Took 3g of rue and about 14 of old powdered mushrooms (8 months) in gelatin capsules. Based on previous experience the mushrooms are roughly equivalent to 8g of dried unground unaged material.

Trip was going ok but at one point I felt like I got in a loop where I could not form memories. I try to set my mind before a trip to not worry about anything odd that happens and just go with it to see what I learn. That has worked before but it did not this time. I started worrying about memories not forming and realized I could not tell how long this has been going on. Had I been like this for months? Would it ever end? Then I worried that I had stopped time. It made sense because it proved that the world was a simulation and I had broken through the simulation like a software bug that freezes a computer. I felt sad for my family and friends because I had crashed our "real" world. I wanted to go back to the happy blissful ignorance of the simulation. Then my air conditioner kicked in. The sound made me realize that the simulation had restarted and the laws of physics were working again and a wave of relief washed over me.

Despite the panic I felt it was an overall a positive experience now that it is behind me. I've since been reading about serious physicist who think we may live in a simulation (which explains the fine tuning of the universe fundamental constants to enable complex structures and life to emerge).

Thats not a bad trip man. Thats just a pinch. Waking you up to whats happening. Ive heard of entities raping people. Thats a bad trip. Unless your i to that i guess lol

Well it was very terrifying at the time. I really thought I had crashed our universe and paused all existence. Who knows, maybe I did. We can't measure or notice if time stops and eventually restarts with our standard tools.

That's quite a hefty dose to lose it on. At least you're back in one piece I think any of us who indulge in this sort of thing are bound to experience it at some point. In my experience, the positive side is that it's nearly impossible to have a bad trip under the same circumstances again. I can get uncomfortable, but never forget that i've already been through it and it was all in my head

It's good to hear that if I encounter that again I'll have a better chance at accepting it. Thank you!

Fuck bro... That sounds horrible.

I can definitely relate man.

Definitely feel like what you said resonated strongly with what I've experienced.

I disagree that it's not a bad trip, I think maybe if you don't understand what you mean that it can be mistaken for something less than what it was.

Sounds truly horrifying to me.

Definitely glad you saw the positive and were able to move past it.

Curious how you feel today in relation to how you felt right after.

Ahoi Loveall, firstly I am happy that ..


Your described scenario sounds sooo familiar to many of us, I guess. This thought of "Ups... I thought I am going to be safe and now I just fucked up the whole show. This was it. Bye bye sweet life." accompanied by a feelings of disbelief, amazement and a little humour, which turn into fear, panic and sadness. Haha..

It is just an interpretation, an attachment to an idea of the mind, which tries to make sense and understand. To me, these ideas, maybe not in the same way of its presentation but of its meta-idea behind, can pop up again in any unexpected situation. Fear and avoidance just enhance the attachment to these interpretations and enhance their validation (otherwise there is no need to fear and avoid) of my valuation, that this crazy scenario is "bad". There is no bad, there is no wrong, there is what is and this is it, it all. I know you know and I am not telling anyone something new, but to me, it is super important to go with it, even if it is my last time on earth or whatever. What means, allowing and accepting every unimaginable possibility of infinity. It doesn't mean that it is like this, nor that it is not like this and allow all possibilities to be whatever they are and not. Just keep on breathing, relax with love and acceptance into the experience and go on doing your thing. We are going nowhere, we are.

Happy travels, tseuq

Some conclusions which I draw from these kind of experiences:

*These scenarios are more difficult to "withstand" on long lasting agents
*Hyperspace is all
*There are no rules in hyperspace, thus, this might be a good moment to hit the bonga with a cone of changa
*I am alive, thus, this might be a good moment to hit the bonga with a cone of changa
*Heaven and hell = one
*We love you



tseuq

Thanks tseuq, beautifully said.

I cannnot agree more. Your words really resonated with me.

I try to accept it. I try to be an observer full of gratitude and awe at the beauty outside and inside of us, deeply thankful at the chance to contemplate it all. If I fail, so be it, I'm just a part of the whole. It is what it is, and it is amazing.

What you are expressing Loveall, I have experienced many, many times.

Tseuq is correct in that one has to, sooner than later, learn (generally by practicing some kind of regular meditation) to detach and just be an observer. This is not easily achieved. Most people have deep, built-in reaction-patterns that are more or less emotional triggering devices...

I am in no way trying to belittle you nor any experience you've been through, but sometimes I have to shake my head slightly, roll my eyes and chuckle (or perhaps sigh) when I see someone on the forum talking about how they "never have had a 'bad trip' until now"...Or just simply "have never had a bad trip on x, y or z psychedelic substance".

If one has dove deeply into any of the classic psychedelics with any kind of robust frequency, one is going to have a 'bad trip' here and there, it's pretty much guaranteed ime. The serious psychonauts, in these cases will chalk it up to a learning experience and eventually (whether it be a week or a couple years) "get back on that horse and ride" so to speak.

Those who truly believe that psychedelics are all fun, games, unicorns, love, pretty rainbow tracers, etc. when faced with dark, schizophrenia-inducing, effed-up or downright evil trips will usually throw in the towel and mark the end of their experimenting days with whatever psychedelic that they had a bad time on.

I'm not saying either way is wrong or right, however ime some souls are literally made to ingest these kinds of substances for more or less their entire lifetime, whereas the majority of souls are not yet at the level of integration that they can withstand the onslaught of the full power the psychedelics can, and will given the circumstances, unleash.


May we all find our Peace

This ^^^^^ Great reply!

Many thanks, part of this lines up with my early experience so far. I'm a psychedelic newbie really, thanks for taking the time to give a more experienced perspective.

One question I have is, Do you ever feel temporary strong trip memories or sensations while sober? If yes, Do you let them be for what they are? Do you feel like the deep trips change you?

I think I need to meditate moar, that's for sure. Right now I am taking a break from the higher doses after only a couple of intense trips.

Like tatt wrote in many postings, to me, it is all ...

... interwoven ...


... and love is ...



Namaste, tseuq

Offtopic:
Ok, now, after 600 posts on the nexus, which are mainly poetical from a transpersonal perspective, I guess they do not contribute so much practical information to some of the topics, nor allow other fellows to derive anything useful from them. Thus, I am giving my best to provide more valuable intrapersonal information.

Thank you, for promoting me back in the days when I joined the nexus!


Since the beginning of my substance induced psychedelic experiences as a teenager, I have experienced difficult and traumatic situations while floating through sober and altered states. I questioned myself, all and everything, my whole existence, I had the feeling to be lost and disorientated and I guess the most valuable things I learned are that "I am valuable and lovable, unconditionally!" and that there is no need to panic and turn away, ever.

I experience that my most blissful and horrific states, this is related to any situation I find myself in, are all and the same, it just is what is now, and it all depends on how I encounter what is in this particular moment. This is where the "letting go" comes into play.
Holding onto certain ideas is a beautiful thing and I set up own values (f.e. openness, respect, honesty, gratitude, joy, sustainability, ..) as an orientation, as a frame for my actions here on earth (and in hyperspace ). Within these values I set my own goals and these value-orientated goals generate commitment. This creates intrinsic motivation and ultimately sense in my life. I choose (to live) and I am responsible for all my actions and their consequences. There is no more looking away, no more blinks, I take it all straight in my face.

I learned to let go! of my own believes, which my mind makes up and what is the function of mind (conceptualizing, understanding, as a process of evolution), ever and ever again, to be open, to listen and to learn in the here and now (wherever and however that is) and act in accordance with my own values. Letting go of believes does not mean to forget nor neglect nor forbid nor avoid them, my thoughts can be very useful, and not to close my mind up but be open and mindful in every now (see Omega thread).

I have no fucking clue about anything, but this life is a gift to me and I am forever grateful. I appreciate it all, everything, I am part of it, I am it, it is me. To me, there is no low, no high, no good, no bad, it is all different and all the same love, all pure, all one.

Haha.. I guess, I don't want to give up my bardic tributes to life&love completely. I lost myself in a love song and give myself all in ... and beside of that, life just owns me... tseuq

^This made me smile.



tseuq, I am very grateful for your perspective. I'll carry it with me as I move through this life.

Psychedelics found me at the ripe age of 40. Opening up and being able to accept the deep experiences and strong feelings psychedelics catalyze in our hearts was (and still is) not easy for me. I get in my own way sometimes because of the arrogance and ego that where fueled, grew, and were entrenched in me by decades of exposure to the degenerate environment of western culture values: greed, dominance, control, and hubris. I try. I do my best and submit myself, with all my flaws included.

Detaching myself from a bloated ego let me see how lucky I am. My kids. My wife. The plants that live with me. All the other beings I share this beautiful existence with. That is what matters to me now. Everyday I feel grateful when I have dinner with my family. I look at them and am filled with the deepest joy. As my kids laugh and smile at the dinner table, I see them being built molecule by molecule, cell by cell, starting the day their mother concieved. Pure beauty and awe*.

I give thanks to the teacher plants. It's fine if my mind gets lost in them from time to time. I welcome them with the deepest gratitude. They reached me. They gave me back my humanity. Maybe bad trips are part of the process. Without the treacher plants I would have gone straight to the grave staring at stocks and bank accounts in a drunk stupor, feeding my ego with pointless stuff, a shell of a being oblivious to the miracles around him.

*pushing these "sober" feelings aside as they come turns them from pleasant to a struggle for control. I let them be and embrace them. It is what it is, and it is beautiful.

At this point in my life (I am in my mid-fifties), I feel as if I'm lightly tripping most all the time. I simply chalk this up to not only the insane amounts of psychedelics I have consumed over the past nearly four decades, but also to the enormous amount of different meditation practices that I have employed over the same span of time.

This can be both a blessing and a curse when perceived from one particular angle, however I not only agree, but also deeply relate to what our beloved friend tseuq has presented us with here...namely that, I have learned to accept whatever is happening at the moment just happen without judging "this is good", "this is bad", "that is ugly", "that is attractive", etc...

This does not mean that I don't have some days here and there where I just simply feel empty, hollow and absolutely nowhere...But then, isn't that what we are from another, rather valid perspective? I have learned not to let melancholy or depressing feelings worry me because I know that they too will pass just like the clouds in the sky. I just roll with it all.

This is of course a constant work in progress, forever. I have no delusions about this...When I was in my twenties, practicing various yogas and meditations for hours and hours every day while ingesting massive amounts of LSD, mushrooms and Cannabis, I believed there was going to be an end point where I'd be "enlightened" and that would be that and everything would work itself out in the most easy-to-manage way possible. ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

Nowadays, I am simply grateful to be alive as a human and work my old, worn-out ass off out on the ranch, and I will be just as grateful to shed this mortal coil and move on to the next moment whatever that brings. It'll still be here & now no matter what anyway, ad infinitum.


I also heartily concur and laugh along with tseuq's assessment of your "newbie" status after taking the dose you stated you took of the mushies and rue!!! Mushrooms take serious balls to withstand in high doses, and ime it doesn't really matter how old they are!!!

You, Loveall, are a joy to have here on the forum!

Much love & light going out to you!!!

Thanks guys. I've been thinking about this thread and carry it with me. It helps. Somehow it is comforting to share this with folks who understand.

Grateful thanks.

Kinda sounds like an experience I had on mushrooms, minus the rue. Anyways myself and a group of friends hiked to an old indian burial ground on the Appalachian Trail. I believe it was a 10 mile hike in and I was farely out of shape at the time. We set up camp, I end up eating just half an eighth and waited for what felt like a good hour and nothing. I made my mind up right there and then...I'M TRIPPING TONIGHT!

That was probably a bad idea. About an hour after that second dose it finally started to hit. At first it was just weird things I was seeing that was making me uncomfortable. Then that's when I noticed I was super sore and worn out from the hike in. I decided to go up in my tent and lay down....HORRIBLE IDEA!!!

I somehow managed to pass out from exhaustion while starting to come up. I woke up several hours later in what I thought at the time was a tent with no doors filling up with water. In all actuality the tent had sprung a leak and I just couldn't see the door because of it being dark (LOL). This didn't matter at the time! I'm in a sinking tent and I'm gonna die! I literally thought I was screaming in panic, but my friends never heard a thing they said. It was ALL in my head.

Once I finally got out of that tent everything seemed peaceful again. It's really easy to get stuck on one thought when you're on psychedelics! Just let go (or try your best) and things seems to always work themselves out.

My last experience was 7g of mushrooms and 2 rather strong MDMA pills. I thought at the time that was my most profound experience on psychedelics ever. Wow was I wrong...wait until you try DMT! Nothing prepared me for that!

Safe travels!