Hi there...
So exactly four weeks ago (which actually feels much longer) I had my first 'proper' DMT experience. I say 'proper' as two years previously someone handed me some in a rolled tobacco cigarette, to smoke to myself and I had a pretty amazing experience just from that, but it left me really wanting to vaporise, which is what I have recently done. I will
try and keep it relatively short...
Basically a small group of very good friends got together for a reunion weekend in a comfortable apartment we rented and smoking DMT became the main focus. Over the course of the weekend I probably smoked it 6 or 7 times. All were amazing, although one was different and slightly unnerving. Kind of more in retrospect too... I'd also like to add that I am not someone chasing 'ego death'. I have read about it, but more from a sociological interest in the people who do chase it. I thought it all sounded a bit too intense for me...
So, the positive experiences I had smoking were incredible... at one point I was led on the sofa viewing this amazing glow covering all of my vision, orange to my left and fading into light blue on my right. Coupled with that though was the feeling of heat on my body from the orange side. It literally felt like I was sun bathing and was incredible! I also at one point looked up and viewed the room containing my friends, some of who were also under the influence. It looked like a classical painting of a Greek symposium with the most amazing lighting!
But there was one trip that was different to the rest... one friend appeared to have a particularly strong experience; out for quite some time, heavy breathing and came round with a huge smile on his face. 'I want one of those...' I (maybe naively) declared. I basically asked for one that was larger than I had previously had. He made it for me, and heated it for me, and I will admit that stupidly I didn't even look at the contents of the bowl or how thick the smoke was before I put my mouth to it and inhaled.
I took one drag on the pipe and that was it. All the other trips that weekend I had come back for a second, even third drag but this one was instant. I heard my friend say 'take another' and had just enough time to say 'Too bi...' and push back the pipe before
everything around me shot upwards at an incredible rate, whilst I also fell down through the ground just as fast (I was at this point sat on a sofa).
The noises I heard sounded like the end of an 8-bit computer game, but more the noises that you've died rather than completed the game. Under that, it also sounded like the chattering voices of everyone I've ever known and I understandably became very scared that I had done too much and wasn't going to come back. I thought of my mother. Classic.
The next thing I remember, it felt like I was shedding things... problems, anxieties, issues, feelings and I seem to remember that the last thing to leave me was the anxiety I had from breaking up with my partner 3 months previously. I felt that leave me and then 'pop' I suddenly found myself floating in blackness, only looking down on myself, floating face down in blackness. The worry of taking too much had also gone. I floated around in literally nothing and felt nothing. I wasn't worried anymore and actually felt the calmest and most relaxed I had ever felt in my life. I felt like I was going to be there forever, this was it now, but that was ok because there was nothing to worry about! Nothing. I don't know how long I was there. Well I do after asking my friends (just fifteen or so minutes) but it also felt like time did not exist in this 'place'. Nothing did.
Eventually after what felt like how long I don't know, as I had no concept of time, there was no time there, I opened my eyes and saw my friends foot! I instantly grabbed for it and clutched his ankle. It turns out I'd moved from being sat on the sofa to being led on the floor in front of it. I was so glad to see that foot. The same friend looked down at me concerned and I thought he was going to tell me we had to leave as I had been there on the floor for two days and it was check out time! He actually said he had to move the coffee table as I had been kicking it. I got up and actually felt great. I was happy to be alive and back and also happy to have just experienced the most 'zen' like feeling ever. Feeling no feelings.
I was ok, and so everything just carried on, no big deal, no one really batted an eyelid. The first thing I wonder is though... is this what is known as ego death? Like I say, I have not been chasing that experience (ESPECIALLY being so new to DMT) but I definitely lost all form of ego in that void...
And then that brings me to the outcome. The weekend continued and all was well. We had a really great time! But as the weeks ensued, I became almost fixated on that experience. To have ended up so far away from what I know as 'reality' and to have such a profound and vivid experience, I felt myself questioning this reality. If I thought about it too much, I would even get a little heart flutter that 'this' is all some kind of dream or not 'reality'. Was I even still in the trip?? That was a scary thought! I did manage to chuckle to myself though, albeit a bit concerning and now 4 weeks later that has all but ceased. Thank God! God...? I best not get onto that
I must also add that the anxieties and literally everything (good and bad) that I shed during that experience obviously did return, it’s not like it rid me of these things for good, but knowing what it was like to feel absolutely nothing is pretty incredible and is something I will try to take influence from in my daily life. I’m pretty sure I will always need ‘help’ to ever reach floating in an endless abyss with not a care in the world again but will aim to be able to switch off my thoughts when I feel it necessary and just generally care less about trivial things. Not the easiest of things to achieve I do understand, but I will practice...
Also, I must admit that I do still feel a slight detachment, but I think that is my brain adjusting to a new (or altered) way of thinking, although one of which I do quite like, and this detachment is also becoming less noticeable. Like the experience turning into a memory. But I do think about things a lot more deeply now. Instead of just casually
being part of this existence and going about my day to day business without much thought, I now think more about the bigger picture pretty much all of the time... I think a lot more about other people's existences, I notice other people more and wonder about their story and think about the great number of people on Earth, but almost from a more matter of fact and less emotional way... That I’m just one of many journeying through my own time here. Quite a solitary feeling, yet coupled with an overwhelming urge to help others on their journey and to try and protect our beautiful planet. And about the fact that we are all stood on this tiny blue dot in Space and about how amazing everything is from a molecular level to the possible infinity of the universe. It's stuff that I would think about from time to time in the past, but it seems to be the foundation for most of my thought now. And that's a lot to think about all the time!
Like I say, I can feel everything settling down now though and feel like I have been left with basically a deeper appreciation for everything. I am definitely more conscious of everything around me now. And not just in my general vicinity either!
And so yeah, I was just wondering if other people had experienced this kind of thing? Whether it's 'normal'? Maybe I had a bit too much? Or any words of wisdom, encouragement or advise?
It was to be honest a slightly harrowing experience but DMT is definitely one of the most amazing and best things I've ever done. I'm definitely going to proceed with care and respect but will definitely be doing it again some time in the future. I'm really looking forward actually! That smell!