The woman who is visiting me to sit for me just acknowledged what we both had been thinking over the past 2 months of long phone conversations: There is a romantic spark, and we won't know exactly how it will play out until she gets here.

When I fall in love, I want to be totally engrossed in the other person. When I take Iboga, I feel like that is a process of becoming totally engrossed in myself, my life. I don't think having such new (and possibly confusing) energies come into my life right when I'm about to go deeply inward.

At the same time, this person cares about me (for some reason), and would be a great sitter. And I've been having trouble finding other people to sit for me. And who knows, maybe the love will facilitate the experience.

But the dynamics I am noticing forming between us remind me of my old (largely dysfunctional) romantic relationship.

However, maybe this an opportunity for me to work through those dynamics and acknowledge them.

However, shouldn't I do an Iboga session with the least amount of confusing circumstances around me?

I feel like the personal growth process that a loving relationship provides is one method of spiritual growth, and taking Iboga is another. I do not see them compatible in any way. In this stage of my life, me taking Iboga is about me getting in touch with my masculine self, which I feel is so desperately needed. And if I were to engage in a relationship with a woman at this time, I could run the risk of losing myself in the feminine energies, which I so easily do, historically.

This is a pattern I am wishing to break out of, and I think it has to do with me reclaiming my strength and identity as a male. Though the prospect of love is very tempting, I feel like Iboga is what I need to transform more quickly and more deeply.

Now, there is the possibility that that romantic potential won't exist, or will die when I ingest the Iboga. But the unknowns in such a situation are staggering. There is so much that could go wrong, and so much that could go right. And so much that could be thrown by the wayside.

Perhaps this is something I need to work through. It is true, as they say: "There are no shortcuts."

But I also wonder if I am doing myself a disservice by passively accepting this trip-sitting circumstance and not seeking another one out that is more safe and in-line with the direction in life I want to be going.

Sorry that this is a weird stream-of-consciousness format, but it's the only way I can get these thoughts out. I am simultaneously extremely determined and extremely confused.

I think iboga would help you in this confusing time. It sounds to me like you are making excuses to keep yourself safe, but what is the point of healing yourself and doing all this inner work if you dont also embrace the outer life you are living?

As long as she is fine with you working with iboga, I see no reason to avoid connecting with others just because you do medicine work. The greatest aid on my medicine has been my wife, and one time in ceremony Ayahuasca even told me: "Your wife is your greatest medicine." Since then my wife has helped me heal more deeply then any plant medicine ever has.... And in my experience the medicine of our relationship has always been completely compatible to any work I have done with plants.

And if it doesnt work out.... Then you can go back to being phone friends. Meeting or seeing where things go isnt a commitment to get married or anything...

BTW - every shaman I have ever met except one is married

New love.

I'd put off the iboga work for a bit if it were me. You can find a point in the near future to better yourself with Iboga, but how often does the opportunity for a new love come by?

It's worth mentioning that I am doing Iboga partly for physical health reasons, and the clock is definitely ticking in that department. It is something that I am quite sure Iboga will help, and sorta 50/50 on whether the Love will help it.

The other thing worth mentioning (or repeating, rather) is that

"the dynamics I am noticing forming between us remind me of my old (largely dysfunctional) romantic relationship."

I don't notice this so much with other girls I meet these days. She in particular I feel triggers these old negative patterns. I feel like if I actually did fall in love with her, it would be a step in the wrong direction in terms of my own progress toward stronger relationships.