RAM wrote:I vaporized a little DMT last night for the first time in a while, and as usual I had a rather unpleasant experience. I received visions of horrible people and entities in the world. The focus of the trip was how to exist in a state of unconditional love for other human beings but deal with hardcore criminals and evil human beings at the same time without being a hypocrite.
After this part of the experience was over, I entered a contemplative state that usually follows my journeys. The reason I chose to do DMT last night was because I had some free time but I was also feeling a little nihilistic, and drugs help me overcome my nihilism when nothing else in my life really excites me or gives me purpose. I wrote the following during this time:
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Why am I so unhappy?
Everything is great for me.
I have money, nice things, friends who support me, a girlfriend I love, a great education, a good family, and I have never had a major tragedy.
So what is it?
Under critical analysis all of the above are great; there are no "holes" anywhere. No repressed memories, fantasies, feelings, no hidden abuse, and hardly even any inauthenticity! I've worked hard and been lucky with everything.
Meaninglessness and nihilism can only explain so much. There is just something missing, something unobtainable, and I don't know what it is! Are my expectations just faulty? Is there some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain? Some toxin or food that causes this feeling? Or is it just an inextricable part of my life and personality?
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Have you or do you experience something similar? I just run into these periods kind of often where nothing in my life seems special and the lack of an ultimate purpose just gets to me. Even though I rationally realize I can only do the best that I can for myself and fellow humans, I can never escape the void of any ultimate meaning to any of our actions and the inconsequentiality of our lives.
What should I do?
I don't have much money, not sure what nice things is supposed to mean, I don't have any friends, no girlfriend, no education, I rather don't speak to most of my family, and I have experienced a major tragedy. Now tell me, why am I happy?
That is rhetorical; I will tell you why. I am a nihilist. And nihilism is not the belief in nothing. It is the incapability of believing anything.
Might as well stop looking for meaning now while you are ahead. Whatever this place is, it is not significant, intelligent, or terribly enjoyable.
So eat an apple. I had the best I'd ever tasted in all my life just a few days ago, and I've had many apples. The world is still full of surprises. Small ones yes, but I've given up on the large and grandiose. Be here now, no one can do any better.