Hi nexus!
Today was my 18th birthday so i felt it was an appropriate time to introduce myself to such a mature and respectable community. My young age will be evident after you have to plow through my miserable attempt at writing this Essay. Although I am 18 I would not like to be viewed as a "youngen" or my opinions viewed as inferior. I've had a rough past, mostly attributed to my retched step-father, and was forced to grow up faster than most. As a result I became a sort of "social-outcast" although not a typical one. As such I tended to miss out on a large amount of euphoric activities that are often labeled as "integral parts of childhood." Alone this might not be a problem for most people but when you skip a grade and then attend a 2 year early college, making me 15 and living in a dorm, turning to foreign substances to substitute a somewhat absent childhood seemed like a fantastic idea. This lead to a nice 3 year alcohol/substance abuse problem which ended up corroding what ever healthy relationships i had managed to gain up until that point. To add even more icing to an already fucked up cake being under 18 and without a car led me to never have a job and thus dependent on whomever would allow me to leach off of them. Eventually I had a bright felony of an idea that forced me to take a break from college, until my lawyers could clear everything up. Two months later I find a wonderful little community that sparked an old interest in a drug I remembered from erowid. Although at the discovery of this amazing site i couldn't get my hands on any spicy wonder I went on a rampage reading psychology, philosophy and religious books. To my surprise I ended up replicating the experience of "finding god" through my now developing understanding of what the universe actually is and how "everything works."

Once I got my license I decided to pursue some independence and got a job working as plumber making around $300-500 a week(yeah I know rediculous ) After getting my first paycheck I started on my journey to meet aya. MHRB was eventually ordered as well as syrian rue. Since my "father figure" was a dick I decided to learn from the masculine form of aya. This leaves me at last week where approximately 16grams of MHRB was eyeballed out and placed in a rice cooker, it was then brewed for 9 hours(brought to a simmer so no caramelizing of sugars, egg white added to rid of its nasty tannins, and fridged so sediment could settle.) The next day mimosahuasca was consumed upon wake. I'd like to note that this was my first delve into psychedelics, while it may have been an unwise decision I do not regret it.

After the first purge which happened approximately 30 minutes upon ingesting the mimosa brew, 1 hour after the syrian rue(no rhyme intended), ice started surging through my vains and the first signs of ego death was being experienced. Now after all the research I had conducted I was disappointed in myself for not letting go but I had encountered a variable that I was unprepared for, worse nausea after the purge. From all of the experience reports I had read it became expected that the nausea would subside after the initial purge, unfortunately it wasn't, feeling unconfident in myself fear ended up creeping in so i decided to resist the ego death while trying to squeeze out as much comfort and safety from the toilet seat as I could. About 30 minutes to an hour passed of my resisting and I decided to return to my blanket fort I had created on the couch. Even though I did not break through while inside my forte an invisible war started taking place in my head. It started to feel slightly schizophrenic as every role model I have ever had, be it anime or real life, began to fight over who would be expressed through me. It was as if my personality was in fact a reflection of my past and everything I had ever experienced. From this I could feel a deterioration of invisible layers separating what I was expressing to the external world and who I was internally. Resulting from which was a merger of who I was(past, present, everything I have ever experienced) and who I was, expressed to the physical world. Eventually the experience died down to an afterglow that brought me to tears. It is as if my life had been given back to me, the very essence of my spirit and life force was returned to me in an amazing condition. I felt focused, determined to use every last second I was granted on this planet. There is nothing I can compare it to but what it truly means to be alive and what astounded me even more was actually something that wasn't left behind. It seemed that euphoric craving I had, hollowness that seemed to have resulted from an empty childhood was repaired, filled instead with an amazing energy of hope and dreams. I am blessed to have been introduced to this community and I have received the greatest birthday present anyone could ever ask for!

During the part of my aya experience where I was scared out of my mind and when I had returned to my "fort" I decided to open up a word document in an attempt to find grounding and saftey, this is the resulting text:

finally i find refuge
my thoughts can now be expressed
ass if they are a separate part of me
I need power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!e
lol this feels skitso
Respect aya but feel the love!!!!
look at myself im so vulnerable im trying to hide myself from the truth wtf the truth wiliest you free
the brain is a battlefield within oneself an i mean battlefield!!!!
constantly fighting and trying to gain control and hiding the truth!!!!
the TRUTH
the head is the battlefield and the brain is the MECH these drugs allow us to look upon ourselves as we fight

also set more defense against aya in terms of the truth he wants….he wants to let people know!!!make us vulnerable! i know his intentions are good though!
I know they are but we must make the fools choice this means to much for me
sorry aya this isone battle you will lose. the rest however feel free to win
just a note your role models are all of these animes your using them for your personalities basing decisions and morals off of them! get some experience in the real world find models out there let your self find out the truth that is all


it seems the trip is over. I definitely did not "break through" but the experiencewas meaningful and has changed my life forever. I have forgotten my past mistakes and have regained a focus and drive i didn't know existed. I am ready to work my way up through the ranks of life. I feel I have gained a perspective no longer looking down like I am some kind of whimpering dog but i am looking both straight ahead and up towards the sky. I have determination now. I am no longer chasing the petty euphorias from a crippled child hood. I have found spirituality and love from aya <3 and I am ready to make an impact on the world through my beliefs and opinions. love and peace to all

Thanks for reading guys I know this post was long but I felt it was a necessary introduction and first "trip report," I hope everyone enjoyed. PEACE

Thank you for sharing this story. You might be suprised to see how much a hard days work and a decent paycheck will help ground you. You might have some more work ahead of you. You may or may not be done with integrating your experience. I have been integrating my LSD experiences for 12 years and I'm still havnt sorted through those experiences fully. You sound like your on the right track. Keep away from felonies.

That respect for aya can go a long way. Stay humble and you can learn and grow immensely through these journeys. I'm sure you can even shake the hold of those influences that have been keeping you from getting where you need to go. Your life is yours, and I'm glad to hear you've found a stronger, more positive perspective. Now the fun begins. Welcome aboard.