Hi all.

Brand new to this, swim has mermosa but not sure how to go about nor have anything else yet, but will read. I will be trying to copy an experience story from joedirt I read here...

https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=22699

Maybe if others see my reason they can help me? I have also read of negative journeys, so the mindset, setting or other factors, the mix, are all things I will have to over come to get to where joe did. Anyway, this is a desperate journey for me and here is my reason.

I was always religious, grew up catholic, didn't always agree with what was said, or the hypocrisy i thought I saw, never did get confirmed. That happens at around 13, so I was already out by then. I had this burning desire to be a good, well no, a great person. To solve people's problems, be intelligent respected, all together a complete and helpful wise and caring person in my mind. But I was a rebel. I was always arguing and fighting with authority, getting in trouble, sometimes serious. People thought I was somehow a punk or dangerous, but inside I was always weak and wanted things to be right. I just started trouble, I couldn't seem to help it. I always knew I'd get over it, and make peace with everyone and it would make sense to me and everyone. Well, graduating high school, I always knew I would be in a great college. I was not, I was in deep shit. So what I knew in my heart was false. Not only was I not going to college, my grades were terrible. I was in trouble with the law and looking at jail time. I wanted to die. I looked at myself lying in my bed late at night and raged. I wanted to be good and loving and I wasn't. I wanted to fit in and help people and I didn't. I needed help and there was none.

I always believed with all my heart there was a god. I thought I knew better and that he was not where they went every sunday, they were hypocrites. I got mad, real mad. I didn't scream out, but laying there I raged. It was all the fury i could muster. I hated the world, this life, the injustice. How could someone want to be good and fall apart like this. I hated God. With all my body mind and spirit I cried out silently to God. Who I knew in my heart, and always knew, was there. I told God I hated him, I hated his world and that I wanted to fight him. I explained to God in my seething rage, that I knew I was nothing and he would flick me away, but he would know I fought back, that was still my victory, mine, and I didn't care. I paused for a second, then it hit me.

It hit me from all around me and inside me, like a blanket or warmth. It was pure love, infinity of love. The feeling was indescribable, there was no judgment or instruction or anything, just pure love. Coupled with it was an emotional feeling of jealousy. I felt it crying out to me "you are mine" I gasped for air, immediately wept. All I could mumble was I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't know, I'm sorry. And it was gone.

That was over 15 years ago, and i have not been able to find my love again. I honestly don't know what religion is correct, even if it is a he or a she. Or neither. I do know when some religions are incorrect, from what I was shown. That is not a help. I have read gnostics who have experiences, gnostic means they no longer believe, they as I do, now know. From some sort of shift in consciousness. They have many different beliefs from their experiences, but one thread that rings true with all of them is this... you need to be ready for when it happens. I was not.

I asked no question, I don't know what to do, but I must do something. I still suffer in this world very much, and I can not bring myself to like it or fit in, I hate it. I try to get along, but see injustice everywhere, I am too weak to do anything, immobilized by weakness in body mind and spirit to do anything, so i have great shame. Everything I think well.. this should happen or if we change this it could be a better place, it seems lacking, I anyway I am impotent to effect and change. I remember recently looking at ducks swimming in the bay. I thought ok.. this is beautiful, i watched them swim and watched the little waves. I saw fish underneath them swimming. The ducks turned and attacked the fish and sand digging out snails and devouring them. Disgusting, and brought me to think we all devour and kill to live here. I am sickened by the whole system. And why can I can not find my love. After that encounter 15 years ago, it is all I think about, returning. Everyday, everything in life, must agree with that encounter, and it never ever does. It was a heavily kiss and I am lost and in misery without it. I want nothing here anymore, it is vile. I want my love, I beg in prayer, and I get nothing. I read every obscure religious text and I can not return.

There are some I have found that have had this experience, the ecstasy of St Teresa and John of the cross, who wrote a beautiful and sad poem of falling in love, being touched and the pain of not being able to find his love again. Pure agony, indescribable agony. To have been kissed and left. The only thought, is what a hideous wretch I am, why can I not find my love. I do not care who my love is, I will do anything, and yet nothing works. I feel as if I am in the matrix, and this a disgusting prison, enticing me with false beauty. It may seem beautiful but it is not, and the true beauty is hidden from me. I can not tell if my love is not strong enough to break through the walls or if I am my own prisoner.

I do know this. My shame is included in my experience. All I did was say how sorry I was and beg for forgiveness, looking back, this was gross, I wish with all my heart, I would have said I love you too, and of course who are you.

So anyway, I can't get back, I'm lost and yet as well as reading some people from religious texts who have this experience, there are others, and they are here. Teresa and John are gone, you are not. I read too some of your travelers who have had similar encounters. We may have very different views on religion and the world. In the one referenced above is nothing about a bad world, but a good one. But the rest sounds familiar to me. I need to know more. I read about bad experiences too. I am willing to risk it. This journey is everything to me, I wish it could have come through mediation or prayer or some other way. But I will do what it takes. If anyone could help, I am very worried about a few things.

1) Not being able to remember, does anyone talk to a recorder? or is that not possible?
2) Navigating, if it is a quick and furious 5 mins, how do you get to where you need to go.
3) Bad entities, in my heart I feel I am being lied to and hidden from the truth, so I have an expectation, hopefully not self fulfilling, that I will be tricked or pestered or frightened away. Any advice here?

A very long post. If anyone takes the time to read, thank you so much. I respect you more than you will know. You are the Indiana Jones of our time. I hope you find treasure.

Hey there ryanc

Your story is touching. I can feel your aching heart.

This can certainly seem to be a cruel and unfair existence we share. I know that many many souls have raged and pained for the kind of experience you seek. Many have raged and not even had the singular experience you've already experienced... and shared with us.

Don't despair. It's not as hard as it seems. It's hard. But it is possible to overcome. Or perhaps I should say that it is possbile to let yourself be overcome.

What you seek is not something that can be done. There is no technique or method that will do it. It is something you must stop doing. To receive is to be passive. This is why most people only find it when they are completely broken down.

It is possible that spice might be a key that can unlock the doors for you. At the very least, it will shatter much of what you think you know... which will make it easier for truth to approach you and fill your cup.



1) Yes. It is possible, though there are no words to capture the experience... and having a tape of yourself saying "Oh my G*d!" a dozen times and sputtering is not all that helpful. (souveneirs from hyperspace)

2) It is possible to navigate, but it is usually not necessary as you will be shown whatever you need to be shown. Also, you can not intend to go somewhere that you do not even know exists.

3) It is certainly possible to have the experience of malicious or predatory beings. Do your best to keep your mind, body and spirit clear. Holding fast to something uplifting can keep negative experiences at bay. Positive music and saying something like "oneness" to yourself over and over might keep any negative thoughts you might entertain from pulling anything unfriendly to you.

No one can give you any assurances. It is 99% sure that you will be astonished and utterly shocked, though. If you decide to go forward and join the psychonautical ranks, be willing to let go and flow with whatever presents itself to you. No matter what happens, you will make it through to the other side.

If you truly want to be a force for good and help, just do it. Go out and help some people. Without thought of gain or recompense. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Sit and talk to old lonely people at an old age home.

Every step you take towards goodness will result in the Universe taking 10 steps towards you.

Don't sweat it if other people don't get it. Don't worry about doubters. Just be righteous and follow your heart. You can do it.

Peace be with you brother.

I feel for you, I wish I could give you that love more that anything. It pains me to know that you hurt. I will pray for you to find that love.

My upbringing was what shaped me into the person I am now. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic/coke/crack/heroine addict (aka my dad) who would beat my mom until she passed out in front of me and my brother.
When I was 13 and started turning into a woman his rage turned from her to me as well. There were times in high school that I couldn't go to school because I had too many bruises and my mom wouldn't risk a social worker taking me and my brother away. I wanted to go to college, but I was naive, I thought my parents (for some reason) would help me pay for it, but alas no. I got into a controlling relationship with a felon who was 4 years older than me my senior year of high school. He helped me escape my house sometimes, but he was controlling and I had none of my own friends beside him. I was in that relationship for 4 years. Four years that in retrospect were like a void in my life. I knew I had to end it though, I felt lost in my own life, I had no idea who 'I' actually was.

I came out of the relationship a year ago to find that I had made no friends beside the ones he had. It was incredibly lonely. The long relationships people build with friends in their teens and early 20's I had missed. I longed for the experience of 'just chilling with friends at their place'. Then I met some people who would go out after work and drink. It was fun until I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I had been drinking too much, I looked sick. One night it got out of hand and I got arrested for a DUI. I thought to myself "I've always been such a good person, I've always been nice, friendly and optimistic. I've been beaten, degraded, and more. Now the first time in my life I have friends and I get arrested, charged with a DUI and am in the legal system. How is this fair?". I kept thinking that I just wasn't meant to be in this world. That there is something different about me that just is simply not compatible with this world. I had been christian, I had prayed, I had cried and begged to feel the peace and love that I was told would come when you accepted Jesus and God into your heart. It never happened, I kept praying, things worked out sometimes and I chalked it up to God looking out for me.

It wasn't until I turned completely passive until I found peace and love. I will admit DMT has helped me find this passive headspace.
I realized that I could not control anything. nothing, I could influence things sometimes, a little bit, but that to attempt to control others, natural processes or anything of the like is impossible.
I realized "It is this way because it is this way." I didn't like that idea at first, but when I fully accepted it I felt peace. I no longer tried to fight or control the world, only to observe it. If I can make some peoples lives happier or better that is the best I can hope for. I found that love came from living beyond myself, and not thinking of 'self' anymore but to think of everything else.
I realized that this life was a ride, and I'm not, nor was I ever driving it. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy it though.
I told the universe I love it, and it told me it loves me too.

Hi ryanc, welcome and thanks for sharing!

I had a similar experience with Catholicism as a child, being preached to and not buying it. I also had trouble wanting to be very good but always causing pain. I've managed to kind of force that part of myself into a dark alter-ego that I seek to destroy, but he always evades me, but that's just my crazy way of dealing with my own sins.

I felt the touch once myself. I had just been given DMT for the first time and have been speculating for a while on whether or not to try it out, when one day out of no where I felt the warmth o God just reaching down and filling me and saying, "Yeah, I'm here, you can come visit anytime with that stuff, or you can stay home, I'm with you and love you no matter what," and it left. I don't think I will ever recapture it, but it's ok for me to just know it's there.

Hyperspace Fool gives about the best advice you can get there. I remember I spent a long time chasing God through the rabbit hole, at least a few hours spent screaming into the mirror, and never felt anything. The day I decided to let it go and just have fun with my trips was the day the light came to me.

1. Memory is kind of a strange thing out there. The way it works for me is that I go in expecting not to remember anything, and usually I come out with a few clear images and a distinct concept of what happened, who I met and so on. I think most people would agree, if you meet the Boss and ask nicely he'll probably let you remember his voice or touch. From your story I imagine he will have great sympathy.

2. I can't say myself, I've never tried to specifically navigate, when I'm at those heights I tend to just follow the Blue Lady and avoid the insects, and if you get lost in the time travels you can teleport back to the beginning and try again.

3. These guys are almost always just bags of hot air. I wouldn't worry about finding them on your first outing, the benevolent and neutral entities tend to notice travelers early on, and the bad guys tend to only show up for the folks that push too hard. Usually. Two pieces of advice: For the deception you fear, I recommend coming up with at least a couple of specific "facts" that you believe in regardless of what they say, for example "God exists". If they tell you otherwise, have faith in yourself and call them out, which leads to the second one; for the bullies, do your best to brave and be ready to fight back. This can be dangerous, from what I hear DMT won't let you fight if it doesn't want to, but I can usually stare the Devil down if he dares to show up. Fear is one of their weapons, so if you're not afraid, they're disarmed.

Also the point you mentioned about shame is somewhat important, but you really shouldn't feel too shameful about it. Simply feeling bad and apologizing for your wrongdoing, when you're up there, can be the greatest redemption and cleansing a person can experience.

I guess, in short, we're with you, He's waiting. Don't be afraid, come and see!