I acquired some NN-DMT last week. Since then I have been experimenting once every day or two with increasing doses. I have read a lot of trip reports here and they have been very helpful to me, so I wanted to share my experiences firstly as a warning for other newcomers, and also ask for guidance from more experienced members.

I have tripped four times so far, each time has been weirder than the last, culminating in the single most terrifying, harrowing experience of my life when I smoked it for the fourth time. This last trip was so powerful it drained me mentally and I have felt completely different these past few days since. I don't particularly "want" to go back to normal, but I can't help but feel disturbed by the change to the way I feel.

A few details about me: late twenties, male, and have suffered from mild to moderate depression for the last ten years. Ten years ago I was diagnosed with manic depression and panic disorder. Thankfully, my life and sanity was saved by antidepressants, and have lived a relatively normal, successful and productive life. My only experience with psychedelics was as a teenager when I tried a small amount of LSD (I found it uncomfortable, and gained nothing from it). I have never been religious or been particularly interested in spirituality other than a passing interest in meditation (for stress relief). I am (or at least I was) an agnostic atheist, and I have always been a firm believer in the scientific process.

Trip one: Meeting the plant entity - pure bliss!

Wanting to see if DMT could aid me in finding the cause of, or treating my depression, I vaped a very small quantity of DMT while sitting alone in bed. I was excited and EXTREMELY nervous, hands shaking and heart pounding, I said screw it, offered the pen to my lips and sucked.

As I inhale, I begin to see my hands "melt" in front of me, turning scaly like a lizard! In front of me, I am greeted by an entity of some sort. It is distinctively female (I became to notice in all my trips so far, that the entities are clearly male or female). It is a plant - some sort of plant goddess. She has a kind, nurturing "aura" about her. The first thing that I am surprised by, is the curious manner in which she talked to me. No words were used, instead she communicated telepathically, which I found amazing. I would come to learn that the entities all "talk" in this way, never using words (the only occasions that words have been employed, they were sadly used to trick or deceive me. More on that later...)

This "plant goddess" then says to me something like, "Hello and welcome, oh, you poor thing, you're nervous! Here.. let me fix that...". In an instant, all my anxiety vanishes. I am absolutely floored with amazement. I am awe struck! I say "how can you do that??? That's amazing!". She lovingly responds "Hah, you think that's good?... here... watch this..". What happens next, to attempt a crude analogy, is something like being placed on a beach, looking out at a purple ocean. The ocean stretches over the horizon, into infinity, and is infinitely deep. Instead of fluid, it is filled with pure love. Euphoria, bliss, peace and a sense of belonging engulfs me. I never expected anything like this level of pleasure and peacefulness to be humanly possible! The plant goddess says to me "That's all, this time. Come back soon!". I am left with a lingering feeling of being 'touched' by something so beautiful, I can feel myself tearing up as I return back to normality. Eager to return to that state, I take another, deeper hit, and nothing much happens. I assume the plant goddess wants me to wait a while before returning, so I give up. The feeling of serenity and beauty gradually wears off and I go to sleep.

Trip two: The funny green gnomes

This time I decide to trip outside, as the sun is shining and it is warm and pleasant out. Sitting in a deck chair I take a somewhat bigger hit than the first time. I am much more confident this time, having had such a pleasant experience, and I am more excited than nervous: excited to see what other amazing things I might see this time.

The sensation as I 'come up' is very odd. The experience is nothing like the first time. I have the most peculiar feeling, that I have been here before... before I was born! It is the most curious feeling of familiarity, I wish I could explain it! Words really do fail me when trying to describe these experiences. As I stare off into the grass, I begin to see the blades of grass transform and move around. They begin to dance and perform strange visual tricks, before revealing themselves as funny green gnomes! Funny little things, I begin chuckling merrily at their antics. They play around with words and shapes in a way that you can't help but laugh at. "You despicable little things!" I say at them in a jovial way. They find this hilarious, and they take the word 'despicable' and do tricks with it, transforming it and making it mean different things. What a difficult thing to explain, but this was very funny. I begin to come back to normality, and for the rest of the day I feel notably calm and happy.

Trip three: Aztecs and a brain probe. Things take a turn for the worse

Again I am outside. Having had two completely different, but pleasant experiences, I make the decision to increase the dose again. This time however, I only have an hour or so to trip, before my wife's parents are expected to arrive at my house, so I make the error of being hasty.

With increased confidence I inhale, and having held the hot vapour down for around ten seconds, exhale a vast cloud, and repeat the process a second time. Very quickly I begin to see "Aztec" style inscriptions and symbols, running over everything - fluid ribbons of text, flowing curiously like a liquid. I have no idea what it means, but it is fascinating to look at. I begin to get the strong feeling that I am in the rain forest. I look up at the sky, and can see eagles flying across above. In the clouds are more Aztec themed symbols. At this point I am just taking it all in, although I am becoming a little disconcerted with how 'strong' the trip is becoming. I begin to worry that I may have taken a little too much this time.

At this point, I am again met with the sensation that I have "been here before", before I was born. How strangely familiar this feeling is, I just can't get it across in words! It is very disconcerting. Despite tripping really hard, I calm myself down and get a grip on myself, and begin to 'ask questions'. Specifically, I make it known that I am seeking help with my depression and would like some guidance. I am then greeted by a very strange, and again eerily familiar, male entity. This time though, he isn't funny like the gnomes, or welcoming like the plant goddess. I would not describe him as "evil", but he is certainly not nice. He has known me a long time, and I have known him a long time. He has no physical form, and yet at the same time has tentacle like things, with spades on the tips. It really begins to frustrate me how I can know this entity so well, and yet he is such a mystery to me? I ponder on him for a while, and decide that I don't like his presence ONE BIT. Yes, he is decidedly not a good guy. His presence makes me extremely uncomfortable.

This is the point where, for the first time, things begin to turn sour. This "entity" has a name, which I remember. It is not an English name as we know it, but instead some kind of strange, monosyllabic sound. A sort of vowel that cannot be vocalised. Again, very difficult to describe. He isn't too pleased that I remember him, but he doesn't hang around. I am somewhat relieved when he eventually leaves me alone. I get the impression that he was just checking on me, and that the last time he checked on me was during my early childhood. VERY odd and unnerving! Who was that thing? I really feel like I know him! DMT truly does provide many more questions than it does answers!

Looking back at the grass again, I check to see if the gnomes are around. Hopefully they can cheer me up, as I feel quite disturbed by the visitation from the spade entity. No gnomes this time. I am approached by a green insect type creature. Unlike the other entities, it feels extremely alien. It is not like me at all, nor is it human in spirit like the plant goddess or even the spade creature. Instead it feels 'other worldly'.. as if he is from some very distant place. It does not communicate with me at all, but what it did next was extremely strange. It extended some kind of elongated probe device, and began poking around in my mind! Deeper and deeper it poked this device into my psyche, and I could feel it in there, in a similar way that you feel a dentist pulling a teeth out with a local anaesthetic - no pain and yet a very disconcerting feeling! This creature is poking around inside my mind! It gets bored, having given me the impression that it didn't find anything interesting. and leaves me alone. How bizarre!

I am starting to come back to reality now, and I begin to worry about my wife's parents arriving while I'm tripping. I take out my mobile phone to check the time, and of course it is utterly meaningless. I try with all my might to discern what the symbols mean, but time has completely lost it's meaning! I surrender and put it back, but I just can't help worrying about the time. A thousand thoughts and worries start to invade my mind, and I feel myself beginning to panic. "I've gone too deep". "I will never come back". "What if I've lost my mind?" - all the usual panic attack questions, and I really struggle to stay in control. I feel my grip slipping as I descend into panic mode. I go inside and take a small quantity of alprazolam (Xanax). I am fighting the trip. Big mistake, but I just can't help it. Eventually, the drug subsides and I get back to my senses. The xanax calms me down, but for the rest of the day I am unsettled and I don't feel good. I wake up the next day feeling OK again, but confused and bewildered by what I saw. My respect for DMT has grown at this point, and I realise that IT IS NOT A PLAY THING, and not something to be done with "real life" distractions around.

Trip four: Finding myself. A battle with a demon

My confidence is broken a little, but I have so many unanswered questions from the last trip. I am completely fascinated with the "spirit world" and all the things it has to show me. This time however, I make sure that I have adequate time and that I am free of distractions. As I inhale, I again make it known that I am seeking guidance and help with my depression, that I am prepared for difficult experiences and ready to deal with them as they come. Again I am outside, and again I begin to see majestic colours and Aztec symbols. A strong feeling of wonder and amazement comes over me. My forehead begins to vibrate at a high frequency - a buzzing sensation that brings intense pleasure. The visuals get stronger and brighter, and I reach a state of pure happiness and wonder.

What happened next, was as indescribable as it was beautiful. I have tried to put it into words, but quite simply, the vocabulary to explain it sadly just does not exist. I experienced visions of unbelievable beauty and majesty. Colours that don't exist. Beauty beyond anything imaginable.

I take another two hits. I want to go deeper, it's just so amazing. I want to see more, to feel more pleasure like this. The colours, the inscriptions, the light, the feeling of elation and peace is just overwhelming. I am in a state of utter bliss, and as I exhale the pleasure reaches a level that is simply unfathomable. I make it known that I give my thanks, that I am so grateful for the chance to see this. It is so special.

And then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the trip turned on its head. It became absolutely HORRIFYING. No more colours, instead a black cloud - blacker than black - true darkness. The cloud attacks me with something that I can only describe as a spiritual "punch in the face". I am utterly overwhelmed with fear, to the extent that I immediately surrender to this being. I have absolutely no chance of fighting something so powerful. I instinctively just beg for mercy. This thing (distinctly male) is so horrible, and wields such massive power, that nobody could ever stand a chance against it. I get the distinct feeling that I am something of a bacteria compared to the sheer scale and power of this entity. I feel that it has the power to destroy entire worlds. Despite surrendering, as something of a warning to me, it plunges me into a deep state of panic and despair.

Briefly going back to my childhood - when I was diagnosed with depression, it all began with an episode of SEVERE recurring panic attacks and manic depression. If anyone here is unlucky enough to have ever experienced something like this, you will know how horrible this can be. The panic attacks and depression was so bad, that I am ashamed to say that I nearly killed myself to make it stop. So when I say that I would rather go back to feeling like that, for ETERNITY, than to spend one more moment in the presence of this demon, you will have some idea of how truly awful this thing was. It was PURE EVIL.

It continues its assault on me, and breaks me completely. I have nothing left. I am in a state of total despair. This level of misery, I believe, is truly the nadir of human or spiritual experience. I was crushed and completely defeated. My entire being was pure panic, pure horror, pure despair, shame, guilt and pain.

I feel like I have nothing left to lose, so I attempt to look at this thing in it's face and put up a fight. Whatever feeble attacks I can muster, is surely better than nothing. I "fight back" against it, and suddenly it just collapses and implodes with something of a 'poof'! It was all a trick! A deceiver! It had no true power at all. All it did was trick me into being scared of it! Suddenly the gnomes appear, and they are all laughing at this 'demon'. "Ha ha ha, you've been found out! You pathetic creature! ha ha ha!" they laughed at him. The demon was utterly embarrassed and humiliated at having his mask lifted! Soon, the colours return. The inscriptions and the feeling of bliss returns, and I am overcome with a feeling of pride and accomplishment for having fought back against this thing and exposed it for what it was. Various entities (mainly the gnomes) find all of this completely hilarious, and I can feel that there are many other observers that were watching this cosmic battle - some with interest, some with fear also, and some with admiration. I was very proud and relieved.

I then see something mind blowing - I see MYSELF. Not me the human, but me the spirit. The essence of my being - who I really am! A brave person. A kind person. A force for good. Since the trip, I have done some reading and learned that there is a word for this - my Atman. Just truly mind blowing. I am tempted to take another hit, and to continue celebrating my victory, but I decide against it as I feel exhausted.

Since this fourth and final trip, I feel extremely mentally drained. I feel as if I have run a marathon and I am wiped out. I just don't know what to make of it all. How much of this is real? Are these visions metaphors for things going on inside our psyches, or are they real? What was that thing that I fought? Satan? Is that why they call him a "deceiver"? Any advice or guidance is appreciated as I feel very raw, and beaten up by the experience, equal parts enlightened and confused. I don't think I will ever be the same again. I have decided to take a break before tripping again. To anyone reading this who is considering taking DMT for the first time, I hope that my story here is informative for you. This stuff is not a joke, it is serious, serious business!

Hi lionyang,

I have seen those black clouds too (two trips in a row), but they didn't attack me, and I just observed them. It wasn't scary, just dark.

My post about it if it interests you.
https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=86566


In the end, it was a lesson in many episodes.

You say that words fail you, but you describe your experiences very well. I greatly appreciate you sharing your very fascinating and entertaining stories.

The question of whether or not the things we experience on these substances are "real" does not, I think, have as straightforward of an answer as you might like. Many things are not "real" in the physical world yet exist logically and consistently within the realm of subjective experience that exists within the minds of the people who live within that physical realm, an "illusion" created by the brain to organize and properly process sensory information and guide bodily interactions with the physical world, and that's really the only "reality" that we ever truly consciously experience in the first place. When your sober reality is no more or less "real" than the hallucinogenic realms you perceive with respect to being the only realm you ever actually inhabit, who is to say that other inhabitants of that realm are not just as "real" or complex as you are, regardless of whether or not they, or even you necessarily also exist in any physical way?

It sounds to me like you have fairly good instincts when it comes to handling yourself when exploring these inner realms, and I was very happy to see you come out of these experiences on a positive note and having gained much despite the increasingly traumatic nature of the trips you had to go through. If I wasn't browsing the site past midnight after a long few days with a bong in one hand and a beer in the other I would be able to think of more specific things to say about this but as things are how they are, I at least just wanted to say that I admire both your courage to continue pushing forward as well as your restraint to take a break when necessary and I think based on your experiences that you are in for a long history of very meaningful and transformative experiences with DMT and any other psychoactive substances you choose to work with. I would very much enjoy the opportunity to read about any future experiences you have that you feel like sharing as well as your trips seem very well coordinated and substantial and you do describe them quite well and interpret and portray them in a relatable way.

That's about all I can muster up in my current state of mind but thanks a lot again for sharing.

Thanks Harmony. I have come to similar conclusions myself regarding 'reality'; as you can imagine the last couple of days since that trip have caused me to spend a great deal of time ruminating. As I briefly outlined in my initial post, I have always been an atheist and although I keep an open mind, I have never seen anything remotely convincing in the way of evidence for things religious or supernatural. It goes without saying that these convictions that I held have been turned on their head now.

What really gets me, is that having gone and researched all of this after the fact, is how many other DMT users report such similar things. The gnomes, the brain probes, the Aztec symbols (I had no interest, exposure to, and virtually no knowledge of most of this stuff before tripping, beyond 'seeing the elves' and other DMT tropes). It is so fascinating that we all seem to see similar things, and meet these entities of the same 'species'. I do wonder if this knowledge and data is written into our DNA. It certainly has an 'ancient' feel to it.

With regards to my mood these last few days, I can say that I certainly feel different. I feel "changed" and to use another cliché, I feel that I "found myself" during that fourth trip, where I had something of an epiphany regarding my true identity. I feel calm and relaxed, and I don't want to speak too soon but my anxiety has actually all but vanished since the fourth trip.

The intrusive, negative, thoughts that have plagued me for most of my adult waking life, just seem trivial and are very easily dismissed. The skeptic in me would attribute this to the fact that I experienced something so awful that everything else seems trivial in comparison! In any case, if these effects persist, then I will forever consider DMT a healing medicine and owe it a huge debt. I really hope that these effects do last.

Hello lionyang welcome to the nexus.

As you integrate your experience during your break (which is a great idea in my opponion), have you come across some of the research investigating the neuroplasitc effects of DMT? As I understand it, DMT (and other psychedelics) promote formation of stronger/new neurological connections, helping the mechanisms that keep our brain healthy (a brain "supersupplement" ). Part of your new found calmness and new feelings could be from structural neuroplastic improvements in your brain complementing the spiritual visions and insights you had.

I just wanted to point out this possibility in case you were not aware of it yet.

Cheers.

You're very welcome, lionyang, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts again.

I like to keep an open mind about these things too of course, but I am largely an atheist as well, at least with respect to the way I reject the sort of spirituality and belief systems embraced by modern religious organizations. Though I will not say my convictions have not been shaken from time to time, ultimately when I have these sorts of experiences I find that I come out of it not thinking that life is more supernatural than I thought, but that the things we call supernatural really have a far more natural and rational explanation than I thought, even if I thought that mainly because the explanation that has been previously told to me is not that particular one. While it is easy, I think, to get lost in the realization that those who have seemed so misguided to you for so long may have at least in some ways actually known what they were talking about and having to struggle to piece your perspective on the world back together from there, it is important to remember that the debate of reason versus faith dose not vanish simply because you receive new information that dramatically challenges your own personal conception of what specific logic makes up the reality you inhabit. If consciousness is so complex as to allow for the kind of experiences you have had here, does that suddenly prove there is a divine entity laying it all out for you or that there is something magical about it and beyond comprehension? If you ask me, it just proves that consciousness must have a far more complex scientific explanation than you previously even already gave it credit for and that is in part because we just haven't even come close to fully understanding yet, but I don't see what's stopping us from doing so eventually.

The consistent themes observed throughout these sorts of experiences are deeply fascinating to me as well, and not just on DMT but all powerful hallucinogens, and I feel that those things actually go further to support the argument that what we are experiencing here is merely a very complex, but very rational and scientific process, one which produces reliable and consistent results and rational and scientific processes should, which is to say, for instance, taking an average human brain and adding the unchanging molecule DMT to it, or again any other powerful hallucinogen to it, continues to reliably produce similar, if still highly versatile, subjective reactions no matter how extreme the complexity of the subjective reaction becomes, because no matter how much of the DMT or anything else you add to the system it's still just going to proportionally intensify the reaction. I do also feel though that even beneath this pure drug-consciousness reaction there is something more reliably consistent to the realms that DMT as well as other hallucinogens take you too which contributes to their recurring themes not only with themselves but especially with one another, which again I think can still be explained entirely scientifically rather than mystically, simply in this case having more to do with the typically more underlying functions of the human brain in general rather than its unique interactions with specific foreign molecules, and "written into our DNA" is probably a fair enough way to express that for the moment. I do absolutely believe that psychedelics have the power to unlock subconscious content that we have carried with us through the ages like that, pretty much making it all become conscious as the context calls for it the further and further into such states you push, even all the way up to the level of seemingly intelligent and structurally cohesive inner experiences.

It is wonderful that you feel changed in that way after your experiences, and I very much hope it stays with you as well. Speaking from personal experience with using psychedelics and other similar substances to help facilitate such changes in myself, the main piece of advice I think I would have to give on that would simply be: don't take it too hard when you slip up and fall into your old habits, which you will, and just remember that a true change in your behavior takes time to fully integrate even when you want it and feel ready for it, and all you need to do is get back up and keep on going every time you fall down. People have a habit of coming out of very powerful psychedelic experiences feeling as though they've been permanently changed and expecting it to last, then feeling disappointment when it doesn't and they start returning to who they were, but what they miss is the fact that in the short period after their psychedelic experience their mind is still in a very "pure" and "cleaned out" slate which is why they feel so much freedom and insight in the first place, and as soon as they start working the trials and tribulations of daily life back into the mix those experiences will start recarving the same sorts of brain pathways they always do, as they're just as predictably chemical as anything else. The reason that "integration" is considered such an important aspect of using psychedelics is because the way you change is not just by getting high as hell and feeling better while it lasts, but instead becoming conscious of the things about yourself you need to work on and then paying attention to the way those brain pathways are recarved so that you can use the insight you've gained to actively reprogram yourself to behave in the new ways you want to rather than simply going back to the old routines you've always known. Keep this all in mind, and I promise you will get the calm to really stick around long term.

I also think there is something to the idea that certain aspects of life just seem trivial after such a powerful psychedelic experience. Of course, even that is all chemical; I think it's not unlikely that this is related to how some hallucinogens such as DMT seem to stimulate some of the brain pathways involved in producing the extreme subjective states associated with near-death experiences, thus triggering your "I've realized how precious life is"-type circuits in the same way as a real near-death experience. A lot of scientific research I've seen as of late seems to suggest growing evidence for that theory or at least something along those lines too, including and especially the kind of stuff that Loveall is talking about.

Thanks again for sharing and the responses.