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Can anyone relate? Options
 
CraniumCandy
#1 Posted : 5/15/2018 8:42:04 PM

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Around 6 years ago a friend came into my life that changed me forever, he challenged me and got me to get out and enjoy hunting and fishing, hiking and boating, just generally helped me find my passions. We were best friends like we knew each other from day one, we spent mass time together shooting bucks and catching steelhead, we tripped together, I gave him a lot of his first experiences and so did he for me.

The years went by and our friendship only got stronger, his family turned to mine, we started to grow and mature, I really valued his friendship and opinion and he did mine the same. He started pursuing his passion of guiding for steelhead and I helped him start a business with a startup company called ~~~~~~~~~~~. We took time to take pictures and they invested in our fun, the business was on track for success but I wasn’t more a part of it than just for fun. Right before It took off my friend went to a trade show to advertise the new business I helped build, things we’re going great until he met this girl. He fell hard, like so hard he quit the business the day clients showed and it failed terribly, he moved to Oregon for her and we all stayed very close while he was away. We talked on the phone and I watched him change for the worse over the next few years.

The girl ended up breaking his heart two years in so he quits a union carpenter job to bail and come home, all the while I’m supporting him in his decisions and maintaining our friendship. He ends up moving in with me and the wife which was fine at the time because he had lived with us in the past and helped out with stuff. Over 6 months or more of depression, late nights at the bar and hungover days on my couch I grew irritated with him, we had some parties and talked some and got him back out and dating again just for fun. He gets some confidence over the next month and hits up some hot girls and they show interest, this is where it gets weird and we started growing apart.

Somehow over the next few months he develops a fwb situation with an older less attractive (both physically and mentally) woman than anyone he’s dated in the past. They have a secret relationship for a year where lies about her boyfriend are exchanged and admitted to later on, the relationship progresses into Facebook after an entire year of shame and then after another year of telling me and another best friend different stories about his feelings I hit him up with a deep letter concerning what he’s doing to her and his life. He made it clear it was just sex now he’s falling for a really lame girl almost twice his age.

Over these two years he has made countless plans and bailed on me for parties with her and whatever the fuck comes up, turned into the opposite of what I knew him to be. A total flake. We maintain our friendship but it’s getting old, I had to kick him out and luckily his g pa buys him a new place or he would’ve been back with mom. I try to accept his girl but the dishonesty kills me till one day I give him the letter I wrote him. Basically said to be honest with himself and her and don’t make it worse. For the first time in our friendship he doesn’t reply but starts hangin more for a bit and then flakes even worse over the last few months.

This is why I wrote this, I finally told him my feelings, about how I’m hurt and he always treats me like my time isn’t worth it, I tell him if he doesn’t want to be best friends and own up/start going through with plans, I would rather not have him around. He expressed guilt and admitted he was wrong and I invited them over the next day thinking he could explain himself and maybe her too. They show up and we have some people over (they were late) we get to talking and his girl singles me out in conversation. I start telling her to please let up on him and give me some time, try not to make me feel like shit. Also stuff like if she orders parts thru my shop to come get them put on and don’t wait 7 months lol. I was sincere and direct like I’ve always been when he butts in the convo and starts telling me I’m wrong for putting it on her and hurting her feelings, things escalated and some stuff was said but nothing that couldn’t be forgiven. I had to kindly ask them to leave multiple times and he acted like things would be ok the next day.

Two days go by and I call to no answer, so I text and say look dude if you have a problem with me or need to talk just do it don’t hold back. All of the sudden I find out his girl is lying to him cause she accused my wife of telling her secrets to me or some shit and then tells him she’s going to chew my wife out and blah blah because she told her something in confidence. I wrote one of the most sincere apologies to her, bit my tounge hard and she tells my wife that it sucked and wasn’t a real apology, but she forgets I used my wife’s phone to text her it and my wife scrolls up to read it. Well she got pissed really fast. The night before i was asking for an apology and it got totally flipped on me, now I’m apologizing for telling my feelings? In the same text my friend who I thought was mature and I was proud of says he wants to knock my teeth in instead of talking.

My best friend who I’ve spent countless hours with for years, been through highs and lows, watched each other’s families grow and had some of the best times and memories in my life with just betrayed me for a drunk fling twice his age that he accidentally fell in love with and tells my other friend he’s trapped. I had to end the friendship right there, like fast! The anxiety was killing me so I told him in as little words as possible not to come over anymore and if he can to be honest to his next best friend be it her or anyone else.

I realized that he was a toxic person soon after and I made the right choice, sometimes you have people in your life come and go, like ones you truly care about and you thought cared about you. Everyone changes and everyone has their problems, we are all human. One thing I’ve learned is my life speaks to me, the second I let go of his friendship my life opened up, my wife and I had a foursum with some younger like minded people. We really liked it (the whole reason I had to tell everyone jk), we’ve opened ourselves to new people and things and decided change is good. If anyone needs advice or anything at all I’m at a very high point in my life right now and am willing to share my perspective.

TLDR I had a best friend, we grew apart. It contributed to changing my life.

Have a good one guys and gals! Its good to have a bunch of like minded people to express myself to, thanks a lot!
Before enlightenment chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
 

Good quality Syrian rue (Peganum harmala) for an incredible price!
 
null24
#2 Posted : 5/16/2018 5:12:45 AM

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Yes i can relate. Pretty sure we all can.

The disappointments and grief we face over simple friendships in our lives can be more heartbreaking than we go through with lovers. Intimate male relationships are rare. When we find a relationship in which we can share a bond without competition but with mutual support it is difficult when it naturally dissolves.

In a situation like yours there can be a sense of a sort of moral dumbfounding where we aren't necessarily hurt by another's actions directly but we cannot grasp how one can place so little importance in our friendship. We feel betrayed in our time and energy invested in that intimacy. These experiences can inflict traumas upon our heart cumulatively and then we seal it away from future friendships. And then we spend lots of time trying to reopen it with ceremonies etc.

You have done your part as a friend and more. If you're friend is determined to ruin his well being as you think he is bound to then he deserves his own natural consequences. You seem to have a good head to be able to parse it and walk away, however difficult.

Peace to you.
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*
the practical tripper
The American Ascetic Blues

 
Exitwound
#3 Posted : 5/16/2018 7:40:30 AM

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I had experience with one ex-friend.

We were pretty much the best buddies.

When he lost his job, I was there to help him. One year while he was trying to get a new one (job situation isn't good around here) I was at his place basically twice or three times a week for more than a year, with food and drinks. We'd sometimes drink into the morning hours.

I was his best man at the wedding.

When he was having problems with his new wife, I was basically a free psychotherapist for him for another year.

And so on and so on, never done anything to make him upset with me in my life.

But when I got married and got my first kid born, he dissapeared by himself. Stopped calling, didn't come to any events related to birth of my son. Basically it was like he got offended or maybe jealous.

So he basically "gracefully" dissapeared from my life.

True friends are tested only by time. The ones who stay with you through everything really count. Others - they were never your friends.
 
Northerner
#4 Posted : 5/16/2018 8:09:34 AM

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Maybe that's a little ungrateful Exitwound.

People change hey. If there's anything that we can guarantee in life that is that we will change. Sometimes people don't change in the same way, grow apart, become incompatible. That doesn't mean that the friendship was never real.

We should celebrate the friendships we have when we have them. It's common for people to have less friends as they grow older, particularly males.

Let's not lose perspective and become bitter as we grow older. Love
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
 
Intezam
#5 Posted : 5/16/2018 8:38:38 AM

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can try to rem*ve that comp*ny/st*re name ..cause that is real life information
 
Exitwound
#6 Posted : 5/16/2018 10:22:32 AM

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Northerner wrote:

People change hey. If there's anything that we can guarantee in life that is that we will change. Sometimes people don't change in the same way, grow apart, become incompatible. That doesn't mean that the friendship was never real.

Don't get me wrong, I value time we spent together and it was as real as it gets, and it was good while it lasted. Just like with any relationship - let it go when it's over, learn from mistakes, memorize good things that happened, live goes on.

Northerner wrote:

We should celebrate the friendships we have when we have them. It's common for people to have less friends as they grow older, particularly males.

Let's not lose perspective and become bitter as we grow older. Love


True words.
 
dragonrider
#7 Posted : 5/16/2018 1:14:30 PM

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Yeah, i definately can relate to this.

A while ago, i posted a story here about a friend of me who became a neo-nazi. And this was one of my best friends ever. It is still utterly incomprehensable for me that something like that can just happen, but it goes to show that people realy DO change. Positively, but also negatively, unfortunately.

We all go through changes throughout our lives, i think. I am definately not the same person i was 20 years ago.

But the loss of people we care about is always a terrible experience. The relationships we have, define who we are and give meaning to our lives.

I guess it's the price for having a social life in the first place. Like death is the price of living. Rocks don't die. They don't have that problem. But i think they miss out on something as well.
 
Nitegazer
#8 Posted : 5/16/2018 1:45:16 PM

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When someone is in a toxic place pushes friends a way, it can be a bit of a blessing for both parties.

It seems your friend made very clear that he is unable to give back anything right now. Your responding to that cue is respect for who he was and who he is now.

He may change again or he may not. It's not so much that HE is toxic, but that he has a toxin in him. What you first saw in him and shared with him is still true and I hope you can hang on to those memories without bitterness creeping in.
 
null24
#9 Posted : 5/16/2018 4:44:39 PM

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Experiences like this make me keep people at arm's length for extended periods. I used to be very open with my past and far more trusting than i am now. It may be a tad anti social but it serves me well. In just the last two weeks I've had to separate some weeds from my garden that i thought were flowers. If i considered these people good friends already (within 6 months of meeting) I'd be feeling grief, instead I'm thankful for dodging a bullet.

Sometimes people show their best side at first and the misogyny, racism and ignorance comes out once they think they have a "friend".

I do find myself being lonely at times but not so much as to spend time with people i can't respect. Age has shown me the value of friendship and how rare it really is.
Sine experientia nihil sufficienter sciri potest -Roger Bacon
*γνῶθι σεαυτόν*
the practical tripper
The American Ascetic Blues

 
CraniumCandy
#10 Posted : 5/17/2018 3:29:33 AM

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Thanks to you all for your kind and powerful words. I will always cherish my memories with him and recognize that we had great times together but the lying to himself and to me was painful, so much in a way it is just like a non-sexual intimacy and you’ve been betrayed to the core. Seriously never felt this way even when my wife and I argue and shit. Could not be more mind blown over this and I smoke dmt lol. Thanks again, glad people can relate!
Before enlightenment chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
 
CraniumCandy
#11 Posted : 5/17/2018 3:36:56 AM

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Intezam wrote:
can try to rem*ve that comp*ny/st*re name ..cause that is real life information

It seems to be deleted already? My bad I shouldn’t have said that, I tried so hard to not say names and stuff and let that one slip... whoops.
Before enlightenment chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
 
DmnStr8
#12 Posted : 5/18/2018 1:13:24 AM

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Friends will come and go, in and out or your life like a revolving door.

What I have found works best is not to take anything personally and enjoy those who are inside the doorway of your life. Always allow that revolving door to be in working order and you will find friends that have left your life come back in later. People who resonate at the same frequency as you will want to be around you. If the frequency of someone changes they will not be able to be in the same space. Perhaps sometime sooner or later your friend will once again resonate with you again. It's not a personal thing, it a frequency thing.

I have had friends hit me up years later. It is like meeting them all over again sometimes. People change, they evolve and devolve. Just be open to those who empower you and turn away from those who disempower you. The revolving door is a wonderful thing. Say hello with a warm welcome and send them on their way warmly as well.

Always allow people come in and go out of your life in peace!
"Your destiny and the destiny of every living being is to be who you truly are; divine beings full of love and light. Your purpose, and the purpose of every living being, is to heal, serve and love unconditionally in your own unique way." ~Don Juanito~
 
Psilosopher?
#13 Posted : 5/18/2018 4:02:25 AM

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I've noticed this a lot with people who get into relationships, especially toxic ones. Once a friend of mine enters a relationship, they change. Usually for the worse. They become shells of their former selves. In this case, i typically stop interactions with that friend. If i get along with both parties in a relationship, then i don't stop the interaction. Only if the non-friend is toxic, or eating up way too much of the friends time.

How can one help a poor soul like that? I dunno. People are generally protective of anything they enjoy spending time with, regardless of if it is healthy or unhealthy.
"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace." - Buddha
 
CraniumCandy
#14 Posted : 5/18/2018 6:24:47 AM

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I’m really learning a lot, I hate that the brain naturally turns to spite and hate in a hurtful situation for most males. I can only hold so much emotion and pain until it turns into hate and spite, it’s such a natural thing and so hard to stop but I know what’s right and I don’t hate anyone. If I could write a thousand more pages to better describe our friendship it wouldn’t begin to tell the story, I am so astonished but at the same time I’m humbled by it and I expect it from anywhete in the future. Life is too short to worry about lost friendships, no use loosing the time I could be spending creating new ones. Thanks again.
Before enlightenment chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment chop wood and carry water.
 
I
#15 Posted : 5/20/2018 1:17:39 AM

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Friendships are like concerts in that: no amount of effort will bring it back after it's over, and concentration on trying to do so will only destroy any chance of looking back on it favorably. Enjoy those in your life, while they're in your life, and when they're gone, cherish your interaction... But move on; it is, after all, YOUR life! Hate you're going through this,and taking it as a loss; but you've gained years of fond memories, and only resentment can take them from you.
 
 
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