Hello Friends,

I have been reading your words and benefiting from your knowledge for some time now, and I've finally decided that I would like to join your community and participate in its exchange of ideas.

I am a student of many disciplines. At university I am working towards a degree in psychology and philosophy, but only a minute fraction of my recent learnings have come from the classroom. I have always been fascinated by the relationship between art and science, both within the individual and larger society. I love to play music, to paint, to write, and above all to love. For better or worse (better I think), I began experimenting with psychedelics from the ripe young age of 13, primarily cannabis, psilocybin, and LSD. These early experiences created a tension which has manifested itself in many different specific conflicts: between my language and the ideas I wish to communicate, between my senses and the objects they wish to represent, and most fundamentally in the paradoxical notion of having my identity simultaneously united to and divided from the Cosmos.

About one year ago, this tension began making great strides towards its own resolution. I sank into a deep depression and in a moment of purest despair I was graced by the irony of existence to perceive some infinitesimal glimmer of white light which could only have come from within. When I centered my awareness on this glimmer it began to radiate ever more powerfully, obscuring my earthly pains in a nova of boundless joy. I came to realize that this thread of hope is eternal and indestructible, accessible to me in the deepest darkness. Since that time I have done my best to hold onto this thread in pursuit of promised transcendence, though I am still all too human and thus driven to stray from the golden road by primitive appetites.

Soon after this initial glimmer, I brewed Ayahuasca for the first time. It forced me to suffer a hellish physical and psychological purge, but throughout this experience I felt a reassuring metaphysical hand on my shoulder, protecting my soul from all that would do it harm. I emerged in familiar surroundings which had now taken on a preternatural glow. I found that my consciousness was allowed to penetrate the veil of the senses to inhabit whichever object it desired. I was keenly aware of every electromagnetic impulse in my body and my conscious attention could persuade these energetic winds to assume any configuration of which I could clearly conceive. These effects did not disappear the next day; I was still able to harness these newly awakened faculties through purity of intent and power of will, though not with the same degree of mastery which Ayahuasca seemed to impart. Since that time I have devoted myself to meditation and yogic practices. I have had several more experiences with Ayahuasca since the first, each of which seems to have been a continuation of the last, refining my conscious discipline and reinforcing my devotion to spiritual ascent.

In recent times, I have come very close to leaving my body on numerous occasions, with and without chemical assistance. I feel the cable of energy which connects the base of my spine to the crown of my head, extending out to infinity. I raise this energy as high as I can, and I am confronted by breathtaking psychedelic lightplay, ancient chant-like sounds, and vibrations through my entire nervous system. As I start to see the light crystallize into a solid form, bodily sensations cease to feel attached to their corporeal substratum, and just when it seems I am on the verge of escaping material confinement, a panic reflex erupts from my brainstem to fill me with terror and sever my heavenly ladder.

I know this response is irrational, but it is so primitive and involuntary that I do not yet know how it can be circumvented, I only know that I must find a way. I have heard that it only takes a fair amount of exposure to this panic before it can be quelled, but my intuition tells me that at some fundamental level, resistance to the panic is a matter of conscious discipline.

I plan to extract DMT for the first time in the very near future, in the hope that it will give me the practice I need to overcome the panic. I would greatly appreciate any counsel offered by those among you who are experienced in these matters.

Cheers to new friends and fresh ideas.

Hi Quoz... I'm not the experienced member you are hoping to hear from, but I can say welcome. I am new too. My intuition says, though, getting on the horse enough will help, that, and visualizing as best you can two or three steps ahead, finding the signature of either "progress" or the signature of the effect you're looking for. If you can approximate a signature, imagination, substance and surrender could bridge your gap. That's my intuitive response based on other reaches into the unknown that I have experienced for myself.

Like you, very interested to hear an experienced spice traveller's response.

Best to you.

—plex

Panic. We've all been there. It's how the brain is wired. Knowing that it's just neurons doing their job does not make it any less real. Observe the panic, and listen to what it's telling you. At the right moment, you'll break through.

Care to elaborate a little further? I find this statement very interesting. Could you break it down a bit?

Ever had a panic attack before while using a hallucinogen?