Once I thought I smoked way to much once and it offset panic reaction in me.

Ever since that sub-breakthrough I have been feeling that reality has sorta lost something that I can't quite describe apart from saying that it feels a little ingenuine and I feel a bit disconnected from it and that I am a bit confused by every-day life a bit more now.

A meditation session seemed to bring things back up to the surface after two months of trying to keep it at bay and a couple of nights I have felt like I was going to have a breakthrough even though I don't know what that is and have never had one before.

I started to become more aware of the blackness of my closed eyes, then i started to see a mandala of vague visuals and my proprioception (perception of the body) felt like it is just going to become something completely different. Like the sensation of my arms and the bed under me will become completely chaotic and undefinable by my brain. Is this what breakthrough feels like? Is it possible to have one without DMT?

I try and keep calm and give in to the experience which apparantly is just naturally happening at random and is not being caused by anything? but I still don't want to fully give in to it... not because I am scared I will lose my ability to operate my own body and feel myself in the world but because I am scared THAT I WILL FOREVER lose my ability to operate my own body and feel myself in the world RATIONALLY. Psychosis is a fate worse than death. That is a right to self-perception that I am not comfortable to give in to UNLESS I KNOW FOR CERTAIN I AM GOING TO DIE.

Emptiness, I'm not trained in psychology, that said, what you're describing sounds like it could possibly be depersonalization or derealization. I experienced something similar after of all things, smoking way too much cannabis. It lasted months and I was terrified it would be permanent.

I would recommend talking to someone who is trained in the mental health field. There could be issues such as PTSD that could be a part of what you're describing, but it would take someone in that actual field a few sessions to make a diagnosis.

When this happened to me, there was no Internet, and I wish someone could have told me, that it would be ok. I'll do that now for you. It will be ok eventually, psychedelics can be quite an abrupt change in your perspective that can take a while to integrate. Talking to a therapist could help speed the healing process.

Something that helped me personally a great deal with my derealization symptoms was taking Tai-Chi classes. I think somehow it helped ground me and integrate "me" back into my body.

I wish the best for you and a fast recovery.

Thanks for the advice Musterlid. I don't really see how a therapist might help though? Most of them I have met are absolute squares and I don't want to waste my time or money... which is actually a rip off really. Over $100 for a few "you are completely normal" "it wasn't your fault" "you will get through this" "take these pills" "pay this $250 therapy bill for me plz" and then if I get a diagnoses get jacked up on brain numbing chemicals like respiridone or klozapine. What a wacko selfish capitalist industry!

I was just wondering if that is what a breakthrough feels like with the sensation of the body becoming something different and also WHY the FUCK all this happened to me because I thought everyone came down from dmt without problems and that is the very reason why it is so popular amongst people, because it is very unlikely that you will develop some sort of psychosis that makes your life more difficult or uncomfortable to live than before.

I wonder if just going all guns out on a breakthrough would solve it though and perhaps quietly trying to ignore it is just making it worse.

Thanks for the thai chi tip, I will give it a go

Want my honest advice? Smoke the breakthrough dose. When you come back, you'll see that your worries and sorrows are stupid. So, you've realized that reality is not quite what you believed it to be? OK, let's show you how awesome that realization is, not painful.

Take my advice if you want. Hair of the dog, remember?

Emptiness, I understand your apprehension about therapists. I've throughout my life had a series of horrible ones. The one I have now is great, but it can be a problem in financially and practically to find a good situation for therapy.

If you feel that your mental health has been fine before the experience, and that somehow the experience you had alone will cause you to develop psychosis, I don't believe that it will.

I had similar fears to this, and I couldn't believe at the time what I was going through was "just" anxiety. But, anxiety can be bigger than we think, but know that it is normal. No one alive is free of it, and don't judge it harshly, it's there for evolutionary purposes of survival.

There are a great deal of books and even free online resources to a great way to handle anxiety and it's called mindfulness.

Mindfulness techniques involve meditation, and hearing that you already practice meditation gives you a great head start.

What I said about Tai-Chi still stands. I had a Tai-Chi session earlier today and I felt great afterwards.

Emptiness - When I took acid 23 years ago and felt like I'd permanently turned weird, I eventually got used to it. It's even fun most of the time. Turns out I was probably weird all along anyhow.

Body awareness exercises definitely help though.

my motto used to be,
"if ya dont think your gonna die every day, how do you know your alive?"

i got over it and just live.

I dont recommend mental health care providers because I have seen them do more harm then good for many people... Many of them are just glorified drug pushers....

I do think you could benefit from some healing though. I dont want to tell you what to do, so I am going to instead tell you what I would do if I was in your situation. It may or may not be the right path for you.

Sometimes you just need some time to heal. Just relax, stay away from substances, take an epsom salt bath, meditate, walk in nature.... Some good mindful things to help settle you. At the least I recommend a epsom salt bath and lots of long walks in nature - also make sure you are eating healthy and getting enough sleep. Other options that can help would include massage, float tank, meditate or yoga, exercise ect.....

If I did that and felt like I needed more I would then try San Pedro. DMT really opens you up to a lot of things and can be kinda random or chaotic sometimes.... San Pedro is pure heaven to me - very gentle and heart focused. I find that when taken with intention it can help you solve a lot of things.

If that didnt seem to help, then I would see a shamanic practitioner - in my case I happen to know a few good Ayahuasqueros and Huachumeros so I would sit with them, but I only recommend this option if you can find a GOOD facilitator - a bad facilitator can make things worse so you want someone who is effective and who you can trust.

I dont know if the second or third option is right for you, but I think you could at least consider the mindful practices like walking nature and epsom salt bath ect....

I might be on the wrong track here but your story does at least have some reminiscences of Suzanne Segal's journey in "Collision with the Infinite". She experienced complete loss of self identity - ok, not quite what you're describing here - and then spent many years in a state of fear, seeing shrinks and wondering what on earth was wrong with her before coming to a zen teacher who saw it for what it was, a stage in her liberation towards self-realization. After that she could work with what had happened and take it to its natural conclusion. Try to get hold of a copy of the book if you can. If nothing else it's a wonderful and illuminating book to read.