I've only been interested in psychotropes for about two years now. It simply wasn't on my radar when I was growing up. In fact, I've been a straight-laced goodie-two-shoes most of my life. I never so much as touched alcohol to my lips until after my 21st birthday; never held a cigarette; never knew MJ could even be found in my area. (Actually, I finally tried the latter just last month.) It's been a slow process, but my former legalism and modernist philosophy has given way to a more liberal, mystical understanding of myself and the universe. (I've stuck with Christianity, though, albeit from an existentialist perspective a la Paul Tillich.) However, I still have a terrible track record when it comes to participating in community, despite the amazing potential of the Internet in this regard. Please pardon my exhuberence, but I'd like to post an overview of my journey thus far. I tend to go around sharing my life with everyone who will listen, and now that I've adopted this "rebellious" streak it's important to find a more anonymous outlet!
Three or four years ago, I started to develop an interest in foraging for wild edible plants. Eventually, I found myself trying to identify every weed I came across, which introduced me to the toxic, psychoactive, and medical properties of plants, in addition to their nutritional value. This gradually led to a broader interest in botany and organic chemistry, and a growing fascination with entheogenic drugs. My first non-culinary use of foraged material was an attempt at brewing the ceremonial black drink of the Cherokee from yaupon holly leaves (apparently without success, as it failed to produce a noticeable caffeine buzz).
My next step on the path of translating mere academic interest into action was prompted by the discovery a fly agaric (Amanita muscaria var. guessowii?) growing wild in a local field. I collected the cap and kept it in the fridge for a few days, making absolutely sure of my identification, and psyching myself up to really go ahead and eat it. Finally I just said to Hell with the uncertainties and wolfed the whole thing down in a fit of spontaneity. All it did was make me throw up half an hour later. Of course, I now realize that North American fly agarics are not known for their potency, and I should have roasted the cap to convert any ibotenic acid into muscimol.
This prompted me to make good on my research and buy a number of legal ethnobotanicals on-line. However, my next step turned out to be quite a bit larger than anticipated... I was at a friend's house, excitedly rhapsodizing about my new interest, and he mentioned he had some fortified salvia lying around. It took a while to convince me, but in the end I did consent to take one pull of smoke. I'm sure many of you are much more familiar with salvia than I am... Suffice it to say that I was utterly overwhelmed, clinging like a drowning man to every last shred of my dissolving ego. I'm glad my friend was there to talk with afterward. The ordeal left me shaken, and not overeager to make a habit out of it, but still firmly interested in continuing to look into these matters.
I won't bore you with a synopsis of my entire "altered states" diary. In brief, I dabbled with various low-level experimentals for a while (sun-opener, lion's tail, calamus, lotus, California poppy) and even a couple of specimens that were merely related to purported psychotropes (periwinkle, magnolia, ruffle lichen). I never had much success with any of them, with the exception of sun-opener, and I now realize that was only due to interaction with the anti-depressants I was taking at the time. For some reason, I thought SSRIs were only incompatible with MAOIs and certain strong hallucinogens, leaving me free experiment with other substances, even while maintaining the regime. Of course, this was a naive misapprehension of the processes involved.
Anyway, I was getting impatient with these unimpressive results, but the SSRI issue precluded me from considering ayahuasca, DMT and similar "holy grail" entheogens. So I veered in what most of you will probably say was the wrong direction: alcohol, nitrous oxide, synthetic cannabinoids and kratom. In my folly, I even resorted to consuming a brugmansia flower (not a deliriant dose, but still very unpleasant) and a bottle of Tussin gelcaps (also nothing I plan to revisit any time soon). These were all perfectly legal to acquire (although not necessarily to consume), and certainly rank among the most powerful substances I've ever used. It's clear to me now that this was a low period in my psychonautic career - one that could have devolved into a very bad situation. I guess it might actually have been preferable to get such nonsense out of the way when I was younger. At least I allowed my brain to develop normally...
Okay, fast-forward to the present. It's been almost two years since that first fly agaric assay, and I'm still very much a newbie, without only a handful of significant experiences under my belt. After a long time in the wilderness, alcohol and cannabinoids finally seem to be losing their charm. Of course, I wisened up long ago about the anti-depressants. It quickly became obvious that I could only choose one route to psychological integration, and I chose entheogens. This may have been the wrong decision, since I keep wrestling with OCD and depression, but the SSRIs didn't seem to help with that either. It's time for me to stop holding onto excuses, and move on to pursuing the true hallucinogenic medicines: ayahuasca and DMT. If those don't help, I guess I really should just scrap the whole idea and go back to psychiatric meds. From the tiny glimpses I've seen so far, through lesser substances, I'm convinced it might still be worth my while to find out.
Well, thanks for bearing with me! I do have a quick question for the more experienced psychonauts out there: As I just mentioned, I've been working through a long history of psychological maladjustment - nothing too debilitating, mind you, but I'm definitely rather prone to neuroticism. This is one reason I've kept up an interest in alcohol, even after discovering the hallucinogens; it gives me a measure of mental tranquility, whereas the cannabinoids launch me into an exhausting orgy of philosophical angst and paranoia, and I have enough of that to deal with while sober! Simply put, I have a very hard time with letting go. Can I expect ayahuasca to force the issue, kicking me out of the nest in a potentially liberating way, or am is it more likely to send me on a horror trip of insurmountable anxieties and ego-jealousy? This is pretty much my main motivation in continuing to pursue the entheogens. I need to be driven past myself and this desperate, self-deluding need to be in control, but I can't seem to simply talk myself out of it. Would it be wiser to step back and develop some meditation skills first?