Had quite an Experience on dmt a few days back. I know how to handel dmt/ayahuasca i did it so many times before. I am real good in letting things go and accepting what is! And almost every journey learns me something or gives me more strength in what i already know. But this time it took me by the balls!

The setting was at home, i have some ledlights in different colors, budda next to me, incense burning and some candels. It was dark outside and i had some spiritual music on.
My set was perfect! (I though)
I made some changa a few weeks back and i was ready to try the new batch. I made it a bit stronger so in stead of 0.12gr i put 0.10gr in my bong. My intention was set (Learn me a new lesson)

I lit up my bong ussing a torch. I hold it 2 inch above my herb holder and smoke starts forming without the herbs catching fire(best way in my opinion) i slowly inhale for as long as i can and hold it in 20-30 seconds. The room starts to change but not that much. Exhale and 2e hit to finish burning up al the herbs. I lay down and pull my blanket over me because i always get cold in the begining of my journey. But it didn't feel like a blanket, it was like paper and it went black i was gone.

In the black void triangles start to form and i started to get really cold. The triangles where getting bigger and then smaller again. It was like they where breathing. And then they where falling point that was facing up went backwards and the bodem came up and disappaered now i was looking in corners and there she was again. I have met this entity before a few times and she always learns me things.

First time i say here she was the most beautiful thing i ever saw dancing around me and then it hit me........It was not here appearance it was what was inside her. She was made up out of love. And it overwelmd me. I could see how much i loved myself, wife, child, parents, family and still had more to give (it's all about love) from that day i loved everything more and more and appreciate everything for what it is.

This time she was wearing a black and yellow catsuit. She comes out of the corners dancing around and disappearing in to the next corner to come out of that one. Sometimes she is far away the next second right in my face dancing and touching her self in a sexy way. As i was looking at her i got the feeling that she was waiting for me to touch her. And then i did...........
Wel i tryed. i wanted to hug her, but i went trough her like she was made up of air and i was falling. And came in the place i call (the mixer) it's like i am being turned insideout! Like a gaint is making bread and i am the dough. This feeling is overwelming and not nice to experience. I have bin there a few times but everytime i think this is to much let it stop. And i know what is coming next........

Memories that are locked away! I think that being the dough of the gaint makes it possible to get through walls i have build up to lock things from the past that i don't want to think about and deal with them. And this time it was time to confront some things i really don't like to talk about.

Growing up my parents got divorced when i was 13 jears old my mom was out of the picture and my father had a bar and was drinking the pain away. I only saw him in the morning the rest of the day he was away. So i had to live on my own. There was no one controling me. And i was mostly on the streets. Met some new Friends (the kind you don't want your kids hanging out with) started doing drugs, steeling some candy a bike and from that piont it went down hill! I did some stupid shit growing up. Dropt out of school, went in to prison a few times and i had lost all of my emotion. I felt nothing anymore. Meeting my wife changed my live. She saw the good in me and stayed by my side. slowly i got out of it turning myself back to a person with feelings and a normal live. And in time i locked all the things away i did because it was not nice to look back at that periode of time.

The feeling i got coming out of the mixer was terrible. i had to see all the things that i had done and feel what it did with the other person. I cried like a baby and it was almost to much to handle. I could not breath my hart was pounding and i was in pain. now i was past that periode and saw how i changed.

Doing good again, getting my emotion back, getting diploma's, having a child and working my way up to the point that i did my first Ayahuasca 2 jears ago. that changed me to a new level! A Spiritual being! Last 2 jears where the greatest changes of my live all thanks to psychedelics. And then it hit me....

Last couple of weeks i ask myself if i do good in my live. If i have earned a places here on earth, but because of my past i doubt alot. I am a good person now but i wasn't always good. And i can gett pissed on that feeling. I hate myself for not always being good. And this was my lesson. I got that way by having the wrong people around me and no one looking out over me. But that is not wat is in my heart. My heart is where i am today, the present the divine!

there she was again this time wearing a pink dress, smiling at me she came over and huged me. Giving me love and wispert in my ear "don't doubt anymore we love u" and i started crying again and came back to reality. Opend my eyes and the room was stil shifting and colors where so bright. I was out for 17 min and the afterglow took about 15 min before the room was back to normal. And i am still not over the experience this one was intens!

I am grateful for the experience! Locking things away isn't the best way of handeling them. It was hard to relive the time that i hated so much about myself, but it is wat it is. I can't change the past i have to except that. I can change the present, here is where i am now and here i have to deal with me!

"If you don't learn from the past you will gett the same lessons over and over again"


Thnx for reading this post i wish u all the best in the world

Beetjehyper, thank you so much.

Reading that post made me feel so happy. And inspired. I'm so pleased for you that you had this experience.

I wish you all the best in the world too

Thnx for your kind words

If my post can make people feel happy and inspired then i'm so glad that i wrote my experience here

Great report, thanks for sharing! Don’t be so hard on yourself being good all the time is an unrealistic goal. We are only human after all. It sounds like you are on the right path by learning from the past and striving to become better with each new experience. Best of luck on your journey!

Thx for the motivation Machiendome,

It is idd my goal to be a better me with each day that passes.
And not being hard on myself for my past was the greatest lesson i had to learn.
I have forgiven myself now, and i am so much more in Peace🙏

On to the next lesson........

I enjoyed your write-up and very much identify with what you were saying about looking back on yourself as a bad person in a given period of time. Being stuck with that idea. I've experienced some healing and release from deep tissue massage, strong psilocybin sessions, and more recently, with holotropic breathwork though I am still learning about this latter method.

I'm having a holotropic breathwork ceremony in october. Hearing good thinks about it
Looking back on yourself and not accepting that it is what it is makes life hard. I'm still so gratefull for the experience because i accept now that i can't change it. I have to make the best out of the present and plan good things for the future. That's the one thing i can do. It gives me joy that i'm no longer the man i used to be and will never go back to that.

Hope u will find peace to and let go of the past to grow in a better future

"Being stuck in the past make u miss all the good in the present"

No problem at all, fellow Nexian!
The mistake is the least important aspect, whats important is the growth and lessons gained from it!

Quotes are fun:

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something."
-Neil Gaiman

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw