So last time I tried about 30 mg of dmt and I had an awesome yet mild experience. I thought I was ready for the breakthrough and this time I tried about 50-60 mg. Same method: my CF Vape.

Anyways, you've probably been there millions of times: I took about 4-5 tokes from my vape and held it as long as possible, everything started melting; my senses were mixing, I started to lose my ego, and I panicked, I tried to hold on to reality and so I wasn't absorbed, I didn't go through and came back to normal. I don't think the experience was negative but I do feel that my ego fought for his life.

Once the melting stopped, I took more tokes and had nice visuals. I think perhaps the CF vape is not so powerful as there was dmt left to do 8 more tokes in a period of like 10 minutes, which means it didn't vaporize all at once the way more powerful tools are supposed to do.

Anyways, in the afterglow I realized how much I loved my mother and felt so much connection to the feminine side, and saw a picture of my mom holding her dog, and saw the dog's eyes and saw so much innocence that I started crying and decided I'm going vegan -that was the initial thought- now I think I will be fishotarian or whatever they call it, I will eat fish, and seafood and egg and milk but will try to go organic.

I then felt like shit because I've always talked shit about women, when I see an ugly woman I say so, etc. and I think this is horrible because now I connected to this motherly love and realize that women are so much love and beauty is so important for them that telling them they are ugly could destroy them and cause a damage that us men can't comprehend. So yeah, now I will be all about love to everyone, specially women. I think I had a karma because of that and now I will pray for forgiveness.

I think this has to do with my near ego death experience.

OK, so the question: You have to let go, right? The ego resists, it won't be easy, but let's say, if I repeat the same dose next time will that also give me more experience in the near-ego death experience before the breakthrough making the whole experience more manageable next time?
In other words, is it productive to keep practicing on this level to feel more comfortable?

It's melting you down a bit, isn't it? Maybe your nurturing side bubbled out while you were a paste of sticky brain goo because you've been repressing it.

Be careful assigning all the power of nurturing to the female side of things. The Chinese got a lot of things right with the yin/yang dichotomy. Yin is female, natural, animalistic, chaotic, dark. Yang is male, ordered, controlled, light. Does that sound backward? It's just another angle.

Your mind is getting a chance to reorganize itself, and remember what's important. The female of every species raises the babies; it's embedded in her biology to nurture. All that dark female imagery from the Chinese is also real, and it's the other baggage she carries.

But you're a man. The disposable one, the sperm donor, the occasional stand-in who has to make up his own role as he goes. The one who has to give up his spot on the lifeboat. Modern civilization allows us to drift very far from our evolved roles, and most men are off in a totally separate world defined by work, money, social rules: order and control.

We are only adapted to be tribesmen and tribeswomen. Half the time we didn't even know who Dad was: there were just a lot of guys in the men's house who helped out around camp and went hunting. Sometimes they liked to play with the babies when they weren't nursing, and they'd take the boys under their wings when they got older.

I don't think you're feeling your feminine side. I think you're remembering how to be a real man.