Fear and Respect

It has been more than a while since I've mustered up the courage to take the plunge, the ever so vast and infinitely strange plunge that it is. Over the month or so that I was spice free I thought about it a lot. I even told myself I would go back and then I would chicken out or make up some goofy excuse as to why I shouldn't go. These silly reasonings with myself allowed a sort of fear to creep up in me and every time I decided not to go to hyperspace, a wedge was being driven between my willpower and the desire to breakthrough again. I didn't even realize any of this until today. Funny what the spice will show you...always what you need, just in the nick of time it seems. I am thankful. I am grateful. Eternally.

Now, today I told myself that there would be no pussyfooting around dammit! But this eerie feeling kept creeping in making me want to push it to another day...yet again.

NO!

I defiantly walked to my fridge and pulled out the container which holds my mullein based changa and headed back to the bedroom. I meticulously cleaned the bong since it had only been housing weed lately and was covered in resin. While my mind was kept busy, I did not feel the fear...I don't know if fear is even the right word because I am not scared of it, yet I have the deepest and most profound respect for it which feels a little like fear sometimes, if that makes any sense...more like I know that it will be intense but worth it. I don't know honestly. I guess it is really more of pre-flight anxiety thing.

So I laid out two doses. 25mg and 105mg. The 25 was to get my feet wet and also get some harmala action going and the 105 was going to be the key to a breakthrough. Okay, now the 25 was loaded into the bong and the 105 was sitting comfortably next to it on my drum throne. I lie down in my bed and get warm as I try to mentally prepare...

I started with my "do what you will" mantra but it felt like I needed to tweak the mantra to fit this situation. It flowed from "let go man" to "there is truly nothing to fear" to "Relax and let it be" to "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" etc. etc. eventually I settled on "Do not be afraid, just let go"

For whatever reason, that last mantra actually had a soothing effect on my thoughts and feelings so I took advantage of the moment and took the 25mg in a puff and held it. I noticed only a slight change in perception...waviness of surfaces and things sort of took on a glittery/sparkly essence. The harmalas from that 25mg dose must have helped too because I felt much calmer and was having a moment where I was asking myself why I was having such trouble with this...

"You've done this plenty of times before, dude! Get it together!"

I poured in the 105mg and mantra mantra mantra I go until I feel almost excited about it. Something clicked and it was time. I set the bong to my lips and took in all in one toke. Immediately I feel the insane pressure and the high pitched eeeeeeeeee sound that sometimes reminds me of an old television set. The only difference is that this sound encompassed my entire being, as if I was swimming in it. Behind closed eyes, I was in the all too familiar tunnel. Greens, reds, blues, and purples making impossible shapes as I flew by..."very impressive" I thought and then it happened.

I broke through with full force. "Are my eyes open or closed? What is 'my?' What are eyes? who cares, look around you, it is beautiful..." I'm not even sure if those were entirely my thoughts or not as they felt quite separate from me. Almost like a back and forth conversation where I was trying to soak it all in and not forget a single thing but having it while being detached from yourself. It was weird but perfect it seemed.

There was a presence that was clearly controlling the events, zipping around at breakneck speed so I never got a look at it/him/her. I was in some futuristic looking room with strange designs and what seemed to be a control room, I guess. It was like I was in this bubble, the room was the bubble and I was peering out of a screen of sorts. Something told me to stick my head in the "screen" so I did and what happened next was unlike anything I have ever experienced. The bubble popped and it was like breaking through again but into a white void. There was nothing but bright shiny white all around. I was confused at first but then I realized what the bright whiteness represented. It was happiness. I was happiness. All was beyond well.

I was suddenly overcome with this emotion to the point where I almost jumped up to celebrate. It wasn't so much about seeing it as it was feeling it and boy was I feeling it. It seems like I haven't been feeling super happy lately and the entity controlling the events gave me a hefty reminder of what life is all about. I remember thinking, "Can I smile?" Turns out I could and I did. It felt right.

The white faded and I fell back into the bubble-like room which started to fold in on itself and collapse. It was taking hyperspace with it just like a black hole sucks everything around it into it . I slowly fluttered back down to Earth. It felt like a feather might when dropped from a balcony on a windless day. Peaceful, beautiful, and superb.

"Don't you forget it, man...don't you ever forget it..." I said to myself.

I took some mental notes and waited until I was baseline before starting this report. I guess I will always have some apprehension about indulging in spice. I guess I was afraid at first but I overcame it. But I do not fear it. I respect it. Getting myself to acknowledge that difference is the first step to my understanding. The sheer intensity that DMT brings is what causes this feeling I discovered. But every time I finally take the plunge I laugh at myself for being so damn worried in the first place. Yeah, spice is scary at times but it is always worth it in the end. Good, bad, or ugly...I am GRATEFUL for them all.

Thank you for reading!

Your Dear Friend,

-The Grateful One-

Grateful One,

Thanks for sharing man!!

After smoking I always feel so happy and almost stupid for being afraid of it! But it's not fear, it's an extreme respect for a powerful and seemingly all-knowing teacher. But before smoking I'll often forget that feeling of post-blast relief and the pre-flight anxiety kicks into gear. I think it's an important part of the process.

I liked reading about you feeling that what you encountered was happiness. When you feel something like that its as if you know in your heart that what you are experiencing is something very real, and very much outside of yourself but at the same time it IS you.

Glad you had a wonderful experience! The bliss of spice truly is BLISS.

Peace!

Thanks for sharing grateful one.

I know what you mean about that feeling, December was like that for me in a way, working a lot and just life happening in general just kinda held me back. Everytime I had the opportunity I would chicken out and make excuses not to do it. Now that I look back it was probably a good thing, a warning if you will. Mindset was probably not where it should've been and could have led to a tougher experience. I'm not scared of it as I know it will be a welcomed journey but I always get that creepy feeling, sense of dread right before lighting it up. After that first hit it goes out the door.

As I mentioned to you I'm preparing for my first pharma journey, little anxiety about it but I guess that's to be expected. It's something I feel I need to do though so I'm pretty psyched, excited.

I had the opportunity to break out the changa last night but opted for the mushies instead after looking at Annes mexicana pics, turns out that was the better choice for last night, they were hitting exceptionally hard and it was just a good time.

I guess all in all you'll know when the time is right, at least it's this way for me, nothing wrong with taking a break or opting for something else.

Take care friend

Peace

Isn't it amazing? Isn't it amazing how love and happiness experienced there are so great that seemingly cannot be experience here in thousand lifetimes?

What can you do other than be eternally grateful when you visit and experience such places. That's exactly what you should do. Be grateful and never forget.

Thank you for sharing. It was delight to read. I do understand your pre flight anxiety, believe me. I have it too, and it is very intense. Something pulling you up from your body, and catapulting you into completely another world and dimension is something that you just can't get used to. It might get easier, but shock is still there.

Peace and love. <3

Most excellent report friend.

Much love to ya.

I have felt that fear before. But then I asked myself "What am I afraid of?". And the truth was stupid. I was afraid of blasting off so hard that I might drop my bong and bongwater all over my bed.

I get pre-flight excitement, so I need to calm myself down with mantras and breathing. But it's nice to see that there are others who also tremble before the spice.

Awesome detail in ur report Grateful One. I am quite grateful that you wrote this report down.

Seems like nothing how you describe it, it just envelops you and then folds as if nothing has ever happened. It's poetic that there is so much anxiety build up prior to having essentially nothing happen. I hope to have exactly the same experience such as urs..

Bon voyage

Thank you for the replies so far!



Having a little fear seems normal, healthy even. If someone told me it didn't scare them at least a little bit, I'm not sure I'd believe them fully. I guess it is all part of the self-regulating nature of DMT.

When I blasted into the white void, it was very strange. There were not any visuals besides a bright shiny shimmering light in which I was fully immersed. When trying to recall what I saw in the void I realized I didn't "see" anything at all except for happiness. To express or show an emotion is one thing, but to become it and live it for a moment was something I've never quite experienced before.



ahh yes, good ol' pharma! I'd love to hear how it goes if you feel so inclined to write up a report when all is said and done. I found pharma to be very beneficial because it moves at a turtles pace compared to the "wham bam thank you ma'am" intensity and abruptness of smoalking spice. It can definitely be overwhelming at the right dosage but when you find that "Goldilocks Zone" it becomes beautiful beyond description. I wish you well on your journey!



It is indeed amazing, I am glad you enjoyed the report! And you are totally right about never really getting used to the take off. But once you pop on through to the other side, I am always like, "oh yeah, now I remember why I like coming here..."

I am very thankful for these experiences. That is a huge understatement but it is still true nonetheless.



Thank you Tatt!





Tremble indeed! I spent a good hour laying in bed gathering every bit of willpower before actually taking the plunge. It is powerful stuff, never to be taken lightly. I was also trying to figure out what exactly I was so worried about...If DMT doesn't cause someone to come to terms with their fears, I don't know what does.





Thank you! It is very strange, I find that while I'm there in hyperspace, I feel like there is no way I could forget anything. That it is all too awesome to just flutter out of my mind but unfortunately what I wrote down in this report is but a mere fraction of what happened. I just can't recall all of it. The second you start fading back in to this reality, the experience starts fading away quickly. I try to take notes as soon as the room stops swirling enough for me to write coherently and legibly.

I wish I had a hyperspace notebook that I could jot in while actually there. Or a hyperspace compatible camera... I wonder if there are any Nexians that have a photographic memory and can use it to really help recall every detail...I think I may start a thread on that in a bit if one doesn't already exist...

Fantastic report Grateful. I'm going through exactly what you describe above at the moment. I hope I can take some inspiration from your post and finally get back on the horse.

I have a carefully cured enhanced leaf blend sitting waiting for me. I even bought a new bong just for changa / enhanced leaf as I didn't want to mix my weed smoking tools up with my DMT ones. I can feel it calling me, but at the same time feel myself pulling back, making up excuses as to why it's not the right time. I feel like I'm stuck in a stalemate that I don't have the power to break. Sigh...

Maybe this weekend I'll build up the courage.

This^^^^ is exactly how I feel every single time!!!

Thanks for the joy-to-read report Grateful One! Much appreciated!

Much love going out to you & yours.

Peace.

Nice to read another one of yours TGO, good vibes rule

I'm very happy to hear that the feeling is mutual with a lot of us, if not all of us. The best advice is to "Just Do It" lol...but seriously, I've found that having a mini-meditative session really helps calm the nerves. This time and the last time I smoalked, I took a smaller dose first before taking the plunge to the center of the universe. IME, it helped soothe me and give me the courage to take the full dose. Harmalas are a great ally in reducing anxiety.

Besides having a small dose first, I find that taking the dose in one hit is most beneficial for me because it doesn't give me enough time to reconsider what I'm doing...once it is in the lungs, there is no turning back. However, 105mg in one hit is rather intense so to anyone trying out the "one hit quit" method, please be aware of that. All I am saying is that it works for me and is my preference these days.

@DOC: I'm glad you enjoyed the report! I love writing about it because it really allows me to organize my thoughts and examine what happened that much more closely. If anything, posting these trips is like having an interactive trip journal. I love being able to receive feedback from other psychonauts.

@JEES: Good vibes, all day, everyday. It is the only way to go!