PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: Ready to go, a meditated mind
(physical condition) Set: healthy
Setting (location): Bedroom
time of day: around 17:00
recent drug use: three previous lsd trips, an attempt at Peruvian Torch but no trip, ganja (about half an O a week at that point), prescription: Omeprazole for my erosive GERD
last meal: It’s been a while, but possibly a grilled cheese after work around 14:00.
PARTICIPANT
Gender: male
body weight: 83.9 kgs
known sensitivities:
history of use: first time Mushrooms
BIOASSAY
Substance(s): Psilocybin
Dose(s): 6 grams
Method of administration: Jello
EFFECTS
Administration time: T=17:00
Duration: around 5 hours
First effects: around 20 minutes
Peak: around 1 hour
Come down: around 2.5 hours
Baseline: next morning
Intensity (overall): 4
Evaluation / notes: The times are all estimates. I get rid of all clocks when I trip; I find when I glance at the time and realize it has only been five minutes, it throws me off. I prefer to just flow with the time alterations rather than to observe them.
The come-down was particularly overwhelming on this trip. Reintegrating soul and body is an extremely traumatic experience, or it was for this trip.
OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: (0-4) 4
Implesantness: (0-4) 4
Visual Intensity: (0-4) 4
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AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: No hangover
Afterglow: No afterglow
REPORT
I had been waiting on shrooms for a while, and got way more than I bargained for. I knew doing a heroic dose for a first time mushroom trip sounds stupid, but I think it was exactly what I needed.
I get a call from a friend who says, “Guess what season just started?” I say, “You know I don’t hunt… you got some mushrooms, didn’t you?” He affirmed and asked how much I wanted. I told him a quarter, but being the good friend he is, he gave me an extra gram.
I woke up and mixed the jello before hopping in the shower. Before I left my house to go to work I chopped up the magic mushroom and put them in the semi-solidified jello. I guess I had more shrooms than I thought because the “jello with some diced mushrooms” became “diced mushrooms held together by a small amount of gelatin.” It was fantastic…
When I returned home from work, I went through some yoga and meditation routines. I was definitely looking for a spiritual trip. It is probably important to note that I had been regressing back into my depression for a few days prior to this.
It was around 17:00 when I pulled the mass of fungus from my refrigerator. It took me about ten minutes to ingest the forest-tasting blob. It really didn’t taste that bad; it went down relatively smoothly. It tasted better than cactus tea (which itself wasn’t all that bad). The music definitely got turned up at that point.
I was knee-deep in the sounds of Trophy Scar’s “Darkness, Oh Hell” ep when the buzzing started. I started laughing because of this thought: “How can a fucking bowl of jello make me feel this crazy?” I spent a few more minutes in that initial shock before I decided to move to my room in case my roommates walked in unexpectedly but got sidetracked in the bathroom looking at the mirror.
At some point of every trip I have had, I've spent time in front of the mirror. Not only is it intriguing to watch the human form shifting and altering itself, but I find that the mirror shows me what I really am. It’s like the mirror is saying, “This is what you are, can you handle it?” I am sure that most of you taking the time to read this know exactly what I am referring to. Sidetrack story: I came to the conclusion that our bodies are demons that are kept imprisoned by our soul or energy by staring at the mirror on a decent dose of LSD. It was like in anime how the “boss” of some demon gang looks human, but during the finale of a fight, he sheds the human skin to show off his demon form. My skin was crawling, and a shadow would overtake my body. Right at the point where it was inevitable that the demon would be freed, I would change demeanor and he would disappear back into the confines of his cage. I would laugh then instigate it again. It was truly bizarre. *I do not actually think that we are demons. I took it as a lesson that our soul can tap into an infinite energy source to overcome anything that life can throw at us. Good trumps evil? Who knows man… I was tripping pretty hard.
Where was I? Okay. Fast forward to the bedroom. I have a blanket that was knitted for me by a good friend; it is black with a few other colors thrown in for whatever effect. I had it on my bed, and for some reason every time that I see this blanket while I am tripping, it is a portal to something. One time it was a portal to the truth that I was afraid to see; this time however it was just a portal to the void. I was pretty much gone by this point. I laid down on the bed being sure to not get sucked into the portal. I tuned back into the music in the living room, and I want to say either Bonobo or Blockhead was playing; either way it was good. I noticed my visuals were getting crazier and got caught in a mindfuck loop about how I must’ve not even peaked yet.
Everything was breathing. In and out. Expand and contract. Bigger and Smaller. The breathing was getting more intense. I was sure that the house couldn’t take much more of this when the whole room compressed one final time. Whoosh! The entire house exploded outwards. My bed faded away into nothing. Where was I? It was dark. I think I had a thought of “Damn Portal…” It is hard to explain because my thought process was so altered. Words no longer had a meaning. I could convey through emotions; I could understand through emotions. Language didn’t make sense.
I don’t remember much of what happened, but through meditating the days following this trip, I was able to recall some of this journey. I remember seeing this point of light in the darkness. I could feel this presence. It was neither good nor evil. It knew me. It knew me well. I was bombarded with thoughts or emotions or whatever word you can use for how it communicated. I was bombarded with understanding… It said, “I know your heart, do you want to die?” Death is a complicated subject for me. At one point I contemplated suicide; it wasn’t in a “Boohoo I hate my life” kind of way. It was just a “I am tired of this place; maybe it is time I move on” kind of way. Depression definitely doesn’t help in these situations, but obviously I didn’t do it. I do not remember ever fearing death. I guess I missed that lesson growing up. Maybe it’s because I believe that this isn’t all there is, and there is something to look forward to. That’s a discussion for later though.
“Do you want to die?” Without even pondering it I said, “Let’s go!” The point of light instantaneously overtook the darkness. It was brilliance if brilliance can be considered a color. It was every color known and unknown perfected into an overwhelming sense of love and understanding. It was beautiful. It was me. It was my family and friends. We were one with everything. It was euphoria. It was death, and I was allowed to visit but only for a moment. I suddenly became aware of that fact that I didn’t belong there. There was a pulling sensation at my back as my room came catapulting back into existence. I felt awkward laying on my back being back inside my body. Something was wrong. Why was I back in this hell? I struggled with everything for the next little while. The visuals had faded, but the mindfuck was just beginning. Who was I really? What is this place? Who was that presence? Where was I? Was that death? Was it a gateway to something more? What the fuck…? I almost cried when I staggered into the living room, and my roommate was sitting there. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stressed out that I was going to have to speak. That understanding was gone. Not only was the perfect understanding of the universe gone, but my connection to humanity also felt severed. This trip wasn’t a breakdown of my inner self like LSD would do. It was a breakdown of existence. How do you come back from that?
The rest of my trip consisted of me laying in bed trying to chill out, but to no avail. I finally fell asleep after a few hours of struggling with something all psychonauts have to face at some point or another. I was pretty zoned out the next few days, but it all came around. I attempted to reach that point again a week later, but the vibe of that experience was a lot different. I am grateful to God or to the Universe for sharing that vision with me. I am still in the process of integrating that experience, but I feel as if I am definitely progressing. Progression is all you can ask for, right?
We are...
We are like that sentence.
We are not finished.