I really like this Jees. And I think I get what you were saying about "grief" and the "difficult" one whole that is always two-sided and yet one whole at the same instantaneous paradoxical moment.

It is one thing to come to an intellectual understanding of paradox. And that is a good thing.

It is wholly another to be directly confronted at the depths of one's being with the paradoxes of existence. And to suffer that directly? To bear the unbearable?

Maybe spirals are a way to conceive of the cycling back and forth between release and freedom and being beholden and the suffering of existence?

I keep coming back to what seemed to be too much for me at another time, and what was felt to be unbearable suffering becomes bearable and is even felt as grace or what Ram Dass calls "fierce grace."

I just got back from the mountains and a solo trip of wandering, meditating, and cold water entry.
So much cold water! So much grief!

I suffer the cold water, and then in another moment, there is so much joy. And I can't get enough of it. I keep going back to the cold water.

It's still painful. It's freaking freezing water. But, somehow my relationship to it is richer than it was. It is also joy and bliss and the blessings of more life.

Like you said. In the Tao, there is no end.

Thank you so much for your fine contribution, much appreciated
What a great thing to do that mountain trip, really cool (choice of words )

To live the paradox is indeed not the same as smarting it out.
I realize it's never gone no matter the wrap one gives "the unbearable".
In playing with it, the creative possibility arises to nerdy extract it.

Please allow me to refer to a post I made earlier in another thread where I tried to play with "ordeal".
I believe it is enough related to mention at this point.
Healing through Aya & Temazcal


Cheers!

I find it very interesting that humans have an immense capability of hiding unwanted or unpleasant things from ourselves. Whether or not it is on purpose, it is still there. We can push it down and suppress it but with psychedelic use, it doesn't take long for it to resurface and be thrown in our faces. That is one of the scariest parts for me especially with DMT...I know I will be peering deep into my own soul, and it can be disheartening if you don't like what you see or find there. I have been learning to use this as a tool to improve my inner self rather than just being scared of it and suppressing it, like I used to (mainly from years ago when I would eat mushrooms damn near every 4 days pretty much for the fun of it with no real intentions). As I have grown older, I've realized that these experiences are a wonderful gift from...well someplace wonderful I'm sure. They are probably the most beneficial tools in existence and it has taken years and years for me to even begin to understand how to even use them to benefit my waking reality.

For instance, I drink a lot less than I used to, but I feel like I still do it too often and is something I am working on...no hard liquor, sticking to only a few beers a few times a week. This was brought to my attention in the breakthrough described in the first post. Years ago I kicked meth addiction and cigarette addiction (meth free for about 3 years now and cigarette free for 1 year as of October) through hard work and dedication so it bothers me that drinking was trying to take the place of other addictions that have ceased to exist.

The entity showed me this, I already knew it but was never shown in such a profound way. I've been known to have an introverted yet addictive personality, which has led to some very interesting and sometimes stressful situations in my life.

I think it is very important to be able to see every aspect of "self" and what that even means in relation to a trip. We break down internal barrier walls and are often surprised at what we find behind them but if we really think about it, we were probably well aware of our "evil" within. After all, we all have baggage, we all have secrets, we all have problems that we need to come to terms with. It isn't anything new, as we are all human. And being human means we are not perfect, but we can always strive to make ourselves better. That usually means we have to take the ugly and evil parts of ourselves out back and smash it into dust! I'm kidding, of course. It isn't that easy. Finding rational solutions to intricate internal problems is a lifelong process.

One step at a time is the approach I am taking as of late. I've been learning a lot thanks to this place. I feel like I just made a baby step in the right direction in terms of integration of this experience.

I have trouble relating to your trip report because you've been someplace I have not experienced yet, but it sounds enthralling.

You call it a hyper-slap but you speak of it in the most beautiful and reverent ways. Would it be fair to say that the experience was beyond dualities like pleasant / unpleasant? I get the impression you are very grateful for the experience, if you forgive the pun.

I'm so happy for you.

Glossy

P.S. Congrats on quitting cigarettes. Those things are nasty.

Shoot y'all, with discourse like this, we may run out if questions! Then again...

It speaks to a deep immutable love of creation, that so much suffering can be endured, for the sake of moving into the next moment of experience.


Beautiful work, folks.

Thanks!

Oh yeah, it is definitely beyond any simple and wordy descriptions! Am I grateful? Absolutely! Although it was a pretty terrifying experience at the time. Completely unexpected and so different to what I had experienced before. If anything, it was incredibly humbling. It showed me what I know as well as many things that I didn't know, if that makes any sense. Like I was getting at in my post before this one, I was able to look deep inside myself with the help/guidance of an Entity. That was weird enough by itself right there, having never met an Entity before. Then having said Entity show me a series of events, which I have trouble recalling all the details but I got the point...

I don't know, I can't pretend to be some wise expert on anything (except perhaps music... ), because I'm not. All I know is that DMT is wild and I couldn't be more thankful for the knowledge found here which has guided me through up to this point. If there wasn't such a strong like-minded and community vibe, I think I would be pretty lost in relation to this experience. It is a blessing to be able to share and discuss. It isn't something I get a lot of in my personal life sooo....anyway, I'm rambling now!



Indeed!

Thanks so much Jees. I read that post about the "sweat lodge" ordeal.

I like what you did there, where you play off the pain and the experiencer of the pain and how they "eat" each other in an intense ordeal.



I see Grateful's encounter with the entity in a similar way. Something that is both autonomous and is also one with us, an entity, confronts us with its reality. The ambiguity in which the entity and the self are both one and different at the same time is itself a blessed "place" that is no place.

And there is no place to stand. Preserving the paradox and the ambiguity is, to me, crucially important.

It is most important to the actual reality of living the paradox, of sweating the sweat, of encountering the entity, of living this life.

And as you said Jees, it is not solvable. To solve to paradox would be to lose the paradox.

To preserve the paradox is something else entirely. To preserve the paradox is to be open. It's as if a whole new field has opened up in which explanations and solutions are not as important.

Explanations are okay. Solutions are local and temporary. But the playing of the instrument becomes a running improvisation in which the moment of not having an explanation and not having a ready made solution is absolutely crucial to being open to what is. To whatever is or may be.

That I don't know. And thank the sweat lodge, and the entity, and the freezing cold water for surprising me and for making what i knew in the past completely obsolete.

Thanks null, for that comment. I like how you combine the enduring with birth of the new. It's as if the enduring of suffering and the acceptance of ourselves as we are is what gives us the organs and the eyes, the senses to appreciate.

So good to read we're all working on it, living it, perhaps in different forms from different angles but still same old "facing it" and paying the price.

There is no scientifically satisfying proof but I feel (while trying hard to avoid cult thought here) that the efforts radiate and transcend personal borders, affecting space and time.

IMHO it boils down to having "no choice".
The alternatives not really living up to their pretended definition.
The game is on and we're center staged, relentless.

Yet holding that ace-card close by in the sleeve that says: "It's only that", ready to out play raging at the paradoxes terms, at any given moment suiting to my capacity to process. That card saved hearth overload few times, realm independent.

I love you guys

I am with you guys, we all are.

Experiencing the complete dissolvement in the mysterium raises the phoenix, the brightest light in the universe, it is fully commited to and flows like an infinitely burning river of fire in the now, reflecting its own creator.

all love, tseuq

This was a fantastic read, thank you all for contributing and sharing. Your eloquence amazes me

Special appreciation to tseuq and drfaust, who have a fantastic way with words, and painted incredible images with such simplicity and genius.

Love you people, beautiful thread.

My first entity contact was with a jester who looked alot like a blue meanie ( from yellow submarine ). He was pedaling a bicycle type device which controlled everything. As I awoke/arose from a sleeping position in my cacoon I looked over to see him there. He assured me that this "space" is real, and this is really how it all is. Funny thing is, that was my first entity contact, and I have yet to see another entity since ( even after quite a few journeys ). I sometimes feel their presence and inspiration, but they are void of my realm for the time being. I loved how he looked like a blue meanie though.

Time sure does fly by! It is hard to believe this experience was over two years ago!



This is almost exactly the same for me. I still don't see many entities and in the rare cases that I do, they aren't nearly as "involved" as the one in this experience. My girlfriend, on the other hand, finds that she almost always encounters entities. It is an interesting contrast.

I'd love to meet that blue meanie, though! Thank you for sharing your experience!