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88
#1 Posted : 3/22/2010 12:53:19 AM

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I won't lie to you – most of my journeys are punishing and difficult; but at this point this is not something I am afraid of, because they are helping to break down cycles of destructive behaviour and thought patterns that had led to a point of deep unhappiness. That's why I took the spice route - to fix myself through deeper truth.

Last week I went for some deep medicine – Changahuasca. Caapi leaf tea followed by Blue lotus/Calea changa. And whenever I go Inside with the intention of looking for healing, it's usually a rough ride, because they show me the poison and dark engines hidden within my psyche. This journey turned out to be a bit of a monster that way.

The jimjam world came at me very hard. All at once, telling me, “all is futile. Life is pointless. Why bother." I was horrified – I begged it to show me some light, some redemption, some purpose. But there was none. It was a truly terrible moment.

Leaving the spice dimension, I found myself - as I often do with Caapi - in a vine dimension, a blue cathedral of vines, where I was able to unpack this deep despair and despondency with Madre Aya.

I became a small child, terrified. My most fundamental fear was laid bare, experienced with total vulnerability; a fear I have never realised I had. I was afraid of dying. Deeply, deeply afraid. I have considered and thought about death a great deal, and thought that I was able to face it; but it seemed in that blue lotus cathedral of vines, I was not. My deepest fear was uncovered.

I lay back and begged Madre Aya to heal me. She explained that, sure, she could fix my body – but that was not the problem; that was minor (this while my body was being sliced open painlessly, dissected, cut up in autopsy) The real problem was my psyche, and my soul. She removed a long glass shard from behind my eye. It is here that the problem lies.

There was much more to the journey; more dialogue; more visions. It went on for close to an hour. I was broken and distressed by the time I was able to come up for air.

I spoke to my dear brother, ghostman. Agreed to lay off for a bit and integrate the experience. See how it worked itself out. So for the next few days, I stayed away from Withinity (I usually go in about 3 or 4 times a week)

Previous journeys came to mind – I'd been told very clearly by them that they could show me my problems, but it was up to me to do something about it. I was advised to read the Upanishads, and address the unresolved problems in my life.

So I set about doing just this. I spent a day sorting out paperwork, dealing with some niggling problems I hadn't sorted – a parking fine, finding my car insurance documents, getting my banking in order, that kind of thing. Cleaned the house to within an inch of it's life. Put things in their proper place. Phoned my brother who I hadn't spoken to in ages. And then I started reading Hindu sacred texts, the Upanishads and Vedas.

I contemplated the Changahuasca vision of futility in life, and fear of death. Considered it very deeply, and came to a point where I accepted the inevitability of my own passing.

I also became aware of my recursive loops.

What I mean by “recursive loops” is programmed complex behaviour patterns. For the computer people amongst you, we could call them 'sub-routines'. I can probably get through a whole day on automatic pilot. My actions and behaviours are often nothing more than sub-routines in my mind, programmed at some point and stuck in a loop. Sometimes I have a few going at the same time – a smoking subroutine, driving programme, and the self-righteous anger loop all going at the same time. And I began to wonder where I was while my brain was running on automatic.

It became apparent that it is necessary to focus and choose our actions, thoughts and decisions. To choose our experience of reality with clear intent; otherwise, the autopilot takes the controls, and we become passengers in our own life.

Eventually, with clean house, organised life and realistic acceptance of death in place, I went back Inside.

No surprise, given my reading list, but I was shot into a world of Hindu deities. Gods At War. Ganesh, Shiva, I don't know what … it was intense, complicated, and I begged to be allowed to remember something of it. So, momentarily, I was a blue elephant god. That kind of made it stick a bit, but the story of what was happening was just too complicated, intense, multi-layered and jsust too damned fast for me to remember much more than that.

Usually with Changa, when I came out of the jim jam, I have a long period within the plant's world/consciousness. And usually, I am prone on my pilot's chair when this happens.

Today, ten minutes after lift-off, I was upside down against a wall doing yoga. Now, I am interested in learning yoga, but I've never done it … so it was strange to find my body being twisted into shapes I wouldn't have believed it was capable of.

Then I sat back with my freshly cut daffodils. Dead, in that they were cut, futile in that they would not be able to germinate or be pollinated while stuck in a glass vase in my house; and yet they had to open, move, grow and die. They had to live. Because that is what living things do, regardless. They live.

The rest of the afternoon was spectacular and humbling. I spent most of the day walking through parks, seeing trees, birds, dogs and people, living beautiful futile lives like me. All of us an expression of life; all of us the same in our different forms. All of us living because that is just what life does.

Today, I stopped striving, questioning, doing. Today, I was simply being.
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 

STS is a community for people interested in growing, preserving and researching botanical species, particularly those with remarkable therapeutic and/or psychoactive properties.
 
۩
#2 Posted : 3/22/2010 1:34:35 AM

.

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Blue elephant god?
Ganesha?

Maybe it's a message to be graceful? :]

Kundalini (a word for the divine electrical orgasmic conscious energy) will automatically move a body with an accelerated nervous system into asanas and mudras. Definitely a sign that it's something that you should study...
If you need any advice, let me know...I've learned a lot from this kind of activity. You will/are too...

Great read, 88...
 
88
#3 Posted : 3/22/2010 1:50:42 AM

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Thanks House - steep learning curve ahead; I would be grateful for any guidance.
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 
desiderata
#4 Posted : 3/22/2010 2:06:49 AM

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Be willing on the onset to forfeit your ego completely.... no questions asked. The struggle to hold onto that which makes us feel human is what keeps most people from the beautiful, learning experience they seek.

Be more accepting of death. They are testing you with images and thoughts of perishing. Prove that death doesn't faze you anymore and you will be rewarded.

Sometimes even if both of these criteria are met, the land still kicks your butt. But its usually because you need a good solid butt-kicking.
'My conclusion was that it is neither good nor evil - that value is determined by ourselves and our intentions upon entering.' - 88
 
88
#5 Posted : 3/22/2010 2:20:34 AM

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desiderata wrote:
Sometimes even if both of these criteria are met, the land still kicks your butt. But its usually because you need a good solid butt-kicking.


hehe - this is very true. Anyone who knows me will testify to this Very happy
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 
Acolyte
#6 Posted : 3/22/2010 4:20:27 AM

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88 wrote:
Today, I stopped striving, questioning, doing. Today, I was simply being.


lovely.

I too need reminders of mindfulness.



Death is such an abstraction i forget it exists. Then every now and then i remember it's a fact; that i too will die. I find this moment odd and strange and fundamentally impossible to understand. "Death is only something that happens to other people" my mind often thinks.


Then one rainy day in Tibet i was walking a Kora around the vast, wet and muddy complex of the Labrang Monastery. Every very feet i'd spin old prayer wheels and be in the moment as much as i could. Then after a few hundred feet i rounded a corner and in a special room stood a LARGE prayer wheel 15ft tall! The many local Tibetans following kora behind me continued into the room a pushed the dang thing around. Beneath this spinning dharma wheel laid a dead kitten. It was cute, fuzzy, and dead with it's face half mushed. I locked eyes with this kitten and the Tibetans muddy shoes kept the the wheel spinning around and around.

then ZAP!

as i locked eyes with this kitten for a microsecond the whole universe folded up into a mini big-crunch and life and death were for a moment the same things going round and round. Death was cute? death was beautiful... something i had never thought before.


I snapped out of the moment, habitually spun the dharma wheel like a tourist to catch up with the rest of the group, and walked the rest of the kora in a stupor trying to understand what the hell had just happened.


Knowing how do die means knowing how to live; know that beauty awaits.








?
 
88
#7 Posted : 3/22/2010 7:44:54 AM

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Acolyte wrote:

Death is such an abstraction i forget it exists. Then every now and then i remember it's a fact; that i too will die. I find this moment odd and strange and fundamentally impossible to understand. "Death is only something that happens to other people" my mind often thinks.


That's it exactly. It's sort of like the sky ... always there, so I don't see it anymore.

Acolyte wrote:

Knowing how do die means knowing how to live; know that beauty awaits.


That's special - thanks, Acolyte.








[/quote]
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 
ragabr
#8 Posted : 3/22/2010 2:13:53 PM

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Thank you for sharing this 88. The reminder to place intention in all actions serves each of us.
PK Dick is to LSD as HP Lovecraft is to Mushrooms
 
antrocles
#9 Posted : 3/22/2010 4:13:37 PM

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mantra of the kincara- IT IS ONLY THROUGH THE THOROUGH UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF DEATH THAT ONE SEES THROUGH THE ILLUSION OF LIFE.

when i first discovered the kincara, i didn't even think about it for an instant. i had the image of the deity (two skeletons dancing arm in arm atop a lotus) tattoed on my entire lower leg. this is a mantra i want forever in my face. forever in my thoughts. forever in my awareness.

beautiful report as always brother. your writing is wonderful and your lessons and awakenings are joyful to witness. i have a more-than-sneaking suspicion that the more you embrace death, the more rapturous your journeys will become. it's a process as you seem more than aware of.

i'm in your corner brother. Smile

LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
"Rise above the illusion of time and you will have tomorrow's
wisdom today."
 
88
#10 Posted : 3/22/2010 4:27:02 PM

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Thanks for your support and love, Ant - much love
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 
stevowitz
#11 Posted : 3/22/2010 6:48:27 PM

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88 wrote:
It became apparent that it is necessary to focus and choose our actions, thoughts and decisions. To choose our experience of reality with clear intent; otherwise, the autopilot takes the controls, and we become passengers in our own life.


EXACTLY

I've been trying to apply this idea recently. It's so true and it works.

once again Spice affirms something amazing.

Congratulations on what sounds like a very successful trip.

*We are now at a phase of human development where we have accumulated an enormous amount of knowledge through scientific research in the material world. This is very important knowledge, but it must be integrated. -Hoffman
*A young man who wishes to remain a sound Atheist cannot be too careful of his reading -C.S. Lewis
cephalopods are enlightened -benzyme
T R I P S I T
 
88
#12 Posted : 3/22/2010 7:12:10 PM

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Thanks, Stevowitz - today was excellent as well ... just realising how much of my reality is determined by choice; and that the act of choosing should be done with clarity of purpose, and good intent. Also made me realise how much still possible, despite the limits I sometimes can't see past.

a very welcome lesson from the other side for this journeyman.

much love
"at journey's end, we must begin again"
 
 
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