I don't know if I expected entities or out of body experience or what, there is no way reading trip reports could possibly prepare me for what happened.

Metaphorically, DMT is like an intellectual black hole in that once one knows about it, it is very hard for others to understand what one is talking about. One cannot be heard. The more one is able to articulate what it is, the less others are able to understand. This is why I think people who attain enlightenment, if we may for a moment comap these two, are silent. They are silent because we cannot understand them. Why the phenomenon of tryptamine ecstasy has not been looked at by scientists, thrill seekers, or anyone else, I am not sure, but I recommend it to your attention.

~ Terence McKenna, The Archaic Revival: Speculations on Psychedelics, Mushrooms, the Amazon,
Virtual Reality, UFO’s, Evolution, Shamanism, the Rebirth of the Goddess, & the End of History. (1991).

Coming back after a sleep and a little time to integrate I find myself with even more questions than answers to what happened... if people could be kind enough to lend some insight.

Did I black out the first time? How come it seemed so short whilst so much time had passed? Others have expressed the time under seeming like an infinity whilst in fact the duration was short, my experience doesn't match.

Did I "break through" or was I just looking at the CEV's on the back of my eyelids? Is it the same thing? How do I know?

I've had a couple of psychedelic "flashes" for some seconds today. Is that common? Someone came in my lab to talk to me just now and I had a flashing grid in my vision when I started talking to them. It was very distracting, what we were talking about was fairly complex. My brain function appears very good though, otherwise. I'm focused and able to everything I normally can with ease, there's no fear... just more questions.

*note: the dose range in this report is highly inflated, there is no reason to ever dose this high*

the first time I consumed N,N-dimethyltryptamine I smoked 200mgs of translucent yellow crystals of DMT free-base on top of a small amount of high-grade cannabis (about 0.35g cannabis). I consumed the entire contents of the smoking utensil in a single inhalation. I held my breath, in less than 5 seconds an intense rush began, first I felt more intoxicated than I had ever been, then, pure awe, "I don't believe it!" I kept repeating in my head, "this is impossible".... my surroundings began to quiver and slither apart, faster than anything I had ever seen before, everything began moving away from everything else in a mash of brilliant color and geometric form, with blinding speed and intensity, before fully shattering the "reality" in my visual and mental field...

It came on like a freight train, completely unstoppable, I remember thinking "oh fuck! Get this stuff out of me!" And frantically trying to exhale, keep.n mind that I still had not had the chance to even count to 10, or even fully exhale. It was pure terror, I thought "now you have done it! You killed yourself!" After brief mourning at the life I had just departed from I began to pay attention to the present, I remember feeling like I was at the bottom of a foggy mountain with dirt roads, the clouds felt like a domed ceiling, everything was wet, misty, cloudy and rainy, I was overcome with an intense feeling of panic and deja-vu, I felt like a lost child, everything I knew about who I was or my life or earth seemed like a distant dream, like I dissolved out of existence, I knew that I had died, I knew that I was dead, and I was certain that you had been here before, the dejavu was as intense as the terror and awe and I was emotionally overwhelmed while confronting the event of my death.

Just like sand slipping through finger cracks I tried to hold onto this all as my entire identity as a human was dissolved, I remembered my name, the earth, my family, who I was, being a human, and life, but like grabbing at smoke, it was futile, everything slipped away and nearly faded entirely out of my memory, impossible to cling to all this, I had to let it go...
I kept thinking "what the fuck was life?"

...I could not tell if I was breathing or not, I would take air in, but couldn't feel it, I began taking in rapid, deep, panicked deep breaths, thinking that none of the oxygen was entering my system or reaching my lungs, then noticed a pain in my chest...

A giant mantis like being had its claws in my chest! It proceeded to tear open my chest and stomach removing all my organs and insides, I was about to go into shock when I saw a bright green light flash over my shoulder, it nearly hit me, it then became a beautiful fractal-geometric object, morphing and color changing, at times it was metallic at other times it was a beautiful jewel, and all the while to look into it was to view endless geometric fractal patterns, moving, morphing, and changing color.

The mantis then put this object in my torn up body, he began to make billions of these objects, each one unique and radiating beautiful colored light, and the mantoid filled my body with them, billions of them, becoming small as atoms to construct the new insides and organs of my mangled corpse, then I was sealed up and propelled into an orange light where I was resurrected, my conscious-being (soul) was becoming reunited with the physical world...

...then I felt as if I was being pushed head first through a thick gelatinous membrane, violent gesticulations of the membrane surrounding me were forcing me through this thing...I was being born!...

...slowly I began to recognize my surroundings, my face still covered in tears, I looked up and saw the branches of a tree in the yard all slither in sinister fashion in from all directions to take place and solidify as the tree in the distance, the world began to slither back into place, most things moved in an elegant liquid serpentine slithering motion, or like the dancing movements of a flame, I was deeply reminded of psilocybin.

As the world constructed itself back into the familiar, so did my conscious state and memory, I was still disoriented, and fairly traumatized, I thought I had been gone for millennia, "how long was I gone I asked?"....

"about 20 minutes" was the answer

...those who were there said in reality I curled up into a ball and began to cry for 20 minutes.
I was wondering why my face was wet, because it felt like I had actually just been through being born, I was still covered in tears and shaken, I felt like I had been "turned inside out", then that I had died, been dismembered, rebuilt, and resurrected, everything was in a state of complete restructuring, I was a entirely new person, truly reborn, seeing the world through new eyes...

The immense deep spiritual and psychological implications of this experience left me for ever transformed, reborn as a new person entirely, it was the single most meaningful thing that has ever happened to me, and changed me in many significant ways, all for the better.

( I was not looking for enlightenment, awakening, or answers, I was not looking for transformation, and I really did not expect much, I was simply curious...most people expect a good deal and have set goals or specific reasons for ingesting the compound, and while this is fine, it's entirely unnecessary. )

-eg

*in reference to Siberian shamanic initiation*
Often these initiations by either another shaman or the spirits involved a traumatic visionary death and rebirth experience. Sometimes this included a journey to the underworld, meetings with deities and the would-be shaman’s body being dismembered and then put together again
http://www.newdawnmagazi...ts-of-siberian-shamanism

The actual initiation can be equally excruciating. Most initiations in most cultures involve a symbolic death and rebirth: the candidate 'dies' to his old identity and is reborn to a new one. Shamanic initiates often experience this resurrection in gruesome ways. When the rai (spirits) make a shaman in western australia, they take him to their home.
'There they cut him up and hang up his insides...his body is dead, but his soul remains there, and on the order of the rai to look steadily at the part hanging up, he recognizes [his organs]. His body is put over a hot earth-oven, with magic cooking stones in it, and covered with paper-bark. The perspiration streams down. The rai replace his insides and close up the flesh. He is told that he can henceforth travel in the air like a bird or under the ground like a goanna...
....

Stories of disembowelment, dismemberment, and reassembly ( usually with magic stones or crystals inserted into the shamans frame) are best understood in this light.

-Hidden Wisdom: A Guide to the Western Inner Traditions
By Richard Smoley, Jay Kinney; page 161

The initiation is understood as a process of death and rebirth: “first, torture at the hands of demons or spirits, who play the role of masters of initiation; second, ritual death, experienced by the patient as a descent to hill or an ascent to heaven; third, resurrection to a new mode of being – the mode of ‘consecrated man,’ that is, a man who can personally communicate with gods, demons and spirits. For initiatory death is always followed by a resurrection; that is, in terms of psychopathological experience, the crisis is resolved and the sickness cured. The shaman’s integration of a new personality is in large part dependent on his being cured

-Written by Mircea Eliade, the entry for Shamanism in vol. 19 of Man, Myth and magic

The priest is the socially initiated, ceremonially inducted member of a recognized religious organization, where he holds a certain rank and functions as the tenant of an office that was held by others before him, while the shaman is one who, as a consequence of a personal psychological crisis, has gained a certain power of his own.
A shaman may be initiated via a serious illness, by being struck by lightning, or by a near-death experience (e.g. the shaman Black Elk), and there usually is a set of cultural imagery expected to be experienced during shamanic initiation regardless of method.

According to Mircea Eliade, such imagery often includes being transported to the spirit world and interacting with beings inhabiting it, meeting a spiritual guide, being devoured by some being and emerging transformed, and/or being "dismantled" and "reassembled" again, often with implanted amulets such as magical crystals. The imagery of initiation generally speaks of transformation and granting powers, and often entails themes of death and rebirth.
http://www.crystalinks.com/shamanism.html

Did I "break through" or was I just looking at the CEV's on the back of my eyelids? Is it the same thing? How do I know?

Thanks for sharing your experience eg. That's really intense, actually quite horrific. I've been dosing with 100mg 1:1 changa. No where near that level... I would be quite scared to take that much DMT knowing what 1/4 of that with an MAOI can do to me.

I didn't think about death or dying, it was more that I had never existed before and that these were the moments of my creation and elevation sped up incredibly quick. I've had some time to better understand what I saw and am better able to describe it now.

I was in the void with twisting shapes, I couldn't think or feel anything. I saw a seed spout a shoot and that shoot bloom into a growing foetus, being fed by the seed. As the foetus grew it was encapsulated in a skin that became round and formed a planet. I came down to the planet at hyperspace speeds, almost instantaneously. Stood on the edge of a forest looking down on a small valley, a man rose from the earth with his arms wide out. Energy was flowing upwards through the man as he rose out of the earth. The planet was channeling energy through him and it was spraying out of the top of his head in a cosmic radiance. Then suddenly I was being pulled in by the energy towards him except I didn't go up through him like the rest of the energy, but straight into his head. Then my vision whited out and I was back in the void again with the twisting shapes. It seemed I was that man for a fleeting moment, but then I was nothing again. The textures and colours were indescribable, not to mention the angelic beauty of the whole vision. Everything about it was magical and pulsating.

I had quite a bit of reintegration issues through the weekend and into Monday too. I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd seen and ended up having to draw and write it out to the best of my ability. Even after that it still took me another 12 hours and a long sleep to come right and be able to function properly again, rather than walking around in a preoccupied daze.

I've a better understanding now what happened, certainly a lot more respect for the substance. I won't be taking it so quickly again after having such strong experiences. I'm still on the fence whether I was being shown intrinsic truths about the universe or it was all just a self generated hallucination. I guess it doesn't really matter though, in terms of perception.

Funny thing, since that last experience I've got absolutely 0 desire to trip again. The last half a dozen times I couldn't wait for the next time and had to force myself to wait to integrate. This time is a more of a "waiting till I feel like it's right" sort of feeling. I don't know when that will be... 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, ever. I really don't know.

It's strange that I could feel so enticed by something and then suddenly so ambivalent about it in just a few minutes. It's not like I had a bad experience. (though it was very strange)

Anyone else had a complete change of heart towards DMT, in an instant, after a trip? Is this common?