Hi lookatme,
Welcome to the nexus
you have quite the rough past. I hope things will proceed a bit better for you in the future. If I were you I would perhaps reconsider my approach to drugs. Life is not a long list of substances that have affected us... These experiences and substances are only worth as much as they positively affect us.
I'm sure you've noticed that the general consensus here at the nexus is that we don't use psychedelics to "trip ballz". The way you describe your time before you went to prison sounds like a very chaotic time of just trying anything and everything. I think it's important to understand that using substances like psychedelics can really be done on a whole different level, a responsible and beneficial level, that goes beyond just 'having a good time' - though that of course can also be included.
This also means that certain substances that we as individuals recognize are harmful for ourselves and our development should be left be - for me this includes caffeine, H, cocaine, dxm, nicotine(when I can avoid it) and alcohol, as well as the whole spectrum of pharmaceuticals.
Additionally I think every time I use psychedelics should be somehow related to some inner context that can utilize the experience. I try not ever to do them 'just for the fuck of it'. Naturally there is always curiosity involved, especially when doing something you haven't tried before or doses you haven't tried before... but beyond that I find even if I don't have a question or a specific issue I want to address there is always some kind of process within that absorbs the experience and transforms it to something positive for me. If this process does not exist, then the time is not right to do psychedelics.
I think it's good that you got into meditation during your stay in jail and tried to make something positive of it. However falling back into your old habits might not have been the best course of action beyond that. Please don't get yourself in more trouble. Also we don't condone selling drugs on this site, so please don't talk about it if you can avoid it.
In any case I would try to use some of this self-reflection and stillness that you can obtain from meditation and contemplation to revise and review your actions and responses to life-situations. What's done is done, so it's all about making the best out of what#s to come and even more importantly maybe out of what is right now. You can use psychedelics for very positive things, but it's really up to how you use them. Try finding a more balanced way to go about substance use, for example try questioning what your motivation to use them is, whether this is a healthy impulse or a destructive one, and if the latter, then why? What would it take for you to lean more towards something positive?
There is most definitely more out there than getting f***ed up, or crazy sensations and experiences. Life holds so many possibilities to explore itself; IMO it is necessary to cultivate direction, to aim for progress, rather than repeating patterns and indulging in hedonism.
So aside from this long list of experiences, your past, your substances, your troubles, who are you?
cheers
Enoon
btw, what happened to the kid that turned blue in your place? Did he survive?
Buon viso a cattivo gioco!
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The Open Hyperspace Traveler Handbook - A handbook for the safe and responsible use of entheogens. ---
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