This was the first medicinal dose I've taken in 9 months. Two grams of assorted aborts, blended and steeped for 15 minutes. A couple ice cubes and some cranberry covers the taste well. I wasn't sure how far down the rabbit hole I wanted to go and aborts are difficult to predict so I drank half of the mix at 6:30 pm, and let that settle in. I proceeded to take a shower to clear my mind and prepare for the trip. As I was getting out I could feel them starting to kick in. I put on some comfy clothes, got situated in my chair and took a small dab. That was when I knew I was going as deep as the fungus would take me.
At this point the gram I drank previously had fully set in and I was back in that ethereal place. The chair was getting uncomfortable so I put on some hang drum music and moved to my bed. Slowly sipping the remainder of my tea, I said some well wishes and thanked the earth and the mushrooms for the experiences they've given me. Every sip brought me further into "their" realm. I sat and let my mind wander for ~30 minutes, pure elation and appreciation for the moment. Staring into my black sheets, the ripples became slow waves of viscous liquid. I let my thoughts come and go without blinking for minutes at a time, only stopping to take small sips of tea. I thought a lot about my friend who ended his life much too soon this past summer. Not helping him more is the only real regret I have in life. The mushrooms reminded me time and time again that I'm here to spread these experiences to those who need them. All tryptamines align my "chakras" and allow me to take in energy from the cosmos, but to do so my neck cranes back so the energy can flow down my throat. I don't know where this sensation comes from but it happens every time without fail. This time as I stretched my neck back, I could see and feel a lush green tree grow out of my spine and emerge from my head, I was reconnected with life.
8:00 pm. Midpoint of the trip, where the struggle always begins. The music had started getting repetitive, as I was listening to one eight-minute drum melody for over an hour. This felt like a great time to smoke and change up the scenery. Heating up quartz and portioning out a dab while tripping is much easier imagined than done. It took every ounce of focus I had but I successfully pulled it off without a hitch. Heavily medicated, my mind was still racing and I knew the trip would be getting dark. Nature docs are my go to when trips get difficult, being reminded there's so much more to life keeps me grounded. I put on the plant episode of Earth, climbed back into bed and got ready to accept whatever was going to happen. At this point the general paranoia and anxiety that comes mid trip was getting intense. I knew I needed help, but I also knew that no one could help. It was on me to get through this, I wanted this, I brought myself here.
Those feelings looped endlessly. My muscles were aching and I was sweating and shivering under my blanket. I knew I had to make something of the pain I was in so collected myself, focused on my breathe and that's when my demons showed themselves. First one came at me aggressive and red, rage, I caught him by the throat and stabbed at him repeatedly until he was subdued. The next two came in a pair, green and purple, envy and something else I haven't recognized yet. I sprayed them down with acid until they faded away, joining rage. The last one was just sitting there taunting me, pitch black, pure hatred. I pushed him down and smothered him in an airtight box. They weren't gone, they were just controlled. I wanted to be rid of them for good. I could feel all the hate and negativity inside me, it was coalescing into one mass at my core that I would later move into my right hand. All of my energy went into condensing and controlling this mass of darkness. I had to purge that hate somehow, part of me wanted to vomit, part of me wanted to cut off the finger where all the negativity was isolated. Thankfully I was still grounded enough to realize that puking all over myself or cutting off my finger wasn't going to accomplish what I wanted it to. This is when I realized we can't truly rid ourselves of demons, we live with them and do our best to keep them docile.
I could feel the darkness fighting back, it wanted to be free so it could consume me again. If it couldn't be purged, it had to be crushed. I compressed that ball into a singularity and packed it away. It's still there, it will never leave, but for now it's contained and I have peace along with a new way to confront my negativity. This whole process took maybe five minutes. After I collected myself and regulated my breathing the anxiety loops began once more.
9:00 pm. I was exhausted and just wanted the experience to end. I had spent too much time on the other side. But I was the one who wanted this, I brought myself here. I wanted the comfort that I thought THC would bring, but it had only been fifteen minutes since I smoked last and I needed to find a way to manage my thoughts naturally. The only relief came in small waves as I gave in to the mushrooms and accepted what I was going through. Trying to control your thoughts in this place is futile, and your struggling only makes it worse. Cold sweats continued as I did everything I could to make myself comfortable and hold onto my sanity. It was around 9 pm and I was falling deeper into my anxiety. I hit that frightening point where you know you're coming back as a stronger person, or your friends are gonna be visiting you in the loony bin. I needed help but I was alone and in no shape to reach out to anyone. I re positioned myself on my knees facing my clock and buried my face into my sheets. As my vision blurred I asked the universe for help, I was enveloped in darkness and Gaea showed herself to me. She told me to hold on five minutes at a time, and that I'd be able to smoke if I made it to 9:30. Not with words but I could sense what she needed from me. This was everything I needed, hope and a goal.
I kept my face buried in my bed, praying to the earth and time to help me hold on for half an hour. I'd look up every five minutes hoping time was moving faster than I was perceiving. Sometimes it felt like I was seconds away from comfort, other times I would look up to see the clock had moved backwards. Finally, the clock hit 9:30, the simple knowledge that time was still passing brought me an unbelievable amount of relief. I was still in their realm, but I was slowly slipping back to reality and regaining control of my mind. I worked my way back to my chair and started the arduous process of heating up my rig. I spent the next ten minutes before smoking, processing what I'd just experienced, and thanking whatever energy helped me get through that time. Smoking brought the trip back up to 90% but I was in a more positive mindset and able to handle my thoughts more rationally. As I moved back to my bed, passing by the remaining sips of tea, I stopped and thanked them for always showing me what I need. I curled up in my blanket and tried to come to terms with the night. I was still peaking pretty hard but compared to what had just happened, I felt almost sober. I spent another hour watching planet earth and going over the events in my head, slowly coming to grips with how this would affect me.
The rest of the night was spent smoking oil and playing drums. I've written this only one day after the trip, and I'm still piecing it all together. If you've never seen the other side, this will probably sound like the ramblings of a mad man. All I ask is you keep an open mind, the universe has lessons for us that can only be received through plants and molecules. Mush love and safe travels.
(Posting here because I don't have access to the mushroom sub forum, hopefully a mod can move)