I've been doubting whether to write this post, as it will seem so blindingly obvious for those who read my initial "Introduction Essay" post, it must be "made up". Even more so for those who (wrongly) believed I was trolling with said first post. Anyway, I decided I might as well be an example for future like-minded individuals. Please note that I DO NOT want this to sound like a "don't do drugs!" commercial, cause I know first-hand how incredibly lame and counter-productive that sounds. Here goes.

I'm slowly losing my grip on reality. There. I don't know what is causing it, as I've been abusing Zolpidem (Americans know it as Ambien) and phenibut for some time now. But the first "losing it" was on dmt, so here I am. There's not really a forum for trip reports on Zolpidem, hehe.

So, one day a few months or weeks (see?) ago, I did a megacombo when a friend was visiting. I always go overdrive when I have visitors, don't know why. Let's say I did my usual antidepressants, a mountain of speed, a lot of ket, mdma, lsd and dmt. I'm not even sure about zolpidem and phenibut, but who knows. Definitely no heroin, I remember that, lol. Everything was going fine, until I went to sleep. I actually (!) lived my entire life backwards, starting from my suicide. I had sex multiple times with my future girlfriend (no, I don't remember how she looks). I got to see my parents and sister and apologize for my suicide. It seemed like a lifetime had passed when I "woke up". I probably don't have to say this made a lasting impact.

Skip ahead a few weeks, and we're a few days ago. I live alone, jobless, depressed, so I tend to sleep a lot, even with my heavy speed habit. Even before dmt, I had increasing doubts about my mental health. Still do, of course. So, during one of my "afternoon naps" I had some hallucinations that felt incredibly real (as they all do) but also were very realistic thinking about them afterwards, if that makes sense. I mean: I wasn't a rabbit or some crazy shit, I hallucinated watching a comedy show on youtube. Really. I checked youtube history multiple times, but the show doesn't even exist. And thing is, I wasn't even on dmt or lsd or ket. Just speed, meds, zolpidem and phenibut. But OK, bad day's happen, let's forget and move on.

Now we're today. Had another "very real" + "realistic" episode today, on the same couch. Everyone else I tell assumes it's a vivid dream, but trust me, it's nothing like a dream at all. I have to spend hours thinking about it and checking youtube history to convince myself it hasn't happened, and I'm still not 100% convinced as I write this. In any case, I didn't take phenibut today, but the "detox" I expect tomorrow, it's kind of a longlasting drug. Only 1 Zolpidem, yes I'm weak. So we'll see if I get to sleep tonight, or if I'm truly fucked.

I guess I started this topic because I'm getting the feeling things are getting worse. So this might become interesting soon, hehe.

Anyway, be safe there, guys.

I think I just want to be remembered. Even if it is for taking obscene amounts of drugs.

You should have a healthy respect for psychedelics. Abusing them while under the influence of other drugs is a recipe for disaster. People aren't going to respect you for taking a bunch of drugs. If you want respect you should get your act together and become a person others will look up to. It sounds stupid but you will get a lot more out of this if you understand why you are taking psychedelics in the first place.

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I should have mentioned I no longer dare to touch LSD or DMT for the time being. I'm scared shitless to repeat that "lifetime" experience. No way.

*edit: And I think I don't care about respect. Respect is just a politically-correct version of remembering.

Also: I'm awake at 00:30, that's not a good sign. If nothing kicks in soon, I'll be skipping this night. Which is not good for tomorrow's mental health, if I recall correctly. Hehe.

I just kinda highlighted the issue for you. All these chemicals are messing with your brain chemistry, the longer you do them the longer the after effects and head f*ck is going to continue. If you were losing your mind without any of these things well you'd have a lot of cause for concern. You reaction is to be expected as it is though. You know what is required for it to stop. Sounds like you have a bit of work to get out of it.

I'm not pointing the finger saying you are bad or anything, lord knows I've done my own share of overdoing it, but the reality is still that. You're on the slippery slide and unless you jump off the velocity as you travel towards the bottom just gets faster and faster.

Respect yourself, not the substances. Politically correctly remember yourself, if you will.

Best of luck hey.

I don't understand the politically correctness to the respect thing. Perhaps I don't understand what you mean by remembering. Could you elaborate? To me respect means someone who stands apart from the rest in both actions and words. If someone gets my respect I am bound to remember him.

According to your definition, I should be respected, because I stand out in actions (doing a lot more drugs than normal). But I'll assume you just forgot to add "in a good way". Then my question is: who decides what's a "good way" to stand out? Probably yourself. And if you're like 99% of people, that means you have internalized whatever society thinks is a good way.

If someone you know is a world record holder in eating bananas, would he get your respect? I hope not, at least not for his world record. Would you remember him? Probably, yeah.

But see, even my "I hope not" is based on my politically-correct view of what deserves respect. Probably things like courage, discipline, work ethic, right? Well I don't really accept that. Why doesn't the laziest man on earth get respect? It seems like he's the smartest, having arranged his life so he doesn't have to work like a slave, no? Society doesn't value laziness, so people don't, either. Working until you drop dead is considered a noble thing. I fail to see why.

You shouldn't assume I meant in a good way. You also shouldn't assume that that my values are fully shared by the rest of society. Or even by a small group of people. I really don't feel that good and bad should even come into the word respect because when I use it I mean to denote someone of skill who took time hone it. I could respect a murderer for his skill in killing. I would respect him by staying out of his vicinity. I would also remember him for his shear skill in killing.

Also I would respect the world record holder in banana eating because that must be a momentous task.

Laziest man on earth doesn't get respect simply because it easy to waste away. He would be acting like a sloth but at least sloths are cute. Also why is it "bad" to work.

Of course what you value is influenced by other people and ultimately all of society. Our brain works in stories its easy to see that. Society has a narrative: born,school,work,wedding,work,die. Religion has a narrative: born, do good acts, be the best in society as possible,die,heaven. Science has a narrative:big bang, particles, stars, galaxy, earth, humans, etc. If you think that you can create a better narrative fantastic. But these narratives seem to work for most.

Hey, thanks for taking my thoughts serious. I usually get the "that's typical junkie talk" look and that's it.

You're right, I'm assuming a lot of things. I didn't even notice.

Banana guy: point taken.

Lazy man: there's this saying that went around in my university. "A good engineer is a lazy one." You model things in the simplest way, something like that. Isn't lazy a synonym for "good at avoiding work"? Or, if it "isn't", couldn't it be?

I think I subscribe to the science narrative. (I'm actually an engineer.) Which I think is the reason that I see so many bullshit in everyday life. People just don't realize. I'm all for people creating "meaning" by subscribing to any other narrative, btw. It's just not working for me.

I guess respect doesn't mean the same for everybody. "A momentous task" arranging paperclips to size? I'm not sure, man.

Hey Homie,

Thanks for sharing your experiences man- yes you are crazy but the least crazy people all gather on DMT nexus to help each other. I get your pain to a certain extent, I cannot say anything of value for the conquering of your obstacles, but what I can say is that I already love you, and because of that not only will you be remembered; you are immortal in my eyes.

What i can say is Perhaps the meaning that is created by most is a figment of the simulation, but the meaning you have imbued into me (the empathy of simultaneously struggling with no sleep, fear of getting off drugs because of what might happen without them, and the fear of doing drugs because of what might happen to you.)

If you do not believe in yourself that's cool, but I believe in you because no one believed in me.

Respect is something you will need to find yourself. Stay safe, my advice to people is always "smoke pot in a bind to unravel"

Keep on pushing, your vision may not be your future, and you future may not be your mirror.

Stay safe.

hello fellow member. I think mostly what we mean when we talk of respect here is respect for the sacredness of these substances which I think you have gained by their pure power. I think good places to look are the attitude page here on the nexus and check out the article "moving into the sacred world of dmt" by Nick Sand. my idea is that since these things are so powerful they certainly deserve your respect because of the power they hold however they are more than just powerful tools used for anything they can be powerful tools used for our betterment and for the betterment of the world around us. just like engineering! I think that science is truly a high form of magic. Magic that can cure the most deadly of diseases of both the heart and mind. Ill attach a drawing I made about the magic of science for you! much love in your journey



love and respect.

I was pleased, comforted, and relieved to see this original post because of how it personally relates to me I'm painfully aware of how much I need to learn, grow, and actively try much harder to understand (psychedelically/spiritually/intellectually). Seeing this manner of discussion/ interaction b/w members is calming and unintimidating for someone as inexperienced and factually ignorant as myself 😅

OK, I've been better (at least not hallucinating) for a while now. So blabla, this topic wasn't necessary, ok.

I wish I'd never been born. Seriously.

My earliest memory is me keeping my breath at night to not have to wake up in the morning.

It's coming close. But what do you care, right? bhahaha

I feel sympathetic involuntary, even if I don't actually understand the situation well and it's not useful. That's why I try not to look at social media too much.

Your mind seems clouded, to put it mildly. Negative thought patterns distort reality beyond recognition. I used to regret not trusting myself enough to be decisive and kill myself before entangling my life with others who I care far more about than myself. I still have those thoughts, like an old injury. But they aren't my life's narrative now, and sometimes I feel they're utterly ridiculous. In reality, there's probably some subtle truth to them, but I always miss the forest for the trees in my own head. Growth is the only way I know to regain perspective and look at problems at an appropriate scale.

Now that I've written this, I feel like deleting it and I honestly doubt you'll care. All I did was use this as an excuse to talk about myself, to myself. I don't feel sympathy, I'm just a narcissistic ****. Wow, now I'll click post anyways. Have a nice day.

I enjoyed reading it. But I'm drunk as hell, so whatever.
if anyone knows vnv nation - illusion --> fuck me

why do you want to be remembered? xD

Hey johnmuts!!
I just joined a few days ago and have been trying to read as many essays as possible to integrate here. I came across your post and the first thought I had was akin to a crack in a windshield. They all start as a nick, then spider out in nine different directions. I in no way mean to diminish your feelings or situation, but it seems you need to work those cracks back to that starting point and reset.

I am in no way a specialist in mental therapy or drug addiction but I am human and can feel what you’re saying here. May I suggest an Ayahuasca retreat. DMT. By itself in the amazon somewhere. You can find a reputable retreat for around $1500. Plane tickets around $200 if you plan ahead. You will need to put effort into getting off the drugs you’re on to be able to make it for about a week in the jungle without them. But I think the benefits will be priceless.

I am completely new/naive to anything other than alcohol and marijuana. I recently had my first experience vaping DMT a week ago joined this site and am excited to continue with this journey. It was after coming across a video on YouTube that sparked my interest on the matter. ( please see my intro essay ‘simple hello’ by seeker2).

I was at the ayahuasca retreat with five others. All there for different reasons. Drug addiction. Childhood traumas. Religious reasons and basic life questions. Even though the brew did not work for me(see my essay), I spent a week there listening to the experiences of the others. And this is why I am suggesting it to you. For one week I talked with people that had some pretty deep rooted issues they were dealing with and by the end of my time there I saw changes in them. All of them. I saw a smile on the face of a girl who for the first couple days only frowned. I saw a young man who was dealing with some really awful child hood trauma seem to show signs of starting to get over them. I talked with an atheist who said he saw the workings of “heaven” during one of the ceremonies(that was a trippy conversation!). And a guy who for the first two days constantly kept his hands close to his face because of skin grafts he received after severe burns to his jaw and chest who, by the end, used his hands constantly in gestures when expressing his experiences with the brew. Believe me though, because I was the only one sober during the Aya ceremonies, I could hear the struggles they were all going through while on the brew. At any given point throughout the night I could hear them all struggling. Saying ‘NO’ periodically or asking for ‘HELP’ from the Shaman. But each morning following, they all concluded it was beneficial and healing. I became a believer in the power of DMT during my stay there and is why I wish to continue experimenting.

I hope you find what you want and get what you need.

Take care

You need a Medical Professional. Go check yourself in somewhere. Detox already. No more drugs. You need professional help to detox IMO.

Seriously, go detox and get your head on straight. The cocktail of drugs you've been doing is out of line and your suicide talk is troubling. Many here have been there. I know I have and I'm lucky to be alive considering how far out in left field I got.

Dont cold turkey Z drugs and phenibut. You need to taper those or you will suffer bad withdrawal.