I am on a heavy train with no brakes, speeding towards a future event that could result in the love of my life losing her life.
I have never felt an emptiness like this when I think of that future event, even after the death of all my grandparents.
I am at a loss.

I would like to know how others have reconciled/integrated an event like this, I'm so scared right now. The test is tomorrow. She is terrified.
This feels so alien.

As somebody who has lost the love of his own at the end of a long and rocky road to the inevitable, I can only suggest that you do your best to make the most of every moment together that you've still yet to spend.

I urge you to have faith, and to have strength both for her and for yourself. Nothing is certain in this world, except that none of us will live to see the end of it. We must all face the mortality of our loved ones in our life, and eventually we must face our own as well. What loss that I've endured has taught me that the fear of loss and grief must take a backseat to the enjoyment of and gratitude for the present moment, and for the gift of time yet to be spent and cherished with our loved ones.

Cherish her and feel every moment to the fullest, do all you can to make the most of each event, each touch and every bit of connection and intimacy... And above all, accept all that you feel without reservation. You do not know yet what will come, but should the worst come to pass, the only thing that will destroy you as well will be your refusal to accept the reality of your loss. You will continue to live, learn and grow... In time your memories will bring a smile and a tear rather than a pain of grief, and you will carry in your heart forever the love you share today. Do not turn away from it for fear of pain; Pain is what teaches us how to endure these times... Embrace and accept your fear and your emotions. Make the most of what you have, and face what comes with courage.

These lessons are the hardest we have to learn... Nobody can teach them to us but our own hearts and the wisdom that grows within us with the passing seasons. You cannot look to anyone else for the strength you need to live on, but embrace the love and support of all those around you in your times of need. Do not escape into your sorrows as I did, and allow your pain to define who you are... It is all to easy to do so in those times, and lose yourself completely.

But the most important thing I could say, of all the thoughts that pour through my mind when I read your words, of all the things I wish I had done, and done better, the only real advice I can give is:

Love her, with all your might, so long as your heart still beats. Love her and never lose that feeling. Always accept and cherish that love no matter how it hurts... And it will show you the way.

God speed you, and may your way be filled with light and with courage. And with love.
Bless you, Brother.

It truly breaks my heart to hear this; you have my deepest sympathies. As Hiyo stated, I also urge you to be strong. Easier said than done, I know...

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross -


I wish you both the absolute best in these trying times.

@hiyo quicksilver
I am grateful to you for the courage it took in sharing that story, it is incredibly meaningful right now (and still brings me to tears when I read it). Thank-you. I am taking the message onboard with the utmost respect. Time is fleeting, love is eternal.
Thank-you brother.

@The Grateful One
Thank-you also, your heart is immense. That is a beautiful quote too.

She is home now, they took the entire lymph node, where a biopsy was scheduled. We find out next week. I can feel my resolve growing again, balancing strength and vulnerability. This feeling is strange, it can overwhelm without warning like a tidal wave washing away any notion of the present moment. Thrusting my thoughts to scenarios of funerals and darkness. But then beyond that, in the past lie the antithesis to those thoughts. The love we share, and still share. It brings sweet joy and tears every time.

Good vibes to you and the one you love my friend. I'm sure everything will work out just as it should. Maktub

Thanks BFP

My dreams have been vivid and multi-contextual, to the point in which a fraction of my morning is partitioned-off to integrate them. They aren't lucid, but potently hi-def. I haven't dreamt like this (many nights in a row) since I was a child.
My partner-in-crime helped me clean the kitchen today, I can see her strength beginning to grow after the surgery.

So the news was bad. But at least it has a name now, we can overcome a problem that has a name. So many variables we are in control of too; nutrition, well being, mentality etc.
If the mods could please delete this thread, I'm not sure if I want to share too much more. It seems a little pointless right now. Have to stay strong.

@hiyo quicksilver
Once again man, thank you for sharing your experience. I have saved it on my computer if you don't mind

The only thing I "have to" is to die and this is what I do since I am born, I came to die.

To me, feeling sad, exhausted, worried, frustrated, angry, whatever is ok, I don't fear and fight against my own feelings as I also don't stick to them, because this leads me into in a cycle of self-pitty.

In my experience and observation, we all deal with the same struggles in life. Maybe the design, the appearance looks different, but the content seems similar. How much does our cultural programming affect these struggles, our perspective on them? Can I develop?

Moreover I am sending all love to you and your love, tseuq

The surgeon misdiagnosed, and the specialists came back last night with good results, great results!!!!!

What wonderful news!!! I am keeping you guys in my thoughts and still wishing you the best!!!

Let's celebrate! I'm so happy for you man!!

Thanks guys!!
I'm forever grateful for the support, I love this community.

Coincidentally, I received that message only moments before my very first DMT trip. I was hesitant all day about journeying, not sure what to expect. I was seriously considering giving up the whole endeavour altogether.

My friend had some enhanced leaf, I had the bong packed and ready, awaiting my clammy, nervous hands to spark the journey. And the message came through!!

Spark. 3...2...1....go!!!

Now I finally know what it is like. I don't know a damn thing about anything. Except pure joy!!!!
In hindsight I didn't breakthrough.
But every negative-thought-worst-case-scenario-future I had constructed regarding my beloved was instantaneously demolished. Rendered inaccessible and possibly non-existent.
Little serpentine like geometries writhing before my eyes, crawling up and down my body to the tune of the ICAROS on the hifi system. They held me down and went to work, it felt like work anyway (it was almost nonchalant).
I tested the resistance a little way through, feeling for my body and they had a stern message (more a thought/feeling)
"Hold on cowboy, we're not finished with you."
They were so gentle.
I succumbed immediately.
Time left me.
All there was, was music/light.
And the pleasure!!!!!
The sizzle back to my body, was like an orgasm but throughout my whole body. The little serpents were slowly marching away (there were waving?) to the gentle tempo of the music.
I was writhing with ecstasy. It felt incredible!!!
I couldn't hide my smile for an hour after.
Everything felt so good.
Contentedness. I spoke to my beloved on the phone for what seemed like eternity.

I didn't know it was possible to feel such happiness. Of all my words, there are none for that experience that sing a song of any resolution to do it justice.

Hyperspacial re-programming indeed

Everything I thought it would be like, seems remarkably irrelevant.

A great insight which prevents me of being stuck in the attachment of my own believes.

Now is all there is, I am.

tseuq