I had a really bad ayahuasca trip that almost destroyed me. It was so bad that if I would have had a gun I probably would have used it on myself. I don't feel like me anymore. Nothing makes since to me now . I was just watching tv and as I looked at these superstars that I once envied I seen nothing but a bunch of pink talking monkeys that were no more important than I am. Most people say that I'm a attractive guy and It was something that I was really proud of but now I don't have a care in the world about they way that I look. I also have a really good job that I worked hard for but now seeing how I don't enjoy it I almost don't even want to show up. Everyone keeps telling me that I seem different and that I'm so much nicer but I haven't told anyone about my ayahuasca experiences. I feel lonely as if no one understands me. It feels like I'm the only one on the planet that's snapped out of the matrix. Ayahuasca showed me that I need to fix the relationships with my loved ones yet I still cant seem to forgive them for the things they have done to me. I know I wont be truly happy until I do and I am trying. This is so weird.

Forgiveness is never easy. It's easier to stay angry with some rather than forgive them. But forgiveness will repair wounds. Staying angry with someone is like keeping the wound open. Close the wound and forgive.

Feeling lonely is OK. Everyone feels lonely at some point. If you're lonely, go out and connect with people. Many people wont connect with you. That should not be a deterrent. There are 7 billion people in the world. There are always people that will understand you. Don't give up. Live life with purpose. The universe will unfold, as it should.

...let us briefly remember, this is a 18+ forum......

Imagine you are the ayahuasca (personified), wouldn't you digg inn into fresh, tender, crispy, juicy illusions, if that formed part of theirs/yours/ours natural diet?

Hey, man (or woman)... you are not alone!!!

Ayahuasca isn't called vine of the dead for no reason!

You aren't the only one that has been "pulled out of the matrix". You definitely aren't the only one who has undergone what I would definitely classify as a traumatic experience.

I struggled with forgiving people in my life heavily. Ultimately, you've gotta realize that they don't know any better! My parents raised me (poorly) according to the best of their abilities... Your parents love you (almost definitely) and are just regurgitating how their parents raised them, in addition to their own life experiences. It's very easy to be harsh on your loved ones, but at the end of the day, I find it best to appreciate what they have given you, and make the most of it. Their flaws are the ones that it is your duty to correct, for the betterment of society! Consider it a duty and an honor

Don't give up your job. Things might seem a little flaky now, but after you deal with these emotional issues related to your loved ones, the job will start to make more sense. Everyones' gotta give or the whole system collapses. You have a nice job you like (to some degree anyway... why else would you have picked it?), and no matter what this is, it is surely a positive thing; for humanity, and at the least for your finances. Life is like a s*** sandwich; the more bread you got, the less s*** you eat. There is nothing wrong with making money and living a comfortable lifestyle, no matter how much some (hippie types) might lead you to believe otherwise. You have (probably) got the weekends, or at least a day off or so a week... pick up a fulfilling hobby!

Eat well, sleep well, and think well, and you would be surprised where you get.

Feel free to message me anytime.

All the best,
anon_003

Hey, that makes a lot of sense!


Perhaps start with trying to understand yourself?


Have you never done anything bad unto others, even loved ones? You don't have to accept all that they do or have done to you. Just accept that they are who they are. If you also accept that you are who you are, you can probably work it all out. Just give it some time.

Good luck and enjoy life.

Doesn't sound bad at all. It sounds like you've entered The Space between Stories.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

You see these realizations as negative?

It sounds like the ayahuasca removed your illusions...

http://dharmawisdom.org/...s/forgiving-unforgivable
This link provides some insight into forgiveness.

If I'm going to commit to an action, I'm always certain to be mindful of the motivations, is this a selfish act or a selfless act?

-eg

I don't think this is negative either, and I can't imagine that your peers would think it was negative....



I've always been a pretty ugly looking person, but it's never held me back, and it's never bothered me, honestly, looks really account for very little, it's what is inside that is going to ultimately influence things.

we know that it is ego, attachment, and desire that lead to suffering, and concentration on your physical appearance seems to feed into these unmindful actions, and ultimately would cause you self-inflicted suffering which can be easily avoided.

-eg

I can't relate to being lonely, I actually enjoy solitude, and will go out of my way to keep others at a comfortable distance, but what you said reminded of a Buddhist saying:



-eg

....or a rhino...

I can relate to your troubles forgiving very well. I am / used to be very egocentric and stubborn person. Only later I understood that to criticise others is very easy compared to looking at myself and trying to fix things regardless if it is my fault or not. At the end of the day this is what makes you grow as a person.

We often find ourselves in conflicts we believe are not our fault, while this might be correct the only way to progress is to let the past go and focus on things that are important for the benefit of the future.

Sometimes we have to let our ego go to experience the greatness. This applies to our psychedelic experiences as well as real life.

This is an opportunity to learn and evolve.

If your Ayahuasca journey was rough enough to contemplate using a firearm, then I say it brought something up that perhaps you have been avoiding. Some things stirred up and brought to the surface. Look at it now. It's right there in front on you now. Take a look at it. Try and not judge what you see. Simply observe what you see and feel and do the best you can to let it go. Quit carrying the baggage of your past. Place these hindrances down and thank them for making you stronger.

If you are experiencing thoughts that you are 'out of the matrix', then my first thought is that you had likely looked at the world in this way prior to your experience. Now that thought is enhanced and right in front of you.

If you are having issues with your family, deal with it now. Forgive and move on. Do it for yourself. Do it because you deserve the peace. Move on and let go my friend!! You know this!

If you are feeling lonely. Go and surround yourself with like minded people. If you feel like talking about your experience, then talk about it. You may be surprised at the positivity you could receive from sharing your experiences with others.

Pep talks and advice are not always helpful. Sometimes its pointing out the obvious and doesn't seem helpful. Just know many people have been where you are now. Climb out of the funk and look for something in yourself to share 100% with others.

You are now awake = You are now responsible

Good luck!!!!!

my thoughts exactly!

I used to care a lot about outward appearances as well, i worked fashion retail early on in life and had a ton of useless clothing, always maintained appearances, etc. I was angry all the time too, tried to pick fights with random people in the streets on numerous occasions. i now own one pair of pants, a few shirts, and most people for some reason truly believe the part of my self which gets angry is missing. were these changes the result of psychedelic use? can't say for certain but it definitely helped facilitate them. its hard to get angry when you realize reality is immensely larger than our little monkey minds can usually perceive.


many people describe the dmt/ayahuasca experience as having life split between two distinct phases, before dmt and after dmt. i can definitely relate to this. i don't have many suggestions. perhaps getting into some spiritual path, reading some good books. 'i am that' by sri nisargadatta maharaj and 'freedom from the known' by krishnamurti are wonderful for life in general. always remember, you're not alone in this.