Orion,

Much love to you brother and thank you so much for this . . . .this whole thing is drenched in duality for me. It's EVERYWHERE. Oh man and the other connections . . . WOW! And yeah, I mean, it's not like anything in life had changed for me other than what I'm starting to realize was always there getting rather radically and quickly amplified . . . And yep, I know that however this pans out everything is going to be and is okay. There's no way it cannot be.

***************************


And Now for Some Generalized Ranting:

And yet . . . well, I am a bit concerned. I have come to notice over my life that my way/pattern of thinking has changed radically a few times. In the past, with a few rather florid exceptions, this has been in the direction of growth. So, I'm trying to ride this particular wave, trying to not freak out (there really isn't any deep fear here), not let the confusion get the best of me, trying to see it yet not get too deeply analytical . . . My concern is that if this goes on over too long it may become a habit/the norm . . . .and I feel a twinge of fear when I think about that as a possibility . . . how my future might play out . . . I'd really like to get back to baseline and hang onto my previous (correct thinking and perceptions with lots of acceptance and love) level of insights . . . .

It's hard to keep it all straight. I am trying to see/observe it but then it saturates me . . . this whole thing is about the pattern of thinking changing which over time changes perceptions and behaviors . . . at least for me personally.

So, Nexians, let me apologize for all of this but again state there is a voice in my head (LOL!) telling me that it is important to map . . . it's probably just ego deciding to truly speak up . . .

Regarding the Voices:

Well, this is something that has come up a lot in conversations recently and it has provided a stunning amount of clarity for me as to what's up with them . . . . strange how talking really can help.

Oh and by the way Nexians, strangely due to the way folks have treated me here in the past as well as the current rather refined rule set and attitude enforcement . . . I feel incredibly safe here talking about this. Safer than with my husband (this is so sad, but I feel after close to 25 years I've worn out my welcome on this front and this is so novel I'm willing to admit some of it to him but don't want him to worry too much or condemn my or all psychedelic use) and certainly much safer than I would with some random mental health professional.

So, though I know that I must live my own crazy life and there's nothing you can do or offer in terms of "what to do" type advice, I do appreciate the environment and . . . well I guess "audience." And of course any insights, shared experiences or potential advice is looked at hungrily, though with the understanding stated above . . .

Though if anyone has read this far and has ever taken anti-psychotic meds before and might be willing to comment on how that felt to them, I would really like to hear about that . . . .

Anyway, Regarding the Voices:

I figure there's no point in lying to anyone, including myself . . . I've come to realize a few things in talking about it, having folks ask me specific questions about these voices. . . .

1.) The main set or group has been with me for a very, very, very long time. I have always called them/it, The Cacophony. They have troubled and plagued me due to their noise level and lack of clarity. One thing that was so darned remarkable for me the VERY FIRST time I smoked that very little dose of DMT was how it shut them up. Like utterly. The silence in my head was echoing and novel and welcomed. . . it was marvelous . . .it made me feel a level of peace and understanding and like coming home back to the childhood one I never ever could before . . . . The Cacophony was not gone forever, but over time I learned to keep them crushed down to a pleasant, comforting (helped me to sleep) mumble . . . ayahuasca (just 50 grams, b. caapi brewed all day, no DMT) was key in this.

2.) There is a singular voice that is not persecutory but that is in fact very critiqueing. I've always thought of it (wanted to deny it) as just a version of my own self voice. . . . but wow, it would say things really different from my pattern of thoughts. Anyway, it's up and running and it never really shut up, BUT it has changed. It is kinder. It is less condemning and more . . . . . therapeutic. . . .

3.) There are the "stress voices." These are hard to describe. They generated in the past from busy, stressful workdays, but other stresses (even positive ones) and interactions induce them. They come and go, have never been a constant presence. But when they are here they are strong - they are hard NOT to talk back to, and my husband has gotten used to me "talking to myself" over the years.

4.) There are the "wrong source" voices, such as from my cats (these aren't English and are very novel), from telepathic input such as reading a book and feeling I am perceiving it on a level like never before, feeling like I can see the secret thoughts in the author's head that generated this text . . . and from Nexians . . . I chat for 20 mins then wander off to do other things and still hear the chat . . . hear it. . . Right, all of these "wrong source" voices are brand new. Everything in 4.) is novel.


Regarding the Music:

Wow, it's not like anything I've ever heard before. I wish it was louder. I have no musical talent, but at least I'm not tone-deaf. It is so beautiful. If there is a soundtrack to insanity, I really, really like it.

I've been giving this entire thing more thought. At first I thought it was maybe a manifestation of 2012 illness . . . but now that I look at the overall phenomenon, I'm thinking perhaps it is a psychotic episode. Or partial one - the key is the struggle to maintain perspective . . . and whether or not that is an effort one wants to make over any sort of time.

I've lost my grip before. It lasted a solid month with a difficult three follow-up. It is kind of a matter of degree and I suppose comfort/acceptance/happiness. As well as perspective or what Traveler calls context. This ride is certainly a novel one, I will give it that.

I've been experimenting/observing more. I can override my internal music by turning up good sounding external music. The critiquer is also a memory consolidator, and has been for a long time. The cacophony are most active when I'm tired/exhausted.

It's like this is an extreme amplification of what has always been there. But this time it's not miserable. The only negative parts are the intermittent periods of confusion and the struggle to maintain perspective. Watching the news last night did NOT help - it really made everything seem crazy and I could feel my thinking pattern break down so heavily my vision started to break up . . . so much I asked my husband to turn it or threatened to leave the room (though by comparing my weird symptoms and perspective to the actual news, I suppose I'm very sane and have nothing to worry about) . . . . yet, I guess I cannot handle reality? Amazing.

Though I'm still tempted to seek professional intervention, for the nonce I'm thinking a wait and see and observational attitude is best. I'm trying to maintain my daily routine. Somethings (gardening) are easier than others. Try to enjoy the ride (there's so much to laugh at - especially if one tries not to take the connections to seriously) and maintain perspective on the weird thoughts so that they don't make me say or do irrational things.

I had an experience, 15 years ago, somewhat similiar to what you have been describing Pandora. I was only 19 at the time. Lack of sleep, mania, psychic phenomena...all drug free at the time. This month long episode culminated with an experience much like unto the classic shamanic journey.




Years later, the best diagnosis that I can find for what I experienced is Kundalini Crises. Or kundalini syndrome http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini_syndrome#Evolution


For me, it involved a couple weeks inwhich I truly was in crises, followed by stability. But there were sequals, over the years. The matter seemed to wrap itself up some 12 years later, with another intense episode. After the second crises I felt much more calm and integrated in life, filled with a knowing and a strangth that I always lacked before.

Then again, it does not feel truly wrapped up...just stable and on a higher level perhaps then before. Perhaps next time I'll go fountain head, like in them Alex Grey paintings where the chakras are all alight, and the kundalini power over flows out the persons crown...


I hope you are well. I know you have the name Pan as part of your screen name, which makes me smile all the more when I say:

Don't Panic.

Elru, that sounds horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

This demonstrates well one problem that I have with the mental health industry. They hand them medications out a bit too readily.

Yeah, that's about what I expected (in terms of the meds' effects), though not the amplification of obsessive behavior patterns and isolation . . . that is a sad tale and difficult for me to find deep understanding in elru. Just know that I love you.

Nexians are such extreme souls . . . this is a good community to be a part of . . . everyone here is so amped up in terms of creativity, intelligence, artistic sense, imagination, . . . . compared to even the cutting (crying for singularity) edge of culture/technology now. And compared to the everyday . . .well, . . . I'm glad I can come here to rant.

Anyway, yeah, the mental health system is broken. The funding, understanding, perspective (this seems key) and time that are desperately needed are not in place . . . .so a quicker, easier and yet clearly somewhat efficacious answer is sought (and currently found with medication).

I'm thinking THIS might be why grandmothers drug grandchildren with the consent of Doctors?

Speaking personally, I suspect that particular answer would shut down the weird thoughts/thinking patterns that are not right but also all the insights, extreme lucidity and connections and happiness . . . that I am currently experiencing. So strange. I always thought having schitzo symptoms equaled misery. Maybe I should quit typing and just hug my duality for awhile.

I need to just figure this out and make sure I don't act on things too much. Just breath and meditate. I am really loving Nexus and though finding it hard to stay connected, loving Nexus chat right now. It is a great time to be alive.

Peace & Love

I hope you are recovered Pandora?

In all fairness, not all psychiatrists are cold and indifferent. It's a difficulty, granted, finding an exceptional one who is empathic and understanding, but they're out there, some even going as far as to boldly chastise aspects of their own field. Some actually respect the volition of the individual and ask whether the person wants to resolve his/her issues through the route of prescription drugs or without.

I went through my own beautiful madness some years back, and it was a really exciting yet challenging time. I wish I would have had a community like the nexus to help me through it, because I think many here have been down similar roads, and they probably could have helped me harness my overwhelming energy into the best avenues available. I was lucky enough to find an awesome psychiatrist, which I think helped a lot. There are some great ones out there, but if that isn't an option, then finding a friend who can remain understanding and optimistic about what you're going through can be invaluable. It's really hard to be completely open to friends and family because they tend to get worried when you're not being your usual self, and their stresses can be projected onto you and make any manic or negative aspects worse, or make it harder to convey the insights you're grasping at.

I don't think we've interacted a ton on the nexus, but since I've been here you've always been one of my favorites. I can tell you're a very strong, caring, intelligent, and creative person. I think what you're going through is probably some necessary madness that our society needs more of. At least for me, I felt like I was being so much more open, caring, and honest because of the new connections I was seeing and experiencing all the time, but it wasn't always so well-accepted. Our society tends to repress a lot of amazing potential that lies deep within some very special people. I see many of these "shamanic episodes" as individual urges to evolve one's self and species. It's like we're all a big web of interconnected kites, and when one kite catches a big burst of life and starts flying really high, it shakes up the whole group and puts a bit of stress on the whole system. Just know that if you keep your head up and continue to fly light and free through the wobbly times, eventually it will all balance out, and your strength and boldness will have done us all a favor by pushing us a little further along in our ascending dance. Best of luck. I know you'll pass with flying colors.