I'll begin a few days after; when I remove the steel wool from the machine, curious as to why I got such a massively large dose.
I lit it with a torch, it burned on it's own for at least 30 seconds! An amazing amount of residue was still trapped in the there...

I was in the midst of a situation that was causing me a lot of emotional stress, accumulated over many years of difficulties with someone and it was all coming to a head.

As i felt I needed a reset, I took the opportunity to indulge when the others left the house for a short period. This would be the first time I had done this alone...
I added approximately 40 mgs to the machine, and away I went with one large breath.

The breakthrough was pleasant enough, even in my frame of mind, I opened my eyes after and felt very calm.

Not leaving well enough alone, I was curious if there was any left. I had a bit of time before they would return, so why not?

I lit the machine with my torch, and was surprised to be deeply inhaling a very very thick pure white cloud...what the ...?

My last sane thought, was that foreboding "oh no"...

Things were happening at light speed, I immediately opened my eyes and panicked!!

The room was a rapidly changing strobe of light energy, completely overwhelming my senses, I could not cope with the speed. I tried to think, but felt I had gone completely insane, spiraling out of control. My limbs flailing out like a rag doll; and from the depths of my soul, I howled the longest and loudest scream I have ever screamed, gripped with unending terror.

I moaned , begged, pleaded, what if they find me like this, a raving lunatic, insane...

Then I experienced tunnel vision, time ceased to exist, this was the only now; I felt as an expected arrival, the culmination of my existence. This could have been an amazing moment in any other mindset; but I could not help the thought of eternal insanity; my life, a very distant memory that I tried to find, but could not.

Finally, things began to slow down and the room started to look more normal. I can say for certain, this was the most relieved I have ever felt.

I was shaking when my partner arrived, it had only been 15 minutes!!

That night, I did not sleep, lurching awake at any drifting off. Large doses of melatonin did not help. I needed physical contact, so I made sure I touched her...

The fear is as real as any fear you will ever feel, it has taken me some time to assimilate this.

Life goes on.

I'm sorry, man. Bad trips just come along with the territory. The best thing you can do is not think about it being a "bad" trip, but instead it was "intense." If you step back and look at the trip objectively, it will make assimilation a lot easier. I call that fear "The Dread." Worst emotional turmoil ever... but a lot of good usually comes from those trips. I always tell myself that if I don't have a "bad" one every now and again, I'm stuck in rut. The Dread is like a wench to pull you out of that rut real quick.

Ask yourself, what about it scared you?
How can you use what you learned to help your progression?

As you said life goes on, and on it goes. Good luck with your integration!

13Bells,

So sorry to read about your rough ride. Yeah, those residuum hits can be sneaky and HUGE. Important to try to watch that - err on the side of underdosing. As InMotion said, you can always smoalk moar but once you smoalk you can not smoalk less.

I hope you are now sleeping okay and that you are making sure to get out, try to enjoy life, eating regular, well-balanced meals, continuing to spend close time with your significant other, etc. Give yourself some time to heal.

If you feel up to it, maybe try to take a closer look at your fear? Was it just the overwhelming intensity of the body load and entire experience? Or did the spice show you something deeper that you fear? A bit of both? Neither?

You sound like you know what's up - sounds like it was maybe a (difficult) learning experience, hopefully not to be repeated any time soon.

Spice has a lot to offer, but I do believe it is dose dependent and beyond a certain point (different for each user) it just becomes pure insanity and/or blackout.

I will look forward with interest to future posts by you.

Peace & Love

I'm sorry to hear about the rough one. They can certainly be traumatic.

I can't tell you how many times it's been the 2nd go around that's turned on me after the 1st had just been ecstatic. I don't know that I've ever been completely annihilated by fear, but I've certainly had a significant taste of it on many different occasions.

This thing we do goes mighty deep. There are no rules in there. You got through it though, and now you're back. You don't ever have to go there again if you feel you've had enough. On the flip side, I've had many ecstatic experiences following on the heals of particularly challenging ones. It's a complex and unpredictable thing, though good set and setting offers the greatest odds of enjoyable journeying.

Edit: Just curious to know - do you believe you actually screamed?

Thank you all for the kind words; I know you have all been there.

I won't make the same mistakes again, set setting and measure it out!

Subspace is the road back, already started.

And yes Uncle Knucles, I screamed, I felt the rawness in my throat after!

I don't regret the experience, it will never be forgotten. (but NO, I don't want to go there anytime soon)

Thanks again

Time heals brother.....Time heals.

I've done that before.

Now I am very methodical and very thorough in my procedure.

Dont wana do that again.

Dont be afraid. All is well. Take a couple weeks off and go back with a normal dose. Go back a humbled soul ready for the next lesson.

The bad ones are the best!!!!

IH






I just wanted to say that I love your avatar. Its a wonderful portrait.

sorry to hear that, too, i accompany heartly to the wise words of the others.


one made a equal experiece just some days ago when it comes to suprisingly unexpected intensity. one just loaded a tiny bit in a gvg. what appeared for one was as well a thick thick white cloud (as it nearly never appearead before), and what came after would be imaginable for, altough the experience was surprising, but all over great, though in a unsual set. one returns that, too, to overleft residues in the steel wool. something to consider!

Sorry to hear that it freaked you out.

But I think this kind of experiences are very common on high doses. Therefore if one isn't ready to be ripped apart, then why load a high dose? One needs nerves of steel to be ripped apart and not freak out...

"Unity requires ecstatic self-sacrifice. Loss of ego brings fright to the unprepared. The fragmentation of form into waves can bring the most terrible fear known to man: the ultimate epistemological revelation."

The Psychedelic Experience
A manual based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead

Should have read this first!!!!




Avatar is Walt Whitman.

Cosmic Consciousness

I highly advocate inhaling slowly.

Also, when things get too much, I never open my eyes. Always try to maintain like you are dead. The brain trying to communicate with the body in that state is just far too confusing. As hard as it sounds with enough will, with eyes closed there's nothing you can't stair down. As soon as you give in, it just gets so much worse.

To add something else, there's no greater benefit for this experience than notifying those around you exactly what you are doing. Even prep. them as to what to do if things get too much. It well lessen fears of consequences greatly.

40mgs is also a huge dose when using an efficent delivery method. Next time just try 25 tops and get the technique well enough, it will certainly do the job.

Beet of luck with future travels

P.s. Don't try to think next time. The ultimate experience is in the silence of the mind.