warnings for you to impart to anyone who wishes to enjoy an experience like this to it's fullest. Being by yourself (Or with a close intimate friend) in a non-noisy (sometimes dark) environment is so essential (Depending upon drug & ideal setting for it) & again when starting out on this path, It's nice to have a sober sitter / friend to watch over you in case you delve into darker parts of your psyche because we all know how uncomfortable and counter productive that can be. (at times) Once you are more advanced, psychedelics (or dissociatives) with proper training can be healing experiences in order to clear up your dark shadow so that visiting that terrain intentionally is not so overpowering; however this is reserved for the adept.

& for the record I am truly psychotic, and the ability to switch off emotions at will can be a great advantage in life! Welcome to the Nexus fellow psychopath!

blacklist thanks for your really well thought out and thoughtful answer. I definitely have changed my goals since those rough times, and have started to figure out what is important to me and what makes me happy. I am still very pressured by society to be a certain way as I am still in school and people are constantly imposing their ideals upon me (fraternity, professors, peers, other adults, etc). I think it will take a great deal of analysis and reflection to figure out what works for me, and which, if any, of those ideals I agree with and want to integrate into my life. I think some of the most unique and important of those need to come from within, though. I cant agree more that the psychedelic mindset has shown me the beauty in the simplest things in life, like nature, and also the power of in the things we cant sense but are still there. There is definitely some kind of energy we don't sense with our five senses. I like to think it is this energy that forms connections between people, places, and objects, and also is also the energy of our feelings.

I have some very close friends who have also gotten really into psychedelics and they have been infinitely valuable in bouncing my ideas and thoughts, and now I have this place as well to expand that collaboration. I think its interesting that you talk about autonomy though, that in the end the self is where happiness comes from, which seems so simple but I constantly feel complicated by that. I feel like I am the kind of person who seeks the approval of others, and sometimes my happiness hinges on that. Maybe when I realize that I am the key to my own happiness, or rather understand it fully, that can help me towards my goal. Not to say I am unhappy at all. I am very happy and grateful for my position in life, I just feel like there is something missing.

I had a very interesting DMT experience two days ago. I was in a dimly lit room with some very ambient psytrance/electronica playing quietly with my good friend. We always take turns, and this was the first time I went first. We didn't take a very large dose, we had some changa which had about 50 or 60 mg total dissolved on it (which was split into two portions). After I smoked it I felt the usual blast off, and I was not having an incredibly intense experience (as expected) until I closed my eyes. Once I closed my eyes I kept going deeper and deeper into the energy, flowing with it. Everything was incredibly colorful, and then all of a sudden everything turned to black and white. I kept going deeper, following the energy, until I hit a "wall" of sorts. Red stained my visuals and I felt an evil force or a negative energy, I felt like it was telling me to stop. So I opened my eyes, and started coming back out. I'm not sure how I knew, but I know that I need to experience something(s) before I can go deeper into that energy. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I just know that there is something. I definitely need to read into some things. I'm hoping to learn more about chakras, my third eye, and expanding my understanding of the psychedelic experience.

Thanks again for your post, hopefully I can be as at peace as yourself one day!