5g psilocybe cubensis
300mg harmala (harmaline/harmine) 70:30
I decided to write up this report, after coming across some artwork that reminded of me of it (attached below), and reading Echkart Tolle.
August, 2015.
After reading a short story about a Christian becoming born-again and closer with his God of his understanding after an experience with psilocybin mushrooms, instantly I knew, I was going to dose again.
The fear came shortly after.. The decision had been made, there was no going back. I was only 1 1/2yr sober, since my last use of dissociative drugs, the mystical experience, and the beginning of a new way of life with my higher power. The fear that I was making a mistake, that this was just a manifestation of my addicted brain. It especially felt this way, since the way the decision was made, instantaneous and undeniable. I knew that I was going to do it, that is identical to the decisions made in the hellish state of addiction. And I am sure, they are closely related...
So I take the dose. And it comes on fast.
The last thing I remember, roughly 20-30minutes after finishing the mushrooms, is the face of my best friend, and the thought, do I love her?
Reality, and sense of self is obliterated, My vision is in multiple directions, I experience time as short term frames, which then dissolve and lose all meaning. I become totally present.
What have I done? Did I make a mistake? Am I in the K hole?
This fearful state cycles timelessly, for what seemed eternal.
I gain some footing, lie on the bed, I feel as if I am in a graveyard, there is darkness, ghosts, emptiness, but I am not afraid any longer. And I see it. First it comes as symbols, it comes as a crucifix, with blinding light behind it. Then the pyramids, Egyptian, Aztec, monoliths. A yin yang. Then it dissolves into something unfathomable, ineffable, indescribably
big. It was the Source. It was the singularity, a Mandelbrot set. It was light, but it contained complete blackness within its point. Luminous darkness. Fractals continuously out-flowing and in flowing from infinite curvature.
I fell to my knees. Oh my God. It was so much greater than anything imaginable. And I was NOTHING.
It was so powerful. Indescribably so. I can best describe it through math, (as it did resemble the mandelbrot) subtracting 1 ( I was the 1) away from infinity, still is infinity.
โ - 1 = โ
It was the source of all life,
it WAS life. it Was the universe. It was eternal. Timeless.
And it was Good.
It was continuously creating, evolving.
And I was it too! ALL of it was within me. Even though I was nothing, I was EVERYTHING too.
It was non-duality.
Today I was reading Echkart Tolle and came across this
Echkart Tolle wrote:
As you go more deeply into this realm of no-mind, as it is sometimes called in the East,
you realize the state of pure consciousness. In that state, you feel your own presence with
such intensity and such joy that all thinking, all emotions, your physical body, as well as the
whole external world become relatively insignificant in comparison to it. And yet this is not a
selfish but a selfless state. It takes you beyond what you previously thought of as "your self."
That presence is essentially you and at the same time inconceivably greater than you. What I
am trying to convey here may sound paradoxical or even contradictory, but there is no other
way that I can express it.
It was so beautiful. And it was nothing but Love. This incredible gift, so freely given. I was so grateful. I began to cry.
I thought immediately, I am not ready for this. I do not deserve this!
But, as whole and as infinite as it was, it needed me too. Physical life was on the 'event horizon' of the singularity, so to speak.
It had both negative and positive dimensions, two points of infinity, separated by an asymptope, they approach infinity, but they can never touch. Like seen in the Mandelbrot. As well as in yin yang. or even the โ symbol, two loops.
This was duality.
Creation, evolution, curiosity, growth. It had to happen on interface between these two. Between action, and thought. One could not reside in one or the other.
Physical life, was vital. It WAS the very interface, the bridge, the communication, between the singularity.Life is to learn, to grow. It all happens on the interface. We can't stay in one side or the other. We must live on the interface, embrace change. To embrace the paradox.
By this point, 6 hours had passed. I spent next couple hours jumping between the two, most notably thought and action, staying on the interface, to avoid falling into the dark hole of insanity and fear.
For the last 4 hours or so, I had visions of humans, our emotional minds, consciousness and social behavior, and I witnessed a growth in consciousness. I became acutely aware of my behavioral and emotional patterns and neural circuits, including those of addiction. It felt as if my brain had been built for this level of consciousness, or at least the pathways, the circuits that were activated, felt as if they were always there.
This part of experience felt very different from past experiences, my brain circuits felt as if they had changed a great deal since the last time (Dec. 17th 2011, roughly the same dosage
https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=28050 ). I felt more disciplined, as if the emotional reactionary circuits had less power over me than they used to, and this allowed a freer, unburdened kind of consciousness. Perhaps due to the step work and changes I had made in my life in the past year.
While this experience frightened me, and I was worried about If I had made the the right decision, it turned out to be one of the most incredible and amazing experiences I have ever known. And I still feel undeserving, who wouldn't? My ego. But I do feel like I am on the right path. More than ever. I am so grateful to be part of it, to be included in THAT.
Mindlusion attached the following image(s):
good.png
(870kb) downloaded 224 time(s). good2.png
(991kb) downloaded 218 time(s). good3.png
(903kb) downloaded 217 time(s). I5CqC.png
(350kb) downloaded 213 time(s).Expect nothing, Receive everything.
"Experiment and extrapolation is the only means the organic chemists (humans) currrently have - in contrast to "God" (and possibly R. B. Woodward). "
He alone sees truly who sees the Absolute the same in every creature...seeing the same Absolute everywhere, he does not harm himself or others. - The Bhagavad Gita
"The most beautiful thing we can experience, is the mysterious. The source of all true art and science."