I've experienced several somewhat profound trips since DMT Nexus was 'out of business'. 3 Which were my first ever TRUE psychedelic experiences, if you don't count being stoned countless times on marijuana. The first two (Rue+mimosa) are worth writing a report on because of a very strange occurrence that I've told no one about.. and maybe some of you have experienced? (I will get around to making a compressed report for the Ayahuasca because I could use feedback from you guys)

To the point: Nearly a month ago I had had two Syrian Rue and Mimosa Hostilis trips. The first I used 5G Mimosa and then 15G the second time a week later. Both were hellish experiences but the second was far stronger and insane after I consumed a buttered wheat bun to jump start the trip. Visuals were minor both times but I still felt a strong trip within. I couldn't sit up after eating the bun because I felt too sick. Both trips lasted only two hours. The second trip diagnosed me with Autism. I felt great and very talkative after it was over. I started to have high hopes in Ayahuasca.

Then... 10:00pm Sunday I was camping in a tent 15 yards from my dad who was sleeping in the bed of his truck. At around 12:30AM yesterday morning, I ate 4 ground HBWR seeds. My stomach had a burning sensation for 8+ hours. I felt I couldn't sit up for very long and didn't consider throwing up during the middle of the trip. I chose to just lie there and fell asleep for maybe an hour. Once it started brightening outside I was starting to feel a bit unnerved. No visuals were present, just horrifying reality setting in. What was frightening about this was I thought I would feel this way for the rest of my life. My feelings toward my life weren't irrational. It's actually a matter of accepting my whole nutty family, which at the moment was much too difficult. So I covered my head with the sleeping bag and hoped this madness would leave me. I believe the whole madness of the trip was derived from the feeling that "Life isn't worth living". This is far from usual and not true. Whether or not my burdens are far worse than the average man does not matter. I believe I've taught myself well (or maybe my supposed autism allows me to adapt and accept reality well?) and people see me as very optimistic.

8:00AM - The ample chirping of cardinals was maddening to my situation. I was frightened to see the light in my tent and in my surroundings. I summoned some courage and eventually crawled toward the tent entrance.I decided to call my dad and ask for a bottle of water while holding myself on all fours. I told him I felt sick, and it did get a bit cold last night, especially when I noticed the vasoconstricting effects kicking in. He mentioned my drinking of orange juice and the high acidity possibly making me feel uneasy. I got up and out, walked several yards towards the forest and forced a good barf. I get dehydrated easily without knowing and have trouble vomiting unless I have water to add to whatever comes out. Immediately I felt better, but this was short-lived. After 20 minutes I had to lie back down and deal with the reoccurring madness that is my reality. Soon after I lied down, I heard my dads truck take off. To where? I didn't know.

Soon I heard another truck pull up nearby and got out to try my best in integrating such a harsh experience. I sat by the tent on a picnic table and was trying to sort my thoughts into a more rational thinking. The thought of "my dad left me, and I and these two poor dogs are now orphaned" had crept in my mind. It didn't help when the truck that pulled up nearby had some creepers who were eying my campsite. They pretended to look up into the trees nearby and I felt they were spying to check out the scene at my campsite. I wasn't in plain site; I somewhat hidden behind the tent and hunched over, contemplating this 'mental disaster'. I didn't want them to see me so after a few minutes I hopped in the tent, and kept a birch wood beating stick nearby. My dad left this with me the night before in case I had to use it on anything. But in this case I could have used it on 'anyone'. I was NOT in the mood to deal with thieves and was prepared to ragingly lash out at these intruders if needed. Yes, like a mad man. I've always resented when people steal things from my parents or things my parents had given to me. It made me sick to the core. It proved to me that not even my parents are in control.

I attempted to contact my dad through text. "Where you go?" I awaited his text as to where he was and the need to throw up again was urgent in my mind. Finally he had returned his text along with himself in the truck and I was relieved to see this. I retrieved another bottle of water to allow myself more vomiting in hopes of 'returning to normal'. By now the rough characters who were eying our site had gone. I put myself up to more head throbbing vomiting and finally had felt free of any nausea. The relief was not only bodily, but in my mind also. For getting only one hour sleep I had ample energy. He wanted to scout for lost golf balls since we were 10 minutes walking time from a golf course. We did this then left.

I was appreciative of this newly found mental clarity and sight of truth. But still I can feel the fright lingering in the back of my mind. I know it's there but it's not triggered at the moment. When I left my dads house and returned to my home I had picked up on the fear again. The particular fear that my life wasn't worth the trouble was present in mind but not so prominent.

After being home for a while and scoping out my issue with a good dose of optimism, I decided to take a shower. I wanted to fuel my cleansing thoughts with good music so I checked what was in my iPhone player. Banco De Gaia - Touching the Void; an amazing song (my favorite in fact), but too difficult to listen to on my 15g Mimosa trip. I began to play it even though it usually brings up fear of the unknown, or maybe I just can't handle it when tripping. The sound was strangely soothing, and was complimented by the texts from a close friend who I recently let in on my fondness of psychedelics. I told him a bit about the trip but didn't mention that my hellish experience. The shower felt good; I had gone a bit through the song and by now I was feeling hope become stronger and stronger. Hope had manifested itself to where all I could sense were feelings of joy. I affirmed to myself dozens of times, "Life is worth living!", to the beat of the song. To my surprise this hopefulness lasted throughout the night. When I woke up this morning I played the song again and meditated to it; with all the optimism I had I affirmed to myself that things were okay. Life was worth living. I enjoy just being alive. Only once today did I have the darkness creep in my mind and the same frightening thoughts attempt to return. Once I found something to do, other than search "Shrooms and Autism" online, I felt better again.

While beginning to write this I felt discouraged, like there was no hope for me in psychedelics other than the healings of Ayahuasca. However, I stuck it out and finished this. I believe ego death for me is possible; It's just I'm going to have hell reaching it. I'm looking for of integrating such an experience like this, in case things get rough again. I don't blame Hawaiian Baby Wood Rose seeds for the bad trip. Perhaps this is how one learns from even a haunting experience. Or perhaps I shouldn't 'go there' again till I am well, or at all. I'd like to hear from someone who's had a similar experience of hopelessness that persisted after becoming sober. I'm also looking for ways to integrate. Things I should read? "Remember, Be Here Now" seems promising. Would it help? Any suggestions, stories of your own, and anything else of that nature would be appreciated.

The good thing is I'm feeling better and better as I get re-accustomed to my life. If you've bothered to read this far, thank you so much I will return to check in in a few hours but for now I have to head to town.

Hey!

At some point it got a bit confusing, I didnt know if this experience was the 15g mimosa one or if it was the HBWR. I guess HBWR and the other part was just mentioned as something you did some other day, yes?

Ok so first of all regarding only 2 hours oral mimosa trip. What dosage of rue are you taking? It sounds like maybe not enough. Also how are you consuming/preparing the rue and the mimosa? Also 15g mimosa with no visuals sounds weird, that dosage is way too high and should have kicked your ass + given loads of visuals Where is the mimosa from, are you sure its good quality? Was it powdered?

Also what do you mean with the 'trip diagnosed you with autism' ? You diagnosed yourself?

As for HBWR, I dont like it, it gives me weird nausea and not spectacular-enough insights, I dont feel it to be a particularly special substance. In any case, did you scrape well the outer layer of the seeds before consuming them? Seems the nausea-causing nasties are mostly on the outside, so if you didnt, I recommend to next time. Also eat (dont make tea) some ginger to help preventing nausea.

And the whole experience, I think there are a few issues of set and setting there. If you are taking a psychedelic substance next to your dad and you have to hide from him, and if there can be weird people coming to the campsite to potentially rob you, I dont think that helps with you letting go and getting the full lessons of the substance. Maybe next time choose a better situation.

I think the effects of substances should wear off when they are pharmacologically not active. Though they can kickstart psychological processes, insights and feelings that can last longer, specially if you didnt integrate them. The other thing might be your psychological condition, autism (if you really have it), I have no idea how autism+psychedelics mix (and if thats a really recommended combination). Did you check our health and safety section, in the WIKI? Check that out and read the integration part, hopefully it has some good tips for you, even though some is meant more about dmt, most of the tips serve for psychedelic/non-ordinary experiences in general I think.

If there's anything written there you would like to discuss here, feel free.

Good luck and I hope you can find that inner peace and balance you are looking for.

I'm with end here on the confusing part - did you dose mimosa or HWBR, mushrooms or what?

secondly I also agree that the setting was probably not ideal in which you dosed whatever it was you ingested. Being in an environment where you feel safe and comfortable IMO is best for getting a proper experience. Anything else might just result in confusion and tenseness, that really has nothing to do with your insides, but rather the exterior and momentary conditions. Thus an experience like that is less beneficial if you are looking for self-reflection/-development or understanding or in general the mind-manifesting properties of psychedelics.

This thing we call ego-death is however often preceded by intense fear, because the ego senses its own death and often suggests to us that this is a real threat to our entity-existence. It helps to remind yourself that whatever is happening will pass, that you are not in real danger (it helps when you know that this is true); I use my breath, by exhaling to release the fear and release myself and let go of this construct of the person I believe to be most of the times.

In any case for a really deep experience I would suggest not having to do anything for that time. Whether in nature or at home, I would try not to make plans. If you decide you should walk and explore nature then go for it, but you should also have the option to not do it, in case the experience floors you and you just merge into the infinite lattice of energy-vibrations

Hope your future experiences are a bit smoother.

cheers & love
Enoon

In my experience, ego death is fairly rare when using DMT, even with higher doses. My deepest, strongest experiences left my ego perfectly intact.

If ego death is a goal, then I’d recommend salvia. A moderate dose of salvia almost guarantees ego death every time. At least that has been my experience. When taken with the same respect and attention to set and setting as DMT, salvia can be very rewarding.

gibran2, I guess you didnt read his post because there was no dmt involved

But in any case just out of curiosity, what do you mean with 'left ego intact'? I mean did you remember you had vaporized dmt? Because in my strongest trips I have no idea who am I, my ego, my past, smoking dmt, etc, I am just there experiencing whatever is happening. Is it not like that with you?

To me it seems like some people have a stronger awareness than others. I don't mean to be offensive, it's just the way some of us are wired.
For instance, no matter how much DMT I smoke, my awareness, or ego, is always totally intact, observing, aware. Even during the most insane experiences and doses, whatever I am, was there. (I mostly think hyperspace is just an accelerated projection of our consciousness anyway)

I have experienced ego death from alcohol, which I no longer consume. From brugmansia, which I will never ever do again and will slap anyones face for even considering! And various pharmaceuticals which I no longer use, either.

Some people smoke DMT and totally black out from the sheer intensity of the experience. If you can metabolize spacetime at a high frequency, chances are you'll be wide awake in hyperspace For those of you who black out or don't get anything out of the rapid experience...keep trying. I feel like awareness is an exercise just like lifting weights. The more you observe in that state, the more you can observe, and remember, and bring back......to never forget.......

Oh dont get me wrong I dont mean im not aware during the experience. In fact I feel perfectly aware, clearer than ever, except I have no recollection of the personality/background (my name, phonenumber, concept of dmt, whatever) to my awareness, I am just there experiencing whatever is happening, aware and completely into the moment, feeling totally connected to it, until it gradually sinks in that I smoked dmt and so on.

^I find that really interesting, I have only very rarely experienced that and it was during black out instances from shitty drugs.

I Would love to learn what sets us apart as individuals in this respect. We all seem to react in our own unique ways.

I read the original post, but confused the chronology.

I’ve had experiences as you describe them where I have no memory of smoking DMT, no memory of who I am, where I am, when I am. When I get back from some of those experiences, it takes me a while to remember what time of day it is, and what day of the week it is. So yes, I’ve had experiences of that sort.

I’ve also had two experiences with “ego replacement”. In these experiences, I was an alien being, going about my alien life. My thoughts were alien thoughts and my memories were alien memories. There was no knowledge or memory of any other existence. Then, very slowly, I became aware of another existence. As my awareness of this other “human” existence faded in, memories of my alien existence faded out. These were two of the strangest DMT experiences I’ve ever had.

But in my most intense experiences, there is perfect clarity and no loss of ego. If anything, there’s a heightened sense of self. My most extreme experience (I’ve posted about it before) was so different from an ordinary DMT experience that I became convinced I had died. I remembered smoking DMT, was very much aware of who I was, my memories were intact, my thinking was unusually clear, but what I was experiencing was unlike anything I had ever experienced on DMT before (or since).

Last paragraph gave me chills!!!
There is always that one trip. I've written about it too. Infinitely different and unique. Totally dead forever. I'll never forget that!!!!!!!

I experience ego death with DMT, but not to the degree I do with LSD or psilocybin. With 300 to 500ug of LSD or 5 grams of cubensis, I can melt into eternity for a few hours if I so please, and the longer the ego death experiences are the more they seem to be more comprehensive and meaningful, and easy to integrate into every day life. Ego death experiences with DMT are different for me because the DMT reality is out of this world, I generally am focused on the "other worldliness" and find my thought processes to be mine, as they always are. The short duration of DMT experiences when vaporized are what makes it a weaker tool for ego death, for me. As for channeling into states of wonder, pure ecstasy, bliss, and love, DMT takes the cake for me. Now I just need to start smoking DMT during my long duration tryptamine trials. ^_^

Interesting guys.. I mean, I definitely had many trips where I was aware and it was still very strong, so its not like that didnt happen.. But I often had strong trips where I had no idea I smoked dmt. And yeah house I wonder what makes it go one way or another.

(btw gibran very interesting I also had the ego replacement thing, I got turned into a gardener once, taking care of a tree, was very interesting (I already worked with gardening but in this experience it wasnt just a task, I was really another person)

I am getting so many flashbacks reading this thread it's AWESOME! I can certainly relate to the ego replacement. I have been and done things that I will NEVER be able to articulate. But for me, I wasn't solely whatever that was, I was hypersace and my consciousness split and together at the same time. Like multitasking perspectives. Fucking amazing.

First of all, those experiences are awesome!

I have heard that LSD is effective in ego death, probably much more so than DMT but then again I've never done LSD myself.

In The Spirit Molecule, Dr. Strassman talks about how he thought DMT was going to result in standard mystical ego death experiences, but got completely different results with it than he expected. Almost none of the experiences described fit the criteria for an ego death-mystical, or NDE.

First off, thanks for the replies.

Last night I figured it would be confusing and I admit to always having a hard time staying on topic (randomness or lack of structure of my thoughts?), especially since I was in a bit of a hurry to leave. Initially I was just going to write a paragraph asking the question, but I ended up describing the whole HBWR trip.

To clear up some confusion: The trip I described was on 4 HBWR seeds. There was no husk it seemed and they were smooth. Yes, endlessness, I had no visuals :/. Makes me wonder if I will ever see anything. Though I've been thinking if I trip with a friend it will feel as though everything is okay. By myself I am much different and often forget I have a family, friends, life outside whatever I'm doing . I've been using 4G syrian rue tea every time. Oh and with Aya, it's hard for me to purge; I possibly get dehydrated especially after purging several times. I drank sink water to help throw up and water probably sobered me up? An hour before drinking the mimosa I made sure to drink plenty of water on the second trip and still I had trouble.

The mimosa came from a site that sells 112G shredded for less than $20. Very cheap compared to most sites. I believe the potency has gone down since it arrived because it seemed like the color faded a bit after a week.

I read through Tim Leary's "The Psychedelic Experience" before my HBWR trip and thought I was ready. They were labeled as "Elephant Creeper" which I think comes from India. I'm probably not going to mess with these again or even the Hawaiian strain.

My mind is usually cloudy and it's difficult trying to pick certain things to say. But here are the main points of concern: I don't want to do shrooms if they make me feel like I felt on HBWR. Did the 8+ hours of stomach burning cause me to think irrationally and fear my reality? Will tripping with a trusted sitter bring light to an experience and change the whole aspect of my trips? Someday I'd like to try acid too but if I feel how I felt on Monday morning I just need to stay away. The reason I'm using Mimosa+rue is because I heard Chacruna is a hit or miss in potency. If I may ask, is there a supplier with potent Chacruna I can look to? Anything else you guys can add surely helps. Thanks again

Also, what would help me focus on Ego death during trips. I already try to keep a blindfold on and avoid distractions. And maybe I shouldn't listen to the select music I have. Is silence and Ayahuasca a good mix? Has anyone had success with closet tripping? I will do whatever necessary to lose my ego, so long as I don't wind up in a mental hospital.

Instead of focusing on ego death, try going with the flow... simple as that really ...

I don't think I've had anything to flow with. There's been no visuals, only minor differences and strange patterns in the trees when I look. On my first Mimosa trip I saw sad faces up in the trees and usually I'm not sure what's going on within.

Thanks for your patience, guys. I’m sure by now it’s clear I lack intelligence in the communication department. I didn’t speak until I was 2 ½ years old.

When I’m ready I will give shrooms a go and hopefully there will be visuals. Disregard my confusing posts for fear of facepalm. So long