There is a lesson you can easily forget. Its the hardest lesson. If you acknowledge, that you have become someone who dwells in pain. „Let him be, he opted for pain!“ they told me and it is true. I've become someone with a thick maskk of pain, covering my whole body, weaving around my soul like rotten mycelium. So strong, i surpress this basic truth: To have failed in my pursuit of happiness, to be encrusted with this black fungi of fear and anxiety, working in the background with infinite, self-feeding loops. Making me unable to breakthrough to this realm of inner peace and focus. You can't work from within, if there is no real you. The real you needs to be in touch with reality. But if you cover yourselver with a patina of negative emotion, you're blocking the love. Do i think that this is self-punishment? Perhaps in the beginning. But now its more like a parasite feeding off me. The spice told me again to remember. I has been a continuation of my last experience where i was set on fire. But now I remember the lesson: You can decide wether you want negative emotions in your life or not. How? I don't know yet. I might...now, i will need assistance from the medicine. But it needs to be strong. That's what i know. Emotions from the outside world don't affect me. Everything is in focus so i can see the problem. No euphoria, just this tired feeling of beeing helpless. A fight ego against healing power.

So I lie naked in my bed, and try to figure things out. But in the end i just need to break free from this machinery of negative emotion. Is this the healing power of the vine? I know of no healing ...but i know that ackknowledgement of the problem means shaving away the first layer of misery. It means allowing the medicine to penetrate deeper layers of consciousness. I'm so far away from that thing called breakthrough. The same thing which holds me back in „real life“ is holding me back in the psychedelic state. It's not about „letting go“ or „focusing“ but about acknowledging. This thing runs deeper than hyperreality. Deeper than fantastic voyages. It's a matter of life or death ...of decision making and indeciveness. Do I want to be happy or not?

„Let him be, he wants to be in pain!“ they said as my body was filled with burning hot. I switched on the light, the bright psychedelic sun crumbling my gnome body and I though: „This is it...acknowledgement of the problem in my psychedelic life. In life...feeling it! This is now. Yet another start....

Sounds like a pretty solid start to me.

I have an issue with aya where she shows me what is possible, but then she leaves me without the will to do it.

She shows the way, but she will not walk it for you.

It was vaped spice with lots of 10x caapi leaf/vine smoked. I felt the presence of the vine spirit...but it was more in the background most of the time. There is so much work to be done, its almost depressing. Not sure if i'll ever be able to work myself free.

you are struggling to find peaceful moments.
searching for that breathless blissfulness.

to feel trapped in a mindset that won't let you escape.

frustration can mount and get in the way.

sometimes music helps me break through but you have to just think of it as melting, just feel it's awesome warm ray of light and melt in it and ride with it.

goooood vibes to ya.

I went through something very recently that could perhaps be similar. I was put face-to-face with my "tough girl" act.

Tough girl doesn't need people around her... tough girl doesn't cry... tough girl is strong enough to live alone...

And then, the wailing reality that I have distanced myself from the capacity to experience true happiness because I shut myself off, in fear of being alone.

That fear ran deep. That fear was from a very little girl who didn't want to be punished for crying... crying when no one was home... because no one was home... or...

Anyway, I discovered a powerful need to connect physically (but non-sexually) with other people after that. It's a very strange concept to try and integrate considering the profound extent of the repression of society.

But... small steps... and just acknowledging the simplest things for what they really are... So if you need to cry, go ahead and cry... The more you can feel, the more complete you are.

Best wishes and share here if you need to.

Many times I end up with a technique that i use to break myself of resistance. I usually go into the forest for all my journeys and basically exhaust myself by hiking all over the place. Its a whole insane process that includes finding the right spot for the journey. Sometimes it takes me hours to finally get to the point where i'm ready to go in. Its tricky because if your too tired and the spice has no effect.

I know when its right. One of the things i've noticed is that the type of journey you have has so much to do with what kind of mental state you are in at the moment. There is a certain sweet spot of an experience that i love that only occurs when i'm in a positive mindset.

I have learned to recognize the perfect conditions in myself. Its a narrow window of opportunity.

Most of the time i'm in some kind of bi polar funk , a general low grade depression. I've been this way most of my life. I have learned to stay away from spice when i'm in this headspace.

THere are times when my mood lifts for a period of days. Thats the moment when i go to journey. It works

I've also become aware of deep grief harboring in my mind. A grief comeing from not dealing with certain things in my life.

My father whom i was very close to died a few years back. It was so hard to handle that i suppressed all emotions surrounding him.

Last week during a deep journey this grief began to well up. It felt like the vine was gently helping me to purge this grief.

I cried uncontrollably for at least an hour it was the most amazing release i've had in years.

I'm beginning to think we have the ability to manifest hyperspace into anything we want.

I would begin to try and think of what it means to you and what you would like it to be for you.

I believe it will become this for you. spend time thinking of what you want it to be.

Change the story, I think we can shape it with our intention. You don't have to be miserable.

hey obliguhl, i think this video will greatly help you, as it has helped me: Causeless Happiness
watch the whole thing; and don't let it be "just another spiritual teaching with abstract concepts." Put it into practice and live the truth of it in every moment. Adyashanti is my favorite spiritual teacher, and if you like this video, then check out his other ones too. In this one, his main teaching is that the very pursuit of happiness, is the perfect prescription for pain and suffering. Realize that happiness and peace are already present in each moment, and let go of the desire to pursue happiness (i found this letting go to be challenging in my case). Once you've let go, and surrender completely to the NOW, the state of causeless happiness will automatically resurface. I know similar teachings have been heard and told countless times, but if the teaching hasn't yielded a result, then it hasn't been applied. Your mind may resist surrendering due to its conditioning to feel pain, but you must be consistent and diligent, and i guarantee you will feel a whole lot better..but first you must let go of the pursuit of happiness.
hope this helps bro, and best of luck surrendering

My last trip was exactly like that. I had been walking for an hour and a half looking for the right spot. Then I found it and it was more than worth the effort. One of the best trips I've had so far. Not the deepest or strongest but so smooth and amazing.

I haven't watched the video, but I like what you say here

obliguhl, I am both saddened and made happy by your post.

I am sad to hear that you are living with so much pain, and I am happy to hear that you have recently acknowledged this.

I have a simple idea that *might* help you with this.

In the past, when I have been feeling down, I have always let that effect my life. Starting with it effecting my actions, which later end up effecting my feelings even worse. I had become conditioned to dwelling in misery. I hated my life, wanted nothing more than to be dead.

Then I heard some very powerful (to me) words of wisdom.

Basically, what I have learned is instead of letting my feelings control my actions, letting my actions control my feelings has led to tremendous love and joy for life.

It sounds like some cheesey advice that some counselor who has never their self experienced what you are going through would tell you.

If you feel like crap, instead of reinforcing that feeling with crappy actions, break the cycle. Instead, do good things, even if you dont feel like doing them. Because the odds are, after you have spent a whole day doing great things, you will feel great.

I wish I could tailor this to your circumstances better. But just like the medicine wont integrate your experience for you, neither can the messenger.

I guess I would recommend forcing yourself to do things that bring pleasure to you. Wether that be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual pleasure is up to you. I think that since you have already acknowledged that you are living in pain, dwelling on pain, depending on pain, you can begin to make the choice to change that. If you want to. Which, truthfully, every individual truly does not want to be miserable, you may think that you want misery, I think maybe you have just lost site of the reality of it. I think possibly, it isnt that you want misery, but that you want challenges, maybe over the years you have misinterpreted your desire for challenge as a desire for adversity, due to constant conditioning via your own misunderstanding of your internal dialogue, multiplied through feedback loops reinforcing the miscomunication.

My recomendation for you is to do things that are challenging, give yourself a more accurate connection to your true desires. If you do challenging things, you will feel challenged, when you are constantly putting forth your best effort at overcoming obstacles (whether that means riding a bike rather than driving, cooking rather than eating out, sticking to a schedule rather than being spur of the moment, or any other way that you can make your life require more positive effort, as long as the reward is greater if you accomplish it, and you are not putting yourself in harms way) then your life will be that much more strenuous, and you will in time make the connection for yourself, that you do not desire to live in pain, but that you were in fact in need of some way to contrast your experiencial existence so that you could sort of recalibrate the scale of satisfaction in life, realizing that you were not desiring pain, but rather, requiring a higher intensity of life than you have been living...

I could be completely wrong though... just my personal opinion from my personal experiences...

I do believe that if you start exerting as much effort into enjoying life, without any particular expected result, in time you will see that life really is what you make it, and that you were not wanting misery, you just were not completely in touch with your desires.

It is very important for me to state that when you are putting effort into enjoying life, you must at the same time seperate yourself from your desires, or rather DISTANCE yourself from your desires. To better explain let me state this; In my life I had a very high expectation of what was considered "A good life" or a "satisfactory" life even. The moment that I lowered my desired quality of life, I began enjoying my life SO MUCH MORE. It has really transformed me. I hope I have been clear enough with this communication so that it can help you in the way it has helped me.

Please keep us up to date...

I came to the conclusion that I was created to do that (dwelling on pain). Therefore I don't have to feel so bad about it. I can accept it.

But this cannot be forced. It's the result of a slow process. After million attempts, it just comes. Like being too tired to run the same circles again, therefore you just leave it as it is. Or just watch how it unfolds again, but you don't get involved in it because you're not interested any more. It's boooring.

In the first years it was a protective suit which was of great use. I built up considerable skills in its use (and abuse). But as this was my only one way of connecting to others, it became a prison. Now the only way I can be is this. And I want to get rid of it, but I can't, the habit, the attachment is too strong. Yes, it became a parasite. I came to believe that yes, there is another rock which I could stand on - not just theoretically, but practically, in the life-death way of seriousness -, but making this step seems impossible.

My hope in psychedelics is probably that: that once I get to a place where it's not my decision any more. That someone else will kick me out of this and then, having fallen down to the ground, I can realize that there was a ground all along. Sweet, sweet freedom.

But it seems we have free will. Damn.

I am on the same path obliguhl. I am nowhere close to being satisfied in this life, there is so much more to learn and experience. I realize entheogen use is one thing, but utilizing the insights in life is more important, I need to stand firmly and not be discouraged. I too need to break free of this negativity, it is not helping in guidance or fulfillment. I am so negligent to what could be..lost and confused. Sometimes I realize that trying is one of the most important things you can do. This may ease your struggles...inspiration from Terence McKenna

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5GUvaitm_c

Excellent use of words. Very poetic in a sense.

Seems like just about as intimate an experience gets. An excellent report.

I urge you to consider thinking about weather or not your putting too much emotion into DMT.
No matter the drug or medicine or anything/anyone, putting too much emotional dependence in one thing is never healthy.

-Safe voyages!

Already try to do that, good suggestion though, thanks!

@msminxx
Well, I guess it can be dangerous to surpress your emotion..I've already cried and screamed into the experience, but that doesn't made any differences...it just absorbs it and says: "Jolly good show!"

@Felnik
The idea of finding the right spot seems very appealing to me. Maybe it would also work with mushrooms slowly starting to take hold (even though more risky).

@Phantastic
The video shows the one thing i still have hope in, the inner light. But it needs to breakthrough the layers of darkness. It think that'S what the experience showed me...the thick layers of darkness.

@Rollenberg
Thanks, good advice. I sometimes want to give random people compliments. I think thats what i should try. The whole "challenge yourself" thing doesnt work. The doable challenges are to small to make any difference because its easy to downplay them because EVERYONE can do them beside me with no problems at all.

@cellux
Yes that's basically it.

@sublime
Mckenna - always appreciated

@abc1234560
Too much emotion? I don't know...its like telling me not to put too much emotion into life.

I'm glad obliguhl that you find the truth of inner light helpful. Another video, also by Adyashanti, that will really help you, like it helped me is this: The Cause of Suffering
he points out in this video that the most important question is: "what's the truth?" "Most of us want to feel better, but we don't actually want to see how it is that we're misperceiving the truth." Find out how is it that you are creating your own suffering through your own misperceptions.
I know its a lot easier said than done, but there's only one way out of suffering that brings lasting peace, and that is THE TRUTH.

meditation will greatly help if you're not doing it already. infact for me, it was the only thing that ever helped me out of my suffering. The best book i've read in my life is also by Adyashanti, called True Meditation. I suggest you buy a copy (its a very thin book and very cheap and comes with a CD; i can gaurantee you won't regret it). You can also download it from HERE (audio version). He mentions in his book that meditation directly brings you into your most natural state. Meditation is simply BEING in every moment, and thus not a discipline. it is the most simplest and most natural thing in the world. meditation is not a state at all, its a non-state. It may seem like its not helping for a defined amount of initial period, but that's only because we lack the hindsight view. Overtime, your natural state of stillness and peace will arise and become more prominent, and more permanent.

Please don't just let these be words soon to be forgotten, but rather incorporate them into your daily life. I KNOW you will feel better within just a month of this. Suffering ensues because you've grown so distant from your most natural state- stillness.

One thing that i always do when my painful emotions resurface is sit still with eyes closed, and just watch the emotions from an "observer's" viewpoint. No judgement, no mental commentary, no "good/bad/happy/sad" but just watch it curiously. NEVER EVER try to run away or overlook these emotions; always confront them, and always acknowledge them. The very reason these emotions are arising is so that you can acknowledge them, and they will ensue, either consiously or subconsciously, until they've been acknowledged. Simply observing them without any judgements is how you acknowledge them. In acknowledgement, their purpose has been served, and they will disappear. If they don't disappear, then its a sign that we still need to surrender to these emotions in acknowledgment.
Any frustrating emotion that i feel, disappears within 10 minutes of this "Silent Emotional Observation." I'm not saying i'm free of all suffering, but it is only rarely that i feel pain. Now i'm at a point where if i feel any slight bit of emotional disturbance, my body automatically becomes extremely conscious and vigilant of the emotions in acknowledgement, and the disturbing emotions vanish within minutes.

I really hope you will read or listen to that book i mentioned: True Meditation. It will change your life forever my friend; and don't let the cliche cause you to underestimate the power of this book.

And always remember that suffering of any form is ALWAYS caused by a misperception. memorizing this quote has helped me soooo much. Inquire the truth obliguhl; don't judge, but inquire